Keeping Him

by Kennedy Fox

  My feelings are so fucking messed up that I can’t sort them out anymore.

  God. How could he do this to me? I don’t know when he wrote this letter, but he mentions me being engaged, which means it was within the past six months. How could he say all these beautiful things and say he wants me to be happy, but then drop this bomb the morning of my wedding day?

  Just like I said last night, he’s a selfish, self-centered, asshole. Why wait until this moment? Doesn’t he know he’s hurting me now more than ever?

  My heart rate pulsates in my wrist as I hold the letter tightly between my fingers. The mixed feelings and emotions flowing through me have me feeling nauseous.

  “Kiera, you okay in there?”

  “Just feeling a little queasy. I’ll be okay. Be right out.”

  “What’s wrong?” Emily barges in without knocking, and I quickly scramble to fold the letter up.

  “Nothin’, just needed a few minutes alone. To calm my nerves and all.” I keep my eyes locked on hers in hopes she doesn’t notice how weird I’m acting.

  “What’s that?” She reaches for the envelope that has my name written across it. Before she can grab it, I hurry and shove it into my boot.

  “What’s goin’ on?” She folds her arms over her chest and narrows her eyes at me. “You look strange.”

  “It was just a letter from Trent,” I lie, hating that I’m being dishonest to my best friend, but I can’t get into this with her right now. Not minutes before we’re supposed to leave.

  “Aww…that’s sweet! Better be all about how damn lucky he is to be marrying you while promising you the world,” she teases, smiling wide with pride.

  “It was.” I choke back a sob as I think about the letter and the truths it held. How am I supposed to do this right now?

  “Okay, I need to go meet everyone up the hill. You okay? Want me to stay behind until you have to come up?” Emily asks.

  “I’m great! I promise! It’s just really starting to settle in, and I’m getting emotional, but I swear I’m ready.” Standing up, I grab my handkerchief and dab under my eyes. “You go ahead. Dad and I will be up shortly.”

  “Okay.” Emily smiles, placing her hands on my bare shoulders. “I love you. Enjoy this moment, okay? Everything goes by so fast, but it’s all going to be beautiful and perfect.”

  Her words are music to my ears and just what I needed to hear. “I love you too. Thank you again. I’m so lucky to have you by my side for this.”

  She pulls me in for a tight hug before releasing me and grabbing her bouquet. “Meet you up there,” she says over her shoulder, giving me an encouraging wink.

  After taking a few minutes to calm my nerves, I stand and head out of the bathroom.

  “Kiki…” My dad’s deep voice startles me as he opens my bedroom door. “You look stunning, sweetheart.”

  “Thank you, Dad.” I smile. “It’s hard not to feel beautiful in this dress.”

  “I wasn’t talking about the dress.” He winks. “You ready for your chariot to take you up? Your groom is waiting.” He holds his arm out for me to take.

  “I’m ready.”

  My mother comes in and smiles. She’s so damn happy. Inhaling a deep breath, I walk with Dad to his truck and hop in with Mom behind me to stuff my dress inside.

  “Meet you up there, baby. I love you.” Mom kisses my cheek before shutting the door. She’s driving up with my uncle who’s going to usher her down the aisle before the wedding party.

  Dad starts the truck and drives us there. Butterflies swarm in my stomach, and my nerves are so intense, I hope I can calm down before the “Wedding March” starts playing.

  As soon as we park, I see Emily and Trent’s brother getting ready to walk down. Riley and Elizabeth are with Jessica, and as soon as she directs them to start, I know that’s my cue to get ready.

  My dad and Jessica come to my side and help me out. “You look amazing,” she tells me, and I smile in return. I’m not sure any words would come out even if I opened my mouth and tried.

  Jessica hands me my bouquet, and I grip it tightly, feeling my palms sweat as she fans out my train and brushes her hands along the skirt. The orchestra is still playing, and I know once the next song starts, it’ll be my turn.

  “You ready for this?” Jessica whispers.

  “Yeah, I’m good.” I suck in a deep breath.

  I link my arm through my dad’s and watch as Jessica motions for the orchestra to wrap it up. The “Wedding March” begins, and my heart drops. It’s time.

  As we make our way toward the front, everyone stands, and as soon as my eyes land on Trent, a wide smile spreads across my face.

  He looks so damn handsome, and the nerves start to slowly fade away as he focuses all his attention on me. I try soaking it all in and smile as we walk toward Trent. My attention is glued to him while our guests watch me. My dad clasps my hand that’s on his arm, and when I look up at him, and our eyes meet, I can see how proud of me he is.

  As I stand next to my dad at the end of the aisle, I lock eyes with Trent again and see a smug expression I don’t understand. It’s then that I look at the groomsmen lined up and notice Jackson isn’t there.

  Oh my God.

  The kiss. The letter. And now he’s not here.

  My throat goes dry and tight. Where the hell is he?

  The pastor speaks as soon as the orchestra finishes, but I don’t hear what he says because my mind is spinning out of control. Why would Jackson do this to me? Why would he wait for this moment to tell me his true feelings? I can’t sort these thoughts out, and when my father speaks up to give me away, my heart thumps so damn hard in my chest as if to protest it all. Deep down, I know this isn’t right. My gut instinct over the past few months hits me harder now more than ever. I’ve ignored a lot of it, hoping the stress of the wedding planning was giving me these doubts, but now I know for sure.

  Once I pass my bouquet to Emily, Trent takes my hand and leads me to the front where the pastor is standing. I start to panic as the realization that I can’t do this hits me. I can’t do this without Jackson here.

  John’s standing with Maize in his arms, and he’s watching me. Our eyes meet, and I give him a questioning look, and as if he knows exactly what I’m silently asking, he shakes his head with a frown and shrugs.

  Pastor Montgomery directs the guest to be seated with a smile.

  “Welcome to the nuptials of Trent Laken and Kiera Young. It’s a gorgeous day for a wedding and an outside ceremony. I can feel the love surrounding this couple, and I have no doubt that even if was raining out, they’d be up here exchanging their vows. Now, me, on the other hand, I’d be requesting a rather large umbrella.”

  The guests’ laughs echo throughout, but I can barely process his words. I should be thinking about Trent and our future together. Instead, all I’m thinking about is Jackson and how much of a mistake it’d be to marry Trent when I’m not one hundred percent positive this is what I want.

  “I’m sorry…” I blurt out over the pastor’s words.

  “What?” Trent’s head snaps toward me. “What’s wrong, Kiera?” he whispers.

  Blinking, I look at him before releasing his hands, and my arms fall to my sides. “I’m so sorry, Trent. I can’t do this.” The words roughly come out as I try to hold my composure and not cry. I can’t believe what I’m saying right now.

  “Kiera, what are you talkin’ about?” he firmly asks, leaning in so the guests can’t hear our words.

  I lick my lips and inhale a deep breath. “I can’t marry you.”

  Before he can respond, I grab ahold of my dress and walk away.

  I can feel everyone’s gaze on me as I run down the aisle, and it’s not until I hit the bottom of the hill that the tears roll down my cheeks at the realization of what I just did.

  “Kiera!” I hear Emily yell behind me. “Kiera, wait!”

  I look over my shoulder and see a panicked and worried Emily as I rush toward the gravel drivew
ay. She’s going to kill me for this; I already know. What I just did is unforgivable, but I couldn’t follow through with it without talking to Jackson first.

  “Kiera, take my keys,” she shouts. Turning to face her, she rushes toward me and hands me a set of keys. “Take Evan’s truck. It’s over there.” She points behind me.

  “How’d you know?”

  “I knew the second I saw your face in the bathroom, and then when Jackson left…let’s just say I had a gut feeling.” She flashes a small, sympathetic smile. “I’ll take care of everything here. Don’t worry.”

  “Thank you.” I quickly wrap my arms around her, then run over to the truck before guests begin to leave. I’m sure Trent and my family are humiliated, and I know I’ll have to deal with that soon enough, but right now, I need to find Jackson.

  Chapter Four

  Jackson

  EIGHT MONTHS BEFORE THE WEDDING

  I roll out of bed and realize I’m late again, which means if John is feeling better today and is at the B&B, I’m going to hear him bitching at me like he’s our father. I’m used to it, though, considering we’re twins and have worked together all our lives. Since he’s always been the much more responsible and boring twin, his ass chewings barely faze me anymore. His words go in one ear and out the other—according to him and my brothers—because I don’t care what they have to say. Ever since John found out he was a dad last year, he’s moved to a whole new level of responsible. I’m trying my best to tread lightly with my tardiness, but it’s pretty much impossible.

  I brew a pot of coffee, needing something to jolt me awake. I drank too much whiskey and tossed and turned for the past four hours, so I feel like a zombie—a hungover one at that.

  As I’m standing in the kitchen wanting the coffee to hurry the hell up, my phone buzzes, and I look down and see a text from John saying he’s still sick with the shits and throwing up.

  Jackson: I can bring some adult diapers over for you.

  John: Bring something. It’s coming outta both ends.

  Jackson: Doesn’t it usually?

  Jackson: Will do. Feel better.

  I smile, knowing I’ll get to give his assistant hell this morning after all. It’s one of my favorite pastimes, especially this early in the day. She’s not a morning person, which cracks me up considering she works at a B&B that requires her to be here before the sun rises.

  Once I pour some coffee in a travel mug, I head outside and start my walk over to the B&B. Each time I exhale, my warm breath creates a cloud of smoke, and with each step, the frost crunches beneath my boots. The sun hasn’t even woken up yet, and I’m already behind on my daily tasks.

  When I moved out of my brother Alex’s house a couple of years ago, I promised myself I’d finish remodeling the old cabin close to the B&B that was in disrepair because I needed a place of my own, but then I moved in with John and didn’t worry with it. Relationships were never our thing, and I thought we’d live together for a few years at least. Then life happened, and things changed, especially when a baby was brought into the picture.

  So I moved into the ranch hand quarters, which was like a frat party every night. After not getting sleep for a month, a fire was lit under my ass to finish my house. I almost felt guilty bringing women back to the ranch hand quarters, considering a bunch of guys live there, and they’re not always the cleanest. Still, I continued to sneak chicks in and out like I did when I was a teenager. As long as they kept quiet, we wouldn’t get caught, except it was easier said than done, especially while in my bed.

  My house is a little farther away from the B&B than John’s, but it’s still within walking distance. I could drive, but the morning chill helps wake me up before I start my chores, especially when I’ve been up drinking all night.

  Soon I’m walking up the back steps of the B&B, and my exhaustion feels like it’s finally caught up with me. My restlessness and wandering mind have made me a hot ass mess, which is the norm these days. The only person to blame is Kiera Young. Lately, she’s been driving me fucking crazy and has for as long as I can remember. But now that she’s getting serious with her boyfriend—who I hate with a fucking passion—our friendship has changed, and it’s been bothering the shit out of me.

  Once inside the B&B, I notice how eerily quiet it is. The guests are still sleeping soundly, which gives me time to drink my coffee. I complete some of John’s morning duties to help Nicole out a bit before she gets here. Once the coffee’s dripping and the breakfast area is set, I see Nicole sneaking in through the front door. At first glance, I know she thinks I'm John, and I take the golden opportunity to give her a hard time.

  Crossing my arms, I look at the clock on the wall, then back at her.

  “You're late.” I keep my tone dry, perfectly pulling off John's demeanor.

  “I thought you weren't coming in today?” She looks confused, and I almost think my cover is blown, and that maybe she realizes I’m fucking with her. John must’ve texted her too. Of course, his responsible ass did, or he didn’t trust me to actually tell her.

  “I changed my mind. Feeling a lot better, actually. Also, the next time you’re late, I'm writing you up. Don't you understand the importance of being on time? We have a job to do here, Nicole. Guests to attend to.” I try to think back to all the times John has given me his boring ass speech about running a business and blah, blah, blah.

  “Yes, sir. I’m really sorry. The fog was terrible this morning, and I didn’t want to hit a deer or something,” she explains.

  After I catch a glimpse of the serious look on her face, I burst out into laughter. “I'm just shittin’ you, Nic.”

  Nicole walks up to me and punches me as hard as she can in the arm.

  “You're a dick, Jackson. I swear. Practically gave me heart palpitations.”

  “I don’t know how, after all this time, you can't tell us apart. I’m the better lookin’ brother. It’s obvious.”

  “I really hate you,” she says with a laugh, shaking her head as she walks toward the office, and I take it as my cue to go. Nicole has been working at the B&B for the past few years and was a godsend when John had to take time off after Maize showed up. We have an unspoken agreement that she does what she’s supposed to do, and I’ll do the bare minimum at the B&B, and we won’t get in each other's way. So far, it’s worked out perfectly when John needs off.

  After she’s got a handle on what needs to be done, I walk down the path that leads to the barn and find some of the horses waiting impatiently in their stalls to be fed. Their fur is thick, and they love the cool weather. It sure beats the summer temperatures.

  Once I’ve lined the buckets and filled them with grain, I let out a loud whistle, and a few horses trot in from the pastures. I slip a pair of leather gloves on my hands and grab the metal handles on the buckets. I walk around, pouring feed into the troughs and stacking the empty buckets on top of one another. Once the horses eat, they mosey their way out to the pasture. Considering today is slow as far as lessons and trail riding, I do the not-so-glamorous work of cleaning and oiling the saddles until Kiera shows up to pick up a gelding we purchased from auction.

  I’ve been waiting for this day all week. Though we don’t hang out as much as when we were teenagers, I’m grateful I get to see her for work. It’s the highlight of my week, though once she started dating Trent, she often acts like it’s more of a chore. Her smartass mouth has only gotten worse over the years, and she’s become fiercer with age, which only makes her more attractive and off-limits. I’ve come to the conclusion she wants her wild horse spirit tamed, and I’m convinced her pussy ass boyfriend won’t be able to do it.

  As soon as I hear the rumble of her truck traveling down the rock driveway that leads to the barn, I lean against the opening of the door and wait. I study her as she climbs out of the truck, lost in her own world, not even realizing I’m watching her every move. Her strawberry blonde hair is pulled up into a high ponytail, and she’s wearing tight jeans that hug all he
r curves. As if she’s teasing me, she stands on the bumper of her truck and bends her body over the tailgate, showing off her perfectly round ass. If I could take a picture right now, I would. Before she notices me staring, I walk out to meet her at the truck.

  “Mornin’.” She hops off the bumper with a smile and throws the extra lead ropes over her shoulders. When I make eye contact, I notice she’s even wearing makeup.

  “Got dressed up for me?” I ask, teasing her.

  She playfully rolls her eyes, and I see the hint of blush hit her cheeks. “Trent’s taking me out to lunch later. We’re heading out for a Valentine’s Day getaway tomorrow. I can’t wait.”

  Just the sound of his name on her lips puts me in a bad mood, and I’m sure she notices my blood boiling. I swear she mentions him just to get a rise out of me.

  “I don’t know what you see in that loser. There’s somethin’ about him I don’t like,” I tell her as I turn around and walk toward the barn, not giving her a second glance. But damn, she smells so pretty.

  “He’s a nice guy, Jackson. Isn’t that what you said I always needed? A nice guy. Someone who treated me right?” I look at her, and for a moment, I see the girl who used to drink stolen whiskey with me in our spot by the makeshift firepit surrounded by hay bales. Those days are long gone.

  “Trent isn’t a nice guy. He’s a snake in the grass waiting to strike. He looks at you like you’re a piece of goddamn meat,” I tell her, though she’s still following me.

  “At least someone does,” she mumbles under her breath, and I’m sure those words were meant for me. I stop and turn around and take four steps forward until the space between us is gone. Her breath hitches as we stand face-to-face. I can smell the sweetness of her soap and shampoo, and if I weren’t such a chicken shit, I’d finally make a move.

  “You deserve better than him. We both know that,” I say matter-of-factly.