Forbid Me

by M. Robinson

  “She’s going to be seventeen soon. I know that doesn’t make it any better, I know it doesn’t make it right. Fuck, Half-Pint, she’s not wrong. I think I’m in love with her, how fucked up is that?”

  I was in love with her, but I couldn’t bring myself to fully admit it out loud, especially to Alex. I needed someone else’s perspective and Lily was right, Alex would understand more than anyone and I had done everything in my power to keep her and Lucas apart. I hated myself for that, especially at that moment when faced with her and the truth all around me, smacking me right in the goddamn face. She watched me pace around the room until I finally stopped and sat down in the desk chair, facing her, hunched forward with my arms on my legs.

  “I have no idea what to say,” she softly said.

  “I’m sorry, Alex. All these years, all I’ve ever done is… I mean… with Lucas and you… I just. Fuck… this is my fucking karma.”

  She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

  “I know you don’t have to say it. I know,” I admitted, knowing that she wanted to say that I was right.

  “Does anyone know?”

  “Of course not.”

  “What are you doing in her room? You know that could have been Lucas walking in here. Do you have any idea how bad he’s going to beat you for this? Oh my God, Jacob, he’s going to murder you.”

  I lowered my eyes and peered at the ground, rubbing my hair back and forth, wanting to tear it the fuck out. “I know. You have no idea how many nights I’ve lost sleep because of this. I need to get away from her. It’s one of the reasons I’m applying to law school so far away. I need to put distance between us.”

  “Does she know?”

  I shook my head.

  “Oh man…”

  “I’ve made my bed and now I have to lie in it. This is the only thing I can do to make things right.” It nearly killed me to say it.

  “She’s going to hate you.”

  I sighed, knowing that she was right. Lily wouldn’t forgive me for this. “It is what it is. I can’t keep leading her on like this. I am sending mixed signals all the time, but I can’t help it. I can’t explain it either.”

  “You don’t have to. I understand.”

  I looked deep into her eyes. “Half-Pint, it was never about you. It was Lucas. None of us thought he was right for you. You deserve, you deserve someone like Cole.”

  “It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s in the past.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry if I ever influenced anything that caused you pain. I love you,” I sincerely spoke.

  She nodded. “I know. Everything happens for a reason.”

  “You’re not going to tell—”

  “I promise… but if this shit hits the fan, because it’s eventually going to, I’m going to claim I didn’t know anything. I'll pretend to be just as surprised as everyone else.”

  I laughed and stood. “I’m going to—”

  “Go.”

  She watched me leave, realizing that Lily was right. It didn’t take me long to go after her.

  Confirming that I did love her…

  After all.

  I found her on the beach by the pier. Sitting at the exact same spot when she found out her mom had cancer. I sat beside her. My hat was safely placed on her head and she looked like she’d been crying which was completely different from the girl that had left the room.

  My carefree Lily was gone.

  She stared off in front of her not looking away from the waves, almost as if she was in a trance.

  “You’re leaving,” she stated.

  “How did you—” I paused. “You heard.”

  “I thought…” she shook her head. “I thought you were going to tell her that you love me. I thought you were going to tell her that you wanted to be with me. I thought you were going to tell her everything I’ve so badly wanted to hear.” She swallowed hard, her voice breaking, mimicking my heart.

  “You didn’t tell her any of those things. You think you love me? I could understand why you lied about us just kissing, but Christ, Jacob… your karma? Really?”

  “Lily… it wasn’t… I didn’t… fuck…” I breathed out, frustrated. “What was I supposed to say?”

  “How the hell should I know? You never tell me anything. I knew you were applying to out of state schools because I thought you wanted to get the best education, not because you wanted to get away from me,” she swallowed her voice finally breaking, fresh tears falling down her beautiful face.

  I wanted to hold her.

  I wanted to comfort her.

  I wanted to tell her that everything was going to be okay.

  That I loved her.

  I did none of those things. I sat there and watched the love of my life cry.

  For me.

  For everything I had done, for everything I couldn’t bring myself to say, for everything that she had overheard… for all of it.

  “I’m sorry, Kid. I’m so fucking sorry,” I whispered, trying to keep my own voice from breaking.

  “Just go, Jacob,” she sniffed still not looking at me.

  “What?”

  “You heard me. Just fucking go,” she whispered so low like she didn’t really want to say it.

  “What about you?”

  “What about me? I’m going to sit here. Watch the sun go down. Go home to my parents and continue to watch my mom die a little more every day,” she sobbed, wiping away her tears. “Alone. Because the guy I love doesn’t want me…” she broke down, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I tried to pull her into my arms, but she pushed me away.

  “Don’t!” she shouted. “Just go! It’s what you want to do anyways.”

  “Lily, you know that’s not true.”

  “What I thought I knew proved to be one big lie, so no, Jacob, I know nothing. Not one thing.”

  “What am I doing to you? Look at you. This is my fault. I can’t keep doing this to you, Kid, it’s fucking killing me!”

  “It’s always about you! What you feel, what you need, you, you, you! You don’t listen to me, you don’t hear me, and you blow me off because you think I’m a kid. I’m not a kid, Jacob. I may only be sixteen, but that doesn’t matter. I’m watching my mom die. Every day. No one talks about it. No one says anything when she’s throwing up all fucking day. No one says anything when she can’t get out of bed because the chemo is literally eating her from the inside out. No one says anything when she can’t eat, when she can’t move, when she can barely fucking talk! So, tell me, is that something a kid would see?”

  I bowed my head, ashamed and remorseful.

  “I wish I didn’t love you.”

  I immediately raised my eyes to her. The look on her face crushed my already breaking heart.

  “I wish I could stop loving you just so you would know how it feels.”

  “That’s not fair, Lily,” I finally spoke.

  “It doesn’t make it any less true. Just go… I don’t want you here anymore.”

  “I wish it were that easy.”

  She stood, looking down at me. “It is. Just watch me do it.” She took one last look at me and left.

  I watched the girl that I loved more than anything walk away from me, except this time…

  She took my heart with her.

  “Lily, why is there men’s cologne in your bathroom?” Lucas asked, walking back into the living room.

  Shit.

  I thought I hid everything Jacob in my house. He was adamant that all his stuff was staying in my house. We had talked about it, and we weren’t ready to tell anyone yet. We wanted to enjoy being together without having it be ruined by my brother, especially on my birthday weekend. I had picked him and Alex up from the airport. They were staying in my guest bedroom for the next two days. Mason was with his mom for the weekend to my disappointment, I miss my little dude.

  “What?” I played dumb.

  “The cologne, Lillian. Who’s is it?”

  I looked around
the room, my heart pounding in my chest.

  “Bo!” Alex yelled at him, slapping him in the chest. That had been her childhood nickname for him. “Leave her alone. She’s twenty-three, she’s allowed to have sex.”

  “The fuck she is,” he roared.

  The front door opened at that exact moment, and of course in walked Dylan and then Jacob, both not bothering to knock. All three of them built like mountains, making my house look tiny. I was saddened Austin couldn’t make it. He was stuck in New York, saying something about his girlfriend Briggs. Although, nobody knew if they were actually together or not, they had the craziest relationship. He texted me a picture of his new tattoo on his arm and it warmed my heart as soon as it appeared on my phone. He had gotten a tattoo of one of my random drawings I used to draw with a marker on his freckles as a child. Austin was covered in tattoos now and my design seemed tiny in comparison to his others, but I loved the gesture.

  Jacob picked up Alex from the floor, squeezing her tight in his arms. “Look at you, Half-Pint, all grown up.”

  She laughed as he set her back down. “You say that every time you see me. I’m digging the beard.” She tugged on it.

  Yeah… me too.

  “Hey, bro,” Jacob greeted Lucas. They hugged, smacking each other’s backs.

  Dylan came over to me and did the same thing to me that Jacob had done to Alex. “Hey, there, rock star. Can’t wait to see you perform. I hear you’re a big deal around these parts.”

  I smiled as he set me back down on the ground. “Yeah, I do what I can,” I replied, grinning.

  Jacob mischievously looked at me. “I don’t get a hug, Kid?”

  “I see you all the time,” it slipped from my lips.

  “You do?” Lucas questioned, grabbing Alex from behind around her waist. “You mean, old man Jacob here isn’t working his life away anymore?”

  I bit my lip.

  “You know your baby sister, Lucas. She’s hard to ignore.”

  “No shit. So who’s the fucker she’s seeing?”

  Jacob cocked an eyebrow.

  “You met him yet? Do we need to pay a little visit?” Lucas added.

  “Yeah…” Jacob nodded. “I’ve seen him around a few times in passing. She always has this smile and glow about her when he’s around. I haven’t met him yet, though, but he makes her happy, Lucas, and at the end of the day isn’t that all that matters?”

  “Who the fuck are you? And what have you done with, Jacob?” Dylan argued, making me laugh.

  “Why does everyone keep saying this to me lately? You’re right. Let’s find him and lay him the fuck out, Special Agent McGraw,” Jacob mocked, only looking at me.

  “Oh my God,” Alex chimed in. “We just got here. Can we eat before you guys start plotting out ways to end up in jail? I’m starving.” She linked her arm with mine. “Or you know what? You guys can stand here and continue playing G.I. Joes. Lily and I will go to lunch. I’m sure we can find someone who will hang out with us.”

  Lucas picked her up off the ground, throwing her over his shoulder. “Nice try.” He smacked her ass and she yelped. “Let’s go, Half-Pint’s hungry and you know how she gets.”

  She giggled and winked at me as he carried her out the door, and I knew Jacob was dying to do the same to me.

  These goddamn good ol’ boys with their caveman tendencies.

  I took them to my favorite diner to grab some lunch. I hadn’t been there since Jacob and I went on our first morning together. I sat us at a booth, sitting down next to him, Alex and Lucas across from us, and Dylan at the side. Jacob squeezed my thigh as soon as I sat down because of the seat I had picked. I glared at him while everyone looked at their menus and he didn’t pay me any mind, looking over his own menu.

  “This damn table, I barely fit,” Jacob said, trying to nudge it but it wouldn’t budge. The table being so long that the boys all looked uncomfortable while Alex and I were just fine. I laughed at the thought.

  “What time does Aubrey get in?” I asked Alex, Dylan pretending like he wasn’t listening to every word.

  “Umm… I think she said four this afternoon. Something with Jeremy’s schedule, I don’t know, it didn’t make sense, but they had to change their flight,” Alex replied, sipping her cherry coke.

  “God, they’ve been together forever now. How are they doing?”

  She shrugged. “I guess good. I don’t see them very often.”

  “You live in the same town.”

  She shrugged again.

  “You chasin’ any pussy while you’re here?” Dylan asked Jacob, wanting to change the subject. Except I was the only one who knew why.

  “Not chasing,” he simply stated.

  Alex narrowed her eyes at me with a questioning expression, and I looked down at my menu. Jacob’s hand quickly found my thigh again, rubbing it up and down, close to my panties. I tried to move his hand away, but he wouldn’t budge, only squeezing my thigh to get me to stop.

  I cleared my throat to avoid yelping.

  “You okay?” Jacob asked, knowing damn well I wasn’t.

  “Mmm hmm…”

  If he was trying to make his presence known, then he was doing a damn good job of it. Dylan and Lucas might be clueless enough not to notice it, but Alex… no way in hell she missed it.

  “Wow, the man who’s one step away from being a manwhore, suddenly has very few words for his latest putang? I call bullshit,” Dylan laughed, never one to hold back. “Must be someone special.”

  “You could say that,” Jacob retorted as he cupped my sex, and I gasped.

  Alex’s gaze shifted back and forth between us.

  “Are you sure you’re okay?” Jacob asked again, and I could feel him grinning.

  I wiped my mouth. “Yep. Just kicked the table by accident.”

  “Are you next, bro? Does Alex need to start planning a wedding? You know she’s going to jump on that shit,” Lucas laughed, kissing the top of her head, but Alex didn’t answer. She was too busy piecing together the puzzle that sat in front of her.

  “Is she coming out?” Dylan questioned.

  “How do you know she’s not here right now?” Jacob beamed as I bowed my head again, trying to fight him off under the table.

  “Maybe she’s sitting at this table,” Jacob stated, and I just knew everyone was looking at me.

  What the hell is he doing?

  I looked up with a smile. “You know he’s fucking with you right?”

  “My baby sister is too damn smart for the likes of you.”

  “Is that right?” Jacob chuckled, squeezing my leg one last time before finally letting go.

  I could breathe. “In other news… I’m going to go to the bathroom.”

  I got out of there faster than a bat out of hell.

  I knew it was out of character for me to purposely provoke her, especially in front of Lucas, but at that moment I didn’t care if he found out. I was over them fucking with me. Knowing I was going to have to spend the entire weekend out of Lily’s bed just added to my agitation, and frustrated the fuck out of me. We finished lunch and then Lily took us to her bar, Lucas and Dylan wanted to check it out before tonight.

  I sat with Alex at the bar while she showed the boys around. There were pictures of her all over the walls, and I could tell by the look on both their faces they were extremely proud of her.

  “How long?” Alex asked, taking me away from my thoughts and making me look at her.

  “How long, Jacob?”

  “Since I’ve been here.”

  Her eyes widened. “That was almost five months ago!” She slapped my chest. “Neither one of you have said a word.”

  “You’ve had your own shit to worry about, Half-Pint. How’s that going?”

  “The same, but you’re changing the subject.”

  “Hey… I guess I’m just dying to be an uncle.”

  “Does she know?”

  I knew what she referred to and I shook my head no.

  She s
ighed. “Jacob… you can’t not tell her.”

  “I will. When the time is right, I will tell her.”

  “Have you spoken to him? Your dad?”

  “Off and on,” I simply stated. It was the truth.

  “Your mom is doing great. I stop by and check on her at least twice a month.”

  “I know.”

  “This…” She looked over at Lily. “It’s different this time, right? Because I swear, Jacob, if you hurt—”

  “I want to marry her.”

  Her head jerked back, stunned.

  “I would marry her right now if I didn’t have to deal with your husband.”

  She sighed. “Yeah…”

  I watched as Lucas pulled Lily to him, kissing her on the head and looking down at her with such love and adoration.

  “He’s going to fucking kill me.”

  She nodded. “Yeah… Lily has been through a lot these last few years. You know that. It’s one of the reasons she moved here.”

  “I know what you’re doing, Half-Pint, and yes it was one of the reasons, but we both know the truth. She left because of me. No one else.”

  “It’s in the past.”

  “Sometimes. Other times it’s blatantly right in front of me when she looks at me and tries to look past what I did.”

  “Jacob, it was a lot to take in. Anyone would have done what you did. I honestly think if you told her it would bring you closer. It would give both of you closure, and she wouldn’t look at you that way anymore.”

  The guys came back before I could answer. I didn’t take my eyes off Lily, silently praying that Alex was right.

  I played my last set of the night. I requested to only play a few sets that weekend so I could party and enjoy the time with my family. Alex was trashed, I had never seen her that drunk before, and she and Lucas were practically making babies on the dance floor. Dylan and Aubrey spent the night on opposite ends of the room than us, and with the way Jeremy was acting I don’t even know why they even bothered to come.

  I wanted to have a minute to talk to Aubrey alone, and with Jeremy hovering over her the whole night I figured my best bet was the ladies room. She excused herself and Jeremy quickly followed her once again. I waited a few minutes for him to return then I made a run for it. I opened the bathroom door and gasped, locking it behind me, rushing to her immediately.