Petunia's Pandemonium

by Robyn Peterman

  “I’ll stay. And I’ll join Immortal Snatch,” I said with a shudder. “Not to find a man though. Men suck. Well, not Upton, but other ones, or at least the ones who like me. I’ll join it so I can grill Poseidon about Charybdis. It’s a perfect cover.”

  “Me Petunia is beautiful and smart!” Upton announced with pride. “Ye will be careful. Yolanda will kick me arse if somethin’ happens to ye.”

  “She doesn’t even know me,” I told him.

  “She knows all about ye,” Upton said with a sly smile. “And she already loves ye like I do.”

  I was unsure how to react so I didn’t. I wasn’t really all that lovable. All the love being showered on me was uncomfortable, but it also felt wonderful. Maybe I didn’t need to see the star after all. Maybe Upton was right. All I needed was right here in front of me.

  Now I just needed to keep them safe.

  I had the idiot on speed dial. He answered on the first ring.

  “I want to join Immortal Snatch,” I said into my cell phone as my cousins tried not to laugh.

  “What’s wrong with your snatch?” Poseidon asked, confused.

  “Nothing is wrong with my snatch, you idiot,” I shouted into the phone as Tallulah fell off her chair in hysterics. “I want to register for your heinously named dating service.”

  “Oh, I thought you said you wanted to coin your snatch—didn’t know what that meant,” Poseidon said.

  “How much rum have you had?” I demanded with an eye roll.

  “Started at nine AM,” he replied. “You would have too if you were me. DIC is killing me.”

  “Did he just say his dick is killing him?” Ariel whispered as she choked on a laugh.

  Nodding my head, I rolled my eyes. “That is far too much information, old man,” I snapped into the phone. “You’re like a drunk non-blood related grandfather to me that I wouldn’t take out in public. I do not want to know about your salami. You feel me, dumbass?”

  “Not my dick,” Poseidon yelled with a bellow of laughter. “DIC.”

  “Well, that certainly clears it up—not,” I grumbled.

  “DIC—as in Divine Immortal Circuit. All the gods have to take a turn at governing the other idiot gods, demigods and lesser gods. I lost at strip poker a few months back and have to run the damned thing for the next hundred years.”

  “Well, umm… okay then,” I said, letting my chin drop to my chest. “So, can I join?”

  “DIC?” Poseidon asked, confused again.

  “Umm, no. I want nothing to do with DIC,” I replied.

  “So, you’re a lesbian now?” he asked politely.

  It took all I had not to throw my phone into the ocean. But wait… the diapered idiot had given me an opening. Possibly.

  “Well… umm… not exactly, but I was wondering if your daughter Charybdis was enrolled,” I said, holding my breath.

  Upton gave me a thumbs up for my quick and creative thinking. It warmed me all over to have his approval. All four of my cousins’ eyes grew wide and they began to bounce up and down on my couch.

  “I disowned that shrew thousands of years ago,” Poseidon grunted with disgust. “That murdering sea wench is no longer my daughter. And if you are going to the gay side, I’d like to suggest a less homicidal muff diver.”

  “That was politically incorrect,” I told him with a sigh of exasperation. However, I was delighted that if I offed Charybdis he wouldn’t be put out.

  “Which part?” Poseidon asked.

  “Most of it,” I replied.

  “My bad. My whole life is politically incorrect. So, should I be looking for a man or a woman for you?”

  “Doesn’t matter,” I said honestly. I had no intention of actually going on a date with anyone.

  “What is it that you’re looking for, Petunia?” Poseidon asked kindly.

  Without thinking, I told the God of the Sea the truth. “A star,” I said. “I want to wish on a star.”

  “Tall order there, little flame-haired Mermaid,” Poseidon said with a laugh. “I’ll get to work on it.”

  Hanging up, I sighed and then pasted a smile on my lips for my cousins and Upton.

  There was no way in hell Poseidon could give me what I wanted, god or no. I’d almost had my star, but he had disappeared just like all the good things in my life had. But that was about to change. The Mystical Isle was my new home. My cousins were my family. I adored them. And Upton? Upton was my new dad. I’d never tell him so, but it was magical to pretend.

  “Okay,” I said, slapping my hands onto my hips. “It’s time to find a sea monster.”

  “If it doesn’t find us first,” Tallulah said.

  “Not to worry,” I promised. “I’m feeling lucky today.”

  Famous last words…

  4

  Delphinus

  “Delphinus, good to see you!” Poseidon bellowed as he produced a bottle of rum from his diaper and offered me a swig.

  Holding up my hand and schooling my face to a neutral expression took everything I had. As much as I wouldn’t mind some alcoholic courage at the moment, I refused to partake from a bottle that had been stored next to his junk. Not to mention, I wanted to smackdown on him for being my father. The fact that he knew who I was surprised me.

  It wasn’t as if I hadn’t suspected it was him. My powers were much stronger than a normal male Genie—not that we were all that normal to begin with. The female Genies were far more magical. A male Genie had the power of seduction and the power to grant wishes. That was about it. I, on the other hand, could kick ass with magic like a champion and I swam like a damned dolphin. I was the deadliest Genie alive. Well, alive at the moment.

  “Going by Del now… Dad,” I corrected the certifiable God of the Sea in a rude tone glancing around his grossly ornate office.

  “So, your mom finally let the cat out of the bag,” Poseidon said with a grin.

  “More like the shitass out of the suitcase,” I said flatly.

  “That works too,” Poseidon said, still grinning like an idiot.

  It was difficult to take him seriously in a diaper. His long mossy green hair was dated and out of style, but I had to admit a tiny part of me was excited to be in his presence. However, that was information I wasn’t planning to share. He’d had two thousand years to show up and never had.

  “Sooooo, Del,” Poseidon went on as if I wasn’t staring daggers at him. “How’s your mother?”

  “Fine. She refers to you as a butterfaced bitch-goblin,” I told him.

  His raucous laughter almost made me smile, but not quite.

  “Nice to hear she hasn’t changed,” he said with a chuckle and a shudder. “And while I’m relieved as hell that your mother wasn’t my true mate, it was very enjoyable procreating with her. Of course, I was drunk but that doesn’t make me any less proud of you.”

  “I’d have to disagree,” I shot back. “You haven’t shown up for me. Ever.”

  “Tis true,” Poseidon agreed, shaking his head sadly. “Adara threatened to dismember me and feed my magnificent Johnson to the sharks if I did. I believe her parting words were ‘You stupid nut biscuit. I never should have boinked a thighbone hugging toilet zoo like you. However, I got my beautiful boy and if you ever come near him, I’ll make you a grandpa humping cork vendor—a dead one’.”

  I had to admit that sounded exactly like my mother. Her way of turning a profane phrase was horrifyingly recognizable.

  “Wow,” was I could muster up to that. I’d have stayed away too. My mother was lethal when pissed off.

  Poseidon took a healthy swig off his bottle and winked at me. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to punch him or hug him. I decided to do neither. I still needed his help.

  “Now that we’ve cleared up my necessary absence in your life due to the longevity of my pecker, you can call me Pappy,” the idiot announced.

  “I’m going to stick with butterfaced bitch-goblin for the time being,” I told him as I relaxed my stance and took a seat in a ch
air made of giant clamshells.

  His office was just as appalling and over-the-top as my mother’s home—in a more ocean-themed way. The sand on the floor was positively inspired and was going to be stuck in the grooves of my combat boots for weeks.

  “I answer to anything,” Poseidon assured me as he shuffled through papers on his massive sea glass desk. “Butterfaced bitch-goblin is far more pleasant than the names my mate Wally comes up with.”

  Before I could stop my mouth from blurting out what I was thinking, I asked a question I really didn’t want the answer to. “You’re gay?”

  Poseidon was mid-slug on his rum and spit it all over his desk as he choked and laughed. I was slightly concerned I’d have to Heimlich him, but thankfully he pulled himself back together. “Nay, I’m as straight as my enormous pecker. Wally happens to be a woman, but I’d love the old bag no matter what sex she was—horrible, horrible vile piece of work, but great in the sack. But I have no problem with the muff divers and the butt men.”

  I winced in pain at my father’s lack of political correctness. He was clearly known as an idiot all over the immortal Universe for a reason.

  “That was every kind of wrong,” I said, shaking my head. “You should probably speak less.”

  “Tell me about it,” Poseidon moaned. “I can’t keep up with the lingo—got no time. DIC is killing me.”

  Letting my chin fall to my chest, I sighed. Maybe it would be better to die. If I was going to turn out like my mother or Gods forbid, my father, I didn’t have much to look forward to. The only orange-haired, she-devil of a woman I’d ever loved didn’t want me. Clearly, she was smart. I came from dubious parentage.

  “Well, if you’re having dick issues, you should probably see a doctor about that,” I said stiffly, thinking this might be the right time to get the hell out.

  My pappy’s roar of laughter made me realized how truly insane or drunk he was. Why my mother thought he could help was beyond me.

  “Not my Johnson! DIC—Divine Immortal Circuit. I’m in charge of all the halfwit gods for the next century—bunch of whiny little shites,” he explained, still chuckling. “And by the way, your salami is impressive. Saw it twenty-five years ago when you streaked across the fifty-yard line at the Super Bowl. Made me proud, son. Thank Zeus’ saggy ass, I videotaped the game. I check out your inherited package once a month. Makes me feel closer to you since your mom wouldn’t let me near you.”

  I was speechless. I didn’t know whether to be horrified or delighted. To be honest, I was a little of both. I needed therapy.

  “It was painfully great meeting you. I have to go,” I said and stood to leave.

  “Ya know,” he went on, ignoring me. “You’re not the only one who thinks my way with words needs help. One of my favorite little swimming hookers, Petunia, said the same thing to me just an hour ago. I love that savage little gal like a daughter.”

  That stopped me dead in my tracks. My head whipped up and I glared at the butterfaced bitch-goblin. I hadn’t heard that particular name in twenty-five years. I refused to speak it. She’d ruined my life and sent me to the pokey.

  Actually, I could take all the credit for ending up in a glass prison. Petunia had nothing to do with me drinking myself into a stupor and displaying my goods. Well, not directly.

  “I’m sorry,” I choked out as Poseidon watched me with great interest. “Could you repeat yourself?”

  “Which part?” he inquired with a grin on his face that I didn’t like.

  “The name. Say the name again,” I growled.

  “Petunia?” he asked, looking as innocent as a whack-job could. “Do you know her?”

  “I used to,” I snapped and then flopped back down onto the uncomfortable chair. “How is she?”

  “Rude as ever,” Poseidon replied. “Asked to join Immortal Snatch.”

  “Something is wrong with her snatch?” I asked, unable to fathom what my pappy had just volunteered. On top of that, I couldn’t believe I’d just spoken the word snatch.

  “Nay,” he said. “I asked her the same question. Forgot I’d named my dating service after Wally’s hooha. Caught me off guard. Anyhoo, I think she’s gay.”

  This was too much to take in. I was dying and my former love was now a lesbian who joined a dating service called Immortal Snatch?

  “Do you mind if I punch you in the head?” I asked my father politely. “I feel the need to hit something and I’d love to take my frustration out on your face.”

  Poseidon didn’t miss a beat. “Hit me, boy! You deserve to throw a few left hooks at your pappy. It must have sucked not having a father—not that I’m a good father. Having over a thousand children is problematic. Not enough time in the day with all my DIC issues.”

  “You realize that was a fucking awful pun. Right?” I said as I crossed the room and got ready to wail on the God of the Sea.

  “Well, there you go. I’m smarter than I look,” Poseidon said triumphantly. “I’m gonna hit back. You good with that?”

  “I’d expect no less,” I said with a grin as I reared back and nailed him between the eyes with a right jab that sent him flying.

  I felt the hit vibrate all the way up my arm to my shoulder. The man’s head was hard. It was life-changing to be able to let loose and smackdown on someone knowing I wouldn’t kill him. My butterfaced bitch-goblin of a father was a god. Gods were impossible to kill.

  Best day of my life.

  Pappy came back with an uppercut that made me see stars. Of course, my one-two punch made him grunt and then scream like a girl.

  Game was on. I hadn’t had this much fun in centuries.

  “You hit like a freight train,” Poseidon said with pride as he mopped the blood from his forehead.

  “You’re not so bad yourself for an old man,” I replied, squinting at him through my almost swollen shut eyes.

  The fight had lasted thirty glorious minutes. His office looked like a tsunami had rolled through. I had sand in every orifice, but I didn’t care. The feeling of freedom was intoxicating. Several times I was sure I was dead but got back to my feet with super inhuman effort. My father was a worthy opponent. Insane but worthy.

  Poseidon pulled a fresh bottle of rum from a drawer in his desk and tossed it to me. “The bottle in my diaper busted when you dropkicked me across the room. Now I actually might have real dick problems.”

  I was no longer able to play it cool with the dolt. I let my head fall back on my shoulders and I laughed. For real. The man was certifiable. And his rum was excellent.

  “So, Del, why are you here? I mean, I’m glad you are,” he said quickly. “I haven’t had an ass-kicking like that in centuries. Always afraid if I really let loose, I’ll kill someone.”

  “Same,” I said, taking another swig and then handing him the bottle. “My mother said I should come see you about a little problem I’m having.”

  “Spit it out, boy. I’m an excellent life coach,” he boasted.

  That was highly unlikely but I had nothing to lose… except my life.

  “You’re aware the Genies are stars, right? Each one of us is an actual star,” I told him, hoping I wouldn’t have to educate him on my kind.

  “Yep.”

  “And if the Genie Star Fire Light in our eyes fades out, we die,” I continued.

  “Yep.”

  His one-word answers weren’t exactly what I was hoping for.

  “My light is going out. I don’t know why. My mother thinks the Genie elders have something to do with it.”

  “That certainly explains the report I got earlier,” Poseidon said with a laugh. “There’s been a smackdown at Genie headquarters. Apparently, a vicious female Genie went apeshit crazy and put the entire elder community into bottles.”

  Gods, I really did love my mother.

  “So, Adara thinks I can help you with the Genie Star Fire Light in your eyes?” Poseidon asked with an odd expression on his battered face.

  “Can you?”

  The
answer was probably no, but I had to admit if I was headed out of this world it was nice to have met my pappy.

  “You ready to follow orders and not ask questions?” Poseidon asked as he downed the rest of the rum in the bottle and went for another.

  He raised a bushy green eyebrow and waited for my answer. Like I really had a choice here?

  “Can I hit you if I think it’s bullshit as long as I don’t question your wisdom or lack thereof?”

  “Absolutely, boy! I was hoping you’d want to go another round,” he shouted and got to his feet.

  Pushing myself to a standing position with effort, I grinned and got ready to go at him again. “Orders?” I demanded as I fisted my hands and got into a fighting stance.

  “Your light is going out because you found your true mate and left her,” Pappy announced as he expertly dodged the vicious right hook I threw at his head.

  “I didn’t leave her. She didn’t want me,” I roared as I avoided the clamshell chair he hurled at me in retaliation. “Besides, Genies don’t have true mates.”

  “You’re not just a Genie,” Poseidon announced as he threw a bolt of lightning that almost singed the hair off my head. “Take a look in the mirror, son, you have the salami of a GOD!”

  And that’s when I laughed. Biggest mistake of the day so far. Pappy got an excellent left hook in that sent me flying and tumbling into his sea glass desk. It shattered into a million glittering shards. If I wasn’t immortal, I’d have been sliced to shreds.

  “Well then,” I said, crawling back to my feet and brushing the sparkling glass off my clothes. “I guess I’m a goner.”

  “You’d be guessing wrong,” Poseidon shot back, grabbing a flat metal rectangle that had somehow avoided getting smashed in the melee. “Get your violent ass over here. You’re the newest member of Immortal Snatch.”

  “What’s that in your hands?” I asked, holding back the need to take him down again.

  “It’s a laptop computer,” Poseidon replied. “It’s a real pain in the ass, but I enjoy playing online Scrabble on it. Pretty sure your mother is playing online too. There is some awful language going on in that chat room.”