Planet Janet in Orbit

by Dyan Sheldon

  Life really is stressful, isn’t it? Up, down. Up, down. One minute you’re happier than a slug in an organic lettuce patch and the next it’s all gloom and doom again. Yesterday the world was my oyster and tonight it’s back to being a pit of tar. Anyway, just to show you how quickly Life can turn on you, I’m writing this BY CANDLELIGHT (thank God I brought them, right?)!!! Apparently Buskin’ Bob’s cottage does have electricity but NOT AT THE MOMENT. What it also doesn’t EVER have is heat, which is unfortunate if you ask me, since although it’s August (a summer month in the rest of Europe!) it’s pissing down and freezing cold. (Oh no, we don’t want to go to Greece, we want to stay in the sodden British Isles!) So not only am I writing by candlelight but I’m wearing two layers of clothes and am wrapped in a blanket as well. I am totally shattered and exhausted and possibly in a state of clinical shock, but I have to tell someone what happened. Since there’s no one round here but sheep (and the MC was right – the mobe doesn’t work!), you’ve been chosen. The train journey was a nightmare, of course. We could’ve got to Greece quicker. We had to wait ages for our connections and half the time they got cancelled!!! It was DARK by the time we staggered off the train and into the rain. [Note to self: If privatization is such a brilliant idea, why doesn’t anything work properly any more?] There was only one car in the car park. I said I couldn’t believe Buskin’ Bob wasn’t here, and the MC said of course he was here, what’d I call that? I said that didn’t look anything like Mr Paski’s Landrover and she said that was because Robert’s is a classic (as in the First One Ever Made). I said, “But there are three people inside!” And the MC said of course there were three people inside, Robert had Marcella and Lucrezia with him, didn’t he? They aren’t dogs. Apparently Buskin’ Bob Hotspur has reproduced!!! I asked her why she didn’t tell me Robert was bringing his daughters (or even that he had any!), and she said she did. I said I thought she said Robert was bringing his dogs (I mean, really, who gives their children names that make them sound like bottles of wine?). The MC did her sighing thing. She said Marcella and Lucrezia are the WHOLE POINT of the holiday since he doesn’t get to spend as much time with them as he’d like. I said and what am I meant to be? The bloody childminder? She said of course not. She reckoned we’d be COMPANY for each other. (If you ask me, it’s like putting somebody in jail and saying, “Well, at least you’ve got plenty of people to hang out with.”)

  So here I am. I haven’t actually SEEN the cottage because of the lack of light, but I can tell it’s really old from the way it leans to one side. (It’s hard to understand why anyone would go to a five-star resort when they could come here!) The MC said to stop griping, because everything will look better in the morning. I can only hope that for once in her life she’s right.

  Saturday 25 August (SOS from the hut at the end of the universe!)

  The MC was wrong, of course. Not only does NOTHING look better this morning – it looks SIGNIFICANTLY WORSE. I wouldn’t even call this a cottage – it’s more like a HUT. And it’s practically vibrating with spiders (which you’re not allowed to kill, of course). Also, it’s totally filthy (apparently Robert doesn’t just want to save the whale, he wants to save dirt and cobwebs as well!). I can appreciate the idea of getting back to Nature (it is a common theme in music, literature and art, after all), but if we got any further back we’d be in a cave.

  The primitive living conditions aren’t the WORST OF IT though!! The worst of it are the Hotspur progenies. Exhaustion rendered them pretty quiet last night, but today they’re wide awake. If there’d been a crystal ball handy at their births, the parent Hotspurs would have been totally justified in drowning them straight off if you ask me. I have NEVER come across such totally obnoxious children – and you will remember that I am related by blood to Justin Bandry and live next door to Jupiter (who was banned for life from the local swimming pool because he pushed a little girl in when he was only four). Marcella’s not even a teenager yet, but she looks older than I do (here is ABSOLUTE proof that children are growing up too fast nowadays, just like the magazines say!). She never stops talking. Either she’s banging on about herself (ME! ME! ME! and I! I! I!) or she’s criticizing everyone else (esp. her father). Lucrezia’s nine and totally demented. One minute she’s laughing and skipping about like she’s been hitting the organic white wine and the next she’s transformed herself into the Monster That Ate Wales. The only positive thing I can say about Lucrezia is that she’s refusing to talk to anyone but her father – and she only shouts at him. (In my humble opinion, Buskin’ Bob should spend LESS time saving the planet and MORE time looking after his children.) I tried to discuss this with the MC but all she’d say was that Marcella’s just at that age (I said, “What? ELEVEN?”) and Lucrezia has problems (which is like saying the army has a couple of guns).

  Buskin’ Bob and the MC went out to look for birds in the rain. The Hotspurettes wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t go either, but I didn’t get a chance to refuse. It was assumed that I’d stay in the hut with them (childminder or what?!!). Since there’s no TV – even if we had electricity – I went to find a book. Other people leave mysteries and bestsellers in their country homes for imprisoned guests, but not Buskin’ Bob. It’s all stuff about politics, etc.! Found something called No Logo. I thought it might be a novel set in the fashion industry, but it isn’t. Apparently it’s “a convincing analysis of the superbrand”. Started to read it anyway, since it’s the only book he has that doesn’t give me a headache just seeing the title.

  SUNDAY 26 AUGUST

  Question: What’s WORSE than being stuck in the Wilds of Wales in a primitive shack with NO ELECTRICITY and two of the most IRKSOME children ever born?

  Answer: Being stuck in the Wilds of Wales in a primitive shack with NO ELECTRICITY and two of the most IRKSOME children ever born and having to sit round the fireplace every night singing “Where Have All the Flowers Gone?”!!!

  MONDAY 27 AUGUST

  Robert’s book is actually pretty interesting. It says at one time it cost Nike $5 to make shoes it then sold for at least a hundred. And that’s not all!!! Nike once paid a mega-famous basketball player $20 MILLION to advertise their gear – which was more than it paid ALL its workers in Indonesia in the same year! That is a bit off, isn’t it? This is obviously an example of the injustices Nan was banging on about. Must ask her if she’s read this book. (It could solve the problem of what to get her for Christmas. I reckon she’s probably got enough candles by now, and Robert’s copy’s in pretty good nick. I’m sure he’ll never miss it – not when he’s got global warming and starving Third World farmers and all those political prisoners to worry about.)

  TUESDAY 28 AUGUST

  Lucrezia walks in her sleep (OF COURSE – how could I have failed to guess that?!!). After our nightly hootenanny, the Deadly Duo went to bed and the MC, the Eco Warrior and I settled down to play Scrabble (you can’t play games with Lucrezia because after about two seconds she gets pissed off and flings the board in the air). [Note to self: Just because a person worries about endangered species and how many trees are being chopped down in the Amazon doesn’t mean he can’t be V COMPETITIVE.] We were debating whether or not bazooms was a real word when Lucrezia suddenly marched down the stairs. I knew right away she was asleep because she wasn’t howling about anything. Apparently it’s v important not to wake a sleepwalker up suddenly (though no one in their right mind would wake Lucrezia whether she was walking or not – let her sleep, it’s the only time she isn’t making a scene). While Robert took Lucrezia back to bed and the MC made sure all the doors were locked, I took the opportunity to get some decent letters. I feel the least they owe me is winning one lousy game of Scrabble.

  WEDNESDAY 29 AUGUST

  Woke up in the middle of the night to find Lucrezia Hotspur IN MY BED!!! Not only that but she had all the blankets and her foot was in my stomach. It’s a miracle I didn’t wake her up SUDDENLY by screaming with terror (which was only because I can’t believe that even a psychopath would fi
nd us out here – never mind come out in this rain). Robert said I should move the chest of drawers in front of my door from now on to keep her out. Personally I’m for leaving the front door not only unlocked but WIDE OPEN!

  THANK GOD this week is nearly over! It was another RED-LETTER DAY here at Camp Despair. Marcella informed me that my taste in clothes is v passé (she’s not even a teenager, for heaven’s sake – what does SHE know about style?), and Lucrezia attacked me!!! Really – as in went for me with a sharp instrument! All I said was that I don’t like Marmite and she threw a knife at me! I’ve seen her hit Buskin’ Bob (once with a hairbrush and once with a free-range egg!), but I never expected her to go for ME! I said to the MC that they must have obedience schools for children – like the ones they have for dogs – and the Mad Cow said it’s not that Lucrezia’s badly behaved (!!!), it’s that she has a syndrome. I said she should give it back. The MC (or Josh, as she’s known here in Camp Despair) said it wasn’t a joke, poor Lucrezia’s v ill. She’s on drugs. If you ask me, it’s a shame they don’t work.

  THURSDAY 30 AUGUST

  Robert INSISTED that we go for a walk today (he bribed us with a pub lunch and all the crisps we could eat – no matter who made them!). We all got into our anoraks and wellies, etc., and then Lucrezia remembered that the rain was going to melt her and threw herself on the floor, screaming. It took Robert over an hour to convince her that the acid in the rain wasn’t going to turn her into a Slush Puppy (and who told her there’s acid in the rain to begin with, I wonder?!!), by which time the rest of us had taken off our anoraks and wellies and pretty much resigned ourselves to more brown rice for lunch. The pub turned out to be MILES away, and most of them were uphill and through mud. I was numb from the cold and the wet, of course, and muscles I’d forgotten I had were screaming in agony, but unlike the Deadly Duo I was too depressed to complain. All I could think of was Disha and Ethan in some warm, dry place, snogging and telling each other how wonderful they are. By the time we got to the pub they’d already stopped serving lunch! I reckon Robert knew he was about to have a mutiny on his hands because he bought whiskies for him and the MC and COKES for us. I said, “Listen! Can you hear that? It’s the sound of principles crashing to the ground!” Apparently no one thought I was funny. (I wish I’d asked Flynn or Marcus to come – they would’ve thought it was hysterical!) All was well for the few minutes it took Lucrezia to decide that her bag of crisps was smaller than everyone else’s and throw a major fit. You could tell that the good folk of the Welsh countryside aren’t used to this sort of behaviour because EVERYBODY stopped what they were doing and stared at us. (And they didn’t look concerned that some poor little girl was being cruelly tortured by her father – they looked really irked!) Nothing would calm her down, of course. Robert said he’d take her outside while we finished, but the MC said that was ridiculous (it didn’t seem ridiculous to me), so we all left. Halfway back to the cottage Lucrezia started up again because she hadn’t finished her Coke. [Note to self: NEVER EVER HAVE CHILDREN!]

  FRIDAY 31 AUGUST

  Buskin’ Bob drove us back to London. I’d’ve preferred to have taken my chances with the rail service but, as per usual, wasn’t consulted. So I got to bounce around in the back with the Hotspurettes (it’s like riding in a wagon pulled by mules). Marcella talked the whole way (of course) and Lucrezia got car-sick (TWICE!). Then we broke down. It was lucky someone had a mobile phone with her – not that anyone thanked me. It took ages for the AA man to come. Then we had to stop in Oxford because that’s where Robert’s daughters live with their mother the actress and their stepfather the property developer – in a mansion (the ex-Mrs Hotspur obviously DOES learn from her mistakes, unlike some women!). When we finally rolled up to ours I nearly kissed the door to our flat, I was that happy to be home! I said, “Well, at least we won’t be seeing them again too soon,” and the MC said, “Not till next weekend.” I said, “We’re going BACK to Wales?” She said, “No, Robert’s got the girls for the weekend and I thought it would be nice if they all came HERE.” She thought it would be FUN!!! I reckon she was an Inquisitor in a previous life. I said I hoped she didn’t think the Borgia Sisters were sleeping in my room. She said of course not. They could kip in Justin’s. Isn’t that just like Life? A week ago I thought there was nothing in the world that could make me want My Parents’ Other Child back home and now that something is practically moving in with me!!!

  SATURDAY 1 SEPTEMBER

  Couldn’t get Disha last night, so I rang her first thing this morning. Told her I’d really missed her (which was true, but I didn’t mention that I’d missed EVERYONE – even Nan!). D said she missed me too. She’s still in Love but Ethan’s working a lot – and he has his own friends and all. I said AND YOU DON’T? I said why didn’t she hang out with the lads while I was away – they’re always good for a laugh. She said she didn’t fancy it on her own. I said you used to. She said so how was your holiday? Do anything exciting? I said not so you’d notice. I said so do you want to do something today and she said she was going to Camden market with Ethan. She said why didn’t I come too, then after Ethan went to work I could spend the night at hers. I said I thought he didn’t like me because I’m such a FLIRT!!! She said of course he likes me. I’m blowing what she said out of all proportion and taking it out of context. Since Ethan’s showing no signs of going back to Australia (or anywhere else) at the moment, I reckon that if I want to see Disha I’m going to have to get used to seeing her with him, so I said yes.

  SUNDAY 2 SEPTEMBER

  The way Disha and Ethan hang on to each other you’d think they’re afraid of falling over if they let go. It was like walking round with some alien creature with two heads. And it takes HOURS to get through the market like that. I’ve never thought of Disha as the quiet, retiring type, but today Ethan did most of the talking. Blah blah blah, the restaurant … blah blah blah, back home … blah blah blah, his travels… (He was almost as bad as Marcella!) Whenever I tried to have a conversation with Disha he’d start hugging her or something equally distracting, so in the end I gave up. Ethan wanted to know if I’d heard from my brother and I said I didn’t hear from Justin when we were in the same house, so I didn’t expect to hear from him when he’s thousands of miles away. He said (AGAIN) that he wished he could go to Mexico, and I said I did too. Disha (a girl who has always defended Sappho and her views!) pouted and asked what about her. Ethan laughed (which I reckoned you could pretty much interpret any way you wanted). At last he had to go and get ready for work (talk about THE LONG GOODBYE – you’d think they weren’t going to see each other for years!) and Disha and I went back to hers. It was like old times after that – at least for a while. After supper D and I locked ourselves in her room with the candles and the incense and although there was a lot of talk about Ethan, of course, we also managed to discuss Life, the Universe and Everything Else as well. Had Disha in hysterics with my Tales of Camp Despair. She said she didn’t understand why I’d said I didn’t do anything exciting since just being with Lucrezia Hotspur sounded pretty exciting to her. I said only in the way that being in combat is exciting. Disha said maybe Sigmund could tell me what sort of syndrome she has. I asked her if she thought we were as self-absorbed as Marcella when we were her age and D said it was possible, but, frankly, I don’t think so. Then Disha said I’d better hope the MC and the Eco Warrior don’t get really SERIOUS – as in decide to move in together. Then Lucrezia and Marcella would be like my sisters. I said I’ve already got one sibling I don’t want, there’s no way I’m taking on two more. I said speaking of getting serious, what about her and God’s Gift to the Catering Industry? I said if SEX was in the offing, she’d better make sure it was SAFE because there’s been a lot in the mags lately about SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES making a big comeback. She said what was I trying to insinuate about Ethan? I said I wasn’t trying to insinuate ANYTHING!!! All I meant was that the diseases that used to be so popular amongst prostitutes, sailors and kings, like syphili
s and gonorrhoea, are spreading like wildfire (or like syphilis and gonorrhoea!). She said sex wasn’t an issue yet because the room Ethan rents is right off his landlady’s kitchen and they’re not likely to do anything with Mrs Spader cooking and singing along with Capital FM in the next room, are they? All was well till the bewitching hour of midnight, when Ethan rang. I’d never seen Disha move so fast. (Not even that time we thought the house was on fire!) The second she heard the phone she was off like a fox with a pack of hounds after it. I got into bed and lay down to wait for her to come back. She was gone so long that I fell asleep. I would’ve slept till the morning if she hadn’t woken me up when she got back. I sat bolt upright, I was that startled. I thought maybe the house really was on fire this time. Disha said there was nothing to panic about. She just wanted to tell me that Ethan said he loves her. I said so now can I go back to sleep?

  Have been thinking about what Disha said about the Deadly Duo becoming MY relatives. Just the thought makes my blood turn to POLLUTED ICE WATER! How could I be so BLIND? People like my mother have no sense of True Passion or Adventure. They crave security and routine – not a white-knuckle ride on the Kayak of Life. Obviously the MC’s going to want to replace the rut she was in (married to Sigmund) with another rut (cohabiting with Buskin’ Bob) ASAP. And equally obviously, I can’t let that happen!!! It’s enough that Fate has saddled me with Geek Boy as a brother without adding the Deadly Duo as sisters. (I could leave home, of course – they always need volunteer workers in Africa – but I feel it’s important to wait till I’ve at least decided whether I want to be a writer or an artist, because I’m certainly not going to be able to even think about that if I’m walking sixty miles a day to get drinking water, am I?!!) There’s nothing for it – I have to get the MC and Sigmund BACK TOGETHER. And très FAST!!! I know the MC’s still pretty pissed off with him, etc, but they were married for a long time – that’s got to count for something. And she already knows what a pain he can be. There aren’t going to be any surprises like with Buskin’ Bob. (Sappho says the reason people put up with politicians who they know lie to them and cheat on their expenses and take money from big corporations is because they’re afraid that the ones who replaced them would be even worse. I reckon it should be the same in marriage. And DEFINITELY in the Bandry marriage!!!)