All He'll Ever Be

by W Winters

  “Where are the monitors?” I don’t hide the anger in my tone the second the door is ripped open wide, Jase beside me, his footsteps barely keeping up with mine.

  Before I can even scream at whoever’s in here to get me the fucking tapes, I nearly trip over something on the floor. Stumbling forward, I barely catch myself. Eli. Fuck!

  My throat closes and a sickness shoots through me. I can’t help but reach to his throat and press my fingers against his icy skin. Even though he’s cold, I still hope for a pulse. One second passes, and it hurts. Another second with nothing, and I can’t fucking stand the cost of waging war. A war I choose to fight. All for her.

  He’s gone.

  His eyes are closed and his blood is pooled around him. Jase has to step in a bit of blood to get around me and the bright red is smeared across the floor. We share a look as a few of our men come in behind us.

  “Get him home.” I give the command evenly, not revealing a shred of the emotions I’m feeling.

  Control.

  Eli dying is a reminder that I need control now more than anything. He will be missed and he will be mourned, but even he would tell me to focus on revenge right now.

  “She’s outside,” Jase says and at first I don’t understand what he’s talking about until I turn to look over my shoulder. With the wind sweeping her locks off her shoulders and showing more of her skin, Aria glances at me.

  She’s here. She’s safe. Relief is all-consuming for the briefest of moments.

  I have her.

  Those beautiful hazel-green eyes of hers swirl with a mix of pain and regret. Not the relief I’ve been envisioning since I was told she was gone.

  “She’s here.” The words leave me without consent, buried under my breath as I slowly stand.

  “Carter.” Daniel’s voice carries across the hall as I make my way to them. He steps in front of her, but I still see her face, not daring to break her gaze as my pace picks up.

  “Where were you?” I’m only half aware of how hard my voice comes out and that it echoes in the hall. My heart thuds painfully in my chest as I brush Daniel aside to get to her, gripping Aria by her shoulder to pull her inside and slam the door closed.

  Her feet don’t move fast enough, but I couldn’t care less. What the fuck is she thinking? Having the door open is welcoming danger.

  “What the fuck were you thinking?” I say, and the words come out with a vengeance. Hating that she’d put herself in danger and be so fucking stupid.

  “Get off,” she says as she pushes me away. In front of everyone, she looks back at me wild eyed and as if I’m the enemy. Like I’m the one who’s to blame for every ounce of turmoil that wreaks havoc inside of me.

  A numbness flows through me as I regard her, all while she regards everyone else.

  She wraps her arms around her shoulders and glances at my men behind me. It’s then that I see what’s captured her attention. The blood. It’s everywhere. Soaked into the knees of their pants where they crouched on the floor and waited for more men to kill. Splattered on their shirts. My gaze falls to my own hands, stained with the blood of her family.

  “I wasn’t running…” Aria barely gets the words out before she stops and audibly swallows.

  She doesn’t run to me. She doesn’t try to hold me. She glances at Eli and then pales.

  As I look to my brother, the men behind me, and then to Addison slowly climbing down the stairs, the reality hits me.

  She’s still the enemy. She’s not on my side. No matter how much I wish she were. This war will break us.

  Aria’s gaze travels the length of my suit, inventorying every bit of blood that’s sprayed and spattered across it. Blood from men I’ve just killed.

  I wish I knew what she was thinking. I wish I knew what to do.

  Wrapping her arms tighter around herself, she looks at me with the silence surrounding us, suffocating us.

  The only noise is the creaking of the stairs as Addison sneaks closer to Daniel.

  “I wasn’t running,” she repeats. It sounds as if she regrets her words.

  I don’t know whether or not to believe her, but I know the feeling that seeps into my veins. Betrayal. And it comes from the woman I love, in the heart of war, in front of my brothers and army.

  She left me once, and she’d do it again.

  I imagined when I saw her, that she would run to me. That she would cling to me the same way I wish to cling to her.

  The cold actuality is harsh and indisputable.

  She’s still a mistake – a drug I’m addicted to that’s fucking up everything I’ve worked so hard for almost my entire life. I’ve never seen it more clearly than I do now.

  If I didn’t feel all of this for her, for a woman who chooses her family over mine, it would be all too easy. But why would she ever choose my family over hers? I don’t know how I fell in love with her. It was nothing but a mistake.

  It’s in this moment I remember who I am.

  A ruthless man with plans on tearing everything away from Aria’s life, all because of who her father is and what destroying him does to her.

  This isn’t what I expected. I wanted to be her savior, her knight. But all I am is the fucking villain.

  I’m as dead inside as I ever have been. And it’s because of her. All of this bullshit is because of her. No, it’s because I wanted her so badly I was willing to wage war, consequences be damned. Eli died, because of me.

  “Whoever tried to take them knew her father was hitting us tonight.” I speak loud enough for everyone to hear and leave Aria standing where she is.

  A slow tide of agony fills my gut and rises higher until I taste bile in my throat. “I want to see the security feed, now.” Two men run off, heading for the stairwell that leads down to the basement.

  “Is the house secure?” I ask Daniel and he hesitates to answer me, his eyes narrowing as he glances between Aria and me.

  His gaze speaks a thousand words, most of them begging for me not to be the man I was forced to become, but I’m the one who had to bear that burden, not him. He has Addison.

  I have no one. Not until Aria has no one left but me. And even then…

  Finally, he nods. “It’s secure to return but it’ll take weeks to repair, or longer.”

  “All men back there,” I tell him and then look Jase and the other men in the eyes. “Fix the mess her father caused.”

  Chapter 78

  Aria

  “You okay?” Jase asks me as we stand in the foyer of the Cross estate. Everyone was silent on the ride over here. Cars escorted ours in front and back, even on the sides when the road was wide enough. The security detail was hovering close around me, but it seemed more like guarding a prisoner than protecting an ally. Every minute that passed made me feel more and more like I didn’t belong.

  It made me feel like I’d made a mistake not leaving when I could have.

  “Hey, you okay?” Jase asks me again as the men filter out of the foyer.

  “You sure you should be talking to me?” I ask him in return and his huff of a laugh soothes a small part of my broken spirit. Without a doubt, I’ve fallen for Carter, but it wasn’t until today that I realized how much I love his family too. Even while coated in the blood of my own family.

  “It’s tense, but everything will be all right.”

  “I don’t know how you can think that,” I answer him and my voice cracks. I know the men departing must hear how weak I am, and I hate it. This isn’t the woman I want to be. Clearing my throat and focusing on the one thing I can confide in Jase about, I tell him, “He’s angry with me.”

  “He was worried, Aria. We all were. We thought those men took you.” It takes me a moment to realize what he’s saying, to realize what Carter must’ve felt and guilt and insecurity weigh heavily against my chest.

  So guilty. What have I done to bear all this guilt that has seeped into my gut?

  “Besides, Carter’s always angry.” Jase tries to joke, to lighten the p
ain of what happened tonight. It doesn’t help me though. There’s nothing in this world that can help me now.

  “I thought things were different,” I whisper. But I didn’t know this would happen. Deep down I knew it was coming, although I wanted to deny it. It’s all coming to a head and I know I’m going to hate the outcome either way. There was never a thing that could have helped me. Not a damn thing that would have saved me. I’m a woman born to breed pain and misery. My last name demands it.

  “We’re still at war. A single battle was fought and men on both sides died. It’s going to cause tension.”

  “Tension,” I scoff, although it’s not meant to come out in an offensive way. It’s just that tension isn’t a strong enough word to describe the animosity and uncertainty stretching the space between us. The pure agony stifling both of us.

  “Aren’t you the one who called us the enemy?” Jase asks, reminding me of the words I told Eli only hours before his death. The memory sends a trickle of regret down my spine.

  “Is that not what we are?” I ask him back in a low breath, peering into his eyes and wishing he would tell me otherwise. Even if it is a lie.

  A beat passes, and there’s nothing but silence. I wonder vaguely if the other men can hear. Or if Carter is maybe listening. If he even cares to listen at this point. He didn’t speak a word to me in the car. He sat in the front, not in the back with me.

  Jase only nods solemnly but squeezes my hand, then adds, “Falling in love with the enemy is torture.” With a sad smile that doesn’t reach his eyes, he lets go. I’m forced to watch him leave me, walking down the foyer, his footsteps echoing in the empty hall until my gaze lands on the photograph at the very end. The black-and-white shot of a house that feels as if it’s lingered in the back of my mind. The importance of it, my thoughts long to remember.

  If I had a choice, I’d go there now, just to see why the image haunts me. It has to do with Carter, I know it does. And I need to know anything and everything that has to do with Carter.

  Our families and pride may be at war, but not my heart. My heart belongs to him. I know it with everything in me. It’s why I could never leave him, even if the option was handed to me so easily.

  But in this moment, it feels as if he’s ripped it from my chest and thrown it out in the cold, leaving it there to die. Covered in my family’s blood and ripping me from the doorway, slamming it shut and screaming at me as if I’m a fool wasn’t at all what I expected.

  Whatever point he wanted to make in front of his men, I’m sure they heard it loud and clear.

  He doesn’t love me.

  How many times have I said, “I love you,” to him and I was given nothing in return?

  A parched sensation blankets my throat, so dry it’s futile to try to swallow.

  The sound of heavy footsteps coming closer to me from the doorway at the end of the long hall, makes my body flinch with each step. They’re brutal and dominating. They belong to Carter, no doubt.

  Confirming my thought, the brooding beast enters the hall, a bottle of whiskey in his left hand and a tumbler with ice in his right. He doesn’t bother to hide how pissed he still is. Pissed at me, judging from his acrimonious glare. Again I find myself unable to swallow, but I can’t help confronting him.

  “What did I do to deserve this?” I bite out the words as he starts to walk past me, down to the hall leading to his wing and presumably his bedroom or office. “What the fuck did I do but merely exist in the painful life I didn’t choose?”

  My heart batters against my chest while I wish to either run with fear, or beat him with pent-up rage. I’m not sure which.

  Even though my own legs feel weak and numb from everything that’s happened tonight, keeping me planted where I am, Carter’s move forward as he ignores my question.

  How fucking dare he ignore me.

  With my ragged voice raised, I scream at him until my face is hot. “What did I do to deserve this?”

  It only takes three strides before Carter’s powerful presence is towering over me, and I nearly stumble backward. Nearly, but I keep my ground. I’m breathing chaotically and waiting for him to give me something. Anything is better than being ignored, made to feel like I don’t even exist.

  “Where do I start, Miss Talvery?” His voice is low as he moves down until his face is eye level with mine. He practically sneers my name and it shreds me from the inside. “You pointed a gun at me. You stand with your ex-lover and your father who have tried to kill me, not once, not twice, but every chance they get. Including the time one week ago, by said, fucking, ex, in which you knew what was happening but said nothing.” The last word is sneered. He inhales deeply, pausing as pain rips through me.

  I worry my bottom lip between my teeth before I bite down on it hard. The physical pain is vastly preferable to the emotional pain that boils inside of me at his aggressive attitude.

  Carter already knew all of that when he fucked me the other night. When he held me like he loved me. Nothing has changed for me, and I don’t deserve this. I love him. I’ve chosen him time and time again. The fact I’m still here after everything is proof of that.

  “And then you tried to run,” he adds and I whip my hand across his face. It’s purely out of instinct, generated by his arrogance and the way I feel used and defiled by him. My palm smacks hard against his chiseled cheek and my fingers follow.

  His face is like fucking stone. My hand throbs with a stinging, burning pain and as I wince, my eyes stay on Carter’s unmoving expression. It didn’t affect him in the least. All of the sickness and hurt that ache inside of me, I feel it all and he feels nothing.

  Nothing.

  “I didn’t,” I tell him, knowing I didn’t try to run. It was only a passing thought and I won’t be accused of anything more than that. Not when everything is stacked against us and I’m doing everything I can to stay by him. Even when he stands firmly against me.

  Time passes and he merely stares at me, judging me, but I let him see the pain. I want to hide myself in this lonesome tower he’s put me in, but I stand in front of him with my hands in fists by my side and beg him to feel what I feel. And to take it away.

  “I don’t deserve this, Carter,” I say and my voice is strangled. Please just take it all away. I wish he could do that for me. However it entails, I don’t want to feel this way for a second longer.

  “I thought they’d taken you,” he continues to talk with a look of disgust on his face, even though pain is etched into his words. “But you were just sneaking out to run away. What a fucking fool I was,” he sneers.

  “You are a fucking fool.” I mimic his mocking tone, refusing to give him all of me when he chooses to believe otherwise. Holding my hand, which has started to go numb, I back away from him, knowing this battle is over and both of us have lost. “I wasn’t running,” I tell him the truth and then add, “And I won’t say it again.” The strength in my voice comes from some part of me deep inside. The part of me that knows I could stand beside this man. The part desperate to do exactly that.

  His gaze assesses me, scrutinizing my expression.

  “I’m not lying, Carter. I have no reason to lie to you.” I let my voice soften, to show him the vulnerability. “I love you. Even through all this, I can’t stop loving you. Yes, I had a chance to run, and I didn’t take it. I wanted to stay with you.”

  My heart flickers in my chest, barely holding on to life as Carter’s expression doesn’t change, then another second passes and another.

  “You don’t believe me?” I say weakly with disbelief.

  “You’ve hurt me once. Right there,” he says then gestures with his hand behind me, to the hall that leads to the room where I held a gun to his head. “How can I believe you?”

  “If you didn’t think you could believe me,” I say to try to numb the pain growing inside of me, like a ball of bile that drops in my stomach, “then why bring me back here?” All I can think is that he doesn’t love me. He doesn’t anymore.
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  Silence.

  It’s unbearably silent as my stomach churns while Carter walks off, leaving me without an answer. Without telling me that he loves me, even though I’m the fool who spoke those words to him.

  Carter

  My phone is constantly ringing, pinging, vibrating. Constantly distracting me from life itself and reminding me that I’m in control. It never lets up. Even now, the instant I turn notifications back on I’m flooded with alerts.

  Every second the car moved and she said nothing—my Aria said nothing at all, not one fucking word to me or anyone else—every second of silence that passed only made the hate for what she’d done grow. She may not have been with her father or his men. But she sided with him nonetheless.

  My phone goes off again, vibrating in my hand and it rattles against the cut crystal tumbler. With the adrenaline and anxiousness still ringing in my blood, my grip tightens, feeling the hard metal of the phone digging into my flesh as I open my bedroom door.

  I need a fucking minute. One goddamn minute to take control again.

  The incessant buzzing in my hand mocks me and I slam the door shut behind me, feeling my muscles tighten and the air thin as I struggle to keep my breathing steady.

  Setting down the tumbler and bottle of whiskey on the dresser, I glance at my phone, unable to simply shut the fucking thing off.

  It’s Sebastian.

  The intensity dims, the heat subsides. He always has a way of showing up when I need him most.

  I heard what happened, his message reads and as I stare at his text, another comes in. I know you’ll probably say the same as always, that you don’t need me to come back, but I have to ask. Do you want my help?

  I stare at the last line, taking in the word “want.” When Sebastian left, it was a while before we talked again, given everything that changed the very next day. The day I had my unfortunate introduction to Aria’s father.