Planet Janet in Orbit

by Dyan Sheldon

  Nan came over for supper tonight to meet the Eco Balladeer. As per usual, Nan immediately went into Jesus mode. Buskin’ Bob didn’t blink. He said he reckoned that if Jesus were alive now He’d be a vegetarian, ride a bicycle, not buy anything that isn’t fairly traded, boycott all companies that support oppressive régimes and grow His own vegetables (now who does that remind me of?!!). I expected Nan to argue, like she usually does, but instead she TOTALLY agreed! (I looked out the window to see if the moon had turned blue, but it was raining.) Apparently Nan’s joined some new Bible group that sees Jesus as a rebel. Nan said Jesus had a lot to say about wealth and money, etc. and was v anti-materialistic. Robert said all the Great Teachers were like that because they understood what is truly important. (I thought Nan was going to hug him on that one!) Nan said that the more she learns about Christ and His teachings, the more she realizes that it’s easier to call yourself a Christian than actually be one. Robert said this was TOO TRUE, and called her Rose! (I didn’t even know that was her name. The MC always calls her Mum; Geek Boy and I always call her Nan; and Sigmund calls her either Mother or – when she’s not in earshot – The Thirteenth Disciple.) Nan said her Bible group is really opening her eyes to the injustices in the world. Buskin’ Bob said that between 30,000 and 35,000 children die every day of preventable poverty-related causes. He said he reckoned that if Jesus came back now, He’d be an anti-globalist. Nan said she didn’t know about that but He’d certainly be pissed off.

  TUESDAY 14 AUGUST

  I was just congratulating myself on finally getting the hang of this waiter lark (I’d been on ONE WHOLE HOUR and I hadn’t mixed up an order, dropped anything or had an argument with ANYONE!) when Flynn and David strolled in. (Of all the joints in all the world, right?) To tell the truth, I was actually glad to see them. But wary. I sidled up to them in my best professional waiter mode and asked them what they thought they were doing. David said they thought they were having lunch. I said not in Durango they weren’t. Flynn said it’s a free country. Not according to Robert and Sappho, it isn’t. But I wasn’t about to argue that right then. I said if they gave me ANY trouble they’d only live long enough to regret it. Flynn said they weren’t trying to get me fired, they just thought it would be a bit of a laugh. I gave them the table way at the back by the kitchen, tucked in behind the fireplace so Saduki wouldn’t see them. David asked me what I recommended. I said the Thai place across the road. This made us all laugh. Flynn said there must be SOMETHING on the menu that was good and I said that none of the beverages had been known to kill anyone yet. Then David spotted Sky. He said, “She’s a bit fit! Are they real?” I said, “What, her feet?” (She has ENORMOUS feet as well!) That made us all laugh too. Flynn and David agreed that all the blokes in the kitchen looked like they had rap sheets as long as your arm. David said he hoped none of them had been charged with poisoning and Flynn said you definitely wouldn’t want to send anything back. More laughter. For the first time since I started, I actually enjoyed myself. And they gave me the biggest tip ever! I was feeling almost happy by the end of my shift – but happiness is v fleeting, isn’t it? The Dorito Bandito grabbed me as I was leaving. He said what did he tell me about my friends coming by? I said they were eating. He said I’m not meant to FRATERNIZE! I took exception to this, of course. If you ask me, the whole deal with being a waiter is that you fraternize. I’m meant to make the customers feel that they’re on to a good thing and not suspect that Satan’s chef and his henchmen have been done for criminal damage. I said that as far as I could work out I was the person who made people glad they’d come here instead of staying home and cooking for themselves. Saduki wouldn’t listen, of course. Blah blah blah. I was practically shaking with the INJUSTICE of it all. So I QUIT!!! Just like that! I threw his stupid tie at him and said, “In the words of Bart Simpson, I’m outta here!” It was a truly liberating moment. It wasn’t until I got home that I wondered if Sappho has had more of an influence on me than I’d thought.

  Disha said she was proud of me for lasting as long as I did at Durango. She said Ethan said Saduki makes Captain Bligh look caring and compassionate. I said now that I’m freed from my bondage we can hang out more, and D said, “Um.” I said, “What does that mean? Only if Ethan’s abducted by aliens?” D said it’s just that she doesn’t have that much time to see him, since he works so much, etc. And he gets a bit funny when she suggests hanging out with someone else. I said what do you mean funny? She said YOU KNOW. I said you don’t mean JEALOUS? OF ME? She said not really jealous, but she can tell he doesn’t like it. He thinks I’m a bit of a flirt!!! If you ask me, she’s making it up. She just doesn’t want me to think she’s the sort of shallow and superficial person who dumps her mates the minute she’s got a boyfriend (the sort of person she USED TO SAY SHE HATED!!!).

  Nan rang tonight, wanting to know what I thought of Buskin’ Bob. I said he’s all right. Nan likes him. She said he seemed like a man of principles. I said if he had any more principles I reckon he’d have us living in a tree.

  THURSDAY 16 AUGUST

  The MC wanted to know why I wasn’t going to work again today. I said because I didn’t feel that the pittance I earned being a servant justified the gruelling labour and constant humiliation. She said, “You mean you were fired.” I said, “Actually, I quit.” I said I felt the Dorito Bandito was hostile and vindictive towards me because I have NORMAL-SIZED breasts. She said, “What about that boy?” I said, “What boy?” She said, “What was his name? Eden? Elijah? Evan?” (Can you believe it? Jocelyn Bandry, who NEVER LISTENS TO A WORD I SAY, remembers some passing mention of Ethan I once made!) I said I didn’t know what she was on about. She said she had the impression from the fact that I never stopped talking about him that I fancied him. I asked if she ever got tired of jumping to the wrong conclusion.

  Hung out with Disha a bit tonight (since she’s ALWAYS BUSY in the day either seeing Ethan or waiting to find out if she’s going to see him). More insights into his perfectness. (I even got a detailed description of what it’s like to KISS him! Apparently it’s like kissing a chocolate mousse. I said I hadn’t realized she’d spent so much time kissing puddings.) I’m v happy for D and I’ve completely lost the little interest I had in Ethan, but to be honest it really is exhaustingly boring. I mean he’s just a lad – it isn’t the Second Coming. I’d rather listen to Robert bang on about the evil of the pharmaceutical companies (which IS NOT one of his shorter lectures) than hear one more thing Ethan said about anything. Flynn phoned to say he knew somebody who was having a barbecue, but Disha didn’t want to go in case Ethan got a chance to ring her from the toilet at work. I know I could’ve lent her the mobe but I don’t see why I should pay for her to tell him how much she misses him because she hasn’t seen him in six hours. I didn’t want to go to the barbecue without D, since the only person I’d know would be Flynn and I reckoned he’d be off with the other boys playing video games or something. But I didn’t want to sit round the house with the MC and Buskin’ Bob either, so I forced myself to go. Flynn wanted to know if Disha was ill or something, since it’s rare to see me without her. This isn’t true, of course. I go plenty of places without Disha. Flynn said yeah, but they’re all toilets. After the barbecue (which didn’t actually feature anything COOKED because no one could get the fire going in the rain), we ended up playing Pictionary. I was partners with Flynn. You’d have to be psychic to guess any of his words. One of his drawings looked like a pyramid. I tried pyramid, but that wasn’t it. It wasn’t a triangle, a tepee or Mount Everest either. He drew what looked like a head peering over it. I tried Egyptians and Aztecs. I tried blood sacrifice and religion. I tried Peeping Tom. It was a cheese-grater (the head was a biscuit!). After that, I prayed for All Plays so at least I could look at someone else’s drawings. We were all laughing so much it took hours. I said to Flynn that I haven’t laughed so much for WEEKS. Flynn said I should hang out with him more, especially now that Disha and I have had the operation and been separated.


  FRIDAY 17 AUGUST

  Since I’m unemployed, the MC made me do the food shopping with her. (First she made me help her put the mountain of bottles in the car so they don’t fall all over the place every time you go near the fridge!) We set off with the bottles rattling round in the boot but we didn’t go to the superstore as per usual (where they have a bottle bank!) – we went to the street market (where they don’t have a bottle bank, of course!). It was like stepping back in time, all sweat and rotting vegetables. I said, “Don’t tell me you’re boycotting supermarkets too.” She said, “Yes. The big chains are squeezing out the small, local shops and farmers.” I said well, that was PROGRESS, wasn’t it? We don’t make our own soap any more either (NOT YET AT ANY RATE!!!). She said and their business methods leave something to be desired. I said I didn’t think they sold diet meals in the market and the MC said she isn’t buying them any more because Robert doesn’t like the company that makes them either. Also, real food doesn’t make you fat. At this rate we’re going to be growing our own vegetables in the back garden and brushing our teeth with sand.

  SATURDAY 18 AUGUST

  Nearly had a heart attack at supper tonight. There was a SLUG in my salad! Buskin’ Bob said that proved the vegetables we bought at the market were organic and not grown in a hothouse on chemicals. (Well, THANK GOD FOR THAT!) The MC said that maybe from now on when she asks me to wash the lettuce I’ll do more than just wave it towards the tap. Was still recovering from this when the MC asked how I’d like to go away for a week before school starts. For one insane moment I forgot who I am, who I’m related to and how God treats me. I was suffused with Joy! I said of course I wanted to go away. Hadn’t I worked my fingers to the bone and my feet to wood pulp all summer? Didn’t I deserve a break? I LONGED to leave the stresses of the city behind for even a few short days and really relax and enjoy the long hours of sun! I asked where we were going. The beaches of Greece? The mountains of Spain? The olive groves of Italy? The theme parks of America? The answer is: none of the above. The answer is: the isolated Wilds of Wales. Robert’s got a cottage (of course – he probably built it himself from wood he found in skips!). The MC banged on about the cottage and how Robert was bringing Marcella and Lucrezia because they really love getting into the country (I didn’t know he had dogs. I’m ASTOUNDED he hasn’t brought them round – he brings eveything else he owns here!), but I wasn’t really listening. I was too DEVASTATED. I said of course, my going did depend on whether or not I got another job. (I reckon I can get SOMETHING even if it only lasts long enough for me to wave them goodbye.) The MC said if I get a job I can stay with Sappho and Mags while she’s away because she doesn’t like me being on my own (she doesn’t say that when she stays out ALL NIGHT, does she?). What a choice – nesting lesbians or the Eco Warrior and his lover! Things just get better and better and better, don’t they?

  MONDAY 20 AUGUST

  Flynn’s parents went out last night, so he invited everybody round for a Waiting-for-Your-GCSE-Results party. He reckoned it’d be a hoot to order a takeaway from China Gardens. Disha didn’t want to come. I said I thought Ethan was off with his Aussie mates for the day and she said eating pesticide-free food must be improving my memory. She said she just didn’t feel like hanging out. She had a lot to do. I said don’t tell me you’ve got to wash your hair, and she laughed. Had a good time even without female support. David was happy to see us. He said usually he’s greeted with scowls and mutterings about how he must’ve come via Norway. David said that if Flynn wants to make some money to pay his parking ticket, he can get him a job with his dad because they’re short-handed right now. I said didn’t you have to be Chinese to deliver takeaway chow mein and David said Flynn could keep his helmet on.

  TUESDAY 21 AUGUST

  Have decided to go to Wales after all. I don’t think I could survive a week of talking about nothing but heartburn and natural childbirth (I never thought I’d say this, but oh, how I long for the days when Sappho’s conversation was all about politics and feminism and what a mess men have made of the world!). And, anyway, I haven’t found a job. The MC said I might have better luck if I actually looked but I pointed out that unless it’s round here I probably wouldn’t make enough to cover my bus fare. She said I could always be an Avon lady. I said yeah, right. I might as well just end my life now.

  WEDNESDAY 22 AUGUST

  Sigmund took me out to supper tonight. He said it was because I’m leaving on Friday and he won’t see me for over seven days, but I’m not fooled. (Not only has he gone WEEKS without seeing me, but the last time he took just me out for a meal I was in primary school and we went to McDonald’s.) I reckoned he wanted to chill me out about my impending GCSE results, which I have to admit I found rather touching. It isn’t like Sigmund to be so Empathetic and Sensitive. And I was RIGHT! It isn’t like him. What he wanted was to pump me for info on Buskin’ Bob (adults always have ulterior motives). To tell you the truth, I feel a bit ambiguous about this (things really aren’t black or white – our minds and hearts are fogged and grey!). On the one hand, Sigmund behaved like a total idiot and pissed everybody off. On the other hand, he is my father – and he doesn’t make you feel like you’re torturing some innocent child every time you put on your trainers. He said Nan had a lot of good things to say about Robert (which is more than she ever has to say about anyone else – esp. Sigmund!). Sigmund said he was très sorry about what happened with Mrs Kennedy and all, but he never meant to hurt anyone. [Note to self: Why do people ALWAYS says that when the obvious result of their actions is that they hurt someone? It’s like dropping 500 megaton bombs on a city and saying you didn’t mean to kill any civilians!] Sigmund says that now that he’s realized the error of his ways, all he wants is for the Mad Cow to be happy. He should’ve thought of that before too, if you ask me. I said well then, he has nothing to worry about, does he? She’s happy as a pig locked in the greengrocer’s (ORGANIC, of course!). He said he had hoped that he and the MC would get back together in time – once he’d given her some space. I said he did science at university; he should know how Nature hates a vacuum. If you leave any space, something will fill it (in this case an Eco Warrior armed with a guitar). I said and anyway, what about his girlfriend? Sigmund wanted to know what girlfriend that would be? The one who doesn’t mind sharing an army cot? I said the one whose earrings were in his bathroom. He said ever since I was little he’s hoped that someday I’d learn to be observant, and now he’s got half his wish. Apparently the earrings belong to the MC. He keeps them to remind him of what he’s lost!!! If he hadn’t looked so serious I would’ve laughed. I mean, really. How much more of a reminder does he need than living in Kilburn?

  THURSDAY 23 AUGUST

  The papers are full of hair-raising stories of GCSE Stress and Teenage Suicides, etc. but I was feeling v laid-back about the whole thing until this morning when I woke up at 3 A.M. in a panic attack and couldn’t get back to sleep. My predictions were all good, but what if something went horribly wrong (LIKE IT OFTEN DOES!)? Would my brilliant future be ruined for ever because mine is a Creative, Artistic Mind that has trouble with quadratic equations? Would all my Hopes and Dreams be dashed for ever on the rocky shores of French grammar? As you can imagine, the MC was très sympathetic as per usual. She said there was no use worrying about it now. Then, seeing that this didn’t exactly CHEER ME UP, she said the worst that could happen was I’d have to do some of them again. I said I didn’t want to DO THEM AGAIN – it was bad enough having to do them the first time. Went to school with Marcus to collect our results. Once the envelope was in my sweating palms, I couldn’t open it. Marcus couldn’t open his either. So I opened his and he opened mine. Smiles and shrieks of Teenage Jubilation all round when we discovered that our young lives hadn’t been blighted for evermore! I nearly kissed him I was that excited!

  The MC said I don’t have to bother packing Justin’s mobe as she doesn’t reckon it’d work where we’re going. I said what made her think I had
Geek Boy’s mobe and she said call it a wild guess. She spent most of the night phoning the train stations of London trying to get a timetable. The deal is that since Buskin’ Bob has to pick something up in Oxford on his way and the Mini can’t go more than a few miles without something falling off it, we’re going to take a train to the nearest town with a station and he’ll collect us. I said on what, his bike? She said not to be ridiculous. He has a Landrover. I couldn’t’ve been more surprised if she’d said he had a private jet. Disha’s parents have a Landrover and it’s well cool. Am almost beginning to look forward to this holiday, even if I will be out of telecommunication. At last I’ll have some truly private time to take stock of myself before the new school term overwhelms me. After all, a lot has happened in a few short weeks (as in my mother’s having sex and my best friend’s become Zombie in Love). And Nature is very conducive to Thought and Reflection, isn’t she? Must remember to pack lots of candles and incense to get me in the proper mood for Thought and Reflection.

  FRIDAY 24 AUGUST