The Reluctant Daddy

by Helen Conrad

  She shook her head. “You never paid much attention.”

  He shrugged and didn’t look sorry. “No, actually I never did.”

  She sighed. “How are your children going to know their background if you’ve never bothered to learn yours?”

  His face closed the moment the word children was out of her mouth, but he didn’t turn away.

  “Hey, this is America, remember? The home of the brave and the land of the free. We don’t want to know what your father was, we just want to know what kind of person you are. You genealogy freaks are unpatriotic, that’s what.” He pounded a fist to his chest, he-man style. “I am what I am, as Popeye would say. Who cares what my ancestors were?”

  She smiled at him. “Here in Tyler, I’m afraid we care,” she told him.

  He grunted. “All I can say is, get over it. Life is for living, not for nostalgia.”

  She watched as he moved on to look at another set of grave markers, and a poignant feeling came over her. That last statement had been meant for himself as much as for her, hadn’t it? She wished he would tell her about his children. She wished she knew why he carried that haunted look in the back of his eyes.

  They spent another fifteen minutes in the cemetery and then began to walk slowly back, with Lee playing with the flashlight, projecting circles up into the trees.

  “I guess it’s time I took you home,” he said, reaching out to pull her close with an arm around her shoulders.

  She wanted to say, Not yet, but she knew she ought to get home to her children. “I guess so,” she said softly. “I’ve had a wonderful time.”

  He stopped, turning her to face him and looking down into her eyes. They were near the edge of the evergreens, almost back to the street. She could hear a car going past, but only dimly, because her senses were caught up in him at the moment, and that was all she cared about.

  “We probably shouldn’t have done this,” he said slowly, gazing deeply into her eyes and touching her cheek with the back of his fingers.

  “What?” She peered up at him, bewildered. “We haven’t done anything.”

  A slight smile twisted his wide mouth. “You really think we haven’t done anything tonight?” he asked softly.

  “No.” She shook her head. “We just went to an ice show and to the cemetery.” And yet that wasn’t what he was talking about. She knew he meant something completely different. She just didn’t want to admit it.

  “It was a perfectly normal night,” she insisted.

  He shook his head, looking into her eyes. “I think we’ve done a lot tonight. Too much.” His palm cupped her cheek. “And this is the proof,” he said softly as he leaned down to give her a brief, searing kiss on her lips.

  Too brief, she thought quickly. Much too brief, and he was pulling away and she couldn’t let that happen. “Lee,” she said, staring into his face. “I’m not convinced.”

  He stopped where he was and even in the darkness she could see something warring in his eyes. “I don’t know, Glenna,” he said softly, reaching out to push a wisp of hair from her face. “I’m not sure I should kiss you again.” His eyes narrowed, searching hers. “I don’t want to start a train moving that can’t be stopped.”

  She felt something surge through her and suddenly she realized it was a bravery she’d never had before.

  “We can stop anything, any time we choose,” she told him confidently. “We’re adults. We have free will.”

  “Oh, yeah?” He swallowed hard as his hand trailed along her collarbone and a grimace almost like pain swept over his face. “You wanna bet?” he said softly.

  “Yes,” she whispered, craning toward him, yearning toward him. “Yes. I’ll risk it.”

  He took her face between his two large hands and held her as though she were something precious he’d just discovered. “You know, Glenna,” he said. “To you I may seem...I don’t know. Quiet. Professional. Maybe sort of tame.”

  She almost laughed aloud at that. How could he be so far off? But she didn’t laugh. She took one long look into his eyes and she knew he was telling her something he didn’t often tell people, and that she ought to listen carefully.

  “But deep inside,” he went on, “I’m not like that. Down inside me, there’s an anger I can’t quite put out. And there’s something else.”

  “What?” she asked breathlessly.

  “I don’t know.” He frowned, shaking his head slowly. His hands slipped up into her hair, fingers spreading. “And sometimes it scares me.”

  “Lee...” She raised her own hands and placed them against his chest. “It doesn’t scare me,” she said, her eyes shining with conviction. Her pulse was racing and she felt as though her fingertips were tingling. She’d never felt so alive before, so full of fire.

  “No?” He began to pull her closer. “It should, Glenna,” he said, his voice more a groan than words. “It should.”

  But he had her in his arms now and he knew he wasn’t going to stop. He’d been wanting her for hours, for days, ever since he’d first seen her sitting in his car with her hair in braids. He’d told himself he couldn’t have her, but how could he resist her now?

  His mouth found hers and took it, drawing out her sweet, sure nature, testing his power at the same time, testing what she would allow, testing what she wanted, and the answer was quickly clear. She was his. He could feel it. She’d crossed the line and she was ready for whatever he wanted from her.

  And he wanted it all. His hands slid inside her jacket, up under her sweaters, and found soft, round flesh that seemed to melt in the heat of his touch. Desire rose in him, hard and urgent, and his heart began to pound in his ears.

  She was going to be so good. He could feel it. He could smell it. He could touch it. He could taste it. He could even hear it in her soft moan of pleasure as his hands stroked and caressed her.

  And still it wasn’t enough.

  Even as he pressed her close and felt her own passion spiraling toward surrender, he knew it wasn’t enough. He’d been right the first time. She was no one-night stand. He couldn’t take her here in the woods and then drop her at her house and drive off toward the horizon.

  Why not? Something wild and hard in him was asking. Why the hell not? Other guys did it all the time.

  But he couldn’t do it, not to her. He cared too much about her, and he knew how that would affect a woman like her. He wasn’t going to do it. Not tonight. Not ever.

  “Glenna,” he murmured, pulling back and then pressing her face to his chest and stroking her hair. “Glenna, we’re not going to do this.”

  His voice came out more harshly than he’d meant it to, and she stiffened against him. He started to apologize and then stopped himself. He wanted her to back away, didn’t he? He wanted her to decide he wasn’t worth the effort. If he wanted that, he didn’t have to come across as Mr. Nice Guy. Better she should think he was a jerk.

  “Come on,” he said, breaking away from her and turning toward where the car was parked. “Let’s get out of here.”

  She stood where he’d left her, trying to catch her breath. She didn’t know why he’d stopped, and right now, she couldn’t even think about it. Looking up at the stars, she heaved a sigh, full of wonder, because she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if it had been left up to her, they would be making love right now on the fallen leaves and pine needles under her feet.

  That’s not me, she thought, following him out of the trees. I’m not like that.

  And yet at this time, with this man, it could have been. Did that mean she was in love?

  * * *

  LEE SAT IN THE OFFICE they had loaned him in the fire station and stared at the list he held in his hand. It had been here in a stack of papers for a week, and he’d only just gotten around to looking at it. Too bad he hadn’t noticed it before. It
might have saved him from...

  From what? A night out with a woman who stirred his blood and engaged his mind like no other female he’d ever known? What was he, a fool?

  Probably. He looked down at the list again. Fred Khan had put it together for him. The names were of people who had signed the visitors’ book at Sugar Creek Park the weekend before the fire. The book was kept in a rustic wooden box near the parking lot, put there by the Tyler parks and recreation staff to garner comments and keep a loose tally on out-of-town visitors.

  Most of the names meant nothing to him. They had no obvious connection to the fire or anything related to it. But one name did stand out. Glenna Kelsey McRoberts had visited the park with a group of children that afternoon. And Glenna had lied to him about it.

  He thought back over the day he’d visited her at home and asked her about being in the area the day before the disaster. He had a retentive memory, and he was certain she’d said she hadn’t been there. That could only mean she’d forgotten or was lying. And since she’d been there with a group and had stopped at the logbook to register them, carefully writing down each child’s name, how could she have forgotten? And why had she assumed he wouldn’t find out?

  Glenna and the fire. It didn’t make any sense. Leaning forward, he pulled the telephone closer and began dialing the number for the parks department. He had to make sure this wasn’t a mistake before he confronted her about it. That was a meeting he wasn’t looking forward to.

  * * *

  IT WASN’T UNTIL afternoon that Glenna remembered her promise to her brother to talk to his wife. She was hurrying home from doing some research at the library and needed to pick her children up at TylerTots, but there was a window of about half an hour before that became critical, so she decided to stop in at Pam’s.

  Glenna had spent the morning playing with her children. She liked to set aside time for that at least once a week. With her work and her classes, she was awfully busy and it was easy to end up leaving her children with others for a large part of every day. She didn’t want to do that. So she made schedules and lists and, ultimately, time for them.

  All morning, as she’d watched Megan color and had talked to Jimmy about the cars he was playing with, her mind had only been partially connected. Memories of the night before with Lee wouldn’t leave her alone. And the more she thought about it, the more she didn’t understand.

  It wasn’t as though she was asking for commitment. She knew it was stupid to do anything without asking exactly that, and ordinarily, she would be the last person she knew to jump off a cliff blind. And in the light of day, she was darn glad things had turned out the way they had. After all, she had her kids to think of.

  But the thoughts still nagged her. Why had he turned her down? He’d wanted to make love as much as she had, and yet... Why?

  But she thought she knew. He wasn’t going to be around much longer and he didn’t want to have a woman with two kids following him around. Okay. Well and good. She could understand that. But one other thought pricked at her. What if he was reluctant to date her because he was about to accuse her father in the arson case? That possibility worried her a lot, and had from the first.

  But she shoved her worries aside and drove to the other side of town, looking forward to seeing her sister-in-law.

  Rosemary Dusold was leaving just as she pulled up in front of Pam’s neat frame house.

  “Hi, Rosemary,” she called, and the tall, blond woman turned to greet her with a wave.

  Glenna liked Rosemary. She seemed to be built on a larger scale than most people, athletic and tanned-looking even in the middle of winter. She had a cheery, bouncy quality that made her seem younger than her thirty-eight years, and at the same time, a grace and warmth that drew people of all ages.

  “You aren’t here in an official capacity, are you?” Glenna asked her, suddenly chilled by the thought that Pam’s MS might be troubling her once again. Rosemary was a physical therapist who had treated Pam before.

  “Oh, no.” Rosemary shook her head so that her full blond ponytail bounced against her shoulders. “I just dropped by to say hi. Pam’s been avoiding me lately.” Her grin took the sting from her words. “So I popped in to make sure she didn’t hate me or anything like that.”

  “And does she?” Glenna asked with a smile.

  “Signs are good,” Rosemary said with a laugh. “She promised to ‘do lunch’ with me next week.” She sobered, looking at Glenna thoughtfully. “You know, she does seem a little down, though. Maybe you can cheer her up more than I did.”

  Glenna instinctively caught the underlying worry in her voice and realized all Rosemary’s protestations were a hoax. She was just as concerned as Patrick had been.

  “She didn’t give you any idea why?” she asked hopefully.

  “Not really. She claims she’s just fine. But she isn’t the Pam I’ve known and loved all these years.” Rosemary threw out her hands, not being one to dwell on problems. “Oh, she’s probably okay. It’s the middle of winter. Who wouldn’t be down? You can’t even get a good hike in without worrying about a storm coming up, and nobody wants to play tennis. I can hardly wait until spring, I’ll tell you.”

  Glenna laughed, turning toward the house, and Rosemary waved and started off toward her own car.

  Pam and Patrick’s home was set back from the sidewalk and Glenna had a feeling she was being watched as she approached. That was odd, she thought, but when she rang the bell, Pam was right there to open the door. Her big old dog, Samson, was too, wagging his tail in welcome.

  “Are you here to check up on me, too?” Pam asked as she let Glenna in.

  “Pam, are you getting paranoid?” Glenna retorted. “Since when do I need a reason to stop by and say hello?”

  Pam looked regretful and threw up her hands. “Okay, okay, I surrender. You’re a pal. You’re just here to visit. Let’s visit.”

  She led the way into the kitchen and swung up on a bar stool. “Want anything?” she asked. “Coffee, tea or milk?”

  “No thanks,” Glenna responded, sitting down across the counter from her. “I’ve got to pick up the kids in a few minutes. Oh, thanks for taking them Christmas shopping the other day. Mom said you did a great job and I’m going to love what they got me.”

  Pam laughed, looking suddenly much less tense. “Oh, they were cute as the dickens. But I also got some pointers on what they want for Christmas. You ready for this?”

  “Sure. What do my little darlings have their hearts set on?”

  Pam grinned. “Well, Megan saw a three-hundred-dollar watch she thought would be really neat to wear to preschool. And maybe to the sand box when the weather warms up.”

  Glenna laughed. “Oh, great. Do they make knockoffs for less than five bucks? That’s more my speed.”

  “No such luck, my dear. Megan is going to think Santa Claus is a cheapskate.”

  “Guess what? He is. He doesn’t quite have the resources for presents like that.”

  Pam nodded. “Then there’s your mild-mannered son, Jimmy. He saw a belt buckle that really blew him away. It’s shaped like a silver snake, with a fake-ruby eye, and it’s about as big as Texas. Looks like something a biker would covet. I’m sure you’ll be running right out to buy that one.”

  Glenna groaned. “You don’t suppose I’ve got an incipient Hell’s Angel on my hands, do you?”

  Pam chuckled. “Only in his dreams.” Then, unaccountably, she sobered and the cloudy look was back in her eyes. “Dreams. What the hell good are they but to make you feel bad about reality,” she muttered.

  Glenna leaned forward and looked into her face. “Are you okay?” she asked softly.

  Pam’s head shot up. “See? You are here to spy on me, aren’t you?” She was only half-joking.

  Glenna shook her head. “Pam, I’m worried about you.
”

  “I know,” Pam said, sighing. “Patrick’s worried, too.” Turning, she looked directly into Glenna’s eyes for the first time. “To tell you the truth,” she said softly, “I’m worried.”

  Glenna felt a shiver of fear slice through her and she grabbed her sister-in-law’s hand and searched her eyes. “Pam, what is it?”

  “Oh...” She seemed to crumple at her touch. “Glenna, it’s so awful. I—I...” She turned her face away but didn’t pull out of her grasp. “I can’t go through with it,” she said, holding back tears. “I can’t adopt a baby.”

  Glenna stared at her, completely at sea. “Why not?”

  Pam shook her head. “It’s making me sick just thinking about it.”

  Glenna’s heart leaped. “Oh, Pam, you don’t mean your MS is acting up?”

  “No. No, I don’t mean that.” She smiled through her pending tears. “I’m just so nervous and queasy. I’m itching all over and my stomach is upset. I just can’t stand the thought of it.”

  “But Pam, there’s nothing to be so upset about. It’s—”

  “Don’t tell me it’s easy,” she wailed. “I know that. Women have been raising babies since time began. But I can’t do it.”

  “Oh, Pam...”

  “When I started down this road, I thought it would be a snap. Taking care of Megan and Jimmy was fun. I adore them, you know that. But the more I’ve gone into it, the more I’ve begun to see how difficult it is and how things could go wrong. There are so many ramifications from everything you do. You’re molding little lives! Every time you speak to children, you’re changing something in them.”

  “You’re overstating it. And anyway, you know very well you can do it.”

  “Do I? How will I decide, how will I know?”

  Glenna thought for a moment, then hit upon an idea. “Were you a good athlete when you made it to the Olympics?” she asked.