Trusting Tanner (The Collins Brothers)

by Lexi Lawton

  “What the fuck?” She glared at him.

  “You won’t talk to me any other way.”

  “So you resort to kidnapping?”

  The corner of his mouth twitched up into a smile he tried, and failed, to stop from fully forming. He loved this feisty, take-no-shit side of her. Letting his bag fall to the floor, he slipped his hand along the side of her neck and pulled her to him, barely stopping himself from kissing her. Their lips were so close, though, he could almost taste her.

  “Tanner.” Her voice was pleading yet full of sadness.

  “I miss you.” He sighed. “I’m dying without you.”

  “Stop.” She shoved at his chest and took a step back, putting as much distance between them as she could in the small closet.

  He dragged a hand through his hair and licked his lips. He wanted nothing more than to kiss her, to feel her in his arms. He took a deep breath, then blew it out slowly.

  “You can’t do this.” Her voice trembled, and she once again crossed her arms over her chest as if it would somehow protect her. “I know that look, and it’s not fair.”

  “I know.” He wanted to apologize, but he couldn’t. It would be like apologizing for falling in love with her, and that was something he’d never do.

  “Can I go now?”

  She attempted to reach around him for the doorknob, but he blocked her. He couldn’t let her walk out. Not yet.

  “Jules, please. I need—”

  “You need? I don’t give a shit about what you need!” Her eyes blazed with anger.

  He flinched.

  “Do you think this is easy for me? I can’t even use my own damn furniture anymore because it reminds me too much of you. Every single time I have to sit in a class with you, all I can think about is what we had. And then all I can think is how it meant so little to you, how you could so easily throw it away for a single night with her.”

  “Don’t you dare stand there and tell me what we had meant nothing to me. That’s not fair.”

  “Life isn’t fair.” She poked him in the chest. “You made your choice when you climbed into bed with her. I’ve already paid for it with a broken heart. Isn’t that enough?” She shoved him away, opened the door, and rushed out.

  He kicked at the door and let out a frustrated scream. Several students passing by gave him a funny look, but he ignored them. It was hard to care about anything when his heart was shattered into a million pieces, the sharp, jagged shards cutting him deeper, extending and prolonging his agony. Would it ever stop hurting?

  He grabbed his bag from the floor and headed to class. He briefly considered skipping, but then he wouldn’t be able to see Juliana. Not that she’d look at him or talk to him, but at least he could see her. Sometimes, just being near her helped calm him. He prayed this class would be one of those times, because he was seconds away from having a nervous breakdown.

  …

  Another week passed and it was more of the same. Juliana only spoke to him when she absolutely had to, which was during labs. He still wasn’t sleeping worth a shit, unless he got drunk enough to pass out, which he’d done a couple of times simply because the exhaustion was too much. He’d stopped socializing with everyone except Jason. He was slowly imploding, and he didn’t know how to stop it. Well, he had an idea, and it would either save him or fully destroy him.

  He wiped his sweaty palm on his jeans then knocked on the door. His heart was in his throat as he mentally tried to prepare himself for the fact she might slam the door in his face. Showing up at her apartment like this, uninvited, probably wasn’t the smartest thing he could’ve done, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

  The door opened, and Juliana stood there in the same gray yoga pants she’d worn so many times before. Her face was makeup free, and her hair was in a messy pile atop her head. God, she was beautiful as ever.

  “Tanner? What’re you doing here?” she asked.

  He held out the dozen roses he’d bought on his way over. “I was hoping we could talk.”

  She hesitantly took the flowers and sniffed them, but she didn’t make a move to invite him in.

  “I feel like there’s a lot both of us still need to say but haven’t.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “And, well, I was thinking, if we got everything out in the open, we might be able to move on. Hopefully as friends.” Even though he wanted so much more than her friendship, he’d take whatever he could get. And last time, being her friend and not pushing her had worked to his advantage. Maybe it would this time, too.

  Her eyes widened a fraction of an inch and something sparked in her gaze. She hesitated a moment longer then stepped aside. “Come in.”

  Relief swept over him as he stepped into her apartment.

  “Thanks for the flowers.” She carried them to the kitchen and set them on the counter while she filled a vase with water. “They’re gorgeous.”

  “They’re rotting weeds compared to you,” he said, a wistful smile settling on his face.

  Juliana’s shoulders slumped, and she leaned against the counter for support, unmoving. She stayed that way for a few moments before putting the flowers in the vase. “What is it you wanted to say?”

  He swallowed hard. Where did he even begin? He walked into the kitchen and cautiously approached her. “I wanted to apologize. Again.”

  “You didn’t need to bring me flowers and come all the way over here to say you were sorry. I know you are.” She turned to face him. “But being sorry doesn’t change anything.” She pushed away from the counter and walked into the living room.

  “I know it doesn’t.” He followed her. “And I don’t expect your forgiveness.” It would be nice, but he knew better than to ask for it. “I know it’s asking a lot, but I would like us to try to be friends.”

  She shook her head, her bottom lip tucked between her teeth.

  He stood in front of her, and she let her head fall to his chest, her arms wrapped tightly around his waist. The act was so unexpected, he just stood there, unsure what to do or say. But then he put his arms around her and rested his cheek on top of her head. He closed his eyes, wanting this moment to last forever.

  “I don’t know if we can be friends. Too much has happened,” she whispered.

  “Look at me,” he said softly.

  She shook her head.

  “Jules, baby, look at me.” He put his fingers under her chin and tilted her head up. “I’ve never fucked up this bad in my life, and I don’t know how to fix it.” Speaking the truth aloud to her was oddly freeing. He lowered his mouth, caressing her lips with his.

  “Tanner.” She cupped the back of his neck and brought his mouth to hers again. He flattened his hands on her lower back and pulled her close. She moaned. The ache in his chest tightened, squeezing the breath from his lungs, and he gasped against her lips. The hole in his heart deepened, leaving him empty, devoid of everything but utter loneliness.

  If that kiss told him anything, it was that she still had feelings for him. “I’m so sorry. Please tell me what to do. Tell me how to make this right.”

  “You can’t.”

  Reality was like a sharp stick in the eye. “You don’t mean that. There’s got to be something I can do.” Tears burned his throat.

  She collapsed on the couch and held her head in her hands. “I deserve better than this, Tanner. I deserve a man who’s going to make me the most important person in his life.”

  Oh God. He knew where she was going with this. “Jules…” He crouched in front of her. “Please don’t do this.” It was like a freight train barreling toward him while his foot was caught in the tracks, making it impossible to save himself. He took her hand and held it over his heart. “You’re right. You do deserve so much better than this, but I can’t imagine my life without you. Please, give me another chance. I’ll spend every day for the rest of my life showing you how sorry I am.”

  “I have spent my entire life waiting, hoping, begging people to love me. To want me. I never
thought I’d have to do that with you, too.” Her lips trembled, and tears pooled in her eyes.

  “You don’t,” he said. She tried to pull her hands from his chest, but he held firmly. She was finally talking to him, and he wasn’t going to let her stop now. “I have always loved you. Even when you thought we were nothing more than friends, I loved you. You have never had to beg for my love, and you don’t now, either. I’m right here, giving you my heart and soul.”

  She inhaled sharply, the sound like an angry hiss. “I’m sorry, Tanner.” She slipped her hands from beneath his and headed for the door.

  He reached for her again.

  “Don’t. Please. Don’t make this any harder than it is. Just go.”

  “Please, baby, give me a chance to make this right.” He shook his head, and fear clutched every part of him. “Tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.”

  “No.” Her whole body trembled, almost like she was shivering, but he knew better.

  “I messed up, and I will live with this mistake for the rest of my life.” He took her face into his hands and gazed into her eyes. “I love you, Juliana Shea. I have never been so sure of anything in my life.”

  She averted her gaze and blinked rapidly. He caressed her cheeks with his thumbs, wiping away her tears. She shifted on her feet, edging closer to him.

  “Please say something,” he whispered.

  “I told you things no one else knows.” She slowly returned her gaze to his.

  “I know.” He squeezed her hands and tugged her closer.

  “But you don’t. Not really.” She frowned. “My entire life I was made to feel like I wasn’t worthy of love, that I was a problem, something easily thrown away.” More tears streamed down her cheeks. “If I didn’t fit in, if I wasn’t good enough, if something better came along, I was sent away.” She sniffled. “But then I met you, and you made me feel safe and loved. You made me want to believe the world and everyone in it wasn’t cold and uncaring. I trusted you, Tanner.”

  His face was no longer dry, either. There was so much pain in her voice, her words raw and gut-wrenching. “All of that is still true. I’ve never stopped loving you.” He licked his lips. “You can trust me.”

  “But I don’t. Not anymore.” She clutched his wrists and removed his hands from her face. “We had one argument, and yeah, in hindsight it was stupid, but it doesn’t change the facts. You tossed me away when things got a little hard. You turned your back on me like everyone else in my life.”

  “No,” he said firmly, shaking his head. “That is not what I did. I would never toss you away.” God, he couldn’t believe she’d even think that.

  She wiped her face. “I can’t let you back in, because if I do and you cheat again, I won’t survive it.”

  “Jules…”

  “I need you to leave now. Please go.”

  He closed his eyes. “If this is what you want, then I’ll go.” He stepped up to her and took hold of her waist, his touch firm but hesitant at the same time. “But I need you to know when I walk out of this apartment, it’ll be the single biggest regret of my life.” Then he lowered his head and kissed her softly on the lips. “I love you, and I’m not giving up on us.” He opened the door and walked out.

  He’d meant that, too. He wasn’t giving up, and he had one final Hail Mary. Pulling out his cell phone, he called Xander.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Juliana stood in the living room of her apartment and looked around at the furnishings. Every single time she sat on the couch, she could feel Tanner’s arms around her, hear his voice whispering in her ear. The scent of his cologne still lingered in her bed, making it impossible for her to sleep there.

  The day they’d gone shopping together was seared into her mind. Foolishly, she’d thought they were buying stuff for an apartment—and life—they’d eventually share. How naïve.

  As much as she hated the idea, she was going to have to dip into her trust fund again so she could buy some furniture that didn’t have Tanner’s stamp of approval. Not an entirely new set, but a new piece or two she could sit on without being bombarded with his memory. She sighed and went to the refrigerator, which was a waste of time because she hadn’t been to the grocery store yet. Then again, she really hadn’t been eating much lately.

  There was a knock on the door followed by Devon’s voice, pitched to sound like a girl. “Yoo-hoo! Pizza delivery.”

  She rushed toward the door and yanked it open. Her stomach growled, and she wanted to kiss him she was so happy. That was the thing about living off campus—all the normal sounds of life in the res hall were gone, and things were much too quiet. “Hey.” She grabbed the pizza box from him and carried it to the kitchen.

  “I brought beer, too.” He held up the twelve-pack and grinned. “Oh, and these two.”

  She turned to see Lucas and Mariah walking in behind him. “Hey guys! Actually, I’m glad you’re here, Lucas. I need to go get some furniture tomorrow. Can I borrow you and your truck?”

  “I have class until three, but after that, me and my truck are all yours.” Lucas walked behind her, bumped her with his hip, and then grabbed a slice of pizza from the box.

  “Didn’t you just buy all this furniture?” Devon popped the top on a beer and took a drink. Then he froze, his eyes wide as realization set in. “Oh. You mean you need different furniture.”

  She nodded, not wanting to delve into all the heartbreaking details in front of Lucas and Mariah. Although she was pretty sure they already knew.

  Devon walked over and flung his arm around her shoulders, planting a sloppy kiss on her cheek. “You want me to tag along tomorrow?”

  “You can if you want. So, what’s the plan tonight?” she asked.

  “A bad horror movie marathon.” Mariah held up a stack of DVDs and grinned.

  “Fantastic!” A quiet night watching movies and drinking a few beers with friends was exactly what she needed. Every day for the past two weeks, she’d moped around, heartbroken and angry. The only relief from her pain came when she was with Devon and any of his frat brothers he chose to drag along, but their time together was fleeting at best with their conflicting schedules. And she certainly didn’t want to hang out on campus, where she might run into Tanner. Every single time she laid eyes on him, it felt like her heart was breaking all over again. Rebecca seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth, and Juliana was more than okay with that.

  She plopped down on the couch between Devon and Mariah while Lucas moved one of the kitchen chairs into the living room. “Thanks for coming over tonight.”

  “Anytime.” Devon winked.

  “I can’t believe Thanksgiving is only weeks away.” Mariah shook her head. “This semester is going so fast.”

  “She’s just nervous because she’s taking me home to meet her family.” Lucas laughed. “She thinks I’m going to embarrass her.”

  “I do not.” Mariah reached over and smacked his arm. “I’m more worried about how my family is going to act.”

  Jules watched them with a smile. If things had gone differently, she’d be going home with Tanner for Thanksgiving. Nope, not gonna think about that. “Meeting the family is a big step.” She was surprised they hadn’t done this already, considering they’d been dating forever. Or so it seemed to her.

  “What about you two? You guys got any big plans for the holiday?” Mariah asked.

  “Not really.” Jules stood. “Anyone want something to drink? Popcorn?”

  “I’m headed home,” Devon said.

  She shot him a warning look to drop it, but he smirked.

  “I’m trying to convince Jules to go home with me, but she keeps refusing.”

  Mariah and Lucas shared a look, the same look she’d seen too many times. The “oh my God, you and Devon are hooking up” look. She could only imagine what they must be thinking. That she dumped Tanner and went running into Devon’s arms. She scowled.

  “How many times do I have to tell you no before you stop asking
?” She went to the kitchen and grabbed a Pepsi.

  “I’ll stop asking when you say yes,” he shot back.

  Her stomach clenched. He sounded too much like Tanner right then.

  “Seriously, my sister thinks I made you up, like you’re my imaginary friend or some shit,” Devon said.

  Lucas laughed, which only encouraged Devon’s behavior.

  “My reasons for asking you to come home with me are strictly selfish. I need to prove my sister wrong.”

  He was such a liar. Jules popped open the can of soda and took a long drink. Then she set it on the counter and busied herself with making popcorn for everyone. Thankfully, the talk of holidays and families died out, and they’d moved on to making fun of the movie’s cheesy dialogue.

  Long after the movies ended and Lucas and Mariah had left, Devon and Juliana lounged on her couch in comfortable silence. But she knew it wouldn’t last. There was a reason he’d remained behind, and it wasn’t because he enjoyed hanging out in her apartment watching a ridiculous infomercial.

  “Have you talked to Tanner recently?” he asked.

  And there it was. “No.” She swiped the remote from the coffee table and started flipping through the channels.

  “Are you going to?”

  “Nope.” She shook her head. “There’s nothing left to say.”

  Devon sighed. “You seem to be taking this breakup better than you did with Zach.”

  If he only knew how wrong he was. She wasn’t taking it better; she’d simply learned how to hide it better. But she wasn’t doing well. At all. She was a hot fucking mess, and each day she spiraled a little more. And the late nights were the hardest.

  “Well.” He patted her knee then stood. “If you’ve got it all figured out…”

  “He cheated on me, Dev. What else am I supposed to do?” She tossed the remote on the couch and stood, crossing her arms. “I don’t want to be without him, but I don’t want to be with him, either, not if he’s going to be sleeping around with other women.”

  Devon pulled her into a hug. “I know.” With a friendly kiss to the top of her head, he said good-bye and left.