The Complete Poems of A R Ammons, Volume 2

by A. R. Ammons

  when he looks down, he has no equal

  1295and no friend: he attracts,

  quite contrariwise, sleazers, weaslers,

  pleasers and outrageously impertinent

  nobodies who think they should be #1 and

  have not once imagined the bad

  _________

  1300side of that, be average (or a little less)

  the wide world of the average is the

  widest world to inherit, whereas

  splendor lives by itself in a place

  of icy mirrors and chilling rooms

  26

  1305fracture the mirror and don’t ask me

  what becomes of the world: the world

  too is fractured but is still

  unfractured and the mirror, now,

  has no truth to see except its own,

  1310its own splits and deflections: it

  loses touch with possible mystery

  thinking (thinking?) it has found

  some in obfuscation: it’s a mystery

  tho that obfuscation can show how the

  1315world really is beyond its simplicity:

  I reject the North because it is not

  my native ground, and I reject the

  South because it rejected me, and I

  reject European clutterment because

  1320we fought to put that ocean between

  us: I identify with no sort or kind:

  I am by myself: with me is the

  _________

  thinking up and writing of this poem:

  I am for the poem: it tells me who

  1325I am: as the poem becomes itself,

  so, I hope, do I: it is sad and

  simple, yet true: if anyone loved

  me, or if I loved, I would be loving,

  I would not be writing: I have not

  1330found any way yet to be what I want

  to be: I’m looking: I’m writing as

  hard as I can: did you ever hear

  anything so pretentious: I tell you

  the defensive can come on as stilted

  1335and askew as a peering, preying mantis: shows have

  put me up so high my hardest thing

  (!) is to get down where I am, and

  there are leagues below where I am

  to relish: but it’s not my feelings

  1340but how I can change them, is it?,

  to bring about the same changes in

  you: not that you don’t have your

  own feelings: but you are, as I am

  like a moray eel, sticking out only

  1345a little: however fine the eatery,

  the scullery’s behind a door:

  heads or tails: ups or

  downs: tops or bottoms: heads and

  _________

  tails: ups and downs: tops and

  1350bottoms:

  Thank Goodness

  27

  how wonderful to be able to write:

  it’s something you can’t do, like

  playing the piano, without thinking:

  1355it’s not important thinking, but the

  strip has to wind, the right keys

  have to be hit, you have to look to

  see if you’re spelling the words

  right: maybe it’s not the thinking

  1360but the concentration, which means

  the attention is directed outside

  and focused away from the self, away

  from obsessive self-monitorings:

  these self-monitorings create problems

  1365where there are none: they fill

  inanition with misery, when if you

  can look about and do things,

  inanition goes away and so does the

  misery: but I, I have a long history

  1370of misery: I’ve suffered enough, I

  should know how: it has come off and

  _________

  on often enough, I should expect it:

  but sometimes it has gone away for

  years and then the return is difficult:

  1375I have to (you, one has to) learn all

  over again how to cope: one thing

  one learns, I suppose, is that there

  is little poetic value in writing

  about misery: so many other things

  1380to most people are more interesting:

  almost anything is: a few of those

  little rug moths fly up this time of

  year and light on the walls: I get

  some of them with a fly swatter, but

  1385I don’t know that that helps cure the

  moth problem: when do they mate:

  when do they lay eggs: how do they

  know what to do: they probably do

  it without thinking: the way I

  1390write: I write to write: it’s

  not that I think that’s the way to

  write: it’s that this way of writing

  occupies me: it’s a way of existing

  that is more comfortable than not

  1395writing: most writers, of course,

  take pains, as I’m sure they should,

  to write and to write well: I don’t

  _________

  mean to say this is good in spite of

  my nonchalance, and I don’t mean to

  1400demean the reader (what?) by asking

  him to spend his time on time merely

  spent: since I started this, 15

  fairly pleasant minutes have passed:

  my gratitude for that is, like,

  1405boundless: I am encouraged to think

  that maybe I can get through the

  whole weekend by writing when I need

  to: when I can’t find anything

  (better?) to do: believe me, I wd

  1410not do this if I were better connected,

  if I were better engaged: walking

  is good, but the knee joint in my

  deveined leg hurts (the whole leg

  swells in the heat): swimming is

  1415nice, but I gave up my membership

  when I got sick: reading is sometimes

  possible: when I can read nothing

  else, sometimes I can read what I

  have written (that’s usually innocent

  1420and nonviolent enough): I’ve said

  before that I write so I’ll have

  something to read, and that does

  double the pleasure and the time the

  _________

  pleasure takes: I am basically in

  1425perfect health: but right now I

  have things in the future to do that

  seem like a threat: these things

  are not threats but exciting

  opportunities: I have just twisted

  1430them around to where I’m afraid I

  can’t do them, and that is threatening:

  as a matter of record, usually when

  I do such things (such as poetry

  readings or dinners with presidents

  1435(of colleges or universities) I do

  them well enough to make people

  kind: what could be less threatening

  than kindness: it is much less

  threatening, say, than love, which

  1440is so invasive and deeply involving:

  28

  two of the birch trees have got

  their tops loose from the snow and

  have risen into the air like monsters

  awakening with feelers: they lean

  1445and reach for higher air: if a front

  comes and the wind jacks them up,

  lifting and catching them up, then

  they may be restored to a new

  _________

  tranquility of poise: this is the

  1450rising of the burden-bent, you know;

  the realm of the playful, overseeing

  heights: let our heavy emo
tions

  become such tickles way up: is it

  the same, being guilty and sinning;

  1455then we are sinners: we trust that

  in understanding and forgiving,

  or really trying to forgive, the sins

  of others, we may understand and

  come as close as possible to forgiving

  1460our own: but as with all verdicts

  there’s something more to it:

  verdicts are fences in fields where

  lava flows

  29

  I know most people like to stay

  1465alert: there are a lot of little

  hopes and treats they want to be

  awake for: for me, I regard

  drowsiness as a state approaching

  grace: the druggist says, don’t

  1470take these two drugs at the same

  time: they might cause drowsiness:

  how much drowsiness, I say: do you

  mean you pass out, or feel a little

  _________

  sleepy: and she says, no, you would

  1475feel sleepier than with one

  alone: that tickles me because I

  never felt drowsy enough from the

  one: it is so wonderful for me,

  often, to have the troublesome

  1480world ease away: I yawn a

  little, nestle into a corner wall

  or big chair, and snooze:

  half an hour is great: an hour

  exactly twice as good, and all day

  1485practically incalculable: but

  judge not me as you must not others:

  some of the drowsy-looking people

  you see have had so much food, sex,

  and sleep that the only sign of life

  1490on them is a tiny smile of dumb bliss:

  you can hardly get through to them

  with a question, such as, could you

  get somebody to turn off that loud

  fan: sorry, they say, question mark:

  1495they don’t even know the custodian

  is shaking out the dust mop right

  over the cookies: some of them, of

  course, are on drugs, not the ones

  at the pharmacist’s: but ones you

  _________

  1500can sometimes pick out among the

  lilies of the field: everything is

  beautiful, they say, in its own way:

  I don’t think so: victimizers are

  not beautiful: when they do things,

  1505well, one’s spine grinds with gritty

  ice: but in the arc of arising or

  in the depth of reaching down, it is

  still true: each of us, even you,

  even I, considered in the full

  1510shadings of our dynamics, well, we

  may be like what the Chinese

  philosopher said about water, that

  it never makes an esthetic mistake:

  but I think the water of this movement

  1515has run aground: I don’t know which,

  if any, part of the foregoing I

  really believe: like water meeting

  an obstacle, I will have to go around

  or under it, or rise above it:

  1520toodle-oo

  30

  oh, we go to Owego some Sundays for

  brunch at the Travelodge by the river

  _________

  and pass Brink Road (on the left going

  over (and on the right coming back)):

  1525oh, we plan to go today—it’s early

  now—and the snow’s leaking at the

  eaves, so the roads won’t be frozen

  (except in higher elevations): I

  love the weather, its moods and elements

  1530are so much like life: often, if I

  don’t feel just like the weather, I

  feel the opposite: sometimes when

  it’s mild, I get cranky, and I had a

  student once, Wendy Zomparelli from

  1535San Diego, and she said she couldn’t

  stand it when the sun came out every

  morning:

  31

  my hands that in their motions used to

  out-steady boulders dribble now

  1540the coffee at my lips, especially if

  I’ve trimmed a bush or talked too

  long at the market with someone, one

  of those plastic bags lumped weighty

  from my arm: but enough about me:

  1545what do you suggest: I mean, have

  _________

  you ever experienced such a thing,

  or do you ever expect to: it’s not

  too bad, actually, I mean it’s suitable

  in time to tremble with, at, or over

  1550something: it can mean that you’ve

  survived long enough to know surviving’s

  sticker-shock: you always expected to

  have to pay, however willing to

  wait: go on credit: interest-free

  1555and if your payments fall beyond the

  pale, why, who’s paler then, creditor

  or thee: I bought myself something

  once: three ceramic elephants in a

  row, the biggest ahead, the smallest

  1560behind (!): they cost eight dollars:

  I like them because they are mine and

  because I had to pay for them: but you

  can have them, if you like: I’m in

  two ages at once, the giving way and

  1565giving away: but no more poor

  pitifulizing me: l have plenty and

  give plenty away, why, because here

  at nearly 70 stuff has bunched up

  with who knows how much space to

  1570spread out into: but no more bogging

  you down in my tears: no more

  _________

  talk about my tears: tears and

  fears, I mean, and hopes and dreams,

  and the dream of loving and the

  1575dream of being free, free and in

  love with beauty: but let’s not talk

  about me anymore: what about your

  tears: and fears: what do you

  waken at night into the middle of:

  1580turn her over and saw off

  another piece: I mean of the log

  she is snoring lean: help out: be

  useful: prize enterprise: enter:

  Einstein made things as simple as

  1585possible and no simpler: let him

  have the simple: I’m pure: let’s

  not talk about me: how are you doin’

  32

  I’m glad I don’t have fifty years

  to see these limbs hung with this

  1590snow: I feel for the bushes,

  burdened; I feel for the birch trees

  bowed: the heavy, dripping clusters

  grow more with new snow than they

  melt: it is ridiculous: nature

  1595having poured it on pours it on: so

  _________

  patient, so still, a test to the

  limit: wait, wait for the slow

  procedures, the long unloosening of

  the branch tips from the ground:

  1600maybe so that nothing tears, not that

  snow won’t trample to tearing, not

  that ice won’t hold the tips till the

  tree tears away to rise, the little

  twigs sticking up torn from the snow:

  1605as I say, I say, whatever you say:

  also as with a quill (or stylus) I

  plink upon my machine outmoded as

  hell (I hope hell’s outmoded) and

  meanwhile a quiver of the flank in

  1610Sumatra quivers a flank in Jersey

  City, cellular love quickening half

  a globe (you can’t get a globe away

  from an
yone, isn’t that fortunate)

  away: love finds a way: European

  1615clutter, those relics of decayed

  aristocracies: here in the sweet

  lap of a brawn-bred democracy, we

  have fresh aristocracies of our own:

  what will be their relics are now

  1620expressive: altruism is somewhat