A Walk Along the Beach

by Debbie Macomber

  Although we made an effort to eat dinner, all either of us could think about was sleep. Without needing to point out the obvious, Sean led me to the spare bedroom. I followed behind him, looking into a room that had only the essentials: a bed, a nightstand, and a dresser. The bed seemed sterile and uninviting, like one I might see at the hospital.

  “Would you mind terribly,” I said, my voice trembling slightly, “if I slept with you?…I don’t want to be alone tonight.” I wasn’t asking him to make love to me. What I wanted, what I needed, was a warm body, a healthy one that I could cuddle against and forget what awaited me in Seattle.

  “Yes, of course. I didn’t want to assume…”

  “Just sleep.”

  “Frankly, at this moment, that’s all I’m capable of myself.”

  It was late; we were both tired. Stepping into the spare room, I slipped into my pajamas before I returned to his bedroom and folded back the covers.

  “Right side or left?” Sean asked.

  I shook my head. It didn’t matter.

  We climbed into bed together and Sean gathered me in his arms so that my head rested on his shoulder. Neither of us spoke. I closed my eyes, savoring the warmth of his embrace, needing his touch, the feel of his skin against mine. His heart beat strong and steady in my ear. Listening to the even beat quickly lulled me to sleep.

  At some point during the night, I must have rolled onto my side, away from Sean. I woke with him cuddling me, his arm around my waist, securing me firmly against him. For the first time in weeks, my initial thought on waking wasn’t about Harper, what she needed, how I could best help her, who I needed to talk to, what should be done. Instead I was wrapped in warmth and comfort. Every cell in my body wanted to escape that hospital. If I never stepped into a medical facility again it would be too soon.

  We woke after eight. Eight! This was the first night of solid sleep I’d had since I couldn’t remember when. But eight? I’d planned on being at Bean There when it opened. Apparently, I’d slept through my alarm. Sean had, too.

  The moment I saw the time, I tossed aside the covers and scurried out of bed. Forgetting my clothes were in the spare bedroom, I ran around the bed, searching for something to wear.

  “Sean,” I cried, waking him.

  He sat up and stretched his arms above his head. Yawning, he announced the obvious. “We slept in.”

  Well, duh. That was putting it mildly. “I need to get to the café.”

  “Give me a few minutes,” he said, sounding far too calm.

  Couldn’t he see how panicked I was? I should have been at the shop hours ago. Instead, Sean stilled me, brought me into his arms, and hugged me close.

  “Good morning, baby,” he whispered, and kissed the side of my neck.

  His touch and kiss calmed my racing heart. I drank in his strength, his calm, wondering how long it would be before I would have the opportunity to be in his arms again. Breaking away from him was hard.

  “Dad is coming for me at noon,” I said, not that Sean needed the reminder. The sooner I could return to Harper, the better I’d feel.

  I was about to ask Sean when I would be able to see him again when he volunteered his plans for the day.

  “I’ve got to unpack, do laundry, deal with the mail, and make my flight arrangements.”

  Flight arrangements.

  His words fell like lead weights into the center of the room.

  “You’re leaving? Again?” The words stuck in my throat to the point that releasing them was painful. I was convinced I hadn’t heard him correctly. Surely there was some misunderstanding. Why would he need to leave again when he’d so recently arrived home? It made no sense.

  He held me at arm’s length, only it felt as if we were worlds apart. “I need to go to Chicago, where Doug lives. The two of us are working on the article for National Geographic.” He spoke slowly, succinctly, as if I should already know this.

  I shook my head to clear my thoughts.

  “I won’t be gone long,” he promised. When I didn’t comment, he added, “Trust me, I’m not excited about leaving you again, especially now.”

  Swallowing became difficult. Speaking was impossible. It felt as if I’d been sucker-punched.

  “It isn’t something I want to do, Willa. But I have to see the rest of this assignment through…”

  I was frozen in place; it was all I could do to take in a breath.

  “I don’t want to leave,” he said, looking miserable. “I tried to get an extension, have the magazine hold the article until the following month, but the editor refused.”

  Heading back to the bedroom, I reached for my clothes, dressing with my back to him, eager to leave.

  “I realize the timing is bad. If I could put this off, I would.”

  “So you said,” I managed, eager to be on my way before I lost control and said something I’d regret.

  “Please, Willa, don’t be angry…I probably should have said something sooner. I’m sorry, sorrier than you know.”

  “It’s fine,” I said, doing my best to hide my feelings. “You have no obligation to me or my family. We’ve only been dating a few months. This situation is with my family, not yours.”

  As far as I was concerned, we were finished. This was his life, his profession. He left for weeks on end to places any sane person would avoid, risking his health and his safety. His camera was his mistress. The time had come for me to wake up and accept the truth. This relationship was not going to work for me. Perhaps I was a coward not to break it off right then. The temptation was strong, but I didn’t want to lash out impulsively. When we next talked, I’d be able to think and speak without emotions clouding what needed to be said.

  As soon as I dressed, Sean drove me into town. The silence between us was as heavy as a concrete wall.

  When we arrived at Bean There, I climbed out of the car and leaned into the open window on the passenger side. “Thank you,” I said stiffly, letting it go with that. He started to say something, but I turned away before he had the chance.

  “Call me once you’re back in Seattle,” he called after me.

  I ignored him and headed toward my shop.

  I entered Bean There and felt a collective sigh from both the staff and the customers. Everyone wanted an update on Harper, but no one had the courage to ask.

  “I left Harper yesterday afternoon in good spirits.” That was a bit of an exaggeration.

  Shirley gave me a hug. She looked tired and I couldn’t blame her. Since I’d been gone, she’d carried the weight of responsibility for the baking and bookkeeping, plus everything else: schedules, payroll, customer service, ordering supplies, and morale.

  “How are you holding up?” she asked, automatically handing me a cup of coffee and a breakfast roll.

  “Okay.” That, too, was an exaggeration. Worse now that I’d mentally ended things with Sean.

  Shirley had emailed me the ledger entries so I could keep track of how the business was doing. Revenues were down, which was to be expected, I suppose. She suggested we add pecan rolls to the menu and commented that pumpkin spice was the current bestseller in the flavor category. We discussed a few strategies that would boost sales when I was away. While with Harper, my attention hadn’t been on the business. I wasn’t paying near enough the attention I should have been.

  After about a half hour, Shirley asked what had to be her most pressing question. “Do you know how much longer you will be in Seattle?”

  I didn’t know and admitted as much. “I…can’t say.” I realized my being away from the business had gone on far longer than anyone had anticipated.

  “The thing is,” she said, looking down at her hands, “I don’t know if I can continue filling in for you. I’m working all hours of the day. I want to help, Willa, you know that. But it was never my intention to come on f
ull-time.” Reluctance weighed down her voice.

  “You’ve done far and above anything I could have asked.” One option would be for me to close the business until matters with Harper were settled. No one else was capable of stepping in for me other than Shirley. It had been seamless with the two of us working in tandem, her filling in two days a week. I couldn’t continue to ask her to work as many hours as I did. When I’d hired her, it was for twenty hours a week, not fifty to sixty.

  “Can you manage for another couple of weeks?” I asked, my heart in my throat.

  She hesitated and then nodded. “I suppose, but no longer. I’m really sorry, Willa.”

  “Don’t be. I understand.”

  Shirley’s face betrayed her regret. “What will you do?”

  I shrugged. My options were few. “I’m not sure. Winter is slower anyway, so it makes sense to close for the time being.” I hated to do it; financially, it would be devastating. But what choice did I have?

  Mentally I reviewed my savings account. I’d need to make rent for both the shop and the apartment. I’d started to build a small nest egg, hummingbird-size, that would carry me one month, possibly two.

  A huge knot cramped my stomach with the reality of my situation. While I could be optimistic, in every likelihood I would need to close Bean There for good. Immediate tears filled my eyes and I blinked them away.

  Shirley reached for my hand and gave it a squeeze. Maybe it was time I moved away from Oceanside. Maybe I should think about living in Seattle. The girl who worked the hospital cafeteria did a horrible job with the lattes. I could get a job there and…

  Joelle knocked against the office door. “Sorry to interrupt,” she said. “Dr. Annie heard you were in town and wondered if you had a few minutes.”

  “Of course.”

  Patting my hand, Shirley stood. “I’ll leave the two of you to talk.”

  Shirley returned to the kitchen and Annie came into the office. “Willa,” she said, and exhaled as if she’d been holding in her breath. “It’s good to see you. Can you update me on Harper’s condition?”

  As best as I could, I replayed the events of the last few weeks, Lucas and Chantelle’s wedding being the highlight. I told her about John and his determination to help Harper. For the first time that morning, I smiled, relaying the obvious devotion the doctor and my sister had for each other.

  Annie listened intently, nodding now and again, frowning at other times. When I finished, she asked, “How are you holding up?”

  “I’m fine.”

  She shook her head as though she didn’t believe me. “How are you really?”

  “Fine,” I said again, and burst into tears. It was too much. I was losing my sister and my relationship with Sean had reached a dead end. He didn’t know it, but the handwriting was on the wall.

  Annie stood and wrapped her arms around me, holding on to me tightly. “That’s what I thought.”

  “I want to believe Harper will beat this. She did the first time, but it’s much, much worse now.”

  “I hope you realize you can’t keep her alive by the force of your own will,” Annie whispered.

  Someone else had said that and I’d ignored it, refusing to believe I wasn’t the one keeping Harper alive by wishing and believing it. That was nuts. I held no such power over my sister’s cancer.

  Or did I?

  Annie was able to stay only a few minutes, as she’d left patients waiting at the clinic, but she’d wanted a personal update when she heard I was in town. Not knowing how long I’d be around, she took the chance I was available.

  After Annie left, I talked to the two girls who manned the front of the shop. Joelle was a longtime friend of Harper’s and had worked for me before she started at Oceanside Fitness. She was taking classes to become a physical therapist. Working part-time for me while Harper was in Seattle had put a lot of stress on her. I thanked her and Leesa, who backed her up.

  Dad arrived just after noon. He looked good. Better than he had at any time that I could remember since we’d lost Mom.

  “You ready?” he asked.

  “I am.” I reached for my purse and my overnight bag and headed to the car.

  I looked longingly at the ocean. “Would you give me a minute?” I asked my father.

  “Sure. No problem.”

  I walked over to the beach, removed my shoes, and dug my feet into the cool October sand. Walking along the beach had always had the power to help me clear my mind and soothe my soul. Breathing in the briny scent of the wind, I held it in my lungs, comforted by the familiar smell and taste of it. A wave crashed against the shore, wiping out my footprints. The ebb and flow of change, of letting go, of moving forward and seeing everything wiped away like that single wave beating against the sand.

  Knowing Dad was waiting for me, I stayed only long enough to find my center before I brushed the sand from my feet and slipped on my shoes. I hurried back to Dad, who stood waiting by the car.

  My stay in town was brief but telling. So telling, especially when it came to my relationship with Sean. With my heart in my throat, I wondered how much longer I would be able to hold myself together.

  CHAPTER 26

  Willa

  On the long drive back to Seattle, Dad was in a talkative mood. He had nearly two months’ sobriety and was feeling good about himself.

  Being that I had been the one to look after Dad when our mother died, I was afraid what might happen when he saw Harper. He’d seen her only one time since she’d been admitted, and that was for Lucas and Chantelle’s wedding. Harper had declined since then, and I didn’t want it to shock him.

  I thought to prepare him, but couldn’t get a word in, as he talked nearly nonstop, filling me in on his life. I’d never known my father to be chatty or this open. Despite my heavy heart, I enjoyed seeing him this way. His chatter helped me keep my mind off Sean, Bean There, and what we faced with Harper.

  “I’ve been eating better, too,” he said, “healthy stuff. Harper told me about this drink she concocted with all those seeds and germs and spinach. Sounded dreadful. Told her if she added beer I might be interested.” He laughed at his own joke. “Tried it without the beer and it isn’t half bad. Even ate nonfat Greek yogurt and a salad for lunch last week.”

  “Good for you, Dad.”

  “I’ve been getting extra hours at the casino, too.”

  I was pleased to see him taking an interest in his well-being.

  “I’m putting a little money aside, so if you ever need help, you let me know.”

  “I’ll do that.” As tempting as it was, I wouldn’t take his money to keep Bean There open. Whatever my father had managed to accumulate probably wouldn’t be enough to keep me solvent for longer than a week or two. I didn’t want to make my problems his. This was my business, and its success or failure was on my shoulders and no one else’s.

  As we drew closer to Seattle and got tangled up in the heavy flow of traffic, dread settled over me. I hadn’t realized how depressed I’d become until we neared the hospital. With everything in me, I wanted to remain outside; breathe in the fresh air, look at the sky, forget that my sister was inside, battling for her life.

  Dad found a good parking spot and we walked together, side by side, toward the bank of elevators. My steps were sluggish, but if Dad noticed, he didn’t comment.

  “Dad,” I said, stopping him just before he pushed the button to call for the elevator. “I need to warn you…Harper is very sick.”

  His eyes dimmed and he reached for my hand, taking it in his own and squeezing. “I know. Lucas has been giving me regular updates.”

  That was all well and good, but hearing and seeing were two entirely different things.

  “Don’t worry about me,” he said, giving my hand another squeeze. “I’m stronger than I look.”

  I hoped he
was right. It wasn’t like I could keep him away, not that I would want that. Protecting him as I had in the past had done more harm than good. As Harper had so often told me: I was such a mother.

  Before we entered the hospital, I texted John and told him we were on our way to Harper’s room. He met us in the hallway outside her room, his expression revealing nothing about what had transpired in the time I’d been away.

  I asked Dad if he remembered John.

  “Of course,” Dad replied. “You’re the handsome doctor who escorted Harper down the aisle at the wedding.” He offered his hand. “Good to see you again, Doctor.”

  “You, too.” They exchanged handshakes.

  “You ready, Dad?” I wrapped my arm around his elbow, unsure who would need the support more: him or me.

  “Ready,” he said.

  I pushed open the door to find my sister curled up on her side. Apparently, she no longer needed the oxygen mask, because it was gone. I looked upon this as a good sign. When she saw it was me and Dad, she smiled. How pale she looked. So sick and so determined to be brave.

  “Baby girl,” Dad said, as he pulled the chair up alongside her bed.

  Harper extended her arm to him and Dad gripped hold of her hand, raising it to his lips and kissing her fingers. For a long time, he said nothing. Then he pressed his forehead against her hand. When he straightened, he looked to me.

  “I’m grateful you’re here, Willa. I have something to say and you both need to hear it.”

  “Of course, Dad.”

  “You know how deeply I loved your mother.” His eyes filled with tears, which he managed to hold at bay.

  Seeing how he grieved, we knew Mom had been his soulmate. He’d floundered badly without her.

  “We met when I was in the Army, stationed at Fort Lewis, and she worked as a waitress at Denny’s, putting aside her tip money to take college classes. The minute I saw her it was like I got struck by lightning. Knew right then this was the girl I’d marry.”

  He stopped, rubbed the side of his face, and chuckled. “Thing was, it took some time to convince her we were meant to be together. She was determined to graduate college and teach English. Oh my, how that woman loved to read. She could rip through a book in a day, swallowing up all them words like it was nothing.”