The Child's Secret

by Amanda Brooke

  ‘I bumped into him while I was out last night,’ she said, and then for Pat and Selina’s benefit added, ‘I went for a few drinks with some teacher friends to settle our pre-school nerves. Anyway, Finn was in the King’s Arms drowning his sorrows. Did you know he’s losing his job? I feel so sorry for him, Sam. He was trying to be a Jack-the-lad as usual but I could tell how much he was hurting and he was not happy at all that you and Laura had been meeting up in the park.’

  ‘You told him,’ Sam said flatly.

  ‘Why not? It wasn’t a secret, was it?’

  Before Sam had the chance to reply, Pat said, ‘You need to watch that one. All smiles on the outside but he’s got a darker side too, if you ask me. He made a few digs at his wife when he gave me a guided tour of the garden the other weekend, the kind of comment that sounds like a joke but isn’t. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you, Selina?’

  Selina nodded grimly but it was Anna who spoke up. ‘I can’t believe people are making him out to be such a demon. He’s a decent bloke who happens to be going through a rough time. Leave him in peace, why don’t you?’

  A cloud of black smoke wrapped around them, darkening the mood further. Sam had overlooked his barbeque duties and one of the sausages had caught alight. He picked it up with tongs and tossed it onto the lawn where Jasper pounced on it. The puppy yelped, jumped back and then barked angrily at the sizzling sausage; torn between wanting to devour the juicy meat and attack a fiery enemy.

  The remaining food was only partly cremated but when Sam served up it was greeted with more enthusiasm than it deserved. It was far easier to talk about the burnt offerings than continue with the conversation that had unsettled them all. An unspoken truce had been called.

  As the evening wore on, the day began to empty of light and warmth and Sam found himself in Selina’s kitchen helping Pat make some hot toddies to warm them up.

  ‘Don’t you be put off helping that little girl,’ Pat said. ‘You’re a good man, Sam. You’ll be a blessing in her life, just like you’ve been a blessing in Selina’s.’

  ‘I would have thought Selina sees me more of a curse than a blessing. I cause her nothing but worry, Pat.’

  She put a hand on his shoulder. ‘I don’t believe that for a second and I hope you don’t either. You saved her, Sam. You do know that, don’t you?’

  Sam met Pat’s gaze which was slightly unfocused thanks to the vast amount of wine she had consumed during the evening, although her words had undoubtedly been full of conviction.

  ‘I help out where I can, that’s all,’ he said.

  ‘Oh, it’s more than that, much more. She’s had enough lodgers in her time who helped cover the bills, but that wasn’t really what she was looking for.’

  ‘You mean she needed someone who would do the chores too,’ Sam said flippantly. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear what Pat so obviously wanted to share. He was getting too close to people and to life in general. Anna had said no good would come of it and perhaps she was right.

  Pat refused to let him off the hook. ‘She’s spent the best part of the last fifty years existing but little else. We all thought that was how she would see out her days, and then you came along right at the last. She needed someone in her life she could care about and yes, someone she could worry over. But more importantly, she needed a troubled soul who she thought she could help. And that’s where you came in, Sam. Not that I have any idea what troubles you,’ she added with a gentle nudge to cajole him into believing the lie. ‘She had such an awful time with that louse of a husband of hers. She was younger than you at the time and it seemed as if it had damaged her for good, but thanks to you, I think she’s mending.’

  Sam stopped what he was doing to concentrate on Pat’s words. ‘What do you mean, damaged? I thought – I assumed Selina was happily married. She was devastated after the accident, I know that much and she never mentioned problems with her husband.’

  Pat nudged him again and almost lost her balance. ‘Then neither did I. Now, let’s get these drinks served before that girlfriend of yours thinks I’ve led you astray with my womanly wiles.’

  Sam didn’t argue, if only because he was worried about leaving Anna alone with Selina. His landlady may have been a great supporter of Sam’s new girlfriend in the early days, but given the friction sparking between the two all evening, it was becoming apparent that Anna had fallen out of favour with Selina – which was a shame, because she had been the one person who might have been able to convince Sam that the relationship was worth fighting for. But it wasn’t. Sam knew it, Selina knew it, and judging by Anna’s current display of insecurity, she sensed it too.

  While Sam did his best to wrap up his tour, the group were far more interested in the dog wrapping himself around the park ranger’s legs than anything Sam could tell them about the ancient oak. He was relaying the story of the exploding gunpowder ship and how it may have been responsible for the damage to the tree, when he caused his very own earth tremor by tumbling backwards.

  ‘I think you’d better call it a day, don’t you, love?’ a woman said after her husband helped Sam to his feet.

  ‘Sorry, Jasper was far better behaved the other day,’ Sam said without mentioning how both the dog and his master had been decidedly less agitated on that occasion.

  ‘Oh, don’t worry about it. He’s been great entertainment,’ the woman assured him. ‘In fact, I’d come back again just to see him.’

  Sam tried to laugh but his heart was too heavy. ‘I’m not sure about that. Bringing him along was a mistake,’ he said, thinking of how his efforts to bring a little sunshine into Jasmine’s life had only succeeded in darkening his own.

  The sickening realization that Jasmine wasn’t going to show up that afternoon had been tortuously slow as the minutes crawled by until Sam had been forced to abandon hope and rush to apologize to the tour group he had left waiting. He didn’t know why the little girl hadn’t appeared, although he could imagine plenty of scenarios, the most rational being that the friend who was meant to bring her to the park had let her down. But that wasn’t the only explanation his imagination conjured up during the guided tour, and it was Sam’s distraction that had caused Jasper to become as nervous as his master.

  Sam didn’t know what to do next. He knew he wasn’t going to rest until he was satisfied that Finn hadn’t been up to his old tricks – or learnt some new ones – and yet he couldn’t very well turn up at the house again. Even if he could rationalize his concern about Jasmine not showing up, certain people wouldn’t see it that way, namely Anna and Finn. The fact that the little girl hadn’t met him in the park was no reason to raise an alarm or demand an explanation but his heart and mind demanded it anyway.

  Earlier that afternoon he had used his car to pick up Jasper. It was parked behind the Coach House and that was where he was heading when his mobile began to vibrate in his shirt pocket. There had been a time when his phone would have remained silent and lifeless for days on end, and yet Sam was now in the habit of switching it to silent mode to avoid disruption while he was working. Its intermittent buzz felt like someone prodding him in the chest with a finger; someone insisting on being noticed. He refused to respond and eventually the caller gave up. Ten seconds later there was another vibration; it was another prod. The caller had left a voicemail message and it wasn’t much of a stretch of his imagination to guess who that person might be.

  During the school holidays Anna had fallen into a routine of phoning him two or three times a day for a quick hello and, in fairness, it usually was just that. Sam ought to appreciate the thought but instead it irritated him and he cursed under his breath before taking his phone out of his pocket and checking the message. It wasn’t Anna. It was someone he had been avoiding for far longer and it probably surprised her as much as him when he phoned her back.

  ‘So you got my message then?’ she asked.

  ‘No, I phoned you straight back,’ Sam said, his mouth dry. He had chosen not to li
sten to the voicemail, which would only have negated the reason for speaking to his ex-wife and at that moment he needed to hear her voice.

  ‘That’s a first,’ Kirsten said happily, and then her voice softened. ‘It’s good to speak to you at long last. It’s been too long, Sam.’

  He pressed the phone a little closer to his ear. They both still cared for each other, although it was true to say they had fallen out of love with each other long before their fifteen-year marriage had been dealt its final death blow. They had both moved on as much as they could since then, creating an impassable space between them, and yet he would go back to the life they once shared in a heartbeat. Realizing Kirsten was expecting a reply, he managed to say, ‘Yes,’ and that single word spoke volumes.

  ‘I have some good news, Sam.’

  ‘You’re pregnant.’ His tone was flat, tempered with quiet acceptance.

  Kirsten laughed. ‘No.’ There was a pause and then, ‘Although it might happen one day, hopefully one day soon.’

  ‘Sorry, I just thought …’

  ‘I know and for the record, if it does happen, I promise I won’t try to ram the good news down your throat,’ she said, taking a breath before continuing. ‘No, what I was actually phoning to tell you was that I’ve found a place for you to stay. Auntie Evie’s always had a soft spot for you so if you’re willing to put up with her cats, you don’t need to look for a hotel, she would love for you to stay with her.’

  Sam rubbed his chin as he tried to follow the conversation. ‘Why would I need somewhere to stay?’ he asked.

  ‘You’re not planning on doing the round trip in one day, are you? I was hoping you’d hang around long enough to raise a glass to the bride and groom.’

  ‘Sorry, Kirsten but I won’t be coming up for the wedding,’ he said, now even more confused. ‘I’m glad for you, really I am but it’s your day, your new life, and I don’t belong there.’

  ‘What?’ she said. It was her turn to be surprised. ‘But you accepted the invitation! I thought you were bringing Anna?’

  ‘N-no … I didn’t …’ Sam stammered, wondering how on earth Kirsten knew about Anna. His first instinct was to blame Selina for interfering, but even she wasn’t capable of that level of meddling. There was only one other person it could be, and Kirsten confirmed it before Sam could get his words out.

  ‘But Anna sent a lovely card saying you would both be there. Didn’t you know?’

  ‘We must have got our wires crossed,’ he said quickly. ‘It was a mistake. I’m sorry, Kirsten, I won’t be coming.’

  His ex-wife knew Sam wouldn’t be browbeaten so, rather than force the matter, chose a different tack. ‘How are you, Sam?’

  ‘Fine,’ he answered more harshly than the question deserved. He tried again. ‘I’m fine, Kirsten. Really, I am.’

  ‘No one blames you, Sam. You do know that, don’t you?’

  ‘I blame me.’

  ‘I blame me too,’ she said.

  When Sam didn’t respond, Kirsten chose to slice through the silence with the inescapable truth her ex-husband had spent six years running from. ‘She died, Sam. Our little girl died, and while we can both wish we had made different decisions – even those little decisions that should have been insignificant but weren’t – we didn’t, and we lost her. We both lost her.’

  Sam closed his eyes but he might just as well have closed his ears. Ruby had died and it was his fault and his alone. He knew Kirsten was willing him to say something, anything that might open up the conversation and allow them to talk about their shared grief. And in truth he had returned her call because he thought he would, only to discover yet again that he couldn’t, so he filled the gap in their conversation by drawing it to a close. ‘It was lovely hearing from you, Kirsten. Pass on my best to the lucky groom.’

  Rather than return to his car as planned, Sam took Jasper for a brisk walk, so brisk that the puppy had to trot to keep up. They headed west through the Four Seasons Gates and towards Jasmine’s house. Sam stopped short of marching straight up to the front door, but when he saw the Petersons’ car parked outside and seeing no sign of emergency services along the route Jasmine would have taken to get to Calderstones, Sam’s worst fears were allayed. His mind, however, continued to spin and by the time he returned to the car and drove the short distance home, he was wound up so tightly he felt physically sick.

  After he was fed, Jasper made a bed on one of the brightly coloured crocheted cushions Pat had made – a present in payment for her beautiful garden with the promise (or threat) of more to come. Sam wouldn’t rest until Anna arrived. He had sent a text inviting her over, not trusting himself to speak to her directly.

  ‘I thought you would have wanted an early night tonight after the barbeque,’ she said when he met her at the door. ‘I wasn’t exactly on top form myself for the first day of school.’

  ‘Do you want a drink?’

  ‘Did you get more wine in?’ Anna said as she came into the living room where she spotted a collection of newly made origami cranes on the dining table. ‘You’ve been busy.’

  ‘It helps me concentrate,’ he said dismissively. ‘And I was thinking we’d have a coffee rather than the hard stuff.’

  He could feel Anna staring at him, but so far he had refused to meet her gaze. ‘What’s wrong, Sam?’

  Foregoing the drinks, he offered her a seat at the table and they both sat down on opposite sides. The curtains had been drawn to keep the apartment cool during the day and Sam hadn’t bothered to pull them back or open a window to release the stale air that was growing heavier by the minute. ‘We need to talk,’ he said as he picked up the crane he had been in the process of bringing to life when Anna arrived.

  ‘What’s wrong, Sam?’ Anna asked, more slowly this time.

  ‘I spoke to Kirsten today.’

  ‘Ah, is that it?’

  Sam shot Anna a look that halted the visible relief washing over her. ‘What the hell were you thinking?’

  ‘I found the invitation languishing in the back of a drawer the other day while you were out training the dog.’

  ‘And how does that explain why you would go ahead and accept the invitation on my behalf, knowing I didn’t want to go, and inviting yourself along in the process?’

  ‘I’m sorry, I should have told you sooner but I was waiting for the right moment. I was holding off until this weekend, that way you’d only have a week to fret about it. I didn’t think you’d speak to Kirsten first, I thought you said you didn’t talk to her.’

  Tilting his head, Sam couldn’t believe his ears. Was that an accusation? ‘I speak to who I want, when I want, Anna. Why do I get the distinct feeling you don’t like that?’

  ‘You don’t have to justify yourself to me, I know that.’

  ‘Do you?’

  She was shaking her head as she said, ‘You’re making it sound like I’m possessive.’

  Sam raised an eyebrow but said nothing.

  ‘If I was, then I’d hardly be persuading you to go back to Scotland to see your ex-wife, would I? I was trying to be supportive, Sam. You still have feelings for her, that much is obvious, and I thought that going to the wedding would help you draw a line under the past once and for all.’

  ‘You know nothing about my past!’

  Anna’s nostrils flared and her voice had an edge to it when she said, ‘No, I don’t, Sam. I’ve been patient and I’ve been understanding, but there comes a point when you have to start trusting me. And I don’t want to hear all this nonsense about taking things slowly. We’re in a relationship whether you’re ready to accept that or not. We can’t go on like this. You know that, and I know it.’

  When Anna reached over to take Sam’s hand, he pulled away and she was left with only a paper bird in her hand. She crumpled it into a ball and flung it across the table. ‘I love you, Sam, and you might be too scared to admit it, but you love me too.’

  Sam stood up and turned his back on her. His empty stomach twisted and
he could taste bile at the back of his throat. He had told Selina it was inevitable that he would hurt Anna and that day had come. He pulled back the curtain and watched the sun dipping in and out of a scattering of cloud. Light chased shadows across the ground without ever completely eradicating them.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Anna. I can’t give you what you want,’ he said. ‘And you’re right, we can’t carry on like this.’

  There was a gasp that held back a sob. ‘Don’t say that, Sam! I can make you happy, I do make you happy. And I don’t care what Selina says: it’s our relationship that’s seen the biggest change in you. You need this. You need me.’

  There was the scrape of a chair as she stood up and a moment later she wrapped her arms around him, her head resting on his back. ‘I can heal you, Sam. Let’s go to Scotland. Let me be there with you as you watch Kirsten getting married. It’ll help you resolve your feelings for her and give you a chance to start again – with me.’

  ‘No,’ he said and peeled her hands away so he could turn to face her. ‘Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not in love with my ex-wife, not any more, not by any stretch of the imagination.’

  ‘Rubbish! You’re in denial, Sam!’

  ‘I. Don’t. Love. Kirsten.’

  His measured tone was a stark contrast to Anna’s screeched response. ‘Stop it! Stop lying to me and stop lying to yourself!’ She was panting, trying to catch her breath as she waited for Sam’s counterattack but he remained tight-lipped. She took a gulp of air and then continued. ‘What did she do to turn you into such a heartless machine, Sam?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  There was a painful mewl as Anna struggled to hold back a scream while she thumped her balled fist against his chest. ‘For God’s sake, Sam, tell me why you can’t move on? Tell me why you can’t love me? You’re breaking my heart and I have a right to know why.’

  Sam tried not to react to the tears streaming down her face. He felt sick with guilt for hurting her but he refused to pity her. There were worse things that could happen in life than unrequited love. ‘I know you’re hurting right now, Anna, but I think this is for the best and I hope you’ll see that one day. I told you I wasn’t looking to settle down, not ever. I’m sorry if you thought I’d change.’