Petunia's Pandemonium

by Robyn Peterman

  “Probably,” I agreed as I watched him type rapidly on a keyboard that produced pictures on a screen. I’d missed a lot of technology while I’d been in the bottle.

  “You’ll be headed to Mystical Isle soon,” he said, snapping the box shut and grinning from ear to ear.

  “What’s on Mystical Isle?” I asked warily, feeling my heart beat wildly in my chest.

  Poseidon swallowed the entire contents of his new bottle of rum and then burped like a champion. “Your Genie Star Fire Light is there, boy. And you also have a brother living there named Pirate Doug that will help you. He’s an arse, but he’s blood.”

  “It’s that easy?” I asked doubtfully.

  “Nothing is easy,” my father said. “Not a damned thing worth anything is easy.”

  Those had been the wisest words he spoken so far.

  Unfortunately, he was correct. Very correct.

  5

  Petunia

  It had been five days of non-stop searching for Charybdis and I’d come up empty every time. The whirlpools were everywhere, but there was no sign of the deadly sea monster.

  “She has to be near or the whirlpools wouldn’t be increasing,” I grunted in frustration as I flopped down on the couch in my hut.

  “Aye, I believe the stripey-sweatered sea snake is in the area. Charybdis’ll show her arse soon. Monsters like that one like the credit for thar weevil-eatin’ dastardly deeds,” Upton said, digging into his batch of chocolate chip seaweed cookies with gusto. “Do ye think ye could make an extra batch so I can send some to me cackle fish?”

  “Yolanda likes cookies?” I asked.

  “Aye, little lassie. Me Yolanda has a sweet tooth. Me gal ate the entire dessert aisle in Target last time I was there doin’ me pilferin’. It was a sight to see—just beautiful.”

  The picture in my head wasn’t exactly flattering, so I kept my thoughts to myself. Upton enjoyed licking his nards and Yolanda could eat her own weight in sweets. What did I expect? Honestly though, I couldn’t wait to meet her. As crazy as the stories that Upton told about his mate, she sounded truly lovely—albeit covered in hair and cookie crumbs.

  “Yep, I made some extra. Do you have an address to send them?” I asked, grabbing a few dozen.

  “Don’t need one,” Upton said with a giggle as he snapped his fingers and the cookies disappeared in a pop of icy blue magic. “Me furry love will get them much faster this way than the post office.”

  Gods, I adored magic.

  “Okay, we’re here,” Tallulah announced as she and my cousins marched into my hut and made themselves at home.

  It was odd getting used to having the same people as a constant in my life and I loved it—cautiously. For the first time in a very long time, I felt at home.

  “And why are you here?” I asked with a grin as I grabbed another plate of cookies and put them on the sea glass coffee table.

  “We have to get you registered on Immortal Snatch,” Misty said with a wink as she went for a cookie.

  “Nope. Not doing it. The only reason I said I would was to get info on Charybdis from Poseidon. Since she’s been disowned there’s nothing to learn.”

  Madison pulled a laptop out of her beach bag and snapped it open. “I disagree. Plus, Upton thinks you should have a scallywag of your own.”

  My cousins all had scallywags if their own and were nauseatingly in love. It was fantastic for them even though they’d all chosen oddballs. Absurdly, they assumed I was next in the Mermaid Mating Game. I hated to disappoint them, but they were wrong—very wrong. I’d had my chance and it disappeared. I wasn’t going there ever again.

  “Don’t want a scallywag,” I informed my family. “Men are arses. Present company excluded,” I said to Upton.

  “While I mostly agree,” Tallulah said with a sly smirk. “How long has it been since you’ve done the nasty?”

  “Alrighty then,” Upton yelled, turning pink in the face and getting seriously embarrassed. “Don’t wanna hear the deets about me little Mermaid’s quaffin’ habits. Petunia’s like me own wee bairn that I never had. Although, if me and the cackle fruit had a wee bairn, it’d be a little harrier than me Petunia. So, I’m gonna skeedaddle and work on me hygiene.”

  On that note, Upton sprinted out of the hut with his cookies in tow.

  “He’s gonna lick his nards,” Ariel said with a giggle.

  “Correct,” I said as I swiped at a tear that rolled down my cheek.

  I’d been secretly thinking of Upton as my weird little balding Pirate father since I’d met him. The fact that he was thinking the same overwhelmed me. Life was going good for a change. I just prayed to the diaper-wearing, drunk-assed Poseidon that it lasted.

  “Back to my question. How long since you participated in the horizontal mambo?” Tallulah was all business—nosey business.

  “A while,” I admitted. While Mermaids were very sexual beings, I’d kind of lost my mojo.

  “Define a while,” Tallulah pressed.

  “Twenty-five years,” I whispered.

  The hut went silent. My cousins exchanged alarmed and concerned glances.

  Gods, it did sound awful when spoken aloud. It was all his fault. My runaway mate was the most spectacular nookie partner in the Universe. He’d ruined me for all others. His package alone was insane.

  “A quarter of a century?” Tallulah gasped out.

  “Yesssss,” I hissed. “A quarter of a century.”

  Tallulah wouldn’t understand. She was happily mated to the idiot and very randy Pirate Doug. The colossal mess of immortal idiocy also happened to be the son of Poseidon and heir to the throne. Gods help us all if Poseidon ever retired. Tallulah’s Pirate-Vampire was the very same dimwit who had stolen her heart a century ago. He’d also pilfered all of my cousins’ money because he was an asshat—although he did return it. The heart wanted what the heart wanted. Tallulah wanted Pirate Doug and got her wish. He was growing on me—like a non-contagious itchy rash.

  “Immortal Snatch can solve your dry spell,” Ariel said.

  “Have you been snorting sand?” I asked with a laugh. “Anything called Immortal Snatch is not the way to meet a decent scallywag.”

  “Upton met Yolanda,” she pointed out.

  She was right. And while Upton and his cackle fish were bizarre, they were lovely. I hadn’t even met Yolanda yet and I adored her.

  “I just don’t know,” I said, grabbing a few cookies and inhaling them. Thank the gods that Mermaids had amazing metabolism. I’d eaten several dozen cookies over the last few days.

  “It doesn’t have to be a forever mate,” Ariel insisted. “Just someone to have a little fun with. It’s not normal for a Mermaid to be celibate.”

  It was if you’d been ruined for all others by the sexiest man alive. But that was info I wasn’t going to share.

  Ariel’s mate Keith was a Selkie with the maturity level of a fourth-grade boy. However, the big dummy loved my blue-haired cousin to distraction and she loved his questionably intelligent ass right back. Misty’s mate was a freakin’ demigod—Cupid no less. He wasn’t as dimwitted as Keith or Pirate Doug, but he came with his own set of challenges, which included an ego the size of the continental US.

  And Madison? She’d found Rick—a vegan Werewolf with a death wish that matched hers. They’d just come back from blowhole diving in Hawaii. Madison and Rick had been instrumental in saving me from the Gnomes. As crazy as they were, I would fully support all of their lethal hobbies for eternity.

  “Let’s just look at some of the pictures,” Misty suggested.

  “Fine,” I said, giving up. They weren’t going to leave until I played the game. They wouldn’t win, but I would play.

  “How about him?” Tallulah asked, pointing to the screen. “He’s a Merman.”

  “Nope, he’s wearing a turtleneck alone. No jacket or sweater,” I said, scrunching my nose. “Bad fashion sense.”

  “Agree,” Ariel said with a nod. “Look at this one. He’s a
Warlock.”

  “He looks like a face eater,” I said.

  “A face eater?” Madison asked with a laugh.

  I grinned and nodded. This was actually kind of fun. “Yep. Look at him. He looks like he’d try to eat your face when you made out.”

  “Sweet seashells on a Sunday, she’s right,” Misty said with a belly laugh. “Okay… what’s wrong with this one?”

  “Loud chewer,” I replied with a giggle.

  “Him?” Tallulah asked.

  “Last name is Seamon. Not going there.”

  “She’s good,” Ariel said, getting into it with glee. “How about this one? He’s a Werelion.”

  “That one looks like he has a foot fetish and would want me to put cheese between my toes so he could eat it,” I explained.

  My cousins were now on the floor of my hut rolling around in hysterics. It was the best day ever. Tallulah could barely breathe. It was lucky for her that Mermaids could hold their breath for a week at a time or she’d be a goner.

  “One more,” Ariel begged as she crawled over to the computer and scrolled for more pictures.

  “Two more,” Madison insisted as she pulled herself back together and joined Ariel.

  “Two more and that’s it. I have a freakin’ sea monster to find and kill,” I said, seating myself next to my cousins.

  “Okay,” Misty said, pointing to the screen. “Him?”

  “Looks like he would have long toenails and bring me flowers he stole from a cemetery,” I said, feeling totally on my game as my cousins shrieked in laughter.

  “Ohhhhhhhh,” Tallulah said, gaping at the screen. “You won’t be able to find anything wrong with this one. He’s goooooorgeous. Take a peek at this hottie!”

  And I did.

  And I felt like I was going to faint.

  There was no way in hell this could be happening.

  The son-of-a-bitch left me high and dry twenty-five years ago and then joins a dating service called Immortal Snatch? What were the freakin’ odds?

  I felt dizzy and ill. There was no more laughter from my cousins. They’d seen me go from the quintessential Mermaid comedian to paler than a ghost. My body shook and it took all I had not to cry.

  “You know him?” Tallulah whispered as she wrapped me in her arms and held tight.

  Nodding, I decided I didn’t have to hold back my tears. My girls loved me even with all my numerous faults and weaknesses. “He’s the reason I haven’t boinked anyone in a quarter of a century.”

  “Would you like us to kill him?” Madison asked, completely serious.

  Giggling through my tears, I shook my head no. Never in my life had so many people had my back. “No. He just didn’t want me. It’s okay.”

  “It’s not okay,” Misty hissed. “It’s bullshit. You’re the catch of the freakin’ century.”

  Misty had clearly been drinking seawater. I was no one’s catch.

  “Isn’t that the Genie that streaked during the Super Bowl twenty-five years ago?” Ariel asked, squinting at the picture. “His salami was huge.”

  This was news to me. If he’d done something stupid like that, he’d done it after he’d disappeared from my life. I was busy swimming the Seven Seas after I’d gotten stood up on the day of my mating.

  “It is him,” Tallulah said, glaring at his face on the screen. “From what I recall, he also stole the Mona Lisa and went on TV to prove Genies exist. You’re better off without a douchecanoe like that asshat.”

  None of those escapades sounded like the Delphinus I’d been in love with. They had to be mistaken—well, other than the enormous package. The rest was too out of character for the man I used to love. Whatever. It was a long time ago.

  “Umm… guys,” I said. “I’m gonna go for a swim and search for Charybdis. I’d really like to kill something right now. You feel me?”

  “We do,” Tallulah said, hugging me again. “I’ll get Upton to go with you.”

  “Okay,” I replied, needing the ocean to heal the old wounds that had come roaring back to the surface. The only thing that would make it perfect would be if the stars were out. “I’ll be back in a few hours.”

  “Don’t die,” Ariel said. “If you do, we’ll kill you.”

  “Roger that,” I told her with a forced smile.

  Right now death would be a relief. But before I died, I would kill the one who had killed my parents. Vengeance was my reason for survival right now.

  “She still loves the rat bastard,” Tallulah said to her sisters.

  “Yep,” Ariel agreed. “It was written all over her face. I’d like to chop his impressive wanker right off his very handsome body and shove it down his throat.”

  “I’d like to twist that bastard into a pretzel and feed him to the sharks,” Madison growled. “A man has to be right out of his debatably sane mind not to want someone as fabulous as Petunia. He’s a complete bag of douche.”

  “You got that right,” Misty hissed. “If I ever lay eyes on him, his Genie weenie is a goner. Petunia might not believe in herself, but I do. Sure, her exterior is gorgeous because all Mermaids are lookers, but her insides shine like the stars in the sky.”

  “She needs to believe that,” Tallulah pointed out.

  “We just have to keep loving her,” Ariel said softly.

  “That’s easy,” Madison told her sisters. “Petunia is completely lovable.”

  They thought I’d left, but I listened to their conversation through the open window of my hut as tears rolled down my cheeks. They were so wrong, but I wanted them to be so right. Was I lovable? I didn’t feel it. Oh, I knew my parents loved me and I knew the girls did too. It was also clear that Upton adored me as I did him.

  But me?

  I didn’t love me. And Delphinus didn’t love me…

  Well, screw him—not literally even though that would be pretty fabulous. I didn’t need a man—didn’t want one. If my cousins and Upton thought I was lovable maybe I was.

  It was time to go kill in the name of love. I’d just pretend that Charybdis was Del. It was fitting. I’d kill the old love so I could start brand new. Maybe I’d give a few of the weirdos on Immortal Snatch a try in a year or two from now.

  Maybe.

  I stayed a moment longer and eavesdropped a little more.

  “Well, Pirate Doug’s newly discovered brother is coming for a visit. Maybe he’s not a douche and Petunia will like him,” Tallulah announced. “We’ll have a party and introduce them!”

  “Umm… I’m gonna have to go with Pirate Doug’s brother being a colossal douche,” Ariel said with a giggle. “We can’t unload an assmonkey on Petunia.”

  “She doesn’t have to mate with him,” Madison pointed out. “Just a no strings attached boink.”

  “Let’s let Petunia pick her own douche,” Misty suggested. “However, a party sounds like a great idea.”

  I would be sure to be busy. As much as I loved my cousins, I knew I wasn’t ready to meet anyone. I needed to work on me first.

  6

  Delphinus

  “RUN!” Pirate Doug bellowed as razor-sharp machetes whizzed past our heads. “The crayons with excellent knockers are trying to kill you… or me… or us. Just run for your farkin’ life. The swimming hookers like to go for the nards.”

  “What the actual fuck?” I shouted as I sprinted across the beach and headed into the jungle area of the island.

  “Up the palm tree,” Doug screeched as he climbed like Hades was on the heels of his ridiculous knee-high boots.

  I was no idiot. Doug most definitely was. I’d found that out in the first thirty seconds of speaking with my brother. However, the tree was a damned fine idea.

  “Make no sound,” he whispered as we balanced precariously two-hundred feet off the ground on a palm branch.

  Below us, four furious Mermaids ran through the jungle wielding weapons and growling obscenities. At this point, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to make it till sundown. Pappy was an asshole.

>   “Doug, what the hell is going on?” I whispered, watching the violent women run farther into the jungle.

  The dolt just stared at me. Was he deaf? I didn’t think so, but I tried again facing him so he could read my lips if necessary.

  “Doug,” I said, over-annunciating and talking a little louder now that the posse from hell had passed. “What’s up with the murderous Mermaids?”

  My brother simply stared, crossed his arms over his chest and rolled his eyes. If I wasn’t being hunted by four deadly Mermaids, I would have punched his face in. However, I needed the dumbass at the moment.

  Doug huffed and puffed for three minutes. If we weren’t in a tree, I was fairly sure the freak would have thrown a tantrum. Finally, after rolling his eyes so hard they should have gotten stuck in the back of his head, he decided to speak.

  “Because our drunk off his arse Pappy said to be nice to you or he’ll electrocute me, I will explain one more time. My name is Pirate Doug. The only one allowed to call me Doug is the purple-haired hellion leading the pack of vicious Mermaids. Tallulah’s my mate.”

  “Your mate tries to kill you?” I asked, shocked. I mean, he was an imbecile but that wasn’t a great reason for decapitation.

  “Pretty sure they’re trying to castrate you,” Pirate Doug pointed out rather logically.

  “Why? I’ve never seen any of them in my life.”

  “Did you ever abscond with their treasure?” my brother inquired with a raised brow.

  “Of course not,” I snapped. “That’s an asshole move.”

  “Yes, well…” Pirate Doug stuttered, looking embarrassed. “I’ve been called worse, but that’s not the point. Cleary, you did something to piss off the hookers Not real sure this is the right time for a visit for you if you value life.”

  Did I? Right now, I wasn’t so sure. However, being decapitated by people I didn’t know seemed like a bad way to die.