All He'll Ever Be

by W Winters

  The only reason I fell into Romano’s trap was because Nikolai took my drawing pad… the one that had my mother’s picture in it.

  I only fought for it because of the picture.

  Swallowing is futile; my pulse quickens and an anxiety I haven’t felt since I ventured into the east wing of my father’s house returns. The wing where my mother died.

  I remember the way I felt when I stabbed Stephan. My skin felt like ice. And there was a hand, a hand over mine that wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop stabbing him. The thought is sobering to my tired mind. The exhaustion that weighs my eyelids down seems to vanish as I try to swallow, each of the events that have led me to this point falling into place in my mind like puzzle pieces.

  A chill spreads over my skin as I hold on to the armrest of the chair with a white-knuckled grip. My blood runs even colder, and I can’t shake it. I can’t shake the freezing fear that flows through me. It’s something unnatural and my thoughts make no sense. It’s not truth. It’s not real. It’s only a coincidence.

  Still, I turn slowly, ever so slowly to Addison and ask her, barely breathing the words, “Do you think the ones we lost stay with us forever in some way?”

  “Ria,” Addison breathes out as she takes my hand in both of hers, freeing it from gripping the armrest and pats the top of it soothingly. “He’s going to make it,” she says and her voice is hoarse with emotion.

  I shake my head, rubbing under my eyes with the hand she doesn’t have and telling her, “No, not him. Not Carter.” A second passes, one painful beat in my chest before I look into her soft gaze and ask, “Do you think others, others we loved but who have passed stay with us?”

  She searches my gaze for only a moment before nodding her head.

  “They must.” Her answer is final with no room for doubt.

  At the same time as the doctor walks through the doorway, heading straight to us, Addison adds, “Even death can’t sever love.”

  Chapter 98

  Carter

  She was here. I know it. I can still smell the soft citrus scent of her shampoo. As death threatened to drag me to hell where I belong, I swear I heard her sing for me. The cadence of her sweet, feminine voice, carried past the damnation I knew was sure to come and I clung to it.

  I will forever cling to her.

  I could hear her, even feel her, but I couldn’t open my eyes. I couldn’t speak either. All I wanted to do was to tell her I love her. But I couldn’t.

  I would rather her pull a gun out on me any day than to lose her.

  Knock, knock. The door creaks open as the knocks filter into the room.

  A trot in my chest proves I’m still waiting on Aria, but it’s not her. My brothers come in, but Aria’s not here. For a split second, I think maybe it was all in my mind. That she wasn’t here at all.

  Maybe it was only a dream.

  Fear consumes every piece of me. She didn’t die in my place. Aria can’t die. No!

  “Aria,” I breathe her name and Sebastian tells me she’s okay. She’s in the hall waiting.

  A sharp pain shoots through my chest, a pain I’ve never felt before and I can hear the beeping of a machine over and over as I grimace.

  “You don’t have to sit up,” Daniel tells me, moving to my side and trying to keep me from moving. I want to go to her. To see her. “Don’t overdo it,” I hear Jase tell me. As my head starts to feel lighter, I focus only on breathing.

  “Fuck off,” I say and shove him away, ignoring the heat of an agonizing pain rip up my right side. I seethe inwardly and in that moment, at this weak moment in my life, the door opens and Aria’s there.

  It’s all like a dream. My body slumps back, my focus entirely on her and the way her eyes lift to mine, brightening at the sight of me looking at her.

  “Just relax,” Jase tells me as he drags a chair across the room, cutting off my path to Aria for a split second and again I try to get up and go to her, but it fucking hurts.

  Daniel tries to push me back down, a gentle push, but he can fuck off.

  He doesn’t need to do a damn thing anyway; the pain is enough to keep me from moving. It’s such a sharp pain, I can feel it everywhere. It heightens the slight twinge from the needles in my arm. The pressure on my chest feels like too much.

  All of this pain is negligible though. She’s here. We survived.

  “I’m fine,” I grit through my teeth, refusing to take my eyes away from her.

  “Have it your way,” Daniel says then raises his hands and backs up to lean against the wall in front of me. His head rests against the cream walls, next to a painting of some church. Seeing it reminds me where I am. The doctor came in a moment ago. Saint Francis Hospital is small and off a back road. They’re also now equipped with two dozen men outside this room, this hall, and this building.

  The doctor said I need at least a week in bed. I’ll give it two days.

  I want to be home. With Aria.

  I won’t stay here for long.

  “How are you doing?” Jase asks me and I give him a side-eye.

  “Fucking peachy,” I answer him. My heart tightens as I watch Aria take a half step closer. Her fingers wring around one another nervously. She’s still quiet and hasn’t said a word.

  I remember those last moments, but I also remember that she ran away.

  And the last time we were alone… I remember that too. How she cuffed herself to the bed at my command. At my arrogance.

  Never again. I’ll never let it happen again.

  “What happened?” I hate that I have to ask and the knot in my throat nearly suffocates me knowing that regardless of what happened when I blacked out, my songbird went through it alone. I wasn’t strong enough for her.

  I failed her.

  My throat constricts when Jase tells me Nikolai killed her father. He shot him and now we have a truce. One built on the condition that we join forces to eliminate Romano.

  Nikolai was her knight in shining armor. I knew I’d owe him, but I never imagined I’d owe him for my own life.

  “Romano is the new target then,” I tell Jase with a tight voice, letting go of the jealousy and the hate I have for the first love Aria ever had. I force the semblance of a smirk to my lips as I shift on the bed. Every movement exacerbates the pain of the needles digging into my arms.

  I needed a blood transfusion. Three ice cold bags of the shit. I may not have been able to speak or even open my eyes. But I felt it. I felt everything as I hovered the edge of death, fighting to get back to Aria, moving toward the sound of her mournful hums.

  “It’s the right move to go after Romano. We can let Talvery’s men choose what position they take afterward, but for now, Romano is the only enemy,” Jase says and Daniel agrees.

  “I know.” I swallow gravely and watch Aria in my periphery. My brothers may be in front of me, but I couldn’t give two shits about them. I don’t care about the war. The territories. I don’t care about anything other than never putting Aria in the line of fire again.

  “He knows we fucked him.” Jase’s voice is even as he slips his hands into his pockets. I can see through his jeans how he balls them into fists before releasing them and then does it all over again as he speaks.

  My heartbeat is faint and the voices around me are nothing but muted white noise as I stare at him. The soft beeps of the monitor continue all the while I have to force myself to focus on what they’re saying.

  All I want to do is make sure we’re all right. I need to know that Aria and I are all right and that she forgives me. For everything.

  I’m so fucking weak for her.

  She has me in every way she can. Forever more.

  “With Aria being seen and involved, the Talvery men won’t turn on us.” He peeks over his shoulder and pauses, seemingly biting his tongue before adding, “For now.”

  I gauge Aria’s response, but she gives away nothing. Nothing at all. Her small frame doesn’t even sway as she keeps her focus on me. On the tubes that connect
to the needle in my veins and the monitors on my chest. I wish I could rip the fuckers out right now. I don’t want her to see me like this.

  I may be weak for Aria, but I won’t be like this, confined to this bed, for long.

  “Nikolai won’t betray us so long as he thinks Aria is safe,” Jase says.

  “Nikolai won’t betray us,” Aria speaks for the first time, her voice hard as she gives her full attention to Jase, daring him to deny what she’s saying is true. “He’ll keep his word.”

  “The war between our families is over. We’ll act as one.” Aria’s strength and determination are barely offset by the raw emotion in her voice. The reluctance to accept anything else will be her downfall. But I’ll catch her. And I will bend to her volition as best I can.

  “For now,” Daniel speaks up. “Someone from your ranks may want to go their own way, to take men and rally against you, Aria. But for now, Nikolai is on our side. And even if they split off, we can let them. We don’t need to fight for their territory.”

  Aria assesses him, her chest not moving as she refuses to breathe. With a single nod, she gives way to what may happen. I’ve seen it before, small factions separating. Generally, it ends with bloodshed, but we’ll handle that when the time comes.

  Jase holds her stare for only a moment before nodding once. “Either way,” he speaks to me, “Romano is a dead man. He can hide in his safe house all he wants. I’ll find him. I’ll kill him.”

  “Another day and the enemies change,” Daniel comments.

  “We can talk about it once you’re feeling better,” Jase says.

  “You and Sebastian handle this, plan the attack, but keep me informed.” The ease with which I give up control shocks Jase, if his raised eyebrow is any indication.

  “I have other things to attend to.” As I speak, my hand grips the edge of the bed and I wish it was Aria’s hand. I need her close to me. I need to know every piece of us fits back together how it should, how it was meant to all along.

  I need her to love me.

  That’s all I need.

  “One more thing,” Jase tells me, rocking on his heels just as Daniel kicks off the wall, ready to leave us alone. Jase can’t get the fucking hint.

  “What?” I don’t hide my annoyance in the curt response. But it only makes both of my brothers smile.

  “Do you remember that woman in the Red Room?” Jase asks me and I feel the pinch in my forehead as I shake my head no.

  He lets out an exasperated sigh but says it doesn’t matter. “Her sister is the girl we met in the Red Room. Jennifer something. She died and her sister is causing a scene. She’s making threats and calling the cops.”

  “Who is she?” I ask him, wondering why the fuck we should care. Plenty of assholes call the cops on us when they don’t know any better. We pay the cops to tell us exactly who and why. And we pay them well.

  “The sister of the girl who wound up dead. The one we questioned about the SL stash bought in bulk.”

  I peek at Aria, who squirms where she stands, her gaze shifting from me to Jase.

  “And?” My heart races, wondering what she’s thinking.

  “I figured I’d stop by and see what she knows.”

  “And how are you going to get that information?” Aria asks, again speaking up but only to make her presence known as well as her newfound authority.

  “Don’t worry, Miss Talvery,” Jase rolls her name off her tongue, “I’ll be a gentleman.”

  “I don’t believe you,” she tells him but the hint of a smile graces her lips.

  “Do you need someone to come with you?” Daniel asks and it’s only then that I realize how tired he is. How tired they all are.

  “I can go on my own – I just wanted you to know,” he tells Daniel and then looks back at me.

  It’s quiet in the room for a moment and every second that passes, I wonder if he’s all right. Ever since Marcus told us the truth about Tyler’s death, sadness and despair have clouded Jase’s eyes.

  “Are you okay?”

  Agony ripples through his dark blue eyes, but he plays it off. He’s always handled hardship that way. “You’re asking me when you’re the one strapped to a fucking bed?”

  “I’ll only be here for a day or two.” I keep my voice low and warning. “Remember that.”

  Daniel’s chuckle is genuine, but Jase’s smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

  Shaking my head, I say, “Nothing.”

  “Is that all?” Daniel asks Jase and he responds by holding up a finger. He goes on to tell me about the money coming in and how the last week’s been fucked. How another shipment of sweets was stolen. I don’t fucking care anymore. I just don’t care. He can take on the problems now.

  All the while Jase speaks, Aria’s eyes don’t leave me. I can feel her gaze burning into me. My flesh. My very soul.

  “Could you guys give us a minute?” I ask my brother as a spike of pain ricochets up my right side, from my toes to my hip and up the back of my shoulder and down the front. My entire body is in agony.

  But it’s my chest that hurts the most. The pain that fills the vacant hollowness of my chest where there should be warmth. I finally look at Aria, letting my gaze roam down her small body. Her thin cotton shirt is wrinkled, presumably from waiting in the chairs all this time for me to wake up.

  Please God, let her have waited for me. It must mean something for her to be here. I don’t remember everything that happened, but I’m sure I told her I loved her. I’m certain if ever there were words I would utter as death came to take me away, they would be only those that spoke of what she meant to me. Everything.

  “I need to speak with Aria.”

  Chapter 99

  Aria

  “Please forgive me.” I’ve asked him so many times tonight. This time it’s to his face while he’s conscious, not while his eyes are closed and he’s far away from me, close to death’s door and never able to hold me again.

  The second the door closed, I couldn’t help but to plead once more for him to forgive me. “I shouldn’t have left.” I let the words fall from my lips as I make my way closer to him.

  He has the darkest eyes I’ve ever seen, but the specks of silver pierce into me… always. The way he looks at me, as if I only exist to be consumed by him, will haunt me until the day I die. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

  I’m dying inside being this far away from him. I need to touch him, to hold him and make sure he’s really here. My heart doesn’t believe he’s all right. And it hurts inside of me like no other pain I’ve ever felt.

  “As long as you forgive me, I’ll forgive you of any and every sin you’ve ever dared commit. Just love me. All I want is you, Aria. I can’t lose you.” His last words are strained, the pain of his wounds showing even with the steady drip of the IV forcing painkillers into his veins.

  I can’t even think about forgiving him, knowing it didn’t have to end like this. I didn’t have to run. It seems childish now, standing in front of him, seeing the consequences of my fear and my rash decision to hide the truth from him and flee from it all.

  “Carter,” I say, and his name is a tortured word on my tongue. “I’m so sorry,” I utter painfully as I reach for him, getting closer to the hospital bed and letting my hand fall onto his forearm. My legs are weak; I’m barely able to stand seeing him like this.

  My beast, hooked up to a machine and riddled with pain. All because of me and my foolishness.

  “Forgive me,” I can barely get the words out, letting everything between us fall. Every pretense, every wall. There’s no room for any of it between us. “I shouldn’t have run from you.”

  “I forgive you.” His deep voice is raw. “I already told you I have. All I want is you.”

  All the words I wanted to tell him are strangled in the back of my throat, refusing to come out at the sight of him.

  “We aren’t perfect. And if I could, I’d go back and change th
e way we came to be, but I’ll be damned if I’d let you go.”

  He’s saying everything I dreamed he’d say, but I still have to tell him and I can’t.

  I can’t bear to tell him why I left.

  “It’s okay, songbird,” Carter tells me, soothing me and luring me to come even closer. “I love you,” he whispers and that breaks me. Finally, and completely, I break for him. Every piece of me shatters.

  And I’ve never felt more complete in my life. Thoroughly ruined for the man I love.

  There’s one secret left. One small truth that could change everything. And it won’t be kept hidden any longer.

  “Do you want to know something?” I ask him, feeling the tension in my body increased with anxiety. The secret I’ve been holding is going to swallow me whole unless I give it the freedom to be spoken.

  With his gaze tired, the exhaustion of everything weighing down the strength Carter possesses, he brushes my cheek with his knuckles, and I take his hand in both of mine.

  “Anything and everything,” he tells me and lets out a deep exhalation.

  With a small smile wavering on my lips, I let out the secret just beneath my breath, “I think I’m pregnant. That’s why I ran.” The secret punctures my chest, creating a crater so deep it will never be filled if Carter’s reaction doesn’t mend the wound. “I didn’t know what to do.”

  He may forgive me for keeping it from him. But I never will. In this moment, seeing and feeling with every piece of me how much he loves me, I can’t believe for a moment I ever dared to not tell him. To hide this from him.

  A second passes and a thump in my chest feels raw and painful as pain and betrayal flash in his eyes.

  “Pregnant?” he questions and I can only nod.

  In the seconds that tick by without a response from him, without knowing what he’s thinking, the pain trickles into my veins and I creep closer to Carter, needing him to give me something.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper the words, feeling the remorse consume me. I was going to run away, and take his child with me. Tears fall freely down my cheeks. If he hated me, I would understand; there’s no way I would ever forgive him had he dared to do the same to me.