Keeping Him

by Kennedy Fox

  “That he’d look much better in red.” I smirk.

  “Let’s go, alright? Jessica wants us to start heading up, and unless you want to watch her head explode, we better do as she says.” Mila starts walking toward the row of trucks parked in the driveway, and I follow, knowing I’m supposed to drive half the groomsmen up there.

  Once I’m to my truck, Mila pulls on my arm before I’m able to hop in the driver’s seat. “Jackson, wait.”

  “What?” I turn and look at her, studying her face of concern.

  “Give me your flask.” She holds her hand out like she’s scolding a child.

  “Not happening.”

  “Jackson Joseph Bishop,” she blurts out, and I have to do a double take to make sure Mama didn’t just walk up. “I know you’ve been drinkin’, so just hand it over.”

  “Just because you married my brother doesn’t give you the right to treat me like a kid. I’m not giving you my flask, so just put your little hand away and leave.” Opening the truck door, I hop in and close it behind me before she can get another word out.

  When I think she’s left, I roll my window down and wait for the groomsmen to hop in the back.

  “Kiera’s really nervous,” Mila says, showing back up. She rests her arms inside the window frame and gives me a look. “So if you’re planning on doing anything stupid, just…don’t. Okay?”

  “What makes you think that?”

  She cocks her head and narrows her eyes at me. “Best behavior, Jackson. I mean it.”

  “So…what, were you voted as my babysitter or something?” It all starts to click since she’s the one I’m walking down with and isn’t pregnant and emotional. She has no problem warning me.

  “I lost a bet,” she teases. “No more drinking until after the ceremony. Got it?”

  Turning the key and revving the engine, I rest my elbow on the window frame and raise a brow. “No promises.” Once the truck bed is full, I take that as my cue to leave. “See ya up there, Peaches.”

  She rolls her eyes at the new nickname I gave her. She’s from Georgia, so it’s only fitting, but I say it mostly to get a rise out of her.

  I put the truck into reverse and drive up the gravel road that leads to the location of the ceremony. Dust and pebbles are all I can see in my rearview mirror. Five minutes later, we make it to the bottom of the hill.

  Hordes of people flood the place, and I know Kiera well enough to know the massive guest list wasn’t her idea. She’s always said she wanted something small and intimate with close friends and family only. Kiera doesn’t need to show off or pretend she’s something she’s not, which means this was all Trent’s doing, and she probably gave in to make him happy.

  Fuck. Another reason I should’ve punched him.

  Grabbing my flask, I take another long swig. As the time approaches, I’m finding the courage I had to watch her get married to another man dissolve.

  “Alright, y’all. I need you to line up just like we practiced,” Jessica orders. “The ceremony will begin in about ten minutes. So don’t run too far.”

  “Jackson, you clean up nice when you’re not rolling around in the hay,” my sister, Courtney, teases, giving me a side hug. “You reek of whiskey. Did you shower in it or something? Geez.” She wrinkles her nose to emphasize her disapproval.

  “Well you reek of baby poop, but you don’t hear me complainin’.”

  “You’re so rude!” Courtney swats me with a smile.

  “Just doing my big brother duties.” I try to give her a noogie like I used to when we were kids, but she’s quicker than me and steps out of my reach.

  “Do not touch my hair!” She points a threatening finger at me. “It took me two hours, and the last time I spent that much time on my hair was at my own wedding.”

  “Really? Could’ve fooled me,” I taunt. Riling her up is the distraction I need right now.

  “Jackson…” I hear Mila’s warning tone behind me.

  Oh c’mon.

  “Yes?” I turn around too fast, and the world starts spinning.

  “Everyone is seated, and it’s about to start,” she informs me, coming to my side. I look and see Emily lined up with Trent’s brother. River and Courtney and everyone else are standing and ready to start as soon as Jessica gives us the go-ahead.

  “I’m here, aren’t I?”

  “Just checkin’. Better not hurl on my dress either,” she quips while giving me a death glare as if she actually thinks I would.

  “Trust me, I haven’t had nearly enough whiskey for that. Check back in a few hours, though.” I wink, and she rolls her eyes at me. Speaking of which, I reach for my flask again and take another swig. Then another. I’m gonna need it to get through this.

  The orchestra changes songs, and that’s when I see Trent escorting his mother up the hill to walk her down the aisle. His father is behind him; they’re both looking at their son like he’s made of gold.

  “You’re crying already?” River teases Emily who’s standing behind me. I look over my shoulder, and sure enough, Emily is tearing up.

  “I’m just so happy for her. She’s waited her whole life for this moment.” Emily’s words slice right through my heart, and that’s when it really hits me.

  Fuck. I can’t do this.

  I can’t watch her marry this guy.

  The alcohol is rushing through my veins, and I know I’ll do something stupid if I see her up there with him. My heart is beating so hard and fast, I can feel it thumping in my chest like it’s going to explode any second.

  “Kiera and her father are going to come out shortly, so the guests don’t see her beforehand,” I hear Jessica tell one of the bridesmaids. “Okay, first couple. Once the orchestra transitions to the next song, that’ll be your cue to go.”

  My palms start to sweat, and I feel like I can’t breathe. My heartbeat is drumming in my ears now, and I know I can’t go through with this. I’m pretty sure I’m having some kind of anxiety attack and will pass out if I don’t catch my breath.

  “Jackson, stop fidgeting,” Mila whispers. “We’re walking down in less than two minutes.”

  “I can’t,” I hiss, undoing the buttons on my neckline. “I can’t do this.”

  Stepping out of line, I walk toward my truck with Mila in my shadow. As soon as I make it to the gravel, I walk faster to my truck and jump in.

  “What are you doing?” Mila asks with urgency and concern. “Are you insane?”

  “Tell Kiera I’m sorry. I can’t watch her get married.” I shut the door and start the engine and back out before she can respond.

  Chapter Three

  Kiera

  I can’t believe it’s almost time.

  My heart is racing so fast with nerves and excitement, but I know the moment I see Trent standing at the end of the aisle waiting for me, the anxiety will vanish.

  Or so I hope.

  I woke up this morning feeling like I could sleep for twenty hours because I was far too excited to get any rest. From the moment we got engaged, we started planning the details of the wedding. The past six months have been consumed by wedding favors, cake flavors, and catering dishes. Now the day is finally here.

  I slept over at my parents’ house last night in the same bedroom I grew up in, and I’m pretty sure that’s part of the reason I couldn’t sleep well. I’m used to being in bed with Trent and hearing his cell go off at random times for emergencies. But it was only for one night, and after today, we’ll spend every night together.

  “Kiki.” I hear my dad’s voice and three soft knocks on my door. “Can I come in?”

  “Yeah, Dad.”

  He opens it and smiles. “I made breakfast. Your favorite.”

  “Eggs Benedict with smoked salmon?” I ask.

  “Of course! Would I make my Kiki anything else?”

  Smiling, I walk toward my dad and wrap my arms around him. “Thanks, Dad. That sounds so good right now.” I laugh, knowing I won’t have time to eat much throughout the d
ay between getting ready, taking pictures, thanking the guests for coming, and then, of course, the dance.

  “You ready for today?” he asks as I walk with him to the kitchen. I’m still in my pajamas, but I know Jessica and Emily will be here shortly to start getting ready.

  “I think so…I’m excited. Anxious and nervous, too. But it feels surreal that today is the day,” I admit, taking a seat at the table.

  Mom comes barging in, rushing to give me a hug. “You’re going to break a bone, Mom,” I tease, willing her to loosen her grip.

  “You’re glowing.” She kisses my forehead. “I can’t believe my baby is getting married and going to have babies of her own soon.”

  “Mama…” I warn with a grin. “Can we get through the honeymoon first before you start naming my future children?”

  “I’ll give you through breakfast. That’s it.” She makes three plates before setting them down in front of us. “Make sure you fill up. I barely ate on my wedding day,” she reminds me like she has a handful of times already.

  “I will. It smells delicious.” I smile at my dad, thankful for these last moments with my parents before the house is jam-packed with the wedding party.

  Since the ceremony is on the hill, the bridesmaids are coming here to finish getting ready and help me get dressed. The groomsmen will show up dressed and ready to go, but they’ll most likely do some pre-ceremony drinking and take pictures beforehand. But as per tradition, Trent and I won’t see each other until I walk down the aisle.

  After I get out of the shower, Emily and Jessica come over and start gushing about every little detail. I just want to sit back and soak it all up.

  My hairdresser and makeup artist arrive shortly after. I decide to have my hair pulled back in a modest low bun with some loose strands framing my face. The veil is pinned into my bun and drapes down my back.

  “Oh my goodness,” my mother squeals. “That veil looks stunning on you.” She leans in to kiss my cheek.

  “Thanks, Mama.” I smile sweetly, knowing she’s so proud of me. “I already know you’re going to be the most beautiful bride in the world.”

  Her comment makes me laugh, but I thank her anyway.

  My makeup artist applies a more natural look, but she gives me red lips and puts a glowing bronzer on my cheeks.

  “Now…” Katie says, flicking an eyeshadow brush between her fingers. “Do you trust me?” I want to say yes, but the mischievous grin on her face tells me otherwise.

  “I’m not sure…” I tease hesitantly. “Why?”

  “Well, I want to do a purple hue for your eyes. It’s a great color for green eyes, but I’ll blend it nicely with a cream shadow. I promise it’ll look elegant with a small pop of color.”

  “Ooh, I love that idea!” Emily blurts out. “That’d look so pretty with your hair too.”

  I sigh, knowing I won’t win a battle with these two anyway. “Okay, I trust you!” I smile. “Purple is my favorite color anyway, so let’s do it!”

  Katie finishes my makeup, and soon everyone is freaking out, eagerly waiting for me to put on my dress to complete the whole look.

  “Okay, I’m coming out,” I announce from the bathroom.

  I open the door, lifting my dress slightly to step out and wait for their approvals.

  “Wow…”

  “Oh my God!”

  “Stunning!”

  A round of compliments echo throughout the room, and I’m close to tearing up at the way they’re all admiring me.

  “I can’t believe it,” I say when I study myself in the full-length mirror. “It’s really happening.”

  Emily wraps her arms around my waist and hugs my back. “You deserve all the happiness in the world, Kiera. I’m so excited for you.”

  I place my hand over hers and squeeze. “I love you. Thank you again.” We smile at each other in the mirror.

  “Oh! I need my garter. Would you mind grabbing my purse from my truck?”

  “Yeah, absolutely!” She pats my shoulder. “Don’t forget your boots,” she reminds me.

  I head back to the bathroom where I left them and wait for her return. “Here ya go.” She hands me my bag. “Want help?”

  “No, I got it. Would you mind giving me a minute, though?” I ask, needing a few to myself before it’s time to go.

  “No problem, babe. Holler if you need me.”

  Reaching to the bottom, I dig for the garter I stuffed in there last night and pull it out along with a cream envelope I didn’t know was inside. I quickly slide the garter over my boot and up my leg to my thigh before I settle it into place.

  “What is this?” I mutter to myself. The envelope is sealed, and only my name is written on the front. For a moment, I wonder if Trent slipped it in here before I left yesterday as a surprise.

  Once I rip it open and pull out the note, I glance over the handwriting and know it’s not from him.

  * * *

  Dear Kiera,

  * * *

  This letter is long overdue, but now that you’re engaged, I have no choice but to let you go. I know you’ve never been mine, but you’ve been my best friend for as long as I can remember, and it feels like an era is about to end.

  When we were just teenagers and Tanner asked you out, and you looked at me before telling him yes, I knew then that you’d always have my heart, no matter what. Tanner had you, but you were always mine. He was the best fit for you—I always knew that—but it didn’t make things easier especially seeing you two together all the time. It killed me. I loved you, but he was the better pick for you.

  Tanner and I had a history. He was one of my best friends too, but he’s always had a better head on his shoulders. Straight-A student, never in trouble, from a family of doctors and therapists, and was already writing his valedictorian speech two years before graduation. Hell, I think he already wrote his college essays before our sophomore year of high school. He was exactly the type of guy you deserved, so I never intervened. I watched on the sidelines as Tanner took you out on dates to dances and special romantic dinners. I helped him plan most of them because I knew all your likes and dislikes. Every gift, every movie suggestion, every birthday card he wrote you—I helped him because you deserved the best.

  You still deserve the best, Kiera.

  I knew growing up that all I’d amount to is being a rancher. It’s all I’ve known, and I’ve always been passionate about horses and riding. I love what I do, so I don’t regret the choices that led me here, but in my heart, I knew you deserved more than I could ever offer. You deserved to be shown the world, to travel and explore, to live a life without reservations.

  A struggling, overworked rancher would never be able to give you that, Kiera. I’m a selfish man; I realize that, but there was always one thing I couldn’t be selfish about, and that was you. Even at fifteen years old, I knew that. You’ll always be the one that got away, and I’ll always be the dumbass who let you.

  I want nothing more in life than for you to be happy. Your happiness is all that’s ever mattered to me, and if marrying Trent makes you happy, then I’ll know I did right by keeping my distance.

  I hope you know how much I love you, how much I’ve always loved you, and that everything I did was always for you, even if it seemed like the opposite at times. I’ve done a lot of stupid shit and things I’m not proud of. Getting into fights, one-night stands, being arrested, caught stealing, driving without a license—but hurting you will always be my biggest regret. I did most of that stupid shit to numb the pain I felt, and though it’s no excuse, I’m still so fucking sorry I ever hurt you. There were times when the disappointment was so evident on your face that I wanted to drink a six-pack of beer and then hit every empty bottle over my head until I passed out. It was the only way to keep you from having feelings or waiting for me, and I hated myself for it.

  I know I’ve rambled a lot and as you can probably guess, I’ve had a few beers and shots, but it was the only way I could let myself be vulnerable eno
ugh to write this.

  It’s time to let you go. I need to. You’re not mine, but I’ll always be yours.

  My heart will absolutely shatter watching you marry another man, but I’ve earned it. You deserve all the happiness, Kiera. Even if I’m not the reason for it.

  I was never the right guy for you, but you were always the right girl for me.

  I will always love you, Kiera.

  —Jackson

  * * *

  Most of the letter is covered in my tears before I even finish reading the last word.

  My throat is burning while I try holding back the sobs that are threatening to release.

  I can’t believe this. I can’t believe him.

  How? Why?

  I don’t know how to feel. I want to be so mad at him right now. But a part of me—the part that’s always been reserved for him—is breaking. I’ve waited over fifteen years for Jackson, and before that kiss last night, I was certain the feelings weren’t mutual.

  Some part of me had always wished and wondered while dissecting every little sign. Then he’d have another random girl on his arm, and I figured I imagined it all.

  But that kiss.

  I’d never been kissed like that before. It was nothing like our first kiss, which was sweet and a little awkward. No, this kiss had every built-up emotion over the past decade poured into it. It was intense and filled with hunger. I’ve dreamt about his lips and hands on me for as long as I can remember. Even when I tried to stop loving him, dated other guys, fell in love with other people, left for college to get over him—it never worked. I continued to fantasize about how it’d feel to just have Jackson for one night. I knew I’d be risking my heart, but a part of me always believed I’d rather have experienced him once than not at all.

  Except after he kissed me against the barn last night, I felt anger. Anger that all those feelings were bubbling to the surface again. Anger that he could still have that effect on me after the way he’s treated me. Anger that I didn’t stop it sooner but also because I stopped it at all.