Living With Regret

by Riann C. Miller

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Other Books by Riann C. Miller

  Introduction

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Epilogue

  Acknowledgements

  Excerpt from Beneath The Lies

  Living with Regret

  By

  Riann C. Miller

  Living With Regret

  Copyright © 2016 Riann C. Miller

  Editing by Edee M. Fallon

  Cover Design, Formatting and interior design by Jersey Girl & Co.

  All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products, bands, and/ or restaurants referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/ use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

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  Unlikely Love

  Beneath The Lies

  Living With Regret

  Sometimes the simplest choice has the power to change your life.

  Chase

  Ten years ago, I turned a hard decision into a simple one. I allowed others to decide my future ...then I lost the best thing that ever happened to me. I let go of the girl I loved in exchange for a life I was told I wanted.

  Then one day I woke up with no recollection of my reality and instead I believed my life had turned out how I had once dared to imagine. Now everyone is waiting for me to remember the day I ruined my future as I struggle to recall a life without the person I so carelessly tossed away.

  Somehow, I was gifted a second chance with the woman I love, and I’m going to fight like hell to keep her.

  Jordan

  Your brain has a funny way of convincing you what is real and what is not; even if your heart never lets you forget the truth. After Chase Adams broke my heart, my life moved forward, even though the light I once felt had extinguished. Then I received an unexpected phone call that changed everything.

  Every day we make choices, but most of the time they don’t affect the rest of our lives. I wanted to love again. I wanted to trust the gift I was given, but every choice has consequences. Now I have to decide to let go of the past for the sake of my future ...or risk living with regret.

  JORDAN

  I woke up already knowing my life is about to change, and I couldn’t be happier. I met my boyfriend Chase Adams when I first moved to Oak Cove, Florida almost two years ago. Once he broke down every wall I had built around my heart, we became inseparable.

  In this part of the world, Chase is a legend. There isn’t a person within a hundred miles that doesn’t know and love him. More importantly, everyone is banking on the day that Chase’s talent as a quarterback takes him all the way to the NFL. For me, none of this matters because I know the person that Chase keeps hidden from the rest of the world, the one that could do almost anything with his life.

  I grew up a military brat, moving from one Army base to the next. After my father retired, we moved to Oak Cove to live near my grandparents. For the first time in my life, I knew I would be staying somewhere long enough to invest in friendships. What I wasn’t expecting was to be the center of attention. New students at Oak Cove High are few and far between. When I first moved here, it felt like everyone was seeking my attention in one form or another.

  When Chase first made his intentions clear—that I was going to be his—I blew him off like I had everyone else. I didn’t need or want a boyfriend, let alone the local hero. However, Chase didn’t take no for an answer. Annoying as it was, he followed me around until I finally broke down and agreed to go on a date with him. That night changed my life. Away from everyone else, Chase isn’t a football legend. He’s just a beautiful person both inside and out, and I knew after only being around him for a few hours that I would be stupid not to give him a real chance.

  Tonight is a warm late-July evening, almost seven weeks after we graduated high school. More importantly, it’s the night before Chase leaves for Ohio State. This morning, right before I snuck out of his parents’ house, he asked me to meet him at our park.

  Halfway between my house and Chase’s is Cove Park. The two of us have been meeting here since the night of our first date. This place is ours. This is the place I want to bring our children to one day because it was here that I first discovered I was in love with Chase.

  Tonight, though, I have butterflies in my stomach at the idea of meeting him. My mother and friends have convinced me that Chase asked me here to propose. We’ve talked about marriage, about making our future official, but knowing we’re about to take that leap is still scary ...in the best possible way.

  When I arrive at the park, Chase is sitting at the picnic table with his feet on the bench, nervously tapping away. His arms are resting on his knees and his face is pointed down.

  As I get a little closer, he whips his beautiful face up towards mine and I instantly know something’s not right. His shoulders sag, his eyes look worried, and his smile is forlorn. Whatever is going on, he doesn’t seem like a guy that’s about to propose.

  When I get close enough, I reach out to grab his hand. “What’s wrong?” I question as his eyes flash with some unknown emotion before he jumps to his feet while reaching out for me. “Chase? What’s going on?” I ask again as my hands begin to tremble.

  He slowly closes his eyes, almost as if he’s in pain, before opening them and sighing. He pauses and carefully watches me before he shatters my world. “This isn’t going to work. I mean—you and me—being together. I think ...I think it’s best for both of us if ...we go our own way.”

  My mouth drops open as all the air escapes my lungs. This is a joke. It has to be a sick and twisted joke. But when I look at him again, I can tell ...I can tell it’s not.

  I take a deep breath and step away from him as my thoughts run rampant. The one thing that stands out the most is: This isn’t my Chase. My Chase is strong, dominant, and possessive enough that he would never toss me to the side while he moved on with his life. This is his parents talking. They’ve never accepted our relationship. As far as Steve Adams is concerned, I’m a distraction. Chase needs to focus on what’s important, which is his football career.

/>   I could stand here and yell at him for breaking my heart, for not standing up for us, for not believing that together we could beat the odds, but I’m not going to. I can tell he’s already made up his mind and I’m not going to stoop so low that I have to beg him to take it back. It’s already too late. The damage is done.

  “What was last night about?” I breathe out, trying my best to hold back my tears.

  Last night, Chase had called, begging me to come over. His parents were out of town for the night and he wanted me to stay with him. I made up a story about staying with a friend then went to him.

  Looking back, last night was different from any other night we had spent together. Chase and I have been having sex for over a year now, but last night he was beyond gentle. He showed me with his body that words weren’t necessary because I could tell with every brush of his lips how much he loves me. But now ...less than twenty-four hours later, he’s crushing my heart ...he’s crushing our future.

  “Last night was a goodbye. I wanted us to have one more night filled with lasting memories,” he quickly says before turning his face away from mine.

  I’m trying my hardest to be strong but I can’t hold my tears back any longer. “You don’t think I had the right to know what last night was about?” I allow the bitterness that’s filling my body to take control.

  “If you had known last night then things would have gone very differently. I wanted ...no, I needed last night. God, I’m sorry. I know this is hurting you and I promised myself that I would never ever hurt you, but . . .” He trails off and turns his face as I brush my tears away and straighten my shoulders. Tonight isn’t going how I expected but I refuse to act weak. I refuse to give him and everyone else in this town something to gossip about. He wants a life without me, and like it or not, that’s exactly what I’m going to give him.

  I clear my throat and wait for him to finally look at me. He’s chewing on his lip and his eyes are glassy. He’s clearly in pain but that does very little to ease my own.

  “Beyond your outside layers is a wonderful man. I hope as you go through life you’ll stay true to him because you deserve nothing less than an amazing life. And when . . .” My voice unwillingly cracks. “When you do find a woman you want to spend your life with, I hope you don’t settle.”

  Panic takes over Chase’s face as he quickly responds, “I don’t mean forever. God, Jordan—I can’t—I just think while we’re both going to different colleges that we shouldn’t be tied down. Hell, we’ll hardly see each other. Taking a break makes sense but we belong together. I won’t have to settle because it’s you. It will always be you. One day, we’ll be together again.”

  I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to break any more, but I was wrong. He’s dumping me while he goes off to play the role of superstar—which I know will involve other women—and he actually thinks I will be waiting for him afterward?

  “I—I can’t . . .” I shake my head, allowing myself a few seconds to collect my thoughts. “The man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with won’t need a break from me. He’ll know from the moment I enter his life that I’m worth keeping. That’s the type of man I deserve to be with and I’m not going to settle for anything less.” Chase’s eyes flare with anger but otherwise, he doesn’t respond as I slowly close the distance between us.

  I bring my hands up and place them on each side of his face. I see the anguish in his eyes as my lips slowly find his. When our mouths meet, I close my eyes and allow myself to think of happier times, a time when our love was all we needed to survive. All too soon, I drop my hands and step away.

  The agonizing look on Chase’s face is one that might haunt me for the rest of my life because I know in my heart that tonight wasn’t his choosing, but the end result is still the same. If he’s not willing to stand up for us then it’s best I find out now.

  “That’s how you say goodbye,” I softly say as I turn and walk away.

  “Wait, can I—I don’t know...call you sometime?”

  I stop and turn back towards him. With a half-smile, I give him the only answer I can. “No.”

  “No?” he asks as his eyes wildly take me in.

  I swallow, pushing down the lump in my throat. “You’re my first love, and you’ll always hold a special place in my heart, but unfortunately, our story is over.”

  He can’t have it both ways and that’s something he doesn’t seem to understand. I know he wants me ...wants us, but he allowed his desire and maybe even fear of the future to override everything we’ve shared. There’s not a doubt in my mind that his father convinced him that his dreams won’t happen if I’m involved, but now it’s time he lives with his decision.

  I give Chase the best smile I can muster before I walk out of Cove Park, a place that up until tonight held so many beautiful memories, a place I always felt safe in, but that’s not the case anymore. Now it’s the place where my heart was broken into a thousand pieces, a place, after tonight, I never plan to visit again.

  I knew today was going to change my life; I just wish I had predicted the real outcome and not allowed myself to dream about a fairytale ending that was never going to happen.

  TEN YEARS LATER

  CHASE

  My head doesn’t hurt. Actually, it feels better than it has for a very long time and that is why I’m tuning out everyone.

  “Hello? Chase? Are you even listening to me?” an annoyed voice says, bringing my attention back to the people sitting around me.

  I’m not a mean guy, but I’m big and am used to intimidating men almost twice my size, but nothing I do or say has Dr. Mark Wallace backing down.

  “Chase, you’re one serious concussion away from altering your life.”

  I sigh and roll my eyes. This is a conversation I’m sick of having. During the playoffs last season, I was sacked. The God’s honest truth is I was more than sacked. I had my ass handed to me.

  At the age of twenty-one, I was a first-round draft pick for the NFL. Now, depending on who you talk to, at the age of twenty-eight, my professional football career might very well be over. However, that’s not a reality I’m willing to accept.

  “Chase, you have two serious concussions documented. This last one was relatively minor, but medically speaking, I don’t think you’ll recover from another severe blow to your head.”

  I turn my face away, not wanting to listen to the same ol’ crap. Dr. Wallace started this song and dance after my concussion last year. During preseason this year, I was sacked during a game I never should have played in the first place, but I got up and walked off the field without a problem. Then three weeks ago, I was tackled and I was slow getting up. If I had a concussion, it was minor, but a concussion is a concussion, or so I’m told. I haven’t played a game since.

  “Doctor, I understand your concern but if my son is one concussion away from retirement, then I think it makes sense for him to wait it out. For all we know, he may never suffer another in his life or, God forbid, that does happen, I don’t see why he shouldn’t keep himself in the game until then.” My father’s voice, like normal, is firm, almost demanding.

  Without a doubt, my NFL career means more to my father than it ever has to me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m living the life I always dreamed of, but during my twenty-eight years on earth, I’ve learned that there is more to life than just football. My dad, however, didn’t get the same memo.

  “Mr. Adams, I didn’t say anything about your son retiring. If, or realistically, when Chase suffers another concussion, the best-case scenario is early retirement, but no one in this room other than myself seems to be concerned about the long-term effects of another concussion.” The doctor takes a deep breath then looks back at me.

  “Chase, I’ll sign off on your clearance papers if you’ll look at me while I explain to you why I don’t think this is in your best interest.”

  I heard Dr. Wallace’s request but I didn’t respond fast enough to keep my father from kicking my leg to help gar
ner my attention. After giving my father a go-to-hell look, I turn and stare Dr. Wallace in the face.

  “Chase, concussions with athletes, especially football players, is a very common occurrence, but hardly anyone wants to talk about the lasting effects.” The doctor clears his throat. “I have personally cared for athletes that have suffered from both short and long-term brain damage. I’ve seen everything from losing control of their basic motor skills to severe emotional problems. I have a patient that spends hours each day confused about things he learned to do as a small child. Other patients deal with anything from headaches, nausea, depression, and I have even seen cases of amnesia. For some, these symptoms can go away relatively quick, but I’ve also seen patients dealing with symptoms even decades later.” The doctor pauses before sighing. “Chase, I need to know that you understand the risk you’re taking by being on the field.”

  I heard every word that came out of Dr. Wallace’s mouth, but I can’t walk away from the only thing I know ...the only thing in my life worth having. I’m in my sixth season with the NFL, but I’m only in my third as a starting quarterback. I have the rest of this season and next year before my current contract is up. If I take the proper time off to allow my brain time to heal, I might as well kiss my football career goodbye.

  “I understand what the risks are, Doctor,” I say in a tone that lacks any emotion.

  “And even understanding those risks you’re still willing to go back out on the field?”

  I look around the room, first at my agent, then his assistant, and finally my father. They’re all waiting for me to say one very simple word. “Yes,” I answer.

  At this point, I really don’t care what, if any, long-term effects I may suffer because the only solution the good doctor has offered is to give up football, and that’s not an option. That will never be an option.