Finding June

by Shannen Crane Camp

  I could say that I was shocked to hear him say he loved me, but he was right—somewhere inside of me, I knew that he loved me and that all of our time spent together only intensified those feelings. I tried to speak, but I couldn’t find the words I wanted to say. I wasn’t even sure there was anything I wanted to say, or if there were just feelings that I couldn’t translate into words.

  “Even if you don’t love me back . . . ” he began, his eyes beginning to water even though he quickly looked away to try to hide it, “I don’t see how you could have forgotten about me. I don’t understand how I could be so insignificant to you after all of this time.”

  “Joseph,” I said in a choked voice. He turned away from me, tossing the white flower onto the sidewalk and jumping into his car. He started the engine and glanced up at me once with a look on his face that I would never forget, before driving away down the street, his tires squealing against the asphalt.

  I stood alone on the sidewalk, tears streaming down my cheeks and a sick feeling in my stomach. I tried to justify what I had done, but couldn’t seem to find any scenario where I wasn’t a horrible person. As I listened to the sound of Joseph’s car fade into the night, I pulled out my phone and read his last text message.

  8:45 PM: I guess he wins, huh?

  CHAPTER 21

  I didn’t see Joseph at church on Sunday, and he didn’t pick me up for seminary on Monday or Tuesday. I couldn’t try to corner him at school because we’d started filming the next episode already, so I was on set all day. I called his phone during every filming break we had and tried texting him repeatedly, but it was like talking to a ghost. I didn’t hear even a hint of a reply to any of my attempts. I was even starting to wonder if his phone had died just to make myself feel better.

  Gran had lectured me the night of Homecoming about having my priorities straight and making sure I wasn’t falling into the trap of forgetting what was important in life. I appreciated her efforts, but honestly, she didn’t need to lecture me. I already knew that I had messed up. I think she realized how bad I felt, because after her little talk with me, she didn’t bring it up again and didn’t ask any questions when she noticed Joseph hadn’t come to get me for seminary.

  I didn’t go around announcing my status as an awful friend on set, but I think Candice, Benjamin, and Ryan could tell something was wrong. I was pretty good at pretending like I was listening to their random conversations and laughing at their witty jokes; I mean, I was an actress, after all. It wasn’t something that I found difficult to do. But even trying my hardest to act interested in what was going on around the set, I think they knew.

  On Tuesday night as Lukas drove me to my house, I started to wonder if everything Joseph had said about him was right. That night after work, Lukas had taken me out to dinner at a nice restaurant. He had said all the right things and acted interested in anything I said, but now that I was starting to see what a good little actress I could be in everyday situations, I couldn’t help but notice the way Lukas always said the right thing. I was starting to find it hard to believe that he really agreed with each word I spoke.

  When we left the restaurant to get into Lukas's car, (he had opted to drive his sports car today rather than his motorcycle) he lingered in front of the paparazzi, letting them snap pictures of us and holding me close. For some reason, it was all starting to feel less and less like a dream come true and more like a scene in the show. But that just had to be my crazy guilt over Joseph talking. This was everything I had always wanted, wasn’t it?

  We drove to my house in silence. I couldn’t really think of anything I wanted to say, and it bothered me that Lukas never asked what had happened with Joseph that night. In my normal star struck state, I would say that Lukas was being a gentleman and wanted to protect my feelings. But now I was beginning to think he really didn’t care what had happened between Joseph and me because it didn’t serve whatever purpose he was trying to achieve with this relationship. Then again, maybe I was being too hard on poor Lukas. Just because I had turned out to be a horrible person didn’t mean everyone else in the world was too.

  When we reached my street, Lukas parked his car at the sidewalk in front of my house rather than in the driveway. He kept the car running with its mellow music playing quietly in the background as he turned to me. I could see in his eyes that he was about to tell me something serious, and for just a moment I forgot all of my worrying about how awful I had been to Joseph. Maybe Lukas was about to tell me just how much he needed me in his life and how he couldn’t believe he’d lived in a world without me in it. No. Wait . . . that was a line from one of his movies. So scratch that. I didn’t want him to repeat his scripted lines to me. But maybe he was going to tell me something to that same effect?

  “June, you’re a beautiful girl,” he said finally, when I felt like I couldn’t take the suspense any longer. Even in my stressed state I could appreciate the incredible-ness of what he, Lukas Leighton, huge Hollywood star, had just said to me. “There’s no point in denying it. I like you. And I think you like me too.”

  I was going to try to respond in the affirmative to his statement, but my voice seemed to be rebelling against me so I nodded mutely.

  Lukas opened his mouth like he was about to utter some other magical statement, but then he stopped, as if thinking better of it. Instead, he leaned toward me and slowly brought his lips to mine. To say that I almost had a heart attack would be a huge understatement. Lukas Leighton was kissing me—June Laurie: unimpressive high school student. The kiss was deep and experienced, if not a little awkward due to the armrest between us. I tried to twist in my seat so that I was at least sort of facing him and not just straining my neck in an attempt to kiss the most beautiful, famous guy there was.

  Even though it was crazy, for some odd reason I couldn’t get my mixed-up mind to stop comparing this kiss to the one I had shared with Joseph while we rehearsed our skit together. Even though Lukas’s kiss was like kissing someone who had gotten a doctorate in making out, it wasn’t as . . . what is the word I'm looking for? It wasn't as . . . meaningful. It didn’t quite feel as heartfelt and utterly special as it did when I kissed Joseph. I couldn’t believe that I was even thinking this, but at that moment, I would almost rather be kissing my best friend who I had always claimed I didn’t have feelings for, than Lukas Leighton (who every girl wished they could kiss).

  Even with this confusing revelation passing through my mind, I couldn’t deny that kissing Lukas was like fulfilling a guilty pleasure. I was kissing the most eligible bachelor in Hollywood, even though I was starting to suspect that the rumors about him being a huge jerk were less like rumors and more like well-tested truths. As Lukas kissed me, he brought his hand to my waist (which I’m not quite sure how he managed in our awkward position). His kiss was getting hungrier and more intense, making me feel like we were definitely not on the same page right at that moment.

  And then it happened: confirmation that Ryan, and Candice, and Benjamin, and Joseph had been spot-on.

  Lukas was slowly trailing his hand from my waist upward to a place he definitely wasn’t allowed to be. I grabbed his hand before he could claim his grand title of, "creepy older guy trying to get to second base with an inexperienced and naive younger girl." I instantly pulled away from him and gave him a puzzled look, hoping that maybe, just maybe, I had misunderstood his intentions.

  “What are you doing?” I asked, my eyes full of unspoken accusation.

  “Are you serious?” he asked in return, giving a short laugh and looking at me like I had just said something very funny. “Is it because we’re in front of your house? We can go back to my place if you want. Actually, that would probably be better. More comfortable,” he said, pulling away from me to put his car into gear.

  “Wait,” I exclaimed, stopping him before he pulled away from the house. “I don’t think you’re understanding what I’m saying. That’s not okay.” I tried to sound tough and resolute, but my voice just sounded sha
ky and weird. I could feel my hands trembling, partly because I was shocked that Lukas had turned into a creeper in my eyes, partly because I was genuinely nervous that I was telling him something no one had probably ever told him before, and mostly because everyone had been right. I had been the naïve one all along. It was a hard realization to come to; I won’t deny it.

  “What do you mean it’s not okay?” he asked. I had to hand it to him—he still sounded honestly confused, as if he couldn’t grasp the fact that someone wouldn’t want him to feel them up in his car. Very classy, Lukas.

  “What, haven’t you ever heard of someone having standards?” I asked, my voice sounding a bit stronger now that I was beginning to realize that losing Lukas Leighton’s affections might not be the worst thing to ever happen to me.

  “Are you kidding? What are you, five years old? It’s just sex. It’s not that big of a deal!” he exclaimed, sounding angry now that he fully understood what I was saying.

  My mouth dropped open in shock. Here I had thought he was just kind of a dirtbag, but now that I knew what he really wanted to do, I was fully convinced of his off-the-scale dirtbag level.

  “You were seriously going to try to sleep with me in your car? In front of my grandma’s house?” I asked, my voice much louder than I had intended. “That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard." My whole "old fashioned" obsession had been based on a love of class, and this scenario was probably the least classy thing I could have imagined. Apparently Lukas wasn’t big on romance—he was big on making a girl feel like he was romantic and caring so that they would sleep with him in his stupid expensive car while listening to cheesy pseudo-alternative music. Gross.

  “You do realize who you’re turning down, right?” he said after a moment of thought.

  That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. How had he changed so quickly?

  “You’re disgusting, and conceited, and kind of an idiot. I wouldn’t sleep with you if you were the last person on earth,” I said slowly and seriously as I unbuckled my seatbelt and climbed out of the car. “Thanks for a great night,” I said cheerfully, my voice dripping with sarcasm as I slammed the door and stormed up to the house.

  I felt like every nerve in my body was standing on high alert as Lukas tore off down the street. I was so completely indignant that he really thought I was that cheap. Did I give off the vibe that I would actually do something like that? The worst part about it was that everyone else had so clearly seen what I had been trying to deny the entire time: Lukas was a huge jerk.

  I felt one hot tear slide down my cheek, though I wasn’t really sad. At all. I was mostly brimming with adrenaline and kicking myself for not saying the millions of witty comebacks that were now traveling through my brain at light speed. At least I had managed to sort of put him in his place and let him know he couldn’t have everything he wanted.

  As I stomped up the stairs to my bedroom, I heard Gran asking me what was wrong from the kitchen.

  “Lukas Leighton is the biggest creeper alive,” I shouted down to her.

  “I could have told you that, Bliss,” she called back up. “In fact, I think I did . . . several times.”

  “Yeah, I know,” I said huffily, plopping myself down on my bed and instinctively pulling out my phone to call Joseph. As my thumb went to dial his number, I stopped, remembering why I had been so upset these past few days. I wondered if it would help if I told Joseph what a jerk Lukas was, but the more I thought about that idea, the more it felt like he would think I was running back to him because I couldn’t have Lukas. That wasn't the case at all, but I wondered if that's how it would appear.

  Was it really my fault that I was a bit slow on the uptake? Should I really be punished because I didn’t recognize my feelings for Joseph right away, and because it took a little longer for me to come around? Well, maybe . . . but still. Joseph knew how thick-headed I was going into this whole friendship. He should at least try to be more understanding. But it didn’t really matter, because now I was determined to make things right. I would get Joseph to see how sorry I was, or I would bother him to death trying.

  I could feel my mind working overtime on the perfect way to get him to listen to me, though after what I had done to him, it might take a bit of a miracle. Before I went to bed that night, though, I figured I could at least let him know I wasn’t completely clueless anymore. Picking up my phone, I sent him one single, solitary text, even though I knew he wouldn't respond.

  You were right.

  CHAPTER 22

  Nothing big had changed by the next morning. Joseph still didn’t pick me up for seminary, I still felt horrible, and Gran still had to drive me to set to face the now-undesirable Lukas Leighton. The only thing that had changed was my resolve to prove to Joseph that I was sorry and I really did love him back. It was an odd revelation to me, but after I had admitted it to myself, it made so much sense.

  Of course I loved Joseph. How could I not? He knew me better than anyone else and he loved me even though I was irrational, paranoid, and a complete stress case on the best of days. He loved me for who I was and I loved him back, even if it did take me slightly longer than him to realize it.

  I knew I could possibly get Joseph to respond to my texts and voicemails if I told him I loved him, but it hardly seemed romantic to tell someone that over the phone. That was something Lukas Leighton would do . . . and he wouldn’t mean it. He would just say it so that he could sleep with you.

  Jerk.

  I was shaking the entire time I waited for Lukas to come to set, but when he finally did show up, his behavior threw me off more than I had imagined it would. He wasn’t cold toward me, but he also wasn’t his usual suave, flirty self. Instead, he acted like we were strangers meeting for the first time. He was congenial and only spoke to me when he needed to. Even though he was the world’s biggest scumbag, I had to admit that he was a good actor.

  Sitting in the makeup trailer right before lunch, I stared at myself in the mirror. I looked about the same as I always had (maybe a bit more tired and stressed) but somehow I felt more grown up. It was as if realizing how poorly I’d treated Joseph all these years, while also turning down Hollywood’s biggest heartthrob (ha!) had forced me to mature and take matters into my own hands.

  Candice was busy pulling peacock feathers out of my hair from the scene I had just shot, while Benjamin texted away madly on his phone, occasionally asking Candice to marry him. Ryan, however, kept his gaze fixed on me. It felt almost as if he were trying to figure out what I was thinking just by staring long enough.

  “New Girl, did you sleep with Leighton?” Benjamin blurted from the couch in the makeup trailer. Candice stopped pulling feathers from my hair and watched my reflection in the mirror while Ryan straightened up, suddenly tense.

  “Why do you ask?” I responded, keeping my voice neutral. Even though I didn’t really want to relive that nightmare, I was pretty excited to tell them how I had shut Lukas down.

  “Today on set he treated you like he treats all of his ‘morning after’ companions,” Benjamin said bluntly. “There’s only one reason for that.”

  “Oh my gosh, June, if you seriously slept with that tool, I’ll go jump off a cliff right now,” Candice threatened, putting one hand on her hip and giving me her best four-foot-nothing-in-heels stare down.

  “There’s actually not only one reason Lukas might treat me that way,” I said knowingly, trying to hide my grin but failing miserably.

  “I think I’m going to be sick,” Ryan said, looking like he meant it.

  “Oh, come on you guys. Do you really think I would sleep with him?” I asked, slightly indignant that they really thought me capable of that.

  “Stranger things have happened when young star struck girls come into the presence of the great Lukas Leighton,” Benjamin said with disgust. Candice made a gagging sound behind me, her crimson lips forming a large "O."

  “Actually, what happened between us last night was much better th
an that,” I confessed, happy to have the perfect audience for my "turning down Lukas" story.

  “I don’t think I want to hear this,” Ryan exclaimed, pretending to cover his ears.

  “So, last night, Lukas brought me home in his car,” I began.

  “Car,” Candice and Benjamin said together.

  “That’s the first sign,” Ryan added.

  “He pulled over and played some soft music,” I went on, trying to drag this wonderful story out as long as I could. “We kissed for a while and I was thinking life was pretty good.”

  “Please stop,” Candice said.

  “And then Lukas decided he was going to be a little hands-y,” I continued.

  “No seriously. Stop,” Ryan pleaded.

  “And so I told him that he was disgusting, and an idiot, and that I wouldn’t sleep with him if he was the last person on earth . . . It was pretty romantic,” I finished grandly, still wearing my look of faux bliss.

  “Wait, back up. You told him what?” Benjamin asked, his face the perfect mask of confusion.

  “Oh, and I slammed the door in his face,” I added, proud that I had found the three (out of four) people who hated Lukas most in this world to share this experience with.

  “That’s the most fantastic thing I’ve ever heard,” Ryan admitted in admiration.

  “Okay. I will officially let you call me your friend now,” Candice said. “Oh, I would pay such big money to see the look on his face when you told him no!”

  “I think I underestimated you, New Girl,” Benjamin said with a nod. “Ryan, it’s like our little baby is all grown up.”

  “And off ridding the world of guys who give us all a bad name,” Ryan added, pretending to dab at fake tears in his eyes.

  “I’m not going to lie . . . it felt pretty good,” I confessed.

  “It probably felt like the most epic thing ever because it was,” Candice said happily clapping her hands, having taken the last of the peacock feathers from my hair.