Planet Janet in Orbit

by Dyan Sheldon

  Marcus had everyone round tonight because his parents have thrown caution to the wind and gone away for the weekend. Disha said she had something to do with her parents. She missed a really good laugh. We played Trivial Pursuit, and Flynn (who, I have to admit, has a v interesting and original mind) ABSOLUTELY excelled himself! One of his questions was what craft (as in SHIP) did Neil Armstrong take to the moon. Flynn thought it meant craft as in HOBBY! He rejected knitting, woodwork, pottery and jewellery-making and said BUTTER-CHURNING! He reckoned butter-churning was small and portable enough. Marcus wanted to know where Flynn thought the astronauts were going to keep the cow! Game ended due to hysteria!!!

  MONDAY 3 SEPTEMBER

  Had a word with Sigmund about Lucrezia tonight (partly because I’m curious and partly because I want to start him thinking that everything isn’t as perfect between the MC and Buskin’ Bob as he believes!). Sigmund said Lucrezia sounded as if she might be a bit autistic. (She isn’t a bit anything, if you ask me – she’s totally out of control!) I didn’t think girls could be autistic. I said Sappho says that it’s men who are autistic, and he said that’s not what Sappho meant. What she meant was that some male behaviour also happens to be autistic behaviour (well, that’s what I said!). Sigmund can’t say good morning in less than an hour, so you can imagine how he went on about autism, its symptoms and theories (obsessive behaviour is one of the signs!). When he finally ran out of steam, I asked if I could spend next weekend at his. He made a big joke of pretending he hadn’t heard me right. He wanted to know if I’d lost a bet or something. He said he’d heard I thought Kilburn was located somewhere on the bum of the universe and that he lived in a squat (Jocelyn Bandry really has a BIG MOUTH). I said I didn’t say it was a squat, I said it was like a squat because it didn’t have central heating. I said I just thought it’d be nice if we spent a little quality time together. Since when was that a CRIME? He reminded me that he didn’t have a spare room or even a sofa. I could tell that my having the cot wasn’t really an option so I said I’d bring my air bed. Just hope I can get HIM to blow it up!

  Talked to Disha after Sigmund left. Asked her if she had a good time on Sunday. She said she did all her ironing! I said I thought she was going somewhere with the old folks and she said oh, right, there was a change of plan. I said she should’ve rung – we had a brilliant time at Marcus’s. Disha said she didn’t think of it. [Note to self: Is Being in Love like having a lobotomy?]

  WEDNESDAY 5 SEPTEMBER

  All is hectic preparation for the start of school. Am really looking forward to going back despite the incredible academic pressure that will be on me for the next two years. Found a v interesting article in the paper about all the STRESS teenage girls are under and how much they worry about EVERYTHING (their looks, their weight, their clothes, their popularity, their grades, etc.) and left it out where the MC would see it – in case she has any thoughts about me working and doing my A levels. Instead of being sympathetic, all she said was that she thought there were more important things to worry about than the size of your nose or whether you’re wearing last week’s T-shirt. If you ask me, her new role as Consort to the Eco Warrior isn’t improving her parenting skills any.

  Actually got Disha to emerge in daylight today to do some shopping for our return to the corridors of education. (Though NOT FOR LONG, of course. She was meeting Ethan before he went to work. God forbid twenty-four hours should pass without them seeing each other. It’s practically a miracle she survived the sixteen years before I introduced them!) Both of us fell in love with this très cool orange top in Gap. I, of course, couldn’t buy it because orange makes me look jaundiced, but Disha wouldn’t buy it. I said why not? It’s totally YOU. She said because it’s orange. I reminded her that orange is one of her favourite colours, and she said but Ethan HATES orange. I said well, that was good news then, since Ethan doesn’t have to wear it. She laughed, but she still wouldn’t buy the top. I said but you like it. She says that she doesn’t dress for her, she dresses for Ethan. I said you mean like he dresses for you? I can just picture him getting up in the morning and thinking, Now which T-shirt would Disha really like? Should I put on my green socks or my blue ones? She said boys were different. I said that was true. Boys can piss standing up without ruining their shoes. [Note to self: Is Being in Love like having a lobotomy and being on tranquillizers?]

  Disha left me to meet the Man Who Hates Orange, so I took the bus back on my own, which to tell you the truth was fine by me. All D talks about is Ethan, the Ninth Wonder of the World. It’s unbelievable! A few short months ago she was my Soul Sister and now she’s more like the Soul Sister of Britney Spears. Since I’d been WARNED, I had my book with me. The book says that big companies don’t just sell things like shoes or cars any more. They sell ideas, lifestyles and attitudes. (That’s why cars have names like Renegade and Cherokee and Picasso, etc. – not Henry or George.) It says that whereas a car is just a machine to get you from one place to another, a Renegade is a STATE OF MIND. Personally I think the author may be stretching it a bit. Anyway, I was mulling all this over when I heard a truly irritating voice that I recognized immediately. I looked up. Catriona Hendley and Lila were sitting two rows in front of me. I could tell they didn’t know I was there because they were having the sort of private, intimate conversation you have on buses full of strangers. Apparently Catriona got more than a tan during the holidays. She got a secret boyfriend as well! Lila was gushing about How Romantic it all was. Catriona said her parents would absolutely kill her if they ever found out. I leaned forward, hoping I could find out who the unlucky lad is, but AT THAT VERY MOMENT the girl in front of me started talking on her mobe, so all I could hear was HER telling her friend she was on a bus, etc. (Some people are SO inconsiderate. There really should be a law!)

  Told the MC about Disha not buying the orange top. I should’ve known that a woman who won’t even buy my favourite ice cream any more because of her boyfriend wouldn’t be too sympathetic. She said Disha just wants to please Ethan because she’s in love. Then the MC said it was a good thing I didn’t buy the top, because Robert has a lot to say about Gap. I said Robert has a lot to say about EVERYTHING!!!

  Must get Disha to pump Lila for more information on Catriona’s Secret Love!

  THURSDAY 6 SEPTEMBER

  Got sent to the corner shop for TP this morning. For the first time I actually noticed the names of the different brands. One was called FREEDOM and another was FESTIVAL. Made me think about what I was reading yesterday. Maybe the book has a point after all. I mean, what do Freedom or Festivals have to do with TP? Why not just call it Bog Roll or Something to Wipe Your Bum With?

  Went to the Heath with Flynn today. As you know, the Heath holds some bittersweet memories for me because of Elvin – as well as some painful ones because that’s where I crashed that stupid bike and nearly tragically ended my young life! – but I don’t believe in living in the past. (I mean, what’s the point? It’s GONE.) Flynn wanted to know whatever happened to Disha Paski. I said WHO? He wanted to know if we’d had a fight. I said no, what’s happened is that Disha’s in Love. He said here he was thinking she was in quarantine or something, since he’s hardly seen her all summer. I said tell me about it. Flynn said, “We’re not jealous, are we?” I said of course I wasn’t jealous (jealousy is an ignoble emotion, if you ask me). I’m just fed up with being treated like last year’s favourite Christmas present. Flynn wanted to know why he hadn’t met this bloke. Isn’t she meant to introduce him to her mates? To tell you the truth, I hadn’t thought of that. I explained that Ethan works a lot, etc. He said the Prime Minister works a lot too but you can bet his wife’s met his friends. Flynn doesn’t think it’s normal. Willow was having a cup of ethically correct tea with the MC when I got back. For a change they were talking about men (apparently Willow would give anything to meet someone like Robert – I felt like saying she didn’t have to settle for SOMEONE LIKE: she could have HIM). Now that I’m almost seventeen and have
experienced a lot of LIFE (I’ve been disappointed in love twice already and I’ve hardly even gone on a date!), I felt I could join them as a woman and not a child. So I asked them what they thought about Disha not bringing Ethan round to meet her mates, etc. Willow wanted to know if I was a wee bit jealous. I said of course I’m not jealous. I just don’t think it’s NORMAL. Flying against all past behaviour, the MC actually agreed with me on this one! She doesn’t think it’s normal either. The MC said she’s introduced Buskin’ Bob to EVERYONE she knows. Willow finally admitted that we had a point. She said the last time she had a new boyfriend (it’s amazing she remembers!) she even introduced him to people she didn’t know.

  FRIDAY 7 SEPTEMBER

  The MC wanted to know where I was going with my air bed and my overnight bag. I said I was going to my father’s. She remembered him, didn’t she? She wanted to know when I had been planning to tell her I wasn’t going to be around at the weekend. I said I did tell her but because she never listens to anything I say, she obviously didn’t hear me. Even though you’d think she’d know by now that guilt doesn’t work with me, she said what about Marcella and Lucrezia? They’d been looking forward to seeing me again. (Oh, and I THEM!) I said I felt that spending some time with my father was more important. She said I’d never shown any interest in spending time with my father before and I said that he’s never lived somewhere else before. Also, I think he’s LONELY. And he isn’t getting any younger, is he? Men his age have a tendency to suddenly drop dead. How would I feel if Sigmund had a heart attack next week and I’d missed my last chance to see him because I was listening to Marcella tell me which of her friends she’d fallen out with this week? I left très quickly before she could think of a comeback.

  Sigmund took me to see a film tonight and then we picked up a pizza on the way home. I was going to get him in a nostalgic mood by reminiscing about all the good times we had as a family, but I couldn’t think of any. So instead I told him all about our week in the wilderness at Camp Despair (except for the bits where the Mad Cow and Buskin’ Bob were all lovey-dovey). I’ve never made him laugh so much! He asked if Robert REALLY played “Where Have All the Flowers Gone?” every night? I said did the moon wax and wane? He said, “Well, your mother likes him.” Since part of this visit is to start sowing the seeds of doubt about Buskin’ Bob’s suitability for the MC, I said I didn’t think the Mad Cow’s judgement could be totally trusted. After all, she was V HURT by Sigmund running round with Mrs Kennedy like that and she needed to regain her sense of herself as a woman (I read this in the colour supplement). I said in that state she’d go for any bloke whose knuckles didn’t actually scrape the floor. Sigmund looked thoughtful at this, but since he’d determined to be UNDERSTANDING, he said that from what he’d heard they did seem to get on v well. I said there had been a couple of shouting matches in the Welsh wilderness. A spark of Hope shone in his eyes. He said REALLY? I said yes, really (these were between Marcella and Lucrezia or between Lucrezia and anybody else, but I didn’t see any reason to mention that).

  Sigmund refused to blow up my air bed on the grounds that a man who’s been smoking cigarettes for over thirty years needs all the breath he can get. I said he should’ve thought of that before he started. He said he wishes he had.

  SATURDAY 8 SEPTEMBER

  I’m having such a good time with the paternal parent that I’m beginning to think it’s almost too bad that Sigmund didn’t get a two-bedroom flat after all. It’s v Peaceful and Quiet here behind the bingo hall – though to be honest the West Bank would probably seem pretty Peaceful and Quiet without the Hotspurettes. Also, unlike Buskin’ Bob, Sigmund is still buying from Proctor & Gamble, Unilever, Coca-Cola, Colgate-Palmolive, Nestlé, etc., so he got all my favourite things in. And tonight he took me to a v cool restaurant (in Kilburn!) where we ate on this little indoor balcony. We played backgammon when we got back to the squat because he hasn’t got round to getting a telly yet. Since I had a few hours to spare, I asked Sigmund what he thought about someone not introducing her mates to her new boyfriend and vice versa. Sigmund wanted to know who we were talking about. I said just someone from school. He said you mean Disha? I said yes, otherwise known as Zombie in Love. Sigmund wanted to know if perhaps I was a little jealous. I said NO, I just found it distressing the way she was changing because she has a boyfriend – also, I didn’t think it was normal to keep him away from everybody else. Sigmund finally admitted that he thought it was a bit off too, especially for someone with Disha’s extrovert personality. He had a lot of psychobabble to back him up, of course. Is she afraid that he won’t like her friends and think less of her? Is she afraid that he might like her friends more than he likes her and think less of her? Is she jealous and possessive and doesn’t want to share him because of her own insecurity? None of this sounds like Disha to me. I’ve never known her to be jealous or possessive, and she isn’t insecure. She may not ooze confidence the way a slug oozes slime (as Catriona Hendley does) but she’s v together. Sigmund pointed out that I’d never seen her in this sort of situation before (which is true, of course – she’s always been completely sane). Was mulling over Sigmund’s words when the truth hit me the way an asteroid hits a planet! Maybe the reason D’s keeping Ethan to herself is because she feels guilty – you know, for more or less stealing him away from me. That would make sense. The magazines are right: it definitely helps to discuss things with someone else. I was really glad I had talked to Sigmund – even though he’s always wrong.

  SUNDAY 9 SEPTEMBER

  The Mad Cow was in the kitchen with Sappho and Mags when I got home (I made certain the Hotspurs were on their way to Oxford before I appeared!). I asked the MC how the weekend went, and she said it was fine. I know she was lying because Sappho patted the MOUNTAIN and said that after hearing about Lucrezia she almost hoped it would be a boy (which is the same as a normal woman saying she almost hoped it would be a woolly mammoth). The Mad Cow said the girls were v disappointed not to see me, and I said I was practically heartbroken. I said there’ll always be another weekend, and she said there would be. Not if I can help it, there won’t.

  MONDAY 10 SEPTEMBER

  Someone should write to the Prime Minister and let him know that not all British Youth are disillusioned and apathetic about their education. My friends and I are absolutely ECSTATIC to be back at school again. Flynn and Marcus said that having nothing to do but play video games and watch telly is like having nothing to eat but crisps and sweets. David said he’s seriously thinking of dedicating himself to going to school for the rest of his life. He reckons that next to doing a mindless job (as in riding a chow mein scooter), going to school is like a holiday. Only Disha’s a bit down, because now that she’s at school all day and Ethan’s at work all night, she’s not going to see so much of him. I said she should take a photo of him – then she could see him whenever she wants. She said I’ll understand what it’s like when I Fall in Love myself (all I can say is I sincerely hope not!). But when Marcus asked her what she did with herself over the holiday, she went all coy and said oh, this and that. Flynn said he heard she was in Love with some Australian. Disha blushed and gave ME a look as if I’d told some government secret or something. David wanted to know when we were going to meet this Wizard of Oz. Disha gave me another accusatory look and said, “His name’s ETHAN and Janet’s met him.” David said he meant everybody else. Disha said Ethan works most nights, so it’s v difficult. Flynn said his bedtime isn’t nine any more, so he can’t see any problem – not unless this bloke’s a vampire.

  Catriona Hendley had THE MOST BRILLIANT HOLIDAY OF ANY HUMAN WHO EVER LIVED (and, as per usual, was physically incapable of NOT talking about it). Last summer Catriona and Mummy and Daddy went to Canada (which, of course, was the most brilliant holiday ever that year!), but this summer they “did” Singapore, Malaysia, Fiji, Australia, Hawaii, Bali, etc. I said what did she “do”, bore them to death? Also as per usual, she ignored this barbed comment and banged on about where she
went and what she did when she got there. She did yoga on a mountain top overlooking the ocean. She went swimming with dolphins. She went sailing and surfing. She watched the sun set over the rice paddies. She went topless on the tropical beaches of Kuta. Up until then everyone had been nodding and wishing she’d hurry up and finish, but when she said the bit about going topless, all the boys looked up with genuine interest (AS IF, right?). She told David that her holiday experience had given her a fuller understanding of Asian culture. David said his experience delivering cold rice and prawn crackers had given him a fuller understanding of Asian culture too. I noticed she didn’t mention anything about a MAJOR ROMANCE. This must be even more secret than I thought. Catriona Hendley doesn’t get so much as a new hair-clip without making certain everyone else knows about it. Reminded Disha that she’s got a Mission!