All He'll Ever Be

by W Winters

  I thought you were busy with Chloe and work? I write back then press send, still staring at the word “want.”

  He’s asked a few times, when shit got rough over the years, if I needed him to come back.

  “Need” being the operative word. And back then, knowing what happened between him and Romano, I never would have allowed him to come back and risk a damn thing. Not with a girl by his side. The girl who is now his wife, not to mention very much pregnant.

  The guard job is over; it was just a summer gig.

  He never stopped traveling. They moved from place to place when they ran from our hometown. He had enough money to keep them afloat until they found a bed and breakfast to hide away in, located on a huge cattle farm. He’s been there for a while and it took him a long time, not until last year, nearly ten years after leaving this place to come back. The farm’s shut down, the land’s sold, and Chloe’s pregnant. He has no reason to come back, not with the money he still has and the extra he makes doing security detail work. But I know he longs to come home, especially given Romano has no control here anymore. Even if he doesn’t want to admit the one thing that’s really held him back is Chloe.

  I thought you said you and this city just don’t mix. I can’t help asking, pushing him away further and knowing full well what I’m doing.

  Do I want him back? Yes. I need him now more than ever. Every piece of what I’ve built is crumbling and a part of me, the part that’s very much alive, wishes desperately that I could do what he did. That I could take Aria and simply run. To leave this shit behind, and make it just Aria and me. No one else, no problems, nothing but what we pack in a car before taking off. If I could trade places with him, I would.

  But I have my brothers to look after, and consequences to suffer.

  At one point, Sebastian was like the older brother I never had. And when he came here to see the safe house last year, I thought he’d stay. I should have known better. The world changed when he left, becoming darker, colder, and he didn’t want it for Chloe.

  I knew I was descending deeper and deeper into the pits of hell, a misery of my own making, when I watched them drive away. He said he’d be back, but it’s been roughly a year. A year of messaging off and on. And a year that’s changed everything.

  I don’t care what I said before. I want to come back, Carter. You need my help.

  Aria

  It takes a long time for me to move from where Carter’s left me. Daniel comes to check on me, to tell me Addison’s in the study if I want company. He’s not nearly as soft toward me as he was back at the safe house. I appreciate it either way though.

  The thought of facing Addison though, knowing how she has Daniel and I don’t have Carter… I can’t take it right now.

  Jase comes by again, although he doesn’t speak. He only squeezes my shoulders and offers me a weak smile that I return with a shake of my head.

  Even Declan comes by and tells me he’ll make me something to eat if I want, but I know I would throw it up if I could even manage to take a bite of anything at all.

  It takes me a long, long time before I start walking down to Carter’s wing. The idea of staying in the hideaway room offers a small bit of comfort. I could be alone and break down where the only person who would see is Carter, if he bothered to check on me.

  But I don’t want to hide – even if I do want to be alone. Time is precious and I don’t want to live like this.

  I’m halfway to Carter’s bedroom when my pace picks up. His door is closed, and I’m scared it will be locked when I grip the carved glass knob, but it turns easily for me.

  Too easily, even.

  The savage man I love is standing at his dresser, the whiskey bottle still sealed in front of him. But shattered glass scatters moonlight around the room as the curtains sway from the air blowing through the vents, letting in glimpses of the light.

  It looks as if he must’ve slammed the glass down too hard and with another step into the room, my eyes assessing his hand as I close the door behind me, I can see the cuts that line his skin.

  From the glass, or from earlier today, I’m not sure. Maybe the mixture of wounds is from both. The reminder he’s killed men today, men who may have protected me in the past, men who I’ve had dinner with, men who have fought for my father for years, settles an eerie chill in my bones as the door clicks shut and Carter’s dark eyes peer back at me from over his shoulder.

  There’s a slam of fear in my chest, but it’s gone quickly as Carter turns his head forward again toward the bottle, not even bothering to look at me for more than that split second.

  And then I’m given more silence.

  In that moment, I almost turn and walk away. I almost run out of the room. Almost… but I don’t. I have a voice, and I’m going to use it.

  “I’m not going to stay here as a prisoner. If you don’t want me, I’m leaving.” I don’t know how I manage to say the words so clearly, but I do. I hold on to that small accomplishment as Carter answers me.

  “I have a right to be angry.” There’s no menace in his voice at all. Merely truth.

  “You don’t have a right to treat me like I’m nothing,” I dare to respond with a harshly spoken whisper.

  “Did it even cross your mind that maybe I was dead?” he asks, slowly turning to face me. His eyes are tired and his voice wretched.

  “Yes,” I answer him quickly as my breathing catches in my chest, remembering all the worry the gunshots crying out in the night brought me.

  “And what did that do to you?”

  “It made me angry… angry that you didn’t call.” I swallow thickly, remembering how I held the phone. “I messaged you and you didn’t bother to give me any sign at all that you were all right or that you cared.” I confess a raw truth, baring more of myself to him, “And it hurt in every way possible. Every piece of me went numb thinking you were out there… that you were gone like Eli was.” It feels wrong even speaking of Eli right now. His memory should be honored and not brought up like this.

  “Daniel had already told me you were all right.” I hope that truth eases something in him as I realize at least one of the reasons why I’m angry. “I knew you were all right and even if I was mad that you were ignoring me, I promise you I couldn’t have felt more relief at finding out that you were okay.” Every time I turn soft for him, I lose that hard edge that makes me his equal. I know it, yet I do it every time.

  Carter’s quiet for what seems like an eternity, as if registering what I may have been feeling for the first time. Please, I pray he’ll understand. With so much against us, we need to understand each other if nothing else.

  “I thought you were dead and I was ready to kill anyone who stood in my path to find you, Aria. And yet, when I got there, you didn’t…”

  “I didn’t what?” I question him with a raised voice, begging him to tell me everything. With a hesitant step forward, I stop when he answers.

  “You didn’t react to seeing me.”

  “What did you want from me?” I ask him, honestly not knowing what he wanted. “You grabbed me like I was a child acting up.” Instinctively, my hand moves to my forearm where he ripped me from the doorway and yanked me inside of the house.

  “You didn’t even ask if I was all right,” he spits at me, condemning me for not comforting him when I’d just witnessed more death firsthand than I ever have in my life.

  “There was death everywhere around me, and I knew my family was out there but-“

  “It’s your family you care about!”

  I’m taken aback by the venom in his words. “You already knew I loved them and that I didn’t want this-”

  “I would do anything for you. I would kill for you. I feel like I would die without you. Yet when I got to you… all you wanted was for me to let you go.”

  “Carter, you don’t understand.”

  “No, I don’t.” His answer is hard and unmoving.

  “I’m sorry,” I say, giving him an apology I tr
uly mean. “I didn’t want to upset you; I’m just not okay right now… and I was even worse earlier.”

  Carter’s expression softens slightly, but I can tell he’s holding on to his reservations. I know he doesn’t trust me. I’ve lost his trust completely and it makes me feel trapped and desperate, needing him to give me a chance.

  “I’m sorry. Do you believe me?” My question is pleading as I take the few small steps needed to stand in front of him. I swear he can hear my heart pounding as I dare to tell him, “If I could go back, I would. I would make sure I gave you what you needed, even as I dealt with all of this… this agony inside of me.”

  I’m careful as I raise a hand and cup his jaw. His five o’clock shadow is rough against my fingertips. The anger wanes from him as I rub my thumb up and down his cheek.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t want any of this to happen, but I don’t want to lose you.” My words slip from me easily, raw, transparent and true. I mean every word of it.

  Carter takes a step to his left, closer to the bed and says under his breath, “There’s no room to be sorry in this life.”

  Crying is something I’m done with. I swallow down the spiked pain and embrace it rather than succumb to weakness. A second passes as Carter strips out of his shirt, unbuttoning it and then tossing it onto the floor.

  He may have grabbed me earlier as if I was a defiant child walking out recklessly into a busy street, but right now, he’s the one acting like a child.

  “You just want to be angry with me, don’t you?” I pause my thoughts as he removes his cotton undershirt, stained with blood too. “There’s nothing I could say or do to change your mind. You want to be pissed at me.”

  He looks at me from over his shoulder, a derisive glance. “Why would I want that, little songbird?”

  “Because if you aren’t angry, you’ll have to deal with everything else that’s brewing inside of you. If you aren’t a beast, then you have to be a mere mortal and deal with what you’re feeling.” I spew the words, not even conscious of them until they’ve left me.

  “Ever the artist, aren’t you?” He makes light of the truth, not willing to admit how accurate my words are as he turns to me and stalks closer, wearing nothing but his pants. His hardened muscles ripple in the dim light and his dark eyes seem bright with a challenge.

  “Make light of it all you want. You simply want to be angry with me.” He takes a large step forward and I take a small one back, not letting him get close enough to touch me. “And I’m fine with it, so long as you know it’s bullshit and that I’m very aware of what bullshit it is.” I spit out the last words, hating him for what he’s doing. He’s using his rage as a buffer to maintain his veneer of control. And it’s not fair. “I love you, Carter Cross. I chose you.” I have to add in the last statements, if for no other reason than to be honest with myself. Even now, I still love him. He’s ruthless; an uncaring and brutal asshole. And I’m the fool who loves him and wants him to give up a piece of his armor, knowing I’ll protect that part of him with everything I have.

  “You didn’t choose me,” he insists and I start to respond, but he continues. “Choose me now, and kneel.”

  My pulse quickens at the look in his eyes. I’ve seen it before, so many times. And I’m grateful for the change. Hopeful to reach the man I love through this veil of hate.

  I look him in the eyes as I obey him. The blood that rushes through my veins heats with desire. There wasn’t a single part of me that hesitated.

  He crouches in front of me, bringing him to eye level, and my gaze stays pinned to his. The depths of his dark irises ignite with power, with a primal need.

  Take from me, Carter. Take what you need and what’s left of me will still love you.

  Spearing his fingers through my hair, he makes a fist and forces my head to tilt. My breath hitches with the sudden grip, and my body bows to his. There’s barely a hint of pain; it’s merely him taking control as he crashes his lips to mine. My hands reach up instinctively, bracing either side of his jaw as he ravages me.

  The kiss is everything. It’s warmth. It’s home. It’s a touch that awakens the pieces of me that have been silent and waiting for him to come back. I moan into his kiss, wishing I wasn’t in this position so I could lean into his hold, so I could take more of him and show him how desperate I am for us to go back to what we were.

  But there’s no way we could ever go back.

  You can never go back.

  My lips feel swollen and bruised by the time he releases me, slowly loosening his grip. My chest heaves for air, and I love it. When I peek up at him, my vision hazy with lust, I see his eyes closed and his own lips parted as he takes in a steadying breath, then opens his eyes to pin me in place.

  The gaze of a hunter, a predator even, stills my beating heart.

  In the pale light of the early morning trickling through his curtains, the soft shadows line his jaw and make him look even more domineering.

  He stands slowly, leaving me where I am and I can see his thick length as he does, pressing against his pants.

  He paces in front of me, deliberating on what to do next, and I’m eager to find out.

  “You’ll pay for what you did.”

  “What I did?” The question is spoken with confusion. I have to blink away the desire as fear creeps in.

  “Raising a gun to me. Standing in opposition to me.” He doesn’t hold any anger in his words. Only truth and certainty.

  “I thought I already did.” My voice is choked as I gasp out the words.

  “You lost my trust.”

  I can only nod, not trusting myself to speak. I think about everything he’s done to me since the first night I laid eyes on him. How he’s deprived me, lied to me, locked me away and punished me with both pleasure and pain.

  “Holding grudges hardens the heart,” I murmur to myself, but my words are for him as well.

  “I don’t have a heart, songbird.” His response is quick, but so is mine.

  “I don’t like it when you lie to me.”

  It’s quiet for a moment. Carter’s mind is made up for tonight. But we have time. I don’t know how much, but there’s always hope. And I know my soul speaks to his. My soul is desperate to stay with his. It’s the only truth that matters. I need him.

  “If you’re staying in my bed tonight, you’re going to have to satisfy me.” As Carter speaks, my gaze is drawn to his strong jaw and then to his throat. I watch as his chest rises and falls and he stands in front of me, unbuckling his belt. The sound of the leather hissing in the air as it’s pulled through the loops makes my pussy heat and clench.

  “I’m staying with you,” I tell him with a mix of defiance and the greedy need to be taken by him. I can’t help but think he just needs to be touched. To be loved. To be given free rein over me and to feel how much I need him. This is what we need.

  He doesn’t speak as he unzips his pants and then lets them fall to the floor with a soft thud.

  His cock bobs in front of me, swollen and each vein protruding. I can practically feel his thickness pulsing inside of me already. He may need this, but I know I need it too. I need to be loved. Loved for the person I am, by this man and this man alone.

  “Lie on the bed on your belly,” he commands me and I’m eager to move.

  I want to make this right between us however I can.

  And if this is how he chooses, to command me, defile me, degrade me in his bed, I’ll obey him without objection. Because I fucking love it too.

  As I crawl up the bed, stripping as I go and tossing the clothes on the floor, I hear Carter open a bedside drawer. I’m not sure what it is he’s getting, but I don’t care. I just want him. However I can get him.

  With a cheek pressed to the pillow, I lie still on the bed, naked and waiting for him to do as he pleases. I know he won’t hurt me. Not like this. His words are venomous, and his deprivation of affection is torturous, but here, like this, he won’t hurt me. I know he won’t. Whether he says it
or not, a piece of him loves me more than his entirety could ever hate me.

  The bed dips in time with my heart at the thought, and Carter climbs on top of me, his hard erection digging into my thigh as he leans over me. His fingers trail up my side and make my whole body shiver. He gently pulls back the hair over my ear to kiss my neck, giving me goosebumps that cause my nipples to harden and a shudder to run down my shoulders.

  “You think you love me, Aria,” he whispers in a threatening tone that turns my blood to ice. “Let me show you exactly what kind of a beast I can be.”

  Letting my hair fall back into place, he sits up straighter and the air around me suddenly feels colder without him there any longer.

  My heartbeat quickens, but I ignore the lingering threat and welcome whatever he wants to do to me. He is mine, and I am his.

  A click sounds in the air at the same time a sudden coldness hits my ass. It’s wet and slick, and it takes me a moment to realize what it is.

  Carter drizzles lube over my ass and then runs his finger down to my forbidden entrance. Heat rolls through my body and I struggle to stay still, knowing what he’s going to do.

  He takes his time, teasing me, stretching me, pushing himself in and out for what feels like too long. I can’t take it. I can’t stand waiting any longer, knowing what he wants and what he’s going to take from me.

  “Carter,” I say and his name is a plea on my lips. My head moves from side to side as he shushes me.

  He presses his head inside of me and it’s already too much. I jump away from him, my teeth clenching.

  “Push back,” he commands me and then adds as he slips inside of me, “Push back right now.”

  My hips tilt up slightly, although only because of his grip on them and I do what he says, but it’s so much. Too much. My body blazes with the forbidden touch.

  I’m so hot. So full already. Every inch of my skin tingles as I try not to writhe underneath him. With one of his hands on my hip and the other gripping my shoulder with a bruising force, he slams all of himself inside of me in a swift, unforgiving thrust.