Finding June

by Shannen Crane Camp

  “I won’t see you for more than a week if we wait until the next episode starts shooting,” he said with a hint of sorrow in his voice. “So let’s make sure we don’t wait that long." He added the last part so quietly that I wondered if Joseph had heard it at all.

  “Okay,” I managed to whisper, a grin spreading across my face.

  “See you later Joe,” Lukas said.

  “Joseph,” both Joseph and I said in unison, though Joseph sounded annoyed while I just sounded dazed.

  Lukas pulled me into a warm hug and gave me a lingering kiss on the cheek, nestling my ear with his nose and causing my body to break out in goosebumps from head to toe.

  “Goodnight June,” he said before turning away and making his grand exit on his motorcycle. I stared after him for a minute, in a complete happiness-induced fog.

  “Anyway,” Joseph said loudly, obviously trying to snap me out of my haze, “Are you tired from working all day, or are you up for a little adventure?”

  I could hear the falseness in his voice. He wasn’t using his normal, comfortable Joseph voice, but the one he used when he was acting comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. This, of course, made me feel horrible. Joseph and I had been attached at the hip since birth, and now he was using his acting voice with me. I didn’t think things had gotten that weird between us, but I knew I had to fix it quickly. I walked over to him and linked my arm with his.

  “Allons-y!” I said in my best French accent (which was pretty horrible) as we walked toward his car.

  CHAPTER 19

  I adjusted the full skirt of my knee length navy blue lace dress around my legs as Joseph drove on the freeway toward Simi Valley. He had been silent most of the drive, but I could see him mentally talking himself out of his bad mood. That was the benefit of having known each other for so long—I could read Joseph like a book. Right now the title of his book was, "I’m mad at June because she has a new friend she’s spending more time with than me, but I shouldn’t really be mad at her because this is a great opportunity for her, so I’m going to be rational and start talking to her again: The Joseph Cleveland story."

  “So, where is this big adventure going to take us tonight?” I asked, deciding to help out a bit with breaking the ice. After all, I could see where Joseph was coming from. If he got a part on a big show and decided to suddenly start spending all of his time with Joann Hoozer (who I wasn’t very fond of), I’d be pretty mad too. In fact, I think I’d be a lot less friendly than Joseph was, so he earned brownie points for trying so hard.

  “If I told you, it wouldn’t be much of an adventure, now would it?” he asked cryptically, his old self shining through his cautious exterior. I almost had to wonder if he was thinking I was going to be weird around him and he was just bracing himself for new, high-maintenance June.

  We had gotten off the freeway and were driving through surface streets in an area I wasn’t familiar with. A lot of the streetlights were out, casting the sidewalks in an ominous darkness.

  “Have you brought me here to kill me?” I joked.

  “Not quite,” he replied, pulling into a dirt lot full of cars, litter, and children running around with balloons tied to their wrists. We had arrived at a large (normally empty) park that was currently filled with carnival rides, tents, and booths. The sugary smell of cotton candy hit my nose, mixing with the buttery aroma of freshly popped popcorn.

  “A carnival!” I exclaimed, my face lighting up. Joseph knew me so well. “I didn’t even know there was a carnival going on right now.”

  “That’s what makes it such a surprise,” Joseph replied with a knowing grin. He seemed to be pretty much back to his old self, much to my relief.

  Walking through the carnival was a surreal experience after having spent so much time dressed up in old-fashioned vaudeville clothing. The plum and cranberry colored striped tents surrounding us were all bursting with such an array of noises and smells that my senses were going crazy. Orange paper lanterns were strung between the tall oak trees above us, casting jittery shadows on the grass underfoot. All around there were bubble machines, making the air thick with shiny, soapy bubbles looking like glass orbs drifting on the wind.

  “This is perfect,” I said happily.

  “I’m glad you like it,” Joseph replied, his face glowing with pride at his discovery.

  We didn’t talk about the whole "Lukas" issue once as we went on the Ferris wheel, ran through the fun house, and did everything you were supposed to do at a proper carnival. I picked at a large globe of pink cotton candy as we walked through the rows of booths selling garlands for your hair and other things you’d think were a good idea at a carnival but would get home and never wear again.

  “Do you hear that?” Joseph asked as we neared the end of the booths and came to a darker area in the park, thick with oak trees. I strained my ears for a moment.

  “The music?” I asked. I could hear the distinct sound of organ music traveling on the wind. It had been faint at first, but now that I recognized what it was, it somehow seemed more obvious.

  “I think it’s getting louder,” Joseph remarked, his eyes focused on nothing in particular in front of him, as if he could sense where the music was coming from without seeing the source. “Must be an organ grinder walking around,” he concluded, coming out of his daze to look at me. We were leaning against a massive oak tree, separate from the rest of the chaos of the carnival, but still watching it like an old favorite movie.

  “Thanks for bringing me here,” I said. “Today was kind of hectic and scary . . . it’s nice to do something normal with a friend and not worry about if I’m messing it up or costing the studio a bunch of money or anything like that.”

  “I’m glad you still want to do this kind of stuff with me,” he answered, sliding down the tree trunk so that he was sitting on the soft grass. I joined him on the ground, letting our shoulders touch as we leaned against each other. “School has been horrible without you. I think Xani’s becoming more aggressive without you to scare her off.”

  I covered my mouth with the huge ball of cotton candy to hide my laugh. “I’m so sorry,” I said with a giggle. “How many times has she made you rehearse your kissing scenes?”

  Joseph shuddered next to me at the question. “Oh my gosh, June, you have no idea. It’s been like running across the 405 during rush hour and trying not to get hit! She follows me everywhere,” he exclaimed, his eyes wide and his smile bright. This was the Joseph I loved so much—the fun Joseph who could talk to me about anything and turn it into a joke.

  I grabbed his face and turned it toward me, making his lips pucker out like a fish as I squeezed his cheeks. “Hmmm, your lips are looking a bit chapped,” I joked, releasing his face and turning back to watch a pair of clowns walk past us toward their cast trailer.

  “It’s my burden to bear,” he said with mock sadness, shaking his head slowly. “I have such a hard time keeping women from falling in love with me.”

  “Well, if it gets to be too much to handle, I’ll come rough her up for you.”

  “Yeah, because I could see you ‘roughing’ someone up. What are you going to do? Lillian Gish her to death?” he asked with a laugh.

  “Something like that,” I replied, hitting him lightly on the head with my cotton candy.

  “Well, if that’s how you intend to fight, you’ll need all the blessings you can get. Let’s get you home so you don’t sleep through church tomorrow.”

  “Yes sir,” I said with a mock salute. “And Joseph just think—in three weeks, the play will be over and Xani won’t have a good excuse to attack you anymore . . . though I’m not sure that’ll stop her.”

  “Thank you for those comforting words, June,” Joseph replied, helping me to my feet so that he could take me home.

  CHAPTER 20

  It was an entire week before I finally saw Lukas again, but that didn't stop me from thinking about him and all of his perfection twenty-four/seven. The rest of the cast continued to fi
lm scenes throughout the week, but I had finished up my last scene for that episode on Saturday, and therefore had more than a week until I started working on the next episode.

  I was slightly shocked when he actually texted me a week before, asking if I would spend the next Saturday with him. It took me all of two seconds to reply with an adamant yes. Now, as I clung to his strong form while he drove his motorcycle through the city, I replayed my week’s worth of Lukas Leighton fantasies.

  Since Lukas had picked me up at noon, we had already eaten lunch, done some shopping, and strolled through the park. I wasn’t sure what else he would want to do, or how long it would be before he got bored with me, but he seemed perfectly content to continue driving me around the city just to walk around and talk. I did my best to remember all of the bad things Joseph, Candice and Benjamin had said about Lukas, but no matter how rational I tried to be, that image of Lukas didn’t match up with how he’d treated me. He didn’t stand to gain much from being nice or spending so much time with me, and yet he went out of his way to do both. It didn’t seem like the actions of a person who was really a scumbag.

  Lukas pulled up to a little sidewalk café and helped me off his motorcycle, not letting go of my hand as we took a seat at a small table. I was vaguely aware of the fact that everyone was watching us (or Lukas, at least) but I was so caught up in his bright blue eyes that I hardly noticed the stares.

  “So, when do you start filming the next episode? I’ve hated not having you on set this week,” Lukas said, holding my hand over the small round table. I rested my free hand on my chin and kept my eyes locked on his, attempting to not be so obviously infatuated. (And failing miserably, I might add.)

  “I think I shoot my first scene on Monday,” I answered, glad that I’d get to see Lukas soon no matter what. Who said dating people you work with is a bad idea? It just meant that even when Lukas and I were too busy with work to make plans outside of shoots, we’d still be able to see each other.

  “That’s good. At least now I won’t have to make excuses to see you,” he said with a winning smile, still holding my hand and turning me into a puddle with every word he said. The sun was setting now, and I was surprised by how late it had gotten. I could have sworn Lukas had just picked me up a few hours ago.

  As the waiter came to our table and took our order, I could feel my phone buzzing in my purse. I glanced down at it but didn’t pick it up to see who was calling, not wanting Lukas to think I was being rude.

  “So June, what do you think you’ll do after you’re done on the show? Are you going to keep auditioning for TV, or do you think you’ll try to move toward movies?” he asked, sounding almost like a reporter for a newspaper.

  My phone buzzed twice, indicating that I had a new voicemail.

  “I don’t know. Honestly, I think I’ll audition for any part I can get. I’m not too picky. Although I’d love to be in a movie,” I answered dreamily. I didn’t know for sure (obviously, since I’d never been in a movie) but it seemed like movie sets were much more glamorous than TV sets. But then again, what did I know? Until I’d been on Forensic Faculty, I hadn’t known they had stand-ins just to test the lighting. “What about you? Do you have any big movie plans coming up?”

  Lukas’s face broke into an easy smile at my question, the light from the candle on our table casting an orange glow over his skin. The sun had now completely set, leaving us surrounded by the blue night, broken up only by the orange globe of light cast by our candle. I felt my phone buzz again—another call coming through—and I considered checking to see who it was. That is, until Lukas squeezed my hand and reminded me exactly why I was there.

  “I’ve only done a few films, but I’m trying to move away from TV,” he said with a shrug, as if this would be the easiest thing in the world. I guess when you’re Lukas Leighton, life just works itself out for you.

  “Do you have any auditions lined up?” I asked, genuinely interested in what his plans were for the future. A small part of my mind was trying to work out who would be calling me so many times in a row. I could feel a small nagging at the back of my mind, as if I had forgotten something obvious and important, but I couldn’t quite place what it was. Something told me it had to do with my phone, which was now buzzing again.

  “I’ve got one for an epic action movie that should be fun,” he said offhandedly. “They asked me to audition, so I’m not too worried about it.”

  “Uh-huh,” I answered, now completely distracted by the fourth phone call I was receiving.

  “Are you okay?” Lukas asked, obviously taking note of my lack of interest in his story.

  “What? Yeah, sorry it’s just . . . I’m really sorry. I don’t mean to be rude, but I just need to check my phone really fast,” I said.

  “That’s fine,” Lukas said, though I could see in his face that he was slightly annoyed that I wasn’t enraptured by his story.

  As I slid my phone open, the screen read four missed calls. All four of my calls were from Joseph, which gave me a sick feeling in my stomach. I had definitely forgotten something important, but it just wasn’t coming to me for some reason. Joseph had also left me two voicemails and four text messages. Not wanting to be completely rude to Lukas, I opted for reading the texts rather than listening to the voicemails. As I read my four missed messages, a feeling of horrible guilt engulfed me.

  8:04 PM: June, I’m at your house all dressed up and ready to go. You’d better not be getting your hair done or something ridiculous like that.

  8:07 PM: Would it be cheesy if I bought you a corsage for Homecoming? Not that I did. Because I’m not cheesy at all . . . I swear.

  8:10 PM: Annette just said she thought you were out with Lukas. You’re not still out with him are you?

  8:20 PM: June, did you forget about me?

  Reading Joseph’s last message to me, I could feel the blood draining from my face.

  I had forgotten about him.

  I hadn’t just forgotten about him—I had completely stood him up. He had made such a big deal about buying my Homecoming ticket and making sure everything would be perfect, and I hadn’t even had the decency to show up.

  “Are you okay?” Lukas asked, pulling me from my mental crisis. “You don’t look so good."

  “I need to get home. As fast as you can possibly get me there,” I said urgently, throwing my phone into my bag and jumping up from the table.

  “So, no dinner, then?” Lukas asked, following quickly behind me as I tore through the café toward his motorcycle.

  *****

  It felt like it took hours to get back to Simi Valley from Los Angeles, and I was helpless to make the trip go faster. I tried to think of something to tell Joseph when I got there, but there wasn’t anything I could say. I had completely forgotten about him and there was no way around it. I was a horrible friend to the boy who’d been my best friend since before I could crawl. My phone buzzed a few more times as Lukas drove not nearly fast enough on the freeway toward my house, and I could only imagine what these new texts from Joseph said.

  When we finally pulled onto Pullman Avenue, I couldn’t decide if I was relieved or terrified by the fact that Joseph’s green VW Bug was still parked outside of my house. The whole ride home had convinced me how little I could say to Joseph to apologize for what I’d done, and I’d half hoped that I could take the coward’s way out and not have to face him just yet. But as Lukas pulled into the driveway, I could see Joseph sitting in the front seat of his car. I couldn’t see his face clearly enough to read his expression, but it didn’t take a genius to figure out what it probably looked like.

  “I really have to go talk to him. Thanks for today though,” I said absent-mindedly to Lukas over my shoulder. Lukas said something in return that I didn’t quite catch and rode off down the street in mere seconds.

  I had walked quickly to Joseph’s car, wanting to get to him as fast as possible to explain myself, but as I reached him, I stopped outside, not opening the door or making an
y move to enter the passenger seat. If I was being honest, I was scared out of my mind. If I had been in the right and could explain myself to Joseph, I wouldn’t have hesitated letting him know exactly what had happened. But as it was, my only excuse was, "I forgot about you."

  Joseph looked at me through his dirty windshield for a moment, his face holding only resignation and not the anger I expected to see there. He slowly opened his door and got out of the car, walking over to where I stood on the sidewalk. He was dressed up in an old-fashioned brown suit and tie with his wild hair tamed and gelled into place. He held a see-through plastic box with a white flower in it.

  “Did you forget?”

  He didn't say anything else. He didn't have to. Those three words caused the heat to rise up in my cheeks and tears to threaten in the corners of my eyes.

  “I didn’t mean to. I just . . . didn’t think about it,” I said slowly. Joseph brought his gaze up to mine, his eyes sad and serious.

  “I think that might hurt more than if you had just decided you didn’t want to go with me,” he muttered. “I wasn’t even worth remembering.”

  “Joseph, I didn’t say that,” I began, but he brought his hand up to silence me.

  “June, you know I love you. You know I always have. You can lie to yourself and say we’re just friends and we just like spending time together, but deep down you know it’s always been more than that for me. And I’m really happy for you that you’re so happy, but I can’t keep beating my head against a wall. It hurts too much to constantly think maybe you’re starting to love me too, only to find out that I’m still just a convenience for you,” he said. Every word made me feel smaller and smaller.