All He'll Ever Be

by W Winters

  I can’t look at my father, or the gun.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper. Not to my father, but to the version of me that could have done better. To the hopes of what could have been and then I remember, I remember the small life inside of me and I cry harder. I mourn all of us and what we may have been had fate treated us better.

  “Forgive me,” I cry into the crook of Carter’s neck and then I hear that voice again, the one I’ve only heard in my terrors. Hold him tight, or else he’ll die.

  “I am,” I whisper to no one.

  And with that I hear my father whisper how his own daughter betrayed him and then he tells me goodbye with a gunshot following close behind. The bullet is loud and it makes my shoulders jump, but I stay close to Carter, clinging to him with everything I have.

  I know I heard it. I swear I did, but I felt nothing. Nothing at all.

  My eyes open slowly, and I’m too afraid to breathe. I know I heard him shoot, but it didn’t hit me. A long moment passes before I hear a body fall. First a thud and then a louder thump. I have to turn around, to face the desk to see my father, laying on his belly on the floor, his eyes staring ahead of him but looking at nothing as blood pools around him, spilling from the hole in his cheek.

  A second passes, tick.

  I can’t do anything. The scream is silent.

  Another second passes, tock.

  And that’s when I notice movement from behind the desk.

  My eyes travel up the suit pants, to the fitted shirt covered in blood.

  Nikolai’s expression isn’t cold, it isn’t angry. He’s heartbroken as he lowers his gun and I watch him swallow.

  “Do you want to tell them it was you? Or should we tell them I did it?” he asks me and his last word is strangled. He looks between Carter and myself and I can’t even answer him. I can’t think about anything but how long it’s been since I’ve felt Carter’s heartbeat.

  A weak pulse is the only response I get at that thought.

  “Help me,” I plead with him.

  Chapter 97

  Aria

  They took him away. They took him away from me. Jase pried my fingers back and Sebastian pulled me away as I screamed. The memory loops over and over again, but it’s not me. I’m merely watching it happen like the scenes of a movie.

  “It hurts so much,” I struggle to say out loud and I don’t know who can hear me because I don’t even know who’s around me.

  “You need to change, Aria.” I hear Jase’s voice, and the tremors rocking through my body only pick up.

  “Is he okay?” I cry the words and he lets me fall into his embrace. When I look forward, Nikolai is watching. He saved me. He saved Carter.

  “They’re doing what they can,” is all Jase tells me in hushed words, as if we shouldn’t be talking and the tears fall, but I don’t cry any longer. Instead I take in the room. I take in everyone. How did I even get down the stairs? How did I get here, and why are Nikolai and my father’s men in the same room with Jase and Sebastian? There are other men here too. Men from both sides.

  My face is hot; my pulse runs fast. Before I can beg him to take me to Carter, and bring him back to see me, I hear another voice.

  “This truce isn’t going to last long.” Brett’s voice carries through the room along with the sound of several guns.

  The sound of guns raised quickly behind me, and seeing guns on all sides, heats my blood.

  “Put them down.” The words are torn from me and I’m quick to push Jase away. I’m walking on shaky legs, but with purpose until I rip the gun from his hand.

  This war is over.

  The bloodshed is over.

  I’m fucking done with it.

  A look of shock is written on Brett’s face, but I have no mercy for him. There is no mercy for anyone, not anymore.

  “There’s been more than enough death today.”

  Carter. My heart rips in half at the thought of him dying. He’s barely hanging on and I’m not by his side. I can’t stop seeing his face. Or hearing the way he said my name.

  The gun is hot in my hands and I turn to my left. Standing in front of the staircase, I slam the gun down on the table, shaking the precious vase my mother used to fill with flowers when I was a child. I declare, “I won’t allow any more to happen.” The darkly spoken words leave me even though I turn to no one.

  In my periphery, I barely see the men lower their guns. Their eyes burn into me, wondering if I have any authority, and I wonder the same.

  This needs to end, and I need to go to Carter. It’s all I can think as the emotions well up in my throat.

  “We want Romano dead,” Jase speaks and his voice carries through the large space and all the way up to the tall ceilings.

  “Fight with me,” I tell him, hardening my words and feeling the anxiety stretch in every limb I have. Every inch of my body is hot. Every pulse seems loud and hard.

  “Someone needs to pay for all this. And that man is Romano,” I whisper to Jase, although it’s loud enough for all in this room to hear.

  “My father is dead, but I won’t let anyone else die, not on your side,” my voice tightens as I tell him, looking Jase in the eyes, “and not on mine. Is that understood?”

  Jase’s lip quirks. “It is,” he says, and then turns to Nikolai.

  “What about your father?” Brett asks me.

  “He betrayed my mother and his loyalty,” I speak up although my words are choked. I don’t know what to think or believe; all I know is that he’s dead and my mother is never coming back. I don’t have any answers, I’ll never have a way to acquire them. “My father’s reign is over, and that’s all that matters.”

  “Who reigns now?” someone to my right asks and the room resonates with the sound of shifting feet.

  “We reign together.” I don’t hesitate to speak up. My voice is clear and carries strong conviction. “Until Romano is ten feet under, that’s the top priority for all of us.” I feel lightheaded with the tense air and the lack of a clear answer. “Right?” I push out the word, daring either Nikolai or Jase to disagree.

  “Cross.” The word is practically spit from Nik’s mouth and the air thickens and practically suffocates me as I watch the men meet face to face.

  “What’s the status of your war, Hale?” It’s been a while since I’ve heard anyone call Nikolai by his last name.

  “My war?” he asks with a crease in his forehead, stepping up to Jase.

  “I don’t want to fight,” Jase tells him easily, letting his tense shoulders fall and moving his hand away from his gun. My heart pitter-patters and Nik steps back slightly. “I agree with Aria,” Jase says and swallows thickly, looking Nikolai in the eyes. “I side with her on this. We all fight together.”

  “You were on his side before,” Nikolai comments as whispers spread through the room like wildfire. The hissing of the words doesn’t stop when Jase speaks up along with Sebastian, explaining that Romano is now an enemy and they would rather side with me and my family than with Romano any longer.

  “I have to admit, I’m surprised to still see you here,” Brett says after a moment of quiet to Sebastian. “It’s been a long time since you’ve come around.” The air between the two of them is easy. They must know each other. Maybe from a time before this, I’m not sure.

  “I chose my side.”

  “And what side is that?”

  “The one with Aria.”

  My cousin’s lips kick up into a half smirk. “I like that side,” he tells Sebastian.

  “You need men?” Jase asks and Nikolai answers, “We need guns.”

  “We have guns,” Sebastian says easily as he leans against the wall.

  “We can come to an agreement,” I say to break up the conversation, ready for it to end. “There will be no more death between us.” My voice carries a note of finality with it and no one disagrees as I walk to the end of the staircase, staring up its vacant space as I grip the railing.

  The side of the house i
t leads to gives me an eerie feeling. A sickness in my gut. A fear that doesn’t come from logic or truth.

  The type of fear that lingers and creeps up on you. A fear of what has passed and is no longer. Death is stained in these halls. And with death, darkness.

  “Where is Carter?” I ask and turn quickly, facing each man who was in that room, each man who pried me away from Carter as he lay on the floor, bleeding out with no sign of stopping.

  Nikolai doesn’t answer, and neither does Sebastian. The men on my father’s side are quiet, but they watch me. I don’t care if they do.

  They should all know. I love him. I chose him.

  “We didn’t have time for the doctor to come to us. He’s in the hospital,” Jase answers me.

  “And?” I ask, the word barely spoken.

  “And we’re waiting.”

  I won’t cry in front of these men. I won’t cry with an army watching my every move, an army who need strength and decisiveness. So I only nod.

  “Aria, I’ll handle this,” Sebastian tells me and my cousin nods at him.

  “What do we do with the house?” Connor asks. I’ve just learned he’s Nik’s second-in-command. “The cops may stay back, but reporters are going to come soon.”

  The men start to talk. A few at once, and I cut them all off.

  “Burn it down.” The words come from a place of hurt. A place of pain. “Burn this house to the ground,” I give each word the hate they’ve earned before turning calmly to the men, still gripping the railing and telling them, “It was a house fire… and nothing more.”

  Silence and shock greet me. The house is eerily quiet, and from this day on, that’s all it will ever be.

  I don’t know if these men will stick to the quick truce we’ve made or what will happen once I leave, but I’m done with all of it. The useless killing and the constant threats especially.

  Before a single man can respond, I hold Jase’s gaze and demand, “Take me to him.” Finally releasing the railing, I step forward, my pace confident even as I fall apart, and head to the door. My stride doesn’t slow and it doesn’t wait for anyone.

  I need Carter.

  The war has changed; the players have transitioned, and pawns have been taken.

  None of it matters if he dies though.

  I need Carter.

  Are you okay?

  I stare at the message on my phone for the longest time. The hospital’s waiting room is vacant with the only exceptions being Addison and myself. I only left Carter’s side because the nurse said I had to. Only four people are allowed to be in the room at one time. Sebastian and Carter’s three brothers wanted to see him and I’d been in there since the moment we got here. It’s been ten hours now.

  I slept by his side, my hand in his and my cheek on the edge of his bed. I was only in and out of sleep though and each time I fell to the depths of a dream, he was there, waiting for me.

  He holds me in my dream and tells me it’s okay. But it’s not. It’s not okay. And I tell him that over and over again. He needs to come back to me. I need him here. I can’t live without him.

  With tears clouding my vision, I look at the message again and instead of answering Nikolai, I ask him the same.

  Are you?

  It took me a while to message him back, but his reply is immediate: My answer depends on yours.

  “You okay?” Addison asks, breaking the silence in the room. The only sound is a clock at the far end of the waiting room clicking each time the numbers change. It mocks us.

  Swallowing down the ragged lump in my throat, I grab her hand when she reaches for mine and I squeeze tight, but then I let her go, moving it back to my phone. “Just a message,” I answer her weakly. Everyone asks if I’m okay, as if that’s even a possibility right now.

  Wiping under my eyes gently with the sleeve of the baggy black hoodie Sebastian gave me, I shake my head.

  “I’m right here,” Addison says with a weak smile that doesn’t last. It merely flickers on her face.

  “And I’m here for you,” I tell her back and she leans into me, resting her head on my shoulder for just a moment before bringing her knees into her chest and wrapping herself in the blanket Daniel gave her. The waiting room is so cold. But I suppose it’s better that way.

  I didn’t expect for this to happen. I finally answer Nik.

  For what? he asks.

  I want to tell him – all of it. To be taken, to fall in love, to learn who I am and what I want. I haven’t told Addison or anyone about the baby. Only a nurse, who I confided in because I was scared with everything that had happened. I was scared the baby would be gone. She said she wouldn’t be able to tell me unless I was at least six weeks pregnant. So now, it’s a matter of waiting.

  It’s all a matter of waiting.

  Talk to me. Where are you? Nik messages me.

  Hospital. He’s not okay. As I write the last word and press send, that sick feeling of loss weighs me down.

  You really love him? Nik answers me with the question and I don’t wait to tell him that I do. To admit it.

  I want to stay with him, Nikolai. I need him to be okay.

  I wait and wait this time as he types but doesn’t send anything. All I’m given is a bubble of dots, letting me know he’s there, but the words don’t come.

  I don’t want to lose you, I write to him before he can answer. I can feel him slipping away in my heart. As if him realizing I truly love Carter and Carter loves me, is the last string breaking that once held us together.

  He’ll never let us be friends. If I was him, I wouldn’t.

  I know he’s right, but it hurts. Saying goodbye is never easy.

  I won’t work under him, Aria. I have to leave.

  I don’t even know if he’ll be all right, I message him back. It’s selfish of me to want for him to be there for me, even knowing this is goodbye, but Nikolai has always let me be selfish. He’s always loved me. And I’ll forever love him. Just not the way I love Carter, and he deserves for someone to love him that way. Everyone needs someone to love like this. With your whole body and soul. To be consumed by it.

  He’ll be okay. Carter knows how to fight. And there’s no way he’d let me have you. He’ll come back just to keep me from you.

  Nik’s words break me. I know this will be the end of us and whatever we had. All he’ll ever be anymore is a memory.

  I’ll always be here for you, but you have to reach out to me. I won’t be something that comes between the two of you. I’m here for you, but when he comes back to you, you know I can’t be there anymore.

  I love you, is all I can tell him. My last words to him.

  Always, he messages back. His last words to me.

  He’s right. I already know Nikolai is right. Whether he’s just a friend or more, doesn’t matter. It’s either Nikolai or Carter and between the two, there’s no decision to be made. It was always Carter.

  But he needs to come back to me.

  “I need you,” I whisper the words, gripping my phone in both of my hands as I lean forward, praying to anyone who will listen.

  The last time the doctor came out, they said the surgery was done. It’s only a matter of whether or not he’ll wake up. And they don’t know that he will.

  He can’t leave me like this. It’s all I keep thinking. How selfish am I in this moment, but I am. I need him. Carter can’t leave me. He can’t leave me alone. Not when it’s finally over. My hand slips to my belly. Not when I didn’t even tell him he has another life to care for.

  My bottom lip wobbles as I let my head fall back against the hard wall and stare up at the stark white ceiling of the waiting area outside Carter’s room.

  “I need you,” I whimper the words and I don’t know if I’m speaking to Carter, the man I love who can do nothing but try to survive, or my mother. Praying to her to do something. To save him and to keep me from being left alone in this cold world.

  “I need you,” the whispered plea that comes from me is ra
gged as I close my eyes.

  The last time I spoke these words like this was when I held my mother’s dead body as she lay on the floor. In the room above where my father used to work.

  My eyes slowly open as Carter’s story comes back to me.

  He said I knocked on the door.

  He said I told my father I needed him.

  He claims it was my voice.

  And all the while I thought he was wrong because I never went to that side of the house. Not since I last spoke those very words and my mother died. All because I swear I used to feel her there. I never roamed to that side; it scared me to even think of going, because I felt her and I know she was angry. Bitter and waiting for something I couldn’t give her.

  Slowly the twine unravels in my mind. The truth pricks chills down my spine.

  I don’t know who knocked on the door. I don’t know if that’s why my father stopped and let Carter go or not.

  But I know where those words came from.

  How could my words, spoken on the floor above Carter when my father nearly beat him to death, be echoed years later? How could he have heard my pleas and think they were meant for him?

  I never knocked on the door, that wasn’t me, but I did cry out, “I need you.” Only it was years before Carter would ever be brought into the room beneath the bedroom where my mother was murdered.

  Those words were given to my mother. I spoke them, I know I did.

  But they weren’t for Carter. They were never meant for him or my father.

  Years later, I think my mother gave them to him. She gave them to a vulnerable boy on the brink of death, so close to the edge of a place she lingered. She gave them to him, a helpless boy caught in a horrid place, who would turn into a ruthless, merciless man. And he would one day, give her revenge in return.

  The story is there, tickling the edge of my mind, and it keeps me frozen in my seat, gripping the edge of the chair.

  The last few months play out in my head, slow motion for some moments, and only glimpses for other scenes.