Hit Or Myth m-4

by Robert Asprin

  One more mind pass, and my comrades stood exposed as the outworlders they were.

  Queen Hemlock, unaccustomed to my dealings with demons, dropped into her seat with a small gasp. The King simply scowled as he realized the real reason for the presence of my friends.

  "Your Majesties," Badaxe said, stepping forward. "I am sworn to protect the throne and would willingly lay down my life in your defense. I do not see a physical threat here, however. If anything, it occurs to me both throne and kingdom would be strengthened if the Great Skeeve's words were heard and heeded."

  "I am not a fighting man," Grimble said, joining Badaxe, "so my duty here is passive. I must add, though, that I also feel the Lord Magician's words have merit and should be said to every ruler." His eyes narrowed and he turned to face me. "I challenge, though, whether they should be said by a retainer to the court. One of our first duties is to show respect to the throne, in word and manner."

  "That much we agree on, Grimble," Badaxe nodded, adding his glare to the many focused on me.

  "Strange as it may sound," I said, "I agree, too. For that reason, I am hereby tendering my resignation as Court Magician of Possiltum. The kingdom is now secure militarily and financially, and in my opinion there is no point in it bearing the expense of a full-time magician … especially one who has been insolent to the throne. There is no need to discuss severance pay. The King's reward for my last assignment, coupled with the monies I have already received from the Exchequer, will serve my needs adequately. I will simply gather my things and depart."

  I saw Grimble blanch slightly when he realized that I would not be returning his bribe. I had faith in his ability to hide anything in his stacks of numbered sheets, though.

  With only the slightest of nods to the throne, I gathered my entourage with my eyes and left.

  Everything had gone perfectly. I couldn't have asked for the proceedings to have turned out better. As such, I was puzzled as to why I was sweat-drenched and shaking like a leaf by the time I reached my own quarters.

  Chapter Fourteen

  "Some farewells are easier than others."

  -P. MARLOWE

  "So, where do you go from here?" Tananda asked.

  She and Chumly were helping me pack. We had all agreed that having incurred the combined wrath of the King and Queen, it would be wisest to delay my departure as little as possible. Massha was off seeing to Gleep and Buttercup as well as saying her goodbyes to Badaxe.

  "I don't really know," I admitted. "I was serious when I said I had accumulated enough wealth for a while. I'll probably hole up someplace and practice my magic for a while… maybe at that inn Aahz and I used to use as a home base."

  "I say, why don't you tag along with little sister and me?" Chumly suggested. "We usually operate out of the Bazaar at Deva. It wouldn't be a bad place for you to keep your hand in, magik-wise."

  It flashed through my mind that the Mob must have started its infiltration of the Bazaar by now. It also occurred to me that, in the pre-wedding rush, I hadn't told Tananda or Chumly about that particular portion of the caper. Having remembered, I found myself reluctant to admit my responsibility for what they'd find on their return.

  "I dunno, Chumly," I hedged. "You two travel pretty light. I've got so much stuff, I'd probably be better off settling down somewhere permanent."

  It was a pretty weak argument, but the troll seemed to accept it… maybe because he could see that mountain of gear we were accumulating, trying to clear my quarters.

  "Well, think it over. We'd be glad to have you.

  You're not a bad sort to have around in a tight spot."

  "I'll say." Tananda agreed with a laugh. "Where did you find those rings, anyway?"

  "Bought them from a street vendor at the Bazaar."

  "On Deva?" Chumly said with a frown. "Two spelled rings like that must have set you back a pretty penny. Are you sure you have enough money left?"

  Now it was my turn to laugh.

  "First of all, they aren't spelled. That was just a bluff I was running on their royal majesties. The rings are plain junk jewelry … and I got them for free."

  "Free?"

  Now Tananda was frowning.

  "Nobody gets anything for free at the Bazaar."

  "No, really. They were free… well, the vendor did get my permission to say that I use his wares, but that's the same as free, isn't it? I mean, I didn't pay him any money."

  As I spoke, I found myself suddenly uncertain of my "good deal." One of my earliest lessons about dealing with Deveels was "If you think you've made a good deal with a Deveel, first count your fingers, then your limbs, then your relatives…"

  "Permission to use your name?" Tananda echoed. "For two lousy rings? No percentage or anything? Didn't Aahz ever teach you about endorsements?"

  There was a soft BAMPH in the air.

  "Is someone taking my name in vain?"

  And Aahz was there, every green scaly inch of him, making his entrance as casually as if he had just stepped out.

  Of the three of us, I was the first to recover from my surprise. Well, at least I found my voice.

  "Aahz!"

  "Hi, kid. Miss me?"

  "But, Aahz!"

  I didn't know if I should laugh or cry. What I really wanted to do was embrace him and never let go. Of course, now that he was back, I would do no such thing. I mean, our relationship had never been big in the emotional displays department.

  "What's the matter with everybody?" my mentor demanded. "You all act like you never expected to see me again."

  "We… Aahz! I…"

  "We didn't," Tananda said flatly, saving me from making an even bigger fool of myself.

  "What little sister means," Chumly put in, "is that it was our belief that your nephew, Rupert, had no intention of letting you return from Perv."

  Aahz gave a derisive snort.

  "Rupert? That upstart? Don't tell me anybody takes him seriously."

  "Well, maybe not if "your powers were in full force," Tananda said, "but as things are…"

  "Rupert?" Aahz repeated. "You two have known me a long time, right? Then you should get it through your heads that nobody holds me against my will."

  Somehow that quote sounded familiar. Still, I was so glad to have Aahz back, I would have agreed to anything just then.

  "Yeah!" I chimed in eagerly. "This is Aahz! Nobody pushes him around."

  "There!" my mentor grinned. "As much as I hate to agree with a mere apprentice, the kid knows what he's talking about… this time."

  Chumly and Tananda looked at each other with that special gaze that brother and sister use to communicate non-verbally. "You know, big brother," Tananda said, "this mutual admiration society is getting a bit much for my stomach. How about you?"

  "Actually," the troll responded. "I wasn't hearing all that much mutual admiration. Somehow the phrase 'mere apprentice' sticks in my mind."

  "Oh, come on, you two," Aahz waved. "Get real, huh? I mean, we all like the kid, but we also know he's a trouble magnet. I've never met anyone who needs looking after as badly as he does. Speaking of which …"

  He turned his yellow eyes on me with that speculative look of his.

  "… I notice you're both here… and I definitely heard my name as I phased in. What I need more than fond 'hellos' is a quick update as to exactly what kind of a mess we have to bail the Great Skeeve out of this time." I braced myself for a quick but loud lesson about "endorsements," whatever that was, but the troll surprised me.

  "No mess," he said, leaning back casually. "Little sister and I just dropped by for a visit. In fact, we were just getting ready to leave."

  "Really?" my mentor sounded both surprised and suspicious. "Just a visit? No trouble?"

  "Well, there was a little trouble," Tananda admitted. "Something to do with the King…"

  "I knew it!" Aahz chortled, rubbing his hands together.

  "… But Skeeve here handled it himself," she finished pointedly. "Currently, there are
no problems at all."

  "Oh."

  Strangely, Aahz seemed a bit disappointed.

  "Well, I guess I owe you two some thanks, then. I really appreciate your watching over Skeeve here while I was gone. He can…"

  "I don't think you're listening, Aahz," Chumly said, looking at the ceiling. "Skeeve handled the trouble. We just watched."

  "Oh, we would have pitched in if things got tight," Tananda supplied. "You know, the way we do for you, Aahz. As it turned out, we weren't needed. Your 'mere apprentice' was more than equal to the task."

  "Finished the job rather neatly, you know?" the troll added. "In fact, I'm hard pressed to recall when I've seen a nasty situation dealt with as smoothly or with as little fuss."

  "All right, all right," Aahz grimaced. "I get the message. You can fill me in on the details later. Right now, the kid and I have some big things to discuss… and I mean big."

  "Like what?" I frowned.

  "Well, I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I figure it's about time we left Possiltum and moved on." "Um. Aahz?" I said.

  "I know, I know," he waved. "You think you need practice. You do, but you've come a long way. This whole thing with the trouble you handled only proves my point. You're ready to…"

  "Aahz?"

  "All right. I know you've got friends and duties here, but eventually you have to leave the nest. You'll just have to trust my judgment and experience to know when the time is right to…"

  "I've already quit!"

  Aahz stopped in midsentence and stared at me. "You have?" he blinked.

  I nodded and pointed at the pile of gear we had been packing. He studied it for a moment as if he didn't believe what he was seeing.

  "Oh," he said at last. "Oh well, in that case, I'll just duck over to talk to Grimble and discuss your severance pay. He's a tight-fisted bird, but if I can't shake five hundred out of him, I'll know the reason why." "I know the reason why," I said carefully. Aahz rolled his eyes.

  "Look, kid. This is my field of expertise, remember? If you go into a bargaining session aiming low, they'll walk all over you. You've got to…" "I've already negotiated for a thousand!" This time, Aahz's "freeze" was longer… and he didn't look at me. "A thousand?" he said finally. "In gold?" "Plus a hefty bonus from the King himself," Tananda supplied helpfully.

  "We've been trying to tell you, Aahz old boy," Chumly smiled. "Skeeve here has been doing just fine without you." "I see."

  Aahz turned away and stared silently out the window. I'll admit to being a bit disappointed. I mean, maybe I hadn't done a first-rate job, but a little bit of congratulations would have been nice. The way my mentor was acting, you'd think he…

  Then it hit me. Like a runaway war-chariot it hit me. Aahz was jealous! More than that, he was hurt!

  I could see it now with crystal clarity. Up until now I had been blinded by Aahz's arrogant self-confidence, but suddenly the veil was parted. Aahz's escape from Perv wasn't nearly as easy as he was letting on. There had been a brawl-physical, verbal, or magikal-some hard feelings, and some heavy promises made or broken. He had forced his way back to Klah with one thing on his mind: his apprentice… his favorite apprentice, was in trouble. Upon returning, what was his reception? Not only was I not in trouble, for all appearances, I was doing better without him!

  Tananda and Chumly were still at it, merrily chattering back and forth about how great I was. While I appreciated their support, I wished desperately I could think of a way of getting it through to them that what they were really doing was twisting a knife in Aahz.

  "Umm… Aahz?" I interrupted. "When you've got a minute, there are a few things I need your advice on."

  "Like what?" came the muffled response. "From the sound of things, you don't need anybody, much less a teacher with no powers of his own."

  Tananda caught it immediately. Her gadfly manner dropped away like a mask and she signaled desperately to Chumly. The troll was not insensitive, though. His reaction was to catch my eye with a pleading gaze.

  It was up to me. Terrific.

  "Well, like… um."

  And Massha exploded into the room.

  "Everything's ready downstairs, hot stuff, and… oh! Hi there, green and scaly. Thought you were gone for good."

  Aahz spun around, his eyes wide.

  "Massha?" he stammered. "What are you doing here?"

  "Didn't the man of the hour here tell you?" she smiled, batting her expansive eyelashes. "I'm his new apprentice."

  "Apprentice?" Aahz echoed, his old fire creeping into his voice.

  "Um… that's one of the things I wanted to talk to you about, Aahz," I smiled meekly.

  "Apprentice?" he repeated, as if he hadn't heard. "Kid, you and I have got to talk … NOW!"

  "Okay, Aahz. As soon as I…"

  "Now!"

  Yep. Aahz was back.

  "Um, if you'll excuse us, folks, Aahz and I have to…"

  For the second time, there was a BAMPH in the room.

  This one was louder, which was understandable, as there were more beings involved. Specifically, there were now four Deveels standing in the room… and they didn't look happy.

  "We seek the Great Skeeve," one of them boomed.

  My heart sank. Could my involvement with the Mob have been discovered so fast?

  "Who's asking?"

  Aahz casually placed his bulk between me and the intruders. Tananda and Chumly were also on their feet, and Massha was edging sideways to get a clear field of fire. Terrific. All I needed to complete my day was to have my friends soap up the trouble I had started.

  "We are here representing the merchants of the Bazaar on the Deva, seeking an audience with the Great Skeeve."

  "About what?" my mentor challenged.

  The Deveel fixed him with an icy glare.

  "We seek the Great Skeeve, not idle chit-chat with a Pervert."

  "Well, this particular Pervert happens to be the Great Skeeve's business manager, and he doesn't waste his time with Deveels unless I clear them."

  I almost said something, but changed my mind. Concerned or not, this was not the time to take a conversation away from Aahz.

  The Deveel hesitated, then shrugged.

  "There is a new difficult at the Bazaar," he said. "A group of organized criminals has gained access to our dimension threatening to disrupt the normal flow of business unless they are paid a percentage of our profits."

  Tananda and Chumly exchanged glances, while Massha raised an eyebrow at me. I studied the ceiling with extreme care. Aahz alone was unruffled.

  "Tough. So what does that have to do with the Great Skeeve?" he demanded.

  Anticipating the answer, I tried to decide whether I should fight or run.

  "Isn't it obvious?" the Deveel frowned. "We wish to retain his services to combat this threat. From what we can tell, he's the only magician around up to the job."

  That one stopped me. Of all the strange turns events could have taken, this had to be the most unanticipated and … well, bizarre!

  "I see," Aahz murmured, a nasty gleam in his eye. "You realize, of course, that the Great Skeeve's time is valuable and that such a massive undertaking would require equally massive remuneration?"

  Every alarm in my system went off.

  "Um …ahz?"

  "Shut up, k… I mean, be patient. Master Skeeve. This matter should be settled in a moment."

  I couldn't watch.

  Instead, I went to the window and stared out. Listening over my shoulder, I heard Aahz name an astronomical figure, and realized there might be a way out of this yet. If Aahz was greedy enough, and the Deveels stingy enough…

  "Done!" said the spokesman.

  "… Of course, that's only an advance," Aahz pressed. "A full rendering will have to wait until the job is completed."

  "Done," came the reply.

  "… And that is the fee only. Expenses will be reimbursed separately."

  "Done! The advance will be awaiting your arrival.

&
nbsp; Anything else?"

  In tribute to the Deveel's generosity, Aahz was unable to think of any other considerations to gouge out of them. There was another BAMPH, and the delegation was gone.

  "How about that!" Aahz crowed. "I finally put one over on the Deveels!"

  "What's that thing you always say about anyone who thinks they've gotten a good deal from a Deveel, Aahz?" Tananda asked sweetly.

  "Later," my mentor ordered. "Right now we've got to get our things together and pop over to the Bazaar to scout the opposition."

  "We already know what the opposition is."

  "How's that, kid?"

  I turned to face him.

  "The opposition is the Mob. You remember, the organized crime group that was sponsoring Big Julie's army?" A frown crossed Aahz's face as he regarded me closely,

  "And how did you come by that little tidbit of information, if I may ask?"

  I regarded him right back.

  "That's the other little thing I wanted your advice on."

  Chapter Fifteen

  "In a war against organized crime, survived is a proposition."

  -M. BOLAN

  "Now let me see if I've got this right," Aahz scowled, pacing back and forth in front of our worried gazes. "What we've got to do is keep the Mob from taking over the Bazaar, without letting them know we're opposing them or the Deveels know we were the ones who loosed the Mob on the Bazaar in the first place. Right?"

  "You can do it, Aahz," I urged eagerly.

  This time, it required no false enthusiasm on my part. While I had done an adequate job operating on my own, when it came to premeditated deviousness, I was quick to acknowledge my master. There might be someone out there in the multitude of dimensions better than Aahz at finding under-handed ways out of dilemmas, but I haven't met them yet.

  "Of course I can do it," my mentor responded with a confident wink. "I just want everyone to admit it isn't going to be easy. All this talk about the Great Skeeve has made me a little insecure."

  "A little?" Tananda smirked.