No Turning Back, A Breaking the Rules Novel

by A. m Madden

  I smiled in a way only Ryder could provoke from me. “Okay, Mr. Carter. I’d like to get reacquainted… as friends.”

  Sure, I could do that… take it one day at a time, build our friendship. If I didn’t lead him on in any way, and kept things between us on a friends-getting-reacquainted basis until I was able to tell him the truth, then all would be good.

  And then he had to go and ruin my theory by saying, “Ree, I’ll take you any way I can, although, for the record, I want all of you.”

  I was in hell… the worst form of torture a woman who hadn’t had sex in far too long could endure short of bursting into flames.

  It was all Ryder’s fault by slipping back into playing the role of a man I couldn’t resist. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind he knew that and used it to his advantage. During our delicious meal with the romantic beach-view backdrop, he pulled out all the stops—staring intently in that way that made me feel naked or releasing that sexy chuckle that I always loved.

  And then he had to make it worse. “Want to take a walk on the beach?”

  “Uh-huh.” Apparently, coherent words failed me.

  He smiled while offering a hand, and when I accepted, he entwined our fingers and led me out of the restaurant. Damn him. I had been struggling enough without significant physical contact. By just holding my hand, he managed to make me a turned-on hot mess.

  He also evoked a ton of questions I had regarding his return to Jersey. Once we removed our shoes and began a slow stroll on the powdery sand, while he still firmly clasped my hand, I decided to broach the subject.

  “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Of course.”

  “Why did you go back?”

  His grip tightened a bit before he said, “Because I missed you… and I wanted to see if you’d entertain moving to California.”

  My steps halted so quickly it forced our arms to stretch between us. “You did?”

  “Yeah.” He shifted until we came face-to-face. “I hadn’t asked you before I left because you were finally finding your stride in a job you loved, and it would be wrong to expect you to give it up for me.” Looking back, I probably would have. Yes, I loved my new job, but I loved him more. But he didn’t ask, and I couldn’t ask him to stay with me. Ryder had worked hard for that opportunity, and I wasn’t about to be the reason he passed on it.

  “Plus, I had no idea if it would even work out or if I would fail and go back to Jersey. I’d hate myself if you gave up everything for me, only to fail.” The stress he must have experienced because of that decision came through in the tone of his voice. “But after I settled in California, and my client list increased, I thought, why not try…”

  “I had no idea, Ryder. You never—” I couldn’t finish my sentence.

  “I was dumb, Ree. First for not asking you, and then for keeping that plan from you. Then again, if I had filled you in, it may have put pressure on you or prevented you from moving on. In the end, you had moved on, and you looked so happy.”

  I didn’t know what to say. Admitting I would’ve gone would cause him undue regret for not asking back then. My stunned silence caused him to add, “Should I not have told you that?”

  “No, I’m glad you did.” Deciding he deserved the same level of honesty, I said, “Cooper and I dated for about ten months. It was easy, we got along well. But with each month that passed, even as our relationship developed organically, I always felt something was missing between us. I knew he cared, even loved me, but not in a planning-our-future kind of way. I broke up with him two years ago. Again, there was no drama, mainly because he agreed with everything I said. He also felt something was missing and blamed himself. Turns out, Cooper had a sexual awakening of sorts and eventually fell in love with another man.”

  Ryder instantly dropped his shoes and my hand to cup my face. “I’m so sorry, Ree.”

  “Don’t be. Cooper is now one of my closest friends… along with his husband, Ricky. We’re very close, and they are one of the reasons I decided to move to Florida.”

  The concerned lines etched on his face smoothed out as he smiled. “I guess I owe them a huge thank-you.” During his pause, an electrical current tethered our gazes. It buzzed and sparked like a live wire. While I waited for him to say a word and to act on what we both knew was coming, I dropped my clutch and heels, hearing them land beside me with a soft thump.

  Step away, Riana.

  Step. Away.

  I didn’t.

  Instead, I remained entranced and frozen under his spell.

  Meanwhile, Ryder’s gaze ping-ponged between my eyes and mouth before he said, “Fuck it. I’m breaking my own rule.”

  With that admission, he slowly brought his face closer to mine. Like magnets, our lips connected for a deep, long kiss. Every ounce of my resolve flew out of me and nose-dived into the ocean beside us. There wasn’t a shred of willpower in me to ward off Ryder Carter’s talented lips, and as a result I gripped his shirt to push myself against him. When my lips briefly parted, he slipped his tongue in to stroke against mine. He moaned, pulling his hands away from my face to press against my lower back and compress my breasts against his hard body.

  Oh. My. God.

  It felt amazing, and I didn’t want to stop.

  Again, logic vanished when Ryder wedged a leg between my thighs, and combined with the way he devoured my mouth, I was sure he could have me climaxing sooner than later.

  My embarrassing enthusiasm spurred him to skim his hands from my lower back until they rested at my sides, beneath my breasts.

  “Ree,” he breathed into my mouth. “I’ve craved you for so long. I can’t believe I have you back.” His voice was raw and breathy. He stared at me before resuming right where he left off.

  Utilizing the one brain cell in my head that he hadn’t made stupid, I pulled away and rasped through heavy breaths, “We have to stop.” My hands went from gripping the smooth cotton fabric of his shirt to pushing against the muscles that hid beneath it.

  Ryder’s mouth hung open as he blinked a few times. It took a moment for him to come to his senses before he said, “You’re right. I guess that was the opposite of taking it slow.” Assuming my demand came from geography, Ryder scanned the beach, where others enjoyed the pleasant Floridian temperature. “I’d rather be somewhere in private when I remind you how good we are together.”

  “No, Ryder. I can’t do this… not here, not anywhere else.”

  My harsh admission caused a switch to flip in him as he nodded and released me. With those words, I seemed to have killed the determination he had held on to all evening. “Okay. I’ll back off. It won’t happen again.”

  And with those words, as my lips tingled from the loss of his, I had to bite back from retracting my statement.

  Chapter Eight

  Ryder

  Fuck.

  Despite knowing we weren’t on the same page, I thought we had made progress. Even though she friend zoned me, her body had responded… no, she had responded to that kiss. I felt it. She was right there with me. Granted, we were on an active beach as couples milled around us, enjoying the comfortable evening. Apparently, based on her statement, location wasn’t even the issue. But something stopped her from succumbing to our renewed desires. Sooner or later, I’d find out why she needed to keep me at arm’s length, though.

  “I don’t mean… I just…” Struggling with what to say, she gave up and instead released a frustrated sigh before she looked up at me with those big brown eyes. “You must think I’ve lost my mind.”

  My arms ached to pull her back into my hold. But I refrained and simply shook my head. “I don’t think that, Ree. I do think something is messing with your head. Whatever it is, you don’t have to hide it from me. I’m here however you need me to be.”

  That same internal battle that I’d seen all night was back, revealed by her tormented expression. I hated seeing it.

  Surprisingly, she took my hand. “I know. Thank you. I just need you to
be patient with me.”

  “I can do that.” Placing a soft kiss on her knuckles before she pulled away, which she did the moment she could, I then scooped up our shoes and her bag. “Let’s find somewhere to sit and enjoy this fantastic night. I’m in the mood for ice cream.”

  “That sounds nice.”

  We trekked back the way we’d come, dusted off the sand, and found an ice-cream parlor a block away. With our sweet treats in hand, we then settled on a stone bench facing the beach.

  When I saw her eyeing my massive cone while shaking her head, I asked, “Want a taste?”

  She scrunched up her nose as she stared at my brown sugar bacon confection. “Definitely not.” Riana always went for the safe bets—vanilla, chocolate, maybe strawberry. The most adventurous she’d get was rocky road. I, on the other hand, always chose the weirdest combination I could find. “That looks vile. Besides, I don’t eat meat.”

  “You used to eat meat,” I shot back with a wink. Suppressing a laugh, I added, “Regarding bacon, you shouldn’t knock it unless you try it.” Her eyes homed in on my tongue swiping across the bulbous ball before she looked away. “It’s really yummy.”

  “So is mine.” In a retaliation of sorts, she scooped some of her vanilla caramel swirl on the small plastic paddle and made a ceremony of sliding it into her mouth. Same as she had, my eyes now homed in on her tongue poking out to lick her lips. Maybe ice cream wasn’t the smartest idea. Especially when I’d been aching for her all night, and watching her now made me desperately want to sample that flavor off her tongue.

  Instead, I avoided her tormenting me and focused on the ebb and flow of the dark surf. Whether she was aware of my struggles, she didn’t let on.

  While we enjoyed our desserts, we chatted about benign topics such as my client list and her being let go from Angels on Earth. “That’s when I decided to really take the leap and come down here,” she admitted.

  “I know it’s only been a week, but how are you liking Florida?”

  “So far, I like it. I’m really loving not freezing my butt off during a run.”

  Riana had always been so disciplined with her running regimen. While I preferred working out in a gym during the winter months, she’d suit up in her high-tech winter armor and run for miles along the beach. When the weather cooperated, we’d run together, sparking a visual of us doing the same here in Fort Lauderdale.

  “I get that. Same happened with me in California. It’s hard to miss the frigid northeast temperatures when you can wander outside in shorts and a T-shirt practically year round.”

  We moved on to the new apartment she’d found and when she’d be moving in. “If you need any help unpacking, I’m at your service.”

  “Oh, it’s all been handled by”—she halted and twisted her attention to the beach—“um… it’s taken care of. But thank you.”

  There it was again, that evasiveness that kept creeping up to the surface. “Okay, offer still stands if anything changes.”

  I waited for something, anything, and instead got, “How do you like being in Miami?”

  “It took some getting used to. I’m liking it more now. I’d rather be here in Fort Lauderdale.”

  Missing my innuendo, she smiled. “That’s great.” Ugh, this woman. There seemed to be two Rianas. The one who kept a force field around her, and the one I knew well, who was buried inside and at times tried to claw her way out.

  Once conversation began to lag, I felt the need to put her out of her misery. “Ready to head back?” Again, I had to hope it wasn’t me who’d put her there.

  “Yeah.” Her mouth said one thing, but her eyes said something entirely different. The short walk back to the restaurant’s valet was silent. It wasn’t until I handed my ticket to the attendee that she spoke. “I feel like I ruined our evening.”

  “You didn’t ruin it. I had a great time.” One sculpted brow rose in doubt. “Honest.”

  “Okay… and for the record, I did too. It was great catching up.”

  By the time we were heading to the hotel, she seemed to have relaxed a bit. And once I pulled up to the main entrance, she turned in her seat and finally smiled at me.

  “I really did have a nice time tonight, Ryder.”

  “I did too.” So much to say sat on the tip of my tongue, nailing down another date with her, for one. But I chose not to. Oh, I had no doubt I would be seeing her again, and soon. What I chose to say instead would hopefully stay with her in a more meaningful way than just ironing out plans.

  Taking her hand in mine, I kissed the inside of her wrist, something I did often when we were together. I lingered a bit while getting my fill of her smooth warm skin, that vanilla scent she always favored. When I pulled away, I stared into her eyes and held her attention before saying, “For the record, I’m not going away unless you tell me to leave you alone.”

  “I don’t want you to go away,” she said so softly I barely heard her. “I just need time.”

  “And during that time, we can’t see each other?”

  “It’s too hard for me.” As my brows shot up in disbelief, she squeezed my hand. “Not because of you or anything you did. It’s just hard to not want to slip back into who I was when we were together, and I can’t do that right now.”

  It felt like she was talking in tongues, and the only glimmer of hope I had that one day she would come back to me was in the way her grip tightened, her eyes pleaded, and her chest rose and fell with each labored breath.

  I held on to that and nodded. “Okay. However long whatever you are going through takes, promise me one thing?” Her eyes shimmered with emotion as she nodded. “You give me a chance to argue my case before you make any decisions regarding us.”

  “I promise,” she easily said before slipping her hand from mine. There was something else she wanted to say; I could tell. She didn’t and instead offered another perfunctory smile. “Good night, Ryder.” With one last longing glance, she opened her door, slipped out, and hurried into the hotel’s lobby.

  I sat staring at her until she disappeared from my view, and then sat hashing and rehashing our entire night. If she hadn’t just promised what she had, that goodbye would have felt like a final one. I had to trust our foundation was enough to bring her around. Whether it was in a way I wanted, or in a way that would erase her from my life, would remain to be seen.

  The end of my night ended up nothing like what I’d imagined it to be. When I’d set out to pick Riana up, I stupidly assumed—arrogantly assumed—that come the end of our night we would’ve been back together. I had gone as far as imagining having her again for the first time in years, reacquainting my lips with every inch of her body, waking with her in my arms.

  Instead, there I was pacing my apartment with a bourbon in hand, trying to figure out what could be preventing her from being with me. Overthinking every word, every physical reaction, every meaningful look she gave me caused a restless night.

  Come morning, the first thing I did was call Wes. We’d met years ago in New York when he’d flubbed an interview with me and then begged me for another chance. I gave him that opportunity and have been stuck with him since. He had followed me to California and then to Florida. All kidding aside, the man was so much more than my assistant; he was a great friend… normally.

  However, at that moment, I wanted to kill him.

  “Shit, what time is it, dude?” he asked groggily over the phone.

  Ignoring him, I barked, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Tell you what?” he whispered before I heard a door click shut. He was with someone, and I didn’t give a shit.

  “That you saw Ree… bought her a fucking coffee? Told her I was engaged!” The silence that came as a response meant he was busted. “Seriously? You knew how hard it was to get over her.”

  “Exactly,” he finally spoke in a normal tone. “At that time, you finally seemed happy with Diane and—”

  “She wasn’t Ree.”

  “Still, you moved on.
Riana had, and you needed to. Shit, Ryder, you were a mess after coming back from that damn trip without her. You were so convinced you’d get her back, and when you didn’t, you lost your mind.”

  “Don’t throw that in my face. I was drunk.” I’d taken one day and said fuck it all to hell. It wasn’t my finest moment.

  “Come on, Ryder. I’m not talking about the drunken binge. For months, you’d snap anyone’s head off if they so much as looked at you sideways. I knew if I told you that I saw Riana, you’d get into your own head again… maybe fuck up a good thing with Diane, or worse, quit your job and run right back to her.”

  “Diane fucked things up with Diane.” And then something occurred to me. “Wait… did you know Riana was single?” Silence. This fucker. Riana having a boyfriend was the only reason I had moved on in the first place. He was right… knowing she was single would’ve abso-fucking-lutely stopped me from starting a relationship with Diane, and most definitely from thinking of proposing to her. “You should’ve told me, Wes!”

  “It wouldn’t have done a damn bit of good, Ryder.” I heard him guzzle something noisily over the phone. “You should thank me. Look at you now. You ran into her for all of five minutes, and you’re already foaming at the mouth.”

  “So the fuck what? Why shouldn’t I try to get back the one woman I ever loved?”

  “You loved Diane.”

  “Not like I loved Ree.” All I heard was a rush of air. “You can think this is a bad idea all you want, Wes… I don’t agree.”

  I kept to myself how skittish Riana had been last night, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew whatever caused it could be fixed. Maybe not tomorrow, or even next week, but eventually I would have Riana back in my life the way I wanted her to be.

  Until he threw a fucking dart at my logic by quietly asking, “And if you get transferred again?” It was my turn to remain silent. Taking the opportunity, he continued, “You know it can happen, Ryder. And then again after that, and again after that. It’s the nature of our business. Athletes move around, and you follow. You yourself said the next person you end up with must be okay with your reality. Don’t you think you should be sure Riana will be on board with that plan before you jump back in with two feet?”