Hit Or Myth m-4

by Robert Asprin

  "I think it's a bit of all right," Chumly said, nudging his sister with an elbow. "I've always heard how formidable Aahz is when he swings into action. I, for one, am dying to see him handle this rather sticky situation all by himself." Aahz's shoulders sagged slightly as he heaved a small sigh.

  "Whoa! Stop! Perhaps in my enthusiasm I overspoke. What I meant to say is that my slimy but agile mind can provide a plan to pull off this assignment. Of course, the execution of said plan will rely upon abilities and goodwill of my worthy colleagues. Is that better, Chumly?"

  "Quite," the troll nodded.

  "Now that that's settled," Gus interrupted impatiently, "can we get on with it? This is my place of business, you know, and the longer I keep the place closed, the more money I lose."

  For those of you who missed the earlier references, Gus is a gargoyle. He is also the owner/proprietor of the Yellow Crescent Inn, the Bazaar's leading fast-food establishment and our current field headquarters. Like Chumly and Tananda, he's helped me out of a couple scrapes in the past and, as soon as he heard about our current crisis, volunteered again. Like anyone who earns their living at the Bazaar, however, he habitually keeps one eye on the cash register. Even though he had closed his doors to give us a base of operations for the upcoming campaign, there was still a reflexive bristling over missed profits.

  An idea struck me.

  "Relax, Gus," I ordered. "Come up with a daily figure for your normal trade, bump it for a decent profit, and we'll reimburse you when this thing's over."

  "What!" my mentor screeched, losing momentary control. "Are you out of your mind, kid? Who do you think is paying for this, anyway?"

  "The merchants of Deva," I answered calmly. "We're on an expense account, remember? I think renting a place while we're on assignment isn't an unreasonable expense, do you?"

  "Oh. Right. Sorry, Gus. Old reflexes."

  Aahz's confusion was momentary. Then his eyes narrowed thoughtfully.

  "In fact, if we put all of you on retainer, your help will fall under the heading of 'consultant fees' and never come near our own profits. I like it."

  "Before you get too carried away," Tananda put in quickly, "I think big brother and I would rather work for a piece of the action than on a flat fee."

  "But, honey," Massha blinked, "You haven't even heard his plan yet. What makes you think a percentage will net you more than a fee?… just between us girls?"

  "Just between us girls," Tananda winked, "you've never worked with Aahz before. I have, and while he may not be the pleasantest being to team with, I have unshakeable faith in his profit margins."

  "Now that we're on the subject," Aahz said, staring hard at Massha, "we never have worked together before, so let's get the rules straight early on. I've got my own style, see, and it usually doesn't allow much time for 'please' and 'thank you' and explanations. As long as you do what you're told, when you're told, we'll get along fine. Right?"

  "Wrong!"

  My reply popped out before Massha could form her own response. I was vaguely aware that the room had gotten very quiet, but most of my attention was on Aahz as he slowly cranked his head around to lock gazes with me.

  "Now look, kid…" he began dangerously.

  "No, you look, Aahz," I exploded. "I may be your apprentice, but Massha is mine. Now if she wants to dump that agreement and sign on with you, fine and dandy. But until she does, she's my student and my responsibility. If you think she can help, then you suggest it to me and I decide whether she's up to it. There's one lesson you've drummed into my head over and over, mentor mine, whether you meant to or not. Nobody leans on your apprentice but you… nobody! If you didn't want to teach that lesson, then maybe you'd better be more careful with the example you set the next time you take on an apprentice."

  "I see," Aahz murmured softly. "Getting pretty big for your britches, aren't you, kid?"

  "Not really. I'm very much aware of how little I know, thank you. But this is my assignment, or at least it was accepted in my name, and I mean to give it my best shot… however inadequate that might be. Now for that assignment, I need your help, Aahz… heck, I'll always probably need your help. You're my teacher and I've got a lot to learn. But, I'm not going to roll over and die without it. If getting your help means turning my assignment and my apprentice over to you, then forget it. I'll just have to try to handle things without you."

  "You'll get your brains beat out."

  "Maybe. I didn't say I'd win, just that I'd try my best. You bring out my best, Aahz. You push me into things that scare me, but so far I've muddled through somehow. I need your help, but I don't have to have it. Even if you don't want to admit it to me, I think you should admit it to yourself."

  With that, we both lapsed into silence.

  Me, I couldn't think of anything else to say. Up until now, I had been carried along by my anger and Aahz's responses. All of a sudden, my mentor wasn't responding. Instead, he stared at me with expressionless yellow eyes, not saying a thing.

  It was more than a little unnerving. If there is one characteristic of Aahz's I could always count on, it was that he was expressive. Whether with facial expression, gestures, grunts, or verbal explosions, my mentor usually let everyone in the near vicinity know what he felt or thought about any event or opinion expressed. Right now, though, I didn't know if he was about to explode or just walk away.

  I began having regrets over instigating this confrontation. Then I toughened up. What I had said was right and needed to be said. It flashed across my mind that I could lose Aahz over this argument. My resolve wavered. Right or not, I could have said it better… gentler. At least I could have picked a time when all our friends weren't watching and listening. Maybe…

  Aahz turned away abruptly, shifting his stance to face Tananda and Chumly.

  "Now I'm ready to believe you two," he announced. "The kid here really did handle that mess on Klah all by himself, didn't he?"

  "That's what we've been trying to tell you, old boy," the troll winked. "Your apprentice is growing up, and seems to us more than capable of standing on his own two feet lately."

  "Yeah, I noticed."

  He looked at me again, and this time his eyes were expressive. I didn't recognize the expression, but at least there was one.

  "Kid… Skeeve," he said. "If I've ever wondered why I bothered taking you under my wing, you just gave me the answer. Thanks."

  "Um… Thanks. I mean, you're welcome. No. I mean…"

  As always, I was very glib in the face of the unexpected. I had gotten used to weathering Aahz's tirades, but this I didn't know how to handle. Fortunately my pet came to my rescue.

  "Gleep?" he queried, shaking his head in through the door.

  "… But if you take anything I've showed you, I mean spell one, and teach it to that dragon," my mentor roared, "you and I are going to go a couple rounds. Do we understand each other, apprentice?"

  "Yes, Aahz."

  Actually, I didn't. Still, this didn't seem like the time to call for a clarification.

  "Butt out, Gleep," I ordered. "Go play with Buttercup or something."

  "Gleep!" and my dragon's head was gone as fast as it had appeared.

  "Say, hot stuff," Massha drawled. "As much as I appreciate your standing up for me, I'm kinda curious to hear what Big Green has for a plan."

  "Right!" I nodded, glad to be off the hot seat. "Sorry, Aahz, I didn't mean to interrupt. What's the plan?"

  "Well, first," Aahz said, taking his accustomed place as center of attention once more, "I've got a question for Gus. What's the Mob been doing so far to move in?"

  "Judging from what I heard," the gargoyle responded, "a bunch of them move in on a merchant and offer to sell him some 'insurance.' You know, 'pay us so much of your revenue and nothing happens to your business.' If anyone's slow to sign up, they arrange a small demonstration of what could go wrong: some 'accidental' breaking of stock or a couple plug-uglies standing outside hassling customers. So far it's been effect
ive. Deveels don't like to lose business."

  "Good," my mentor grinned, showing every last one of his numerous pointed teeth. "Then we can beat them."

  "How?"

  If nothing else, I've gotten quite good at feeding Aahz straight lines.

  "Easy. Just ask yourselves this: If you were a Deveel and paid the Mob to protect your business, and things started going wrong anyway, what would you do?"

  "I can answer that one," Massha said. "I'd either demand better protection, scream for my money back, or both."

  "I don't get it," I frowned. "What's going to happen to a Mob-protected business?"

  "We are," Aahz grinned.

  "What our strategist is trying to say," Chumly supplied, "is that the best defense is a good offense. Not terribly original, but effective nonetheless."

  "You're darn right it's effective," my mentor exclaimed. "Instead of us defending against the Mob, we're going to start a crime wave right here at the Bazaar. Then let's see how good the Mob is at defending against us!"

  Chapter Sixteen

  "It's always easier to destroy than to create."

  -ANY GENERAL, ANY ARMY, ANY AGE.

  "HEY, Guido! How's it going?"

  The big bodyguard spun around, scanning the crowd to see who had hailed him by name. When he saw me, his face brightened.

  "Mister Skeeve!"

  "Never expected to run into you here!" I lied.

  From Gus's description, I had known that both Guido and his cousin Nunzio were part of the Mob's contingent at the Bazaar. This "chance meeting" was the result of nearly half a day's worth of searching and following rumors.

  "What are you doing here?" he asked confidentially. "Shopping for a few little items to wow 'em with back at Possiltum?"

  "Just taking a bit of a vacation. That new queen and I don't get along so well. I thought things might ease up if I disappeared for a while."

  "Too bad. If you was shoppin', I could line you up with some 'special deals,' if you know what I mean."

  "You guys are really moving in, then?" I marveled.

  "How is it going? Any problems?"

  "Naw," the bodyguard bragged, puffing out his chest. "You was right. These Deveels are like shopkeepers anywhere. Lean on 'em a little and they fall in line."

  "Don't tell me you're handling this all by yourself! I mean I know you're good, but…"

  "Are you kiddin'? I'm an executive now… well, at least a team leader. Both Nunzio and me have a dozen men to order around, courtesy of our 'extensive knowledge of the Bazaar.' Pretty good, huh?"

  "You mean you're running the whole operation?"

  "That's Shai-ster's job. Me and Nunzio report to him, but it's us gives the orders to the boys."

  I looked around expectantly.

  "Is your team around? I'd like to meet them."

  "Naw. We worked this area a couple days ago. I'm on my way to meet 'em and give out today's assignments. We're going after the area by the livestock pens today."

  "How about Nunzio's team?"

  "They're about three hours west of here. You know, this is a really big place!"

  I put on my most disappointed face.

  "Too bad, I would have liked to have met some of the ones who do the real work."

  "Tell ya' what," Guido exclaimed, "why don't you drop by Fat's Spaghetti Parlor sometimes? That's where we're all hanging out. If we're not there, they can tell you where we are."

  "I'll do that. Well, don't work too hard… and be careful. These guys can be meaner than they look."

  "Piece of cake," he laughed as he headed off.

  I was still waving merrily at his retreating figure as the rest of my "gang" faded out of the crowd around me.

  "Did you get all that?" I asked out of the corner of my mouth.

  "Two teams, neither one in this area. Shai-ster's running the show and therefore holding the bag," Tananda recited. "This area is both clear and under protection."

  "Fat's Spaghetti Parlor is their headquarters, which is where we can find Shai-ster," Chumly completed. "Anything else?"

  "Yeah," Aahz grinned. "Skeeve has a standing invite to drop by, and when he does, they're ready to tell him which team is working what area that day. Nice work."

  "Lucky," I admitted with no embarrassment. "Well, shall we start?"

  "Right," Aahz nodded. "Just like we planned, Tananda and Chumly are a team. Gus, you're with me. Skeeve and Massha, you start here. We all move out in different directions and space our hits so there's no pattern. Okay?"

  "One more thing," I added. "Keep an eye on your disguises. I'm not sure of the exact range I can hold that spell at. If your disguise starts to fade, change direction to parallel mine."

  "We meet back at the Yellow Crescent Inn," Gus finished. "And all of you watch your backs. I don't stock that much first aid gear."

  "Good thought," I said. "Okay. Enough talk. Let's scatter and start giving the Mob a headache."

  The other two teams had melted into the crowd of shoppers before I had even turned to Massha.

  "Well, anything catch your eye for us to have a go at?"

  "You know. you're starting to sound a bit like that troll."

  That sounded a bit more abrupt than was Massha's normal style. I studied her curiously.

  "Something bothering you?"

  "Just a little nervous, I guess," she admitted. "Has it occurred to you all this plan has a major flaw? That to implement it potentially means getting the entire Bazaar after us, as well as the Mob?"

  "Yes, it has."

  "Doesn't it scare you?"

  "Yes, it does."

  "Well, how do you handle it?"

  "By thinking about it as little possible," I said flatly. "Look, apprentice, aside from doing shtick in court for the amusement of the masses, this profession of ours is pretty dangerous. If we start dwelling on everything that can go wrong in the future, we'll either never move or blunder headlong into the present because our minds aren't on what we're doing right now. I try to be aware of the potential danger of a situation, but I don't worry about trouble until it happens. It's a little shaky, but it's worked so far."

  "If you say so," she sighed. "Oh, well, gear me up and let's get started."

  With a pass of my mind, I altered her features. Instead of being a massive woman, she was now a massive man… sort of. I had been experimenting with color lately, so I made her purple with reddish sideburns that ran all the way down her arms to her knuckles. Add some claw-like horns at the points of the ears and rough-textured, leathery skin on the face and hands, and you had a being I wouldn't want to mess with.

  "Interesting," Massha grimaced, surveying what she could see of herself. "Did you make this up yourself, or is there a nasty dimension I haven't visited yet?"

  "My own creation," I admitted. "The reputation you're going to build I wouldn't wish on any dimension I know of. Call it a Hoozit from the dimension Hoo."

  "Who?"

  "You've got it."

  She rolled her eyes in exasperation.

  "Hot stuff, do me a favor and only teach me magik, okay? Keep your sense of humor for yourself. I've already got enough enemies."

  "We still need a target," I said, slightly hurt.

  "How about that one? It looks breakable."

  I looked where she was pointing and nodded.

  "Good enough. Give me a twenty count head start. If they're not protected, I'll be back out. If you don't see me in twenty, they're fair game. Do your worst."

  "You know," she smiled rubbing her hands together, "this could be fun."

  "Just remember that I'm in there before you decide exactly what today's 'worst' is."

  The display she had chosen was a small, three-sided tent with a striped top. It was lined with shelves that were crowded with an array of stoppered bottles of all sizes and colors. As I entered, I noticed there was something in each of the bottles-smoky things that shifted as if they were alive.

  "May I help you, sahr?" The Deveel proprietor a
sked, baring what he doubtless thought was a winning smile.

  "Just browsing," I yawned. "Actually, I'm seeking refuge from gossip. All anyone can talk about is this pack of ruffians that's selling insurance."

  The Deveel's face darkened and he spat out the door.

  "Insurance! Extortion I call it. They ruined two of my treasures before I could stop them long enough to subscribe to their services. It was a dark day when they first appeared at the Bazaar."

  "Yes, yes. Believe me, I've heard it before."

  Having established that this shop was indeed under the protection of the Mob, I turned my attention to the displays.

  With studied nonchalance, I plucked up a small bottle, no more than a hand's-width high, and peered at the contents. Murky movement and a vague sparkle met my gaze.

  "Be careful," the proprietor cautioned. "Once a Djin is released, it can only be controlled if you address it by name."

  "A Djin?"

  The Deveel swept me with a speculative gaze. Since I wasn't doing the heavy work, I wasn't in disguise and looked like … well, me.

  "I believe in Klah, they're referred to as Genies."

  "Oh. You have quite a collection here."

  The Deveel preened at the praise.

  "Do not be fooled by the extent of my poor shop's selection, young sahr. They are extremely rare. I personally combed the far reaches of every dimension… at great personal expense, I might add … to find these few specimens worthy of…"

  I had been wondering when Massha was going to make her entrance. Well, she made it. Hoo-boy, did she make it. Right through the side of the tent.

  With an almost musical chorus, the stand along the wall went over, dumping the bottles onto the floor. The released Djin rose in a cloud and poured out the open tent side, shrieking with inhuman joy as they went.

  The Deveel was understandably upset.

  "You idiot!" he shrieked. "What are you doing?"

  "Pretty weak shelves," Massha muttered in a gravelly-bass voice.

  "Weak shelves?"

  "Sure. I mean, all I did was this …"

  She shoved one of the remaining two shelves, which toppled obligingly into the last display.