Lost Love

by Nicole Casey

  But then a face peered around the door, and my heart literally skipped a beat. For a second I thought it was going to stop forever.

  “Alex?” I gasped, totally unsure if I was supposed to be pleased or scared by that fact. My heart flew and sunk all at once. “What are you doing here?”

  “Actually,” he shuffled around into plain view, looking sheepish and uncomfortable. “I came to talk to you.”

  “How... how did you know I was here?” This was so weird. It had seemed to me like Alex didn’t want to talk about that night either, but it seemed like I was wrong. Maybe I’d been projecting my own feelings onto him, or maybe I’d spent so much effort trying to avoid him that I hadn’t considered his emotions at all.

  “Well, after... after seeing you today,” he worded it weirdly, but I knew exactly what he meant. We’d finally looked at one another, and emotions had been fully realized. I still just didn’t know what to do with them, so I was taking the cowards way out once more. To be perfectly honest I didn’t feel too good about myself in that moment. “I thought that we should talk. I know things have been strange, and I wanted to clear the air. So I went to follow you home, and you came here instead. I waited for a moment, just in case you’d gone in to get something, but you were a while. So... here we are.” He shrugged awkwardly, somehow managing to loosen my tongue. This was Alex. After all we’d been through, I felt like I could be honest with him about this.

  “I’m creating a game,” I told him with a tremble in my voice. “I guess I never told anyone before because I’m so scared of failing, but it’s something I’ve always wanted. It’s actually why I came to work here.”

  His expression was totally unreadable for a moment, spiking nerves all through me. Alex was in the position to fire me, and he would be within his rights too. Especially if he assumed that I meant I didn’t like working with him, which wasn’t what I was getting at when I said those words. I opened my mouth before rapidly slamming it shut once more. I had the sense that the more I spoke, the worse I’d make things.

  “Okay,” he eventually nodded calmly. “Can I see it?”

  It wasn’t in a position to be seen, especially not by someone whose opinion I respected so much, but what could I do? I nodded slowly. A nauseated feeling overcame me. I’d really wanted it to be ready before any eyes saw it, but carelessness had taken that choice from my hands. I hadn’t looked behind me before I came into the office, and now my boss – the man I also had very complicated feelings for – was taking a look.

  “It isn’t finished...” I told him lamely, and pointlessly considering he already knew that. Humiliation burned through my body when I thought about the games Alex usually saw and how they compared to mine, but it was too late to stop him now. He’d clicked the ‘start’ button...

  Chapter Twelve

  Alex

  “I have to say, I’m impressed!” I told Jon honestly, once I’d been through his demo. My heart was beating really fast in my chest, and this time it wasn’t just because I was standing so close to Jon. It was because I felt something. This was on the cusp of becoming something amazing. I could just sense it. I was accustomed to the game world enough now to know that much. “This is so cool and unique. It’s like I can already see the finished product in my mind and I’m already mentally planning a marketing campaign.” I wasn’t saying it to suck up to him, or to make things right between us. This was purely business and I genuinely felt those things. I wouldn’t have given him false hope if not; I could never be that cruel.

  “Are you being serious?” Jon had gone redder and redder as I played, and I knew that was because he saw it as an amateur, but games always looked that way in the beginning. I could easily see past all of that. With a professional team behind him, Jon was really onto something. I might not have been a gamer myself, but it didn’t take a genius to see that he’d created something wonderful.

  “I am,” I grinned brightly, happiness spreading across my cheeks. This was the sort of excitement I’d been looking for when taking this job; it was much more interesting to deal with than stress. “I’d love to see more when you have it.”

  With that, Jon became passionate and enthusiastic. He pulled out his designs and he ran through the plans with me, giving me a much clearer insight into where he intended to go with things. This wasn’t just a new plan. This was something he’d been working on for years and that showed through the sophistication of his ideas. I felt totally blown away by it all.

  I soaked up every word, enjoying listening to him speak so excitedly about this. His cheeks flushed, but now with happiness rather than embarrassment; it was so lovely to see. It also helped to dispel any awkwardness between us, which I loved. I’d come to Jon with the sole intention of clearing the air between us, but now I didn’t feel like I had to. Now I felt like that conversation could come another day. As long as things weren’t strained between us anymore, I could cope with that. This could be a basis in which we at the very least rebuilt our friendship.

  “Wow,” I sat back in my chair and eyed Jon curiously. “This is awesome! All of it, and what you’ve put together so far is incredible.” There was a plan forming in the back of my mind, but I had absolutely no intention of letting Jon know that. What I was thinking was something I wanted to be a surprise, but it was bursting from my heart begging to spill past my lips. It took all that I had to keep it inside. “Do you think that you could give me copies of everything, just so I can give you a feedback report?”

  “Really?” Jon furrowed his eyebrows as if he was doing his best to work out what my real intentions were. It was hard, but I forced my expression to remain neutral throughout his examination. “Erm, yeah of course... that would be great actually. I feel a lot like I have no idea what I’m doing so it’d be cool to have someone telling me where I’m going wrong.”

  “You need more confidence in yourself.” My natural urge was to reach forwards and to take his hands in mine as I spoke, but I forced myself to resist. This was a nice moment, and I didn’t want to make it weird by bringing feelings back into the mix. “You have something really awesome here, and I think you should get it finished.”

  “Thank you,” he replied, sounding a bit thick with emotion. I was boosting him up, and that was filling his throat with happiness by the sounds of things – just one more reason to go through with my plan!

  In that moment, something clung to the air and I knew that I had to make my next move very carefully. Much as I wanted to grab him, to kiss him, even to invite him out with me, I couldn’t. This moment was about Jon, not us. And I wanted to keep it that way. “Well,” I pushed myself into a standing position, whilst smiling sadly at him. “I should let you get on. You have a lot of work to do.”

  He stared imploringly at me, making my heart dance about in my chest. “Didn’t you... have something you wanted to talk about?” But even as he said that I could see the fear in his eyes. He wasn’t ready for the conversation yet, which was okay. I could be patient and wait for him. It would all be worth it.

  “No,” I shook my head with a smile. “Not now, not when you have so much going on.” He opened his mouth as if to speak, so I shut him down quickly. I just wasn’t in the position to be able to hear it right now, not when we couldn’t go through it all properly. “So, get that demo to me and I’ll give you the report.”

  We said a quick goodbye and I forced my way back down the stairs. Even though I knew this was all very positive, it felt really heart-shattering. I just wanted it to be simple. I wanted to be able to be with Jon. I hoped that it was going to be okay, but it wasn’t. Not at the moment anyway. Because of that I tugged my phone out of my pocket the second the fresh air hit my face ready for action. I had a lot of calls to make now, and the sooner I got on that the better.

  “Raymond!” I exclaimed excitedly into the phone as soon as my boss answered. “I have something for you, and you really need to see it.”

  “What on Earth are you going on about?” he laughed
amiably at me. “You can’t be so evasive when you ring me up with ideas. You know that drives me crazy. You’re just lucky that I respect your opinion so much or I would’ve hung up on you already.”

  “Just trust me,” I chuckled back. “Meet with me, as soon as you can. You’ll love what I have to show you.”

  “Fine, my PA will send your PA a date and time.”

  That made my heart flutter like crazy, and Jon couldn’t have any idea about this at all. I didn’t think Raymond would reject the game idea, but if he did I didn’t want Jon to know. “No, just get your schedule out now!” I insisted quickly. “I know you’re all big and important, but surely you can check your own schedule?”

  “Fair enough!” Luckily he wasn’t offended by my outburst. “How about Friday?”

  “Christmas Eve?” I didn’t have Christmas plans, but surely Raymond did.

  “Yeah... come on, you know I never stop working!”

  “Christmas Eve it is...” I wasn’t sure why but it made me even more determined to make this work. If I could just get a ‘yes’ from Raymond, then everything would be awesome.

  And if it didn’t... well, I didn’t really want to think about that option.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Jon

  “I have to say, I’m impressed!”

  “This is so cool and unique.”

  “It’s like I can already see the finished product in my mind and I’m already mentally planning a marketing campaign.”

  Alex’s words circled around and around in my mind, making me smile every single time. He actually warmed up my heart with those words, and gave me a confidence like I never thought I’d experience.

  Maybe I would be good at this after all!

  I hadn’t ever known Alex to lie for any reason, and it really didn’t feel like he was when he said all those amazing things. I felt like he actually really did like my game, and that meant the world to me. Having the positive opinion of someone I respected was one thing, the fact that I liked him so much too made it even more important to me.

  He liked what I created. He thought I was worthwhile, and he gave my ambition a much-needed boost. At first I’d been enjoying creating my own game. Now it felt like something I could actually do, and not just as a pipe dream. Maybe I could actually become a game creator after all.

  And now Alex wanted me to compile everything for him so he could give me a feedback report. He might not have been a huge gamer, but having his opinion to write in the final report before I took the game to people would be huge. He was a massively important member of staff at Ringer Enterprises... that meant so much. Investors, creators, everyone would see that as amazing.

  I wasn’t sure how to feel about all the other stuff just yet. Alex seemed to sense that I just wasn’t quite ready to discuss the issue of us just yet, and he seemingly respected that. He had to want to talk about it. That could be the only reason he followed me to the office, but he’d let that all slide for the moment while we celebrated how much he liked my game. As I stood by the photocopier making prints of all the artwork and sketches for him, I considered how much of an amazing, selfless person that made him. He was honestly nothing like the guy I feared bumping into the day I had my job interview. I assumed one thing about him while he yelled at that guy, and actually the truth was something totally different.

  He was sweet, caring, and encouraging. He was everything anyone could ever want in a boss... and more. Not that I was thinking about that at the moment.

  Was I?

  I knew the demo wasn’t totally to the standard I wanted it to be, but I finished up a little early for the evening, safe in the knowledge that Alex had played the game and enjoyed it as it was. He’d said that he could see the potential in the game, that he could envision what it would become, so his feedback report would be based off that. There was only so much I could do to improve on that for now.

  As I left, with a positive skip in my step, I found myself automatically heading towards the dive bar where me and Alex had first met, before we went on this crazy journey. Maybe I was hoping that he’d had the same idea as me and I would find him in there. Sure things were strained between us, and eventually that awkward conversation would come up, but I still wanted to be near him the whole time while I figured things out.

  Unfortunately – or probably fortunately, if I thought about it properly – he wasn’t there. I ordered a drink and took my place at the bar with my mind spinning. This was crazy. I was actually on the way to do something amazing with my life. I’d actually achieved something all by myself. Okay, so it was only one rung on the ladder. I was doing things in baby steps, but it felt great. I was certainly no longer the layabout I used to be.

  “Hey,” the guy behind the bar suddenly caught my attention, dragging my eyes off my pint glass and onto him. “What’s going on with you? You’re grinning like a mad person to yourself. This isn’t the sort of place where people come to be happy. Take a look around, it’s gross. This is where people come to drown their sorrows. Hence why I can’t decipher your happiness.”

  I chuckled loudly, probably making myself look even more insane. “I know, just good things happening at work.” God it felt good to be able to say that. “Something that I’ve been working towards for years is finally starting to happen.”

  “Ah,” he leaned forwards on the bar, giving me what could only be described as a flirtatious look. My heart felt a little squishy and weird at that. This guy was cute, preppy and blond, with bright blue eyes and high cheekbones, muscles too... maybe the sort of person I would’ve gone for before, but now I had Alex in my life. Okay, so we weren’t together or anything – which was mostly my fault – but I couldn’t even consider anyone else. No one could compare anyway, so it was pointless. “I see, I thought you might have just gotten engaged or something.” He winked... he was definitely flirting.

  “Not today,” I tried to keep my voice monotone so I wouldn’t lead him on, but it didn’t seem to work. He opened his mouth, preparing to say something else, so I knocked the rest of the beer back quickly and stood up to shut him down before he got started. I just wasn’t good at letting people down. It wasn’t a sensation I was used to. “Anyway, I need to get going now. Thanks for the drink.”

  He looked disappointed, but unfortunately there wasn’t anything I could do. I just couldn’t be attracted to anyone else now that I knew Alex. That experience in the bar just highlighted that to me. Maybe I was being mental trying to push those powerful feelings aside just because of work. Maybe what I thought was smart was actually me being very short-sighted...

  Anyway, I wasn’t focusing on that right now. I was doing my best to think about work instead. I was on the cusp of something brilliant, and I didn’t want that train of thought to be distracted. Just because Alex needed a lot of my brain space, didn’t mean I had to let him have it.

  I was starting to feel like we’d have to find a way to be together in the end though, no matter what. If I couldn’t stop thinking about him, then maybe I’d have to cave to that temptation in the end.

  Damn it! I was regretting walking away from Alex in that hotel room. That was the one moment I didn’t want to be a mistake and it was. Of course, if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have thrown myself in to my game creation. I wouldn’t have achieved as much as I had, but still it didn’t feel like it was an all round good plan. It’d left me feeling even more confused and mixed up than before.

  Never mind, one issue at a time. I didn’t want to overwhelm myself. This felt like a pivotal moment in my life, and I needed to make it all continue on the up.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Alex

  It was so difficult to keep it to myself all week, especially when Jon gave me all the information, but I had to. Every time I felt the information about to explode from me, I simply walked away and forced myself to calm down. It was much easier working in the warehouse because it meant we were crazy busy and we had no time alone together. I wasn’t sure I could’v
e done it if we were working in the office.

  Still, it would all be worth it today... I hoped. As I stood outside Raymond’s office, bouncing from foot to foot, nerves coursed through me as if it was my project I was presenting. I loved it so much that it felt like it was mine. I was almost as dedicated to it as Jon. I ran through the information in my mind, spinning it over and over again. I wanted to get it across in the way that Jon did because he presented it perfectly, but I also wanted to add my professional twist to it. I knew how to deal with men like Raymond; I knew how to make them understand that something was for them.

  I had no idea how this was going to go today, but it felt like it was about to change everything. Things had been much easier between me and Jon this week, which was a huge and positive step, and I had a feeling that this had the potential to change that... I just didn’t know how. It could’ve made things as incredible as I hoped they would be, or it could send everything flying down the toilet. I really hoped that wasn’t the case...

  All of a sudden, Maci, Raymond’s PA, swung the door open, looking a little flustered. “Oh... hi,” she looked totally stunned to see me there, which had me panicked. Raymond was expecting me, wasn’t he? “You have a meeting with Ray... Mr. Ringer now, don’t you?” As she stood to the side and she tried to discretely wipe her mouth a secret smile came to my lips. It seemed I wasn’t the only one having trouble controlling the feelings around someone I worked closely with. “Please, go inside.”