Trusting Tanner (The Collins Brothers)

by Lexi Lawton

  He got to his feet and hung his head. He shoved his hands in his pockets and refused to look at her.

  “I can’t stand knowing she was in your arms last night. Christ, I can’t even fucking look at you right now without seeing those pictures of you two.” If she could’ve found something to throw at him, she would have. “And to make it worse, you keep saying you don’t remember what happened.” She huffed. “At least be man enough to admit you messed up. Hell, even Zach had the balls to look me in the face and tell me he’d been screwing around.”

  “That’s not fair.” He slowly lifted his head. His eyes were red, his face tearstained. “I’m not lying to you. I don’t fucking remember.” He approached her, and she stiffened, meeting his gaze head on, refusing to back down, refusing to let him hurt her any more than he already had. “And I’m not Zach.” The muscle in his jaw pulsed. “You’ve done nothing but compare me to him. It’s getting old.”

  She momentarily closed her eyes, fighting back another round of tears.

  “Stop making me pay for his mistakes,” he said. “I’m not him.”

  “You’re right. You’re not him.” She shook her head. “You’re worse than him.” Juliana walked to the door and opened it. She’d resorted to saying things that were downright mean just to hurt him, and she didn’t want to do that. “He at least respected me enough to be honest, which is more than I can say for you. And for the record, this”—she waved her hand between them—“is you paying for your mistakes.”

  “Jules, please. You have to believe me. I didn’t do anything.”

  He moved closer, and she stepped back, opening the door even wider. They were locked in a silent battle of wills. Her wanting him to stay, to find a way to believe him, while at the same time wanting him to leave her alone so she could try to mend her broken heart and work on accepting the fact that he’d lied. His dark, sad eyes pleaded with her, begged her to understand. Her grip on the door handle tightened even more, making her knuckles turn white.

  He closed the distance between them and gently caressed her cheek. “I’m so sorry I’m not the man you deserve.”

  “Tanner…” Her voice gave out, and her lips trembled. Even after the horrible things she’d said to him, he was still as sweet as ever. An entirely new wave of soul-searing pain crashed over her.

  Fresh tears pooled in his eyes as he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. But all she could feel was the pain, the salty taste of their tears the last memory she’d have of his kiss. When he moved away, she let out a strangled gasp.

  He ran this thumb over her bottom lip. “All I want is for you to be happy.”

  “I was.” She sniffled and shook her head.

  His eyes fluttered closed as if she were the one breaking his heart. She placed her trembling hand on his chest, and his eyes snapped open, blazing with that familiar burning desire. He grabbed the door and closed it.

  “Fuck,” he muttered, stepping closer to her. “I can’t do this, Juliana.” He shook his head. “I can’t walk out of here knowing you’re hurting like this.”

  “It’s over, Tanner,” she blurted, knowing she’d never have the courage to say those words any other way. “We’re over.” Once again, she opened the door. This time, she pushed him out of her apartment. Then she swung the door closed in his face.

  She went to her room, settled down in bed, and yanked the covers up over her head, intent on staying there for as long as she could.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Juliana stayed locked up in her apartment all weekend, ignoring every call and text message, only getting out of bed long enough to use the bathroom. Early Sunday morning, she’d texted Devon to let him know she still wasn’t feeling well and was quarantining herself. It wasn’t a total lie. She felt like shit. But by Monday afternoon, he wasn’t buying it. Grumbling, she answered her phone. “What?”

  “You’d better be dead or being held captive by the CDC.” There was no humor in Devon’s tone. “You’ve been ignoring me all weekend and haven’t been on campus at all this morning. What the hell is going on?”

  Juliana groaned. She hadn’t told him about Tanner, and she didn’t want to. Mostly because she didn’t want to relive the pain any more than she already was, but also because she knew how Devon would react.

  “Seriously, do you need to go to the hospital or something?” His words were heavy with concern.

  She sat up. “No. I…overslept.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “I’m fine. I promise. In fact, I’m getting ready to go to my next class.” She flung the covers off and got out of bed. There was thirty minutes until her next class, which would give her barely enough time for a quick shower.

  After a moment’s hesitation, he said, “I’m heading back to the house. Come over as soon as you’re out of class. We need to talk.” He ended the call before she could respond.

  Devon wasn’t stupid. He knew something was up, and if he’d run into Tanner at all… A dull ache throbbed in her temples. She couldn’t avoid the world forever. After calling for a cab, she gathered some clean clothes and rushed through a shower. Forgoing any makeup, she pulled her hair into a ponytail and slipped on her favorite sandals then snatched her backpack.

  Juliana stepped out of her apartment right as the cab pulled up. She was in no mood to take the bus and be around a bunch of people. Her eyes were still bloodshot and swollen from all the tears she’d shed, and her sunglasses did nothing to mask the sun’s stinging burn. Now, the increasing pressure in her temples made even the slightest movement painful.

  She climbed into the backseat and gave the driver instructions to take her to campus. Then she rested her head on the window and closed her eyes. Before she knew it, the cab was pulling up in front of the administrative building. She paid the guy, thanked him, then got out. Her throat burned with rawness, and she choked back the urge to dry heave right there on the ground.

  Swallowing hard, she forced herself to put one foot in front of the other and head toward her class—a class she had with Tanner—mentally chastising herself for not telling Devon the truth. He would’ve picked her up and given her all the moral support she’d need. If this whole situation had taught her anything, it was that there were only two people in the world she could count on—herself and Devon. She took a deep breath and headed across campus.

  Halfway to class, she changed her mind and went to the frat house instead, banking on the fact Devon did as he said and went home. Before she could walk in, the door swung open and she came face-to-face with Tanner.

  Shit. Why isn’t he in class?

  She hesitated, considered turning and running. “Um,” she cleared her throat, “is Devon here?” Every fiber of her being wanted to go to Tanner, to put her arms around him and kiss him. Physical and emotional exhaustion weighed on her.

  His eyes narrowed, and he scowled. “You’re here for Devon.”

  “Well, I’m sure as hell not here for you.” She winced as the words left her mouth. “Is he here or not?”

  “I really wish you’d talk to me, Jules.” He crossed his arms over his chest and continued to block the doorway.

  He kept saying that, but what was there left to talk about? She pursed her lips. “I have nothing to say to you, and I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.”

  Tanner’s jaw clenched, and the vein in his neck throbbed. She was being unnecessarily mean, but the only way she’d survive this breakup was to stay angry.

  “You weren’t in any classes this morning,” he said.

  “Nope. Probably won’t be tomorrow, either.” She needed to go see her academic advisor and try to get her class schedule changed. There was no way she was going to suffer through an entire semester of classes with Tanner. “Please let me in to see Devon.” Her resolve was wavering, and she couldn’t stand here with Tanner a second longer.

  “Jules?”

  She turned around. “Devon.” She sighed, thankful to see him. “I was looking for yo
u.”

  “Well, here I am.” He frowned when he saw Tanner standing in the doorway. “Everything all right?”

  “Yeah, it’s fine. Can we go up to your room?” She was quickly losing the battle with her tears, and she absolutely refused to cry in front of Tanner again.

  “Of course.”

  Finally, Tanner stepped aside, but not before giving Devon a dirty look. That alone was enough to upset her even more, but it was the look he gave her that made her knees weak. His gorgeous eyes were so sad and longing. She wanted to throw herself into his arms, to feel his lips on hers once more.

  Devon grabbed her hand, yanking her from her thoughts, and dragged her upstairs. Once they were in his room and he closed the door he said, “What’s going on?”

  Juliana broke down in sobs and told him everything. He pulled her onto the bed and held her as she spilled her guts about Tanner and Rebecca. He never once interrupted or judged. He simply held her and listened. It was exactly what she needed—a shoulder to cry on that didn’t belong to the guy who broke her heart.

  When she was finished, they were both silent for several moments. She was certain she’d shed every tear she had, which made her feel a little better. Not much, but she no longer had the gaping hole in her chest she’d had moments ago.

  Devon put his cheek on top of her head. “I’m sorry, Jules.”

  “What do you have to be sorry about?” She sniffled.

  “I pushed you to get back out there and start dating again. If I had just stayed out of it, maybe none of this would’ve happened.”

  “This isn’t your fault. It’s his and Rebecca’s. Besides, you know me well enough to know I don’t do anything I don’t want to do. I liked Tanner. It would’ve happened with or without you pushing me.”

  He sighed. “Maybe.”

  “I don’t understand. I mean, why did he cheat with her?” She shook her head, letting her tears soak her face.

  “It doesn’t matter who he cheated with. It never should’ve fucking happened.” Devon stood, grabbed a box of tissues, and handed it to her.

  “Thanks.” She fidgeted with the tissue box, keeping her head down. “I just think it would hurt less if it had been with someone else. Someone I didn’t know and hate.” Her voice hitched on a sob.

  “You don’t believe that, do you?” Devon sat beside her again.

  She shrugged and wiped her nose, letting the tears fall.

  “Hey.” Devon put his arm around her.

  She rested her head on his shoulder and cried. “Why does this keep happening to me? First Zach and now Tanner. Why am I not good enough? What’s wrong with me?”

  “Stop it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.” He took her face into his hands, his no-nonsense look firmly in place. “You are good enough, Jules. You are the best person I know. And Tanner had better get on his knees and thank fucking God he had you in his life. And then he’d better start praying for forgiveness for what he’s done to you.”

  Her lips trembled uncontrollably, and all she could do was nod in response.

  “It’s bad enough he broke your heart, but he will not make you question your self-worth. I won’t let him.” He stood and headed for the door.

  “What’re you doing?”

  “I told you. He hurts you, I kill him.” He left the room.

  She jumped off the bed and chased after him. Her heart raced as she stumbled down the stairs, but she wasn’t fast enough. By the time she reached the bottom step, Devon was throwing the first punch. His fist landed squarely on Tanner’s jaw.

  “You goddamned asshole!” He threw another punch, this one connecting with Tanner’s cheek. “What the fuck gives you the right to hurt her like you did?”

  “Devon!” She lunged for him, but not before he got in another jab.

  “Stay the fuck out of this, Devon.” Tanner’s voice was cold, and his body was tense. She could see the muscles in his biceps straining under the sleeves of his T-shirt. His lip bled, but he didn’t seem to notice. Or if he did, he simply didn’t care.

  “Make me!” Devon moved toward Tanner again.

  Tanner put up his fists, but not quickly enough. Devon punched him so hard it made her wince with pain. Oh God. This wasn’t happening.

  “No!” Juliana screamed, her carefully constructed composure cracking and dissolving. She was grateful for Devon’s concern, but he was taking it too far. She wedged herself between them and shoved Devon away from Tanner. “Stop it.”

  Devon glanced at her, anger radiating from him. “He’s not going to get away with this.”

  “He already has,” she whispered sadly. “Now please, stop it. Go outside and walk it off. I’ll be out in a second, okay?”

  He nodded and leaned around her to point at Tanner. “You’re a fucking coward, Collins. You never deserved her,” he said, pointing his finger in her direction. Then he stormed out of the house, slamming the door hard enough to make her heart jump in her chest.

  Without a word, she went into the kitchen and got a wet cloth. She returned to the living room to find Tanner on the couch, head back, eyes closed. She sat next to him and gently dabbed the corner of his mouth with the cloth. No matter what he did or how much he’d hurt her, he didn’t deserve to be beat up. She was thankful it was the middle of the school day and the house was empty, because if any of the other brothers had been here, things would’ve been a lot worse.

  “You didn’t even try to fight back.” Her tone was clipped and angry. She pressed against his cut lip harder than necessary.

  “Ow.” He winced and jerked away from her. Tanner took the cloth and tossed it on the coffee table. “Why would I?”

  Her eyes widened. “Why wouldn’t you? Normal people try to defend themselves when they’re attacked.”

  He shook his head. “Everything he said was true. I’m a royal fucking dick for what I did to you. I deserve to have my ass beat.”

  “I hope you’re not waiting for me to disagree with you.” She momentarily closed her eyes, fighting back the simultaneous surge of tears and nausea. Being mean to him wasn’t going to make this any easier. Even when he was being attacked, he was still trying to be noble. “No one deserves to be hit like that.” She grabbed the cloth and wiped the fresh blood from his mouth. “You should put ice on this before it starts to swell.”

  “Dammit, Jules.” He gently pushed her hand away. “I don’t deserve your kindness.”

  “You’re right. You don’t.” She dropped the cloth and stood. He obviously didn’t want it, either. “But if you think for one second I’m going to let what you did to me ruin the person I am, then you’re not the guy I thought you were.” With a disgusted shake of her head, she turned to leave.

  Tanner grabbed her wrist, stopping her. He stood, bringing his body much too close to hers. She held her breath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.” He dragged his hand from her wrist, easily entwining their fingers as if it were the most natural thing in the world. His thumb grazed over her knuckles. “You’re a good person, even to people like me who don’t deserve it.”

  She slipped her hand from his and flexed her fingers. Her entire arm tingled from his touch. “You’re not a bad person. I don’t think you went into this relationship planning to cheat on me. Doesn’t make it right, but I don’t for a second think your intentions were malicious.” As hard as that was to admit, it was the truth. While the circumstance might be similar, Tanner was not like Zach in this regard.

  “Don’t do that.” His words were crisp, angry, and his eyes were narrowed.

  “Don’t do what?”

  “Make excuses for me. I hurt you. I broke your heart. You should hate me.”

  “No.” She balled her hands into fists at her sides and shook her head. “You don’t get to tell me how I should or shouldn’t feel about you.”

  “I’m sorry.” He hung his head and frowned.

  “Me, too.” Utter defeat filled her. She left the house, needing to get away from him befo
re she broke down and did something stupid—like try to kiss him. Or decide to go hunt down Rebecca and bitch-slap her.

  “I was headed back in there to get you,” Devon said.

  “I had to get a few things off my chest.” Too bad speaking her mind didn’t make her feel any better.

  “Sorry I flipped out.” He looked down at the ground, and she actually believed he was sorry.

  “I know how you feel about what Tanner did, and I know you care about me, but don’t ever do anything like that again.”

  “Fair enough.”

  “So, got any plans for the rest of the day? I need a distraction.”

  Devon’s eyes lit up. “You should know by now I’m the best distraction on this campus.” He put his arm around her shoulders and led her toward his car.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  It had been a full week since Tanner had lost Juliana. Seven long days he’d been without her, each one dragging on, becoming harder than the last. How the hell was he supposed to survive this? There was a gaping hole in his chest, and no matter what he did, the pain wouldn’t go away. He hadn’t been sleeping much, either. Years ago he’d heard his mother say she could never sleep well when his father wasn’t in bed with her, and he’d never fully understood what that meant. Until now. He’d realized very quickly he couldn’t sleep worth a shit without Jules curled up next to him. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. How could one person cause him so much joy and pain at the same time?

  He wandered into the building for his next class. He needed to find a way to get Juliana to talk to him so he could try to smooth things out between them. Even though she’d made it clear they were over, he needed to do something to ease her pain. Heck, he needed to do something to ease his pain. He turned to see her walking toward him. His heart hammered so hard he was afraid he’d break a rib. Closing the distance between them, he gently but firmly took hold of her elbow and guided her into the janitor’s closet. He closed the door and stood with his back against it.