by Lee Wardlow
The rest of their lunch conversation was about Josh’s landscaping business. His new employee and Ally coming home. They also talked college and professional football. Father Paddy was a diehard LSU Tigers football fan. Josh laughed at his excitement over the team this year. He watched college, but he wasn’t as extreme as Father Paddy.
“Ally is heading up to Columbus tomorrow. She’s good friends with Camden University quarterback Brian Wilkes.”
Father was impressed. “Great arm, that boy has. He’s the reason they are number two.”
“He is.”
They finished their lunch and Father Paddy walked with Josh to his car. “Josh, I can’t tell you that this is going to get easier for you.” He clapped him on the shoulder. “Like Sophie, your attitude is just as important.”
“I know Father.” He sighed, the heaviness revealing his level of frustration that was intense.
“Come see me anytime or call me to talk.”
Josh nodded.
“Sophie is in my prayers every night.” Father Paddy promised Josh then he hugged him briefly before shooing him to his truck while he headed towards the sidewalk. He had walked. It was too pretty, not to. People around town often saw Father Paddy walking to the diner, the post office, even the grocery store when he didn’t need much. This was life in their small town.
Josh waved as he passed by Father Paddy feeling more at peace than he did prior to their lunch. He passed John Overly heading in the opposite direction and the two exchanged greetings. A wave before they could no longer see each other. His twins were a little over three months old now.
What if had agreed to him and Sophie having a baby? Things could have been really complicated now. It was a phase for her, he had been sure of it. Not something that she really wanted but something to mask something that she feared. Her friends, lives were changing both Micki and Kai having babies at forty. She didn’t want them to change without her and leave her behind.
She was afraid of what their life would become without children. He parked in the drive of his home. The single, story ranch had been theirs for ten years. Five more years and it was paid for. The lawn was the best in the neighborhood. It should be considering his business.
The gardens, were all Sophie. She was the best at that in their company. She loved her gardens. He would have to take care of them this spring. He and Ally would make it work for her.
Josh wiped his hand across his face and got out of the truck. His neighbor shouted to him. He walked to the edge of the lawn and spoke to Bob. An older man, about sixty or so. His wife brought over dinner several times while Sophie was ill last week.
“How’s Sophie?”
“She’s been decent, the last few days. Tires easily,” Josh explained.
“Good. She does chemo again soon, right?”
“Tomorrow,” Josh replied.
“Nancy organized her church and the neighbors. You guys don’t have to worry about a thing. We have lunch and dinners planned for you for the next two weeks while she’s going through this. Then Nancy will do it all over again.”
He didn’t want to cry in front of Bob, but he felt his lip trembling and his eyes watered. “Man, that is so kind of you. Thank you, Bob. I’ll come over and thank Nancy later.”
“Don’t you worry about it. She knows you appreciate it. When I had my back surgery two years ago, you mowed the lawn and took care of anything she needed. Remember? Sophie did a lot of cooking to take the pressure off her. Nancy was so grateful. Heath shoveled our driveway and sidewalk many winters when I couldn’t.”
Josh chuckled. “He’s a good kid.”
“He is. Joshua has great parents and grandparents. He’ll turn out fine. Heath brings him over to say hello when he’s here.”
Josh didn’t know that. “He and Hannah are buying a house in Cooper. They close in a few weeks. They want to be closer with all that is going on with Sophie.”
Bob agreed it was for the best. “I’ll let you get inside. You’re home early for a reason.”
Josh shook his hand. “Thanks again, Bob.”
He turned and headed for his own house anxious to see Sophie. Inside, everything was quiet. It had been this way, since the kids had left home. Even with Ally back now she tended to be gone most nights unless Sophie was feeling bad then Ally was home to help Josh with her care.
She wasn’t in the living room, so Josh headed down the hallway towards the bedroom. He stopped in the doorway. A puppy with her head resting on Sophie’s hip gazed at him with a look that said see where I am. He shook his head at her. So much for the dogs not getting in bed with them.
He went in the room and Delilah peeked out from beneath the blankets. He ruffled her fur and slipped out of his shoes. He dropped his pants on the floor and yanked his shirt over his head with every intention of climbing in bed with his wife and taking a nap. When he slid the sleeves of his shirt down his arms Josh realized that Sophie was awake.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m getting in bed with you.” He tossed his shirt with his pants. He would pick them up later. Josh knew one of the many things that drove Sophie crazy was him leaving his clothes on the floor.
He slid in beside her and she moved over into his arms. “Hello,” she said snugging into his warmth.
“Hi.”
“Just us?”
He chuckled. “And the dogs.”
Cleo pushed her way up so that she was tight between them. “That’s a given.”
“It’s like having Heath and Ally all over again when they were toddlers.”
“It is, isn’t it.” He saw her smile and knew she was remembering their sleepless nights.
He brushed her hair out of his face then kissed her temple. She kissed his chest. They had this easiness from years of being together. A lifetime, it seemed often and other times not long enough now that Sophie had cancer.
Josh’s hand traced circles over her shoulder. The house was quiet. They had the peace, that they needed. “Why did you come home early?” Sophie asked.
Outside, was light. The sun shining through the heavy curtains that hung at the bank of windows facing the street. The room was dim but not dark.
“For this,” he replied.
“To snuggle me and the dogs?” She teased him.
“Exactly,” he responded.
Sophie’s finger moved back and forth across Josh’s chest. “I’m scared Josh. I am dreading tomorrow.” Her voice was soft and told him more than her words did. If she didn’t have to do this, she wouldn’t. She’d rather find another way, but there wasn’t one. She was strong, so she would do what she had to do to get better.
“Me too, babe. Kai took off tomorrow. She’s going to be here tomorrow and Saturday when you’re at your worst. Sunday if you need her too.”
“Why didn’t she tell me?”
He sighed. “Because you would have argued and told her no. She wants to do this for you.”
Sophie nodded. “I need her,” she admitted.
“You do, and she wants to be here for you.”
“Okay.”
Josh was surprised when Sophie straddled him. She laid her head against his chest. Her cheek was cool against his warm, skin. One hand cupped the back of her head, running his fingers through her silky, black hair.
She sighed. “What happens when I’m bald?” Her breath was just a whisper against his bare skin.
“I’ll shave my head too, if you want,” Josh offered.
“No.”
Sophie shook her head back and forth causing her hair to fall, covering her face. Josh shoved it back. He tilted her face, so he could see it. She turned her head away from him and pressed her lips to his chest.
“I want to make love Josh. I just haven’t felt like it in so long.” She let the words hang between them. “First the diagnosis. Then the first treatment. It’s just going to get worse from here.”
He cupped her face between his palms and gazed into her eyes, not breaking t
he connection between them. Seeing the years of love in the other’s reflection, the words, “I love you,” he told her didn’t seem to be enough to express how he felt.
She kissed him, her soft lips grazing his in need and want. “I just need to feel like my old self for tonight because tomorrow I know what’s coming,” she told him.”
Sophie didn’t have to say the words. He knew. Hell was coming for her. Chemo was ravaging and terrible. If all she wanted was to make love. He could give her that.
They had to sit the dogs on the floor when they became too curious. He held her close, chest to chest. Forehead to forehead. Hearts beating only for each other.
He could tell she was wearing herself out. “Stop,” he told her.
She shook her head no. “I need this,” she murmured.
“Sophie,” he groaned her name.
He felt her tears against his cheek and he remained quiet after that, enjoying her, enjoying him. When they were done, and their breathing was the only sound in the room, Josh cried tears of his own. He buried his head in the crook of her neck and held on to Sophie.
“It will be okay, Josh. I’ll be okay,” Sophie promised.
He nodded. She had to be because he had no other dreams without her in them.
Chapter 13
Sophie
She was quiet the entire ride to the cancer treatment center where Madge met her as she did for the port surgery and the first round of chemo.
Another woman was receiving treatment when she entered the room so, Sophie sat near her. They introduced themselves. Her husband and Josh went for coffee while Madge hooked Sophie up for her chemo cocktail.
“This is my fourth month of treatment, only two more to go,” the woman whose name was Deandra told her.
“This is only my second treatment. I have a while.”
Deandra reached across the tiny space separating them and patted her hand. “Sweetie, it doesn’t get any better, but you find it within to muster through.” She smiled a big, beautiful smile.
“You’re still smiling. There must be hope.”
Deandra grinned. “I’m alive. This is my second bout with this dang disease and I’m not about to let it get me this time either. I have too much to live for.”
Sophie chewed on her lower lip while she frowned. Second bout? She couldn’t imagine going through this again. “I don’t know what to say.” She couldn’t believe she had said that aloud to Deandra.
“Nothing to say, sweetie.” Deandra gazed at Sophie. “It’s okay. Mine is Metastic. Not curable. They will maintain it through chemo and radiation, so I can live as long as I can live and keep it from spreading.”
She smiled at Sophie again. A smile that reached her big eyes. Deandra’s smile was contagious. It filled Sophie with a sense of peace and contentment that she didn’t understand. How could she be so positive after going through this twice? How could she sound so positive like she was talking about a trip to the shopping mall?
“How do you do this?” Sophie asked.
“Faith. I don’t ask why. I just thank him that I’m still here and not in the ground.” Deandra was blunt about her answer. “My daughter graduates from college in one year. She’s dating a nice young man. I’ve heard rumors there will be a marriage after she graduates. He’s a little older than her so he’s just waiting for her to be done. I have goals,” Deandra informed Sophie.
“Goals?”
Deandra nodded. “I want to see Clair graduate from the University of Cincinnati. She’s going to be a teacher. That’s my first goal. I’ll do whatever I have to do to see that happen.” Sophie noted the fierceness in her tone. The determination. “Then my second goal is to dance with her Daddy at her wedding.”
Sophie reached out to Deandra and took her hand. “Those are good goals. How long were you, cancer free?”
The other woman, snorted. “I’m going to give you a bad attitude, girlie.”
Sophie squeezed her hand again. “No. You’ve made me feel better about today than I have been feeling. If you can do this twice. I can surely make it through this once.”
“I did nothing. It’s in here,” she tapped her heart. “Here,” Deandra tapped her head. “You just have to have to pull from that part of yourself that you didn’t know you had and you get it done.”
“How did you feel when they told you the cancer had returned?” Sophie asked.
Deandra nodded her head and thought for a moment. “Like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I couldn’t breathe.”
“That’s how I felt when they told me. I couldn’t breathe either. I couldn’t stop crying for a while too. My legs wouldn’t keep still, I was so nervous. Terrified.”
“It doesn’t get any better. You’re going to be afraid for the next three years while you wait to see if you remain cancer free but Sophie, do yourself a favor…”
“What’s that?” She asked gazing at Deandra.
“Live girl. Live for the moment and live life to the fullest. Don’t let cancer rule your life. It will happen, or it won’t. So, try your hardest to put it out of your mind and just enjoy your life.”
After Deandra’s declaration, they showed each other their children on their phones deciding after those first few moments of cancer talk that the rest of the time would be nothing but positive conversation.
Madge checked on them both making sure they were doing okay. Vitals had to be checked throughout the ordeal of their treatment.
“Sophie, your head is starting to hurt already, isn’t it?” Sophie nodded at Madge. “I’ll make notes for Doctor Roberts. Chemo seems to cause you severe migraines almost as soon as it starts.”
“Dang, that’s bad,” Deandra said to her.
Sophie wasn’t feeling the greatest, but she still wanted to talk to Deandra. She told her about Joshua her grandson and showed him pictures. Josh and Deandra’s husband Will returned. Sophie liked him as much as she liked Deandra. They were good people, from a small town like them, leading simple lives until cancer changed everything.
Will gave Josh a new perspective on cancer just like Deandra had Sophie. He was a little quiet. He sat next to her holding her hand. She rubbed her thumb across his rough palm.
“Head hurting?” He noticed her forehead scrunched in pain.
“Pounding like a jackhammer in my skull.”
Deandra was almost done with her chemo treatment. “I’ll send you some bible readings and some inspirational stuff if that will help you, Sophie,” she offered.
She turned slightly towards her. Deandra wore a knit, flowered cap. Her hair was already gone. Her face was made up with make-up, just slightly nothing drastic because she didn’t need it. She was beautiful with big brown eyes and fully pouty lips. She smiled at Sophie. Her smile never seemed to fade no matter what.
“I would like that.”
Her brown eyes were still focused on Sophie. Madge came in and took care of Deandra and she was ready to go. “I’ll be praying for you on Sunday,” she informed her.
“Thank you.”
She patted Sophie’s cheek. “Don’t be afraid, Sophie. You’re never alone, you know.”
Tears welled in Sophie’s eyes. “I know. Can I ask a dumb question?”
“Nothing is ever dumb.”
“What color was your hair?”
Deandra’s laughter filled the room, so loud that Madge stuck her head out of the office where she was working. “Deandra, are you causing trouble again?” She teased the woman.
“Not me,” she declared. She turned her focus back to Sophie then. “I had the prettiest red hair to go with my temper when he pushes my buttons.” Deandra pointed over her shoulder at Will, her husband. Sophie couldn’t imagine Deandra ever getting that angry. Will just laughed at his wife
“It about broke my heart the first time I had to shave it off. This time was much easier,” she told Sophie. “If this is your second treatment, soon, you’ll start to see your hair come out,” she whispered softly. “You might want to thin
k about shaving it off before that happens.” She lowered her eyes to their joined hands.
“It’s heartbreaking when the first clumps start coming out even though you know to expect it.” Deandra gazed at Sophie then, “You remember this, you do what you need to do to control cancer not let it control you.”
“Thank you.” She squeezed Deandra’s hand.
“Call me any time, honey. I’m always available for you. Been there, done this more than once. I don’t have all the answers, but I’ll be happy to talk with you. Cry with you or laugh with you too. Sometimes you gotta laugh or you’d sit in a corner and cry your eyes out and that’s no fun.”
Sophie nodded, then she released Deandra’s hand, so she could go home. She and Josh told them both goodbye.
“Deandra, you behave this weekend,” Madge teased her.
Deandra winked. “I’m always a good girl, Madge except when I’m bad and I’m never that bad, the good Lord’s always watching me. You know that.”
**
Josh
He pulled in the drive. Sophie was in the backseat. They had given her something before he left to help ease the pain of her migraine caused by the chemo.
When he shut the door, Kai came out the front door. “I was getting worried,” she told him.
“They kept her a little longer because she’s having a bad migraine again.”
“Where is she?” Kai was frowning expecting Sophie to be in the front seat beside Josh.
“Back seat, laying down. I’m just going to carry her inside. Will you hold the door for me?” Josh requested.
Kai turned and headed back to the house while Josh got Sophie out of the truck. He tried to be gentle and not jostle her, but the space in the back seat was tight and getting Sophie out of it wasn’t easy.
She groaned when he adjusted her against his chest. “I’m sorry, baby. We’ll have you in bed soon.”
“I don’t think the meds they gave me helped my head.”
“That bad?” He asked as he headed across the grass, towards the house where Kai held the door open.
She nodded, hiding her face against the fabric of his shirt to avoid the sunlight glaring down on them. Josh walked past Kai who shut the door behind them. He went straight down the hall to their bedroom where he laid Sophie on the bed.
