Petunia's Pandemonium

by Robyn Peterman

  “Sunset on the beach,” Upton said with a giggle. “And I’ve got a surprise for ye!”

  “You didn’t have to do that,” I said somewhat terrified. As much as I adored Upton, he was still a nard licker and put chocolate chips in bean salad. Not sure a surprise was a good thing.

  “Aye, tis nothin’,” he said with a sweet smile. “I like to see ye happy.”

  My heart skipped a beat and I looked at my BFF slash pretend dad. He was a sopping mess and absolutely beautiful. His crooked little grin was perfect and his eyes twinkled like the stars I adored so much.

  Taking his gnarled little hand in mine, I brought it to my cheek. “You make me very happy,” I told him. “You’re the best BFF I’ve ever had.”

  “Awww, ye make me blush like a cutlass flappin’ scuttle hound, Petunia. Yar a good little lassie and I’m proud of ye.”

  I was taken aback. Why in the Seven Seas was Upton proud of me?

  My BFF smiled and patted my head—kind of like I was a dog, but it was the thought that counted. It was as if he could read my mind. Maybe he could. He was a Sphinx after all.

  “I’m proud that ye stayed here on the Mystical Isle and didn’t run away. Ye is givin’ life a real try. I’m proud that yar facing yar own monsters and letting the swimmin’ hookers and me love ye.”

  His statement was so startling that I decided to completely overlook that he’d referred to my cousins—and ultimately me—as hookers. Was I really doing all that?

  “And I believe ye’ve found a new callin’,” Upton added.

  “I have?”

  “Ye have,” he assured me with a wink. “Word around the Seven Seas is that ye’ve started a hitman service. Getting’ rid of one stripey-sweatered sea monster at a time.”

  “Are you serious?” I asked, shocked.

  “Nay. I’m Upton,” he replied. “But I’ve been fieldin’ a few calls for yer services.”

  I was almost speechless. “You have?” I whispered, realizing I maybe I had found my calling. I was really good at killing shit. I’d never thought about making it a business though. “How in the heck do people know?”

  Upton blushed a bright pink and giggled nervously. “Well, I might have put yar new business on social media.”

  Okay, it was weird enough that Upton was on social media, but the fact that he cared enough to think about me and help me find a job I wouldn’t get fired from was amazing. Although, I was slightly concerned to find out what he’d posted.

  “What did you say?” I asked cautiously.

  “Well, umm… I named yer business and registered the trademark. Also incorporated ye and sent up yer business accounts at the last bank me and the arses robbed. Met some lovely people thar. Plus, they had excellent security installed after we cleaned ‘em out. And while I was at it, I created ye a logo—a flame-haired Mermaid surrounded by stars, wieldin’ a huge machete. I put yer logo and me cell phone number on social media and my phone has been ringing off the hook!”

  “Wow,” was all I could say. My BFF had been busy. However, there was still one thing I needed to know. “What exactly did you call my new business?”

  I held my breath and waited. After I’d learned what Poseidon had named his dating service Immortal Snatch, I was wary. Upton did enjoy becoming one with his nards.

  Although, my little buddy had done so much for me that I was going to stick with whatever he named my new career venture—no matter how horrifying. To think that Upton had figured out the one thing I was good at and turned it into something lucrative was mind-blowing. My limber BFF humbled me.

  “If ye don’t like it, ye can change it,” Upton said quickly. “Won’t hurt me feelings a bit, lassie.”

  “Tell me,” I said with a laugh. I mean, how bad could it be?

  Upton took a deep breath, puffed his chest out and slowly slid into a left side split. “Arsehole Assassinations compliments of Petunia the Sea Monster Slayer!” he crowed with delight.

  It was horribly fantastic—and very long. I would have chosen something vastly different, but I never would have come up with the idea in the first place.

  “I love it,” I said, trying to slide into the splits alongside him, but only getting halfway there. “And I love you.”

  “I love ye too, little Mermaid,” Upton said as he helped me untangle myself from my awkward position. “And just so ye know, it was all me cackle fruit’s idea.”

  “Yolanda hatched this plan?”

  “Aye,” he said. “All except for the name of yer new business. That was all me!”

  “You did great,” I assured Upton, hugging the little man. “Do my cousins know?”

  “Aye,” he said, doing a fancy little jig that reminded me of someone having to go to the bathroom really bad. “Tallulah had t-shirts and hats made up with yer logo on ‘em. And the violent lovely lassies created an office space for ye in the lodge—even made a little area for me since I’ll be yer handler. The thoughtful swimmin’ hookers also put a door on me space so I could have privacy to cleanse me gangoolies! Me cackle fruit t’will be so delighted that ye like the plan.”

  “I can’t wait to meet Yolanda and hug her too.”

  “Might come sooner than ye think. Mebbe really soon,” Upton said with a secretive smile, rocking back on his heels and trying to hide his excitement.

  Well, crap. I’d bet my orange tail that my surprise was Yolanda’s arrival. Tonight. I’d had no intention of going to the shindig, but I wouldn’t disappoint Upton for anything in the world.

  “I’ll see you at sundown,” I promised my giggling BFF.

  “Don’t be late, lassie! Life is lookin’ up!”

  Life certainly was looking up. And Upton was a big reason for that.

  I’d already met my pretend dad. Tonight, I would meet my pretend mom.

  I couldn’t wait.

  “You have to wear something sexy tonight,” Misty insisted, going through my bikini tops and sarong skirts like her life or mine depended on it. “You need to rub it in major.”

  “Umm… pretty much all my clothes are sexy,” I said, perplexed. Rub what in?

  My four cousins paced my hut in distress with odd expressions on their lovely faces. Not to mention, they were all scratched up and Ariel had palm leaves in her blue hair. I was fairly sure it wasn’t a fashion choice since they were placed haphazardly. While the scrapes on their arms and legs were healing quickly, the looks on their faces were positively strange.

  Wait. A. Minute.

  They knew about my surprise.

  “Oh my gosh,” I said with a laugh as I shook my head and realized how much my cousins truly loved me. “I get it. I know who’s going to be at the shindig. I think it’s sweet that you want me to look nice.”

  “Sweet?” Tallulah asked, wildly confused.

  “Yep,” I assured her with a smile. “Upton let it out of the bag. I’m excited.”

  Misty’s knees gave out and she dropped to the couch. “Excited?” she whispered in shock.

  Did they not like Yolanda? If they didn’t, I would definitely set their asses straight. If Upton loved Yolanda, all of us were going to love her. Period. Maybe they’d never met a Yeti. I certainly hadn’t and I couldn’t wait.

  “You know who’s here?” Ariel asked, paling considerably.

  They were starting to piss me off. I never thought my cousins were speciests. Hating a species because they were hairy, liked to lead humans on wild goose chases and loved cookies was all kinds of wrong. What the heck was going on here? I watched as they exchanged furtive glances with each other and I wanted to smackdown on all of them. This was unacceptable. Upton would be devastated if he could hear them being so awful about his beloved cackle fruit.

  “Of course I know,” I ground out. “And I’m happy about it.”

  “You are?” Madison asked as her eyes went wide.

  Enough was enough.

  “Yesssssss,” I snapped. “When Upton told me, I was thrilled. I can’t wait. Although, I real
ly think looking too sexy might be kind of weird. I want to make a good impression.”

  “I am so confused,” Ariel muttered.

  “So, we’re not supposed to kill it?” Tallulah choked out.

  “Have you been smoking seaweed?” I shouted. “First of all, it’s not an it. It’s a person with feelings. I can’t believe you would kill an important guest that comes in peace. What has gotten into you girls?”

  “I don’t know. We thought we were doing you a favor,” Ariel said, looking like she wanted to cry. “We almost succeeded in decapitation earlier today. Now I’m so glad we failed.”

  “Sweet shit on a seashell,” I yelled as my hair began to blow around my head and my fingers shot sparkling orange flames. “Are you hookers trying to ruin my life? I’ve waited so long for this day to come. I mean, I know it’s pretend, but it means the world to me. If you kill my surprise, I can’t have a family.”

  “You want to have a family with it?” Misty asked with a flabbergasted look on her face as she pulled on her green hair.

  “It’s not an IT,” I shouted and zapped all four of my cousins at the same time. I was that good. Being an assassin was going to work for me. “Sorry, guys.”

  “It’s fine,” Tallulah said, snapping her fingers and dousing the flames. “We had no clue you felt this way. We’re really sorry.”

  “Do you promise to be nice?” I asked.

  “We do,” Madison promised. “In fact, we’ll go apologize now.”

  “We’ll make it right,” Ariel added. “We’ll do anything for you, Petunia. You have to know that.”

  “We’ll even grovel,” Misty said.

  I sighed and looked at my cousins. Maybe something bad had happened with a Yeti in their past. In my heart, I knew Yolanda was a beautiful person. Upton wouldn’t love her so much if she was evil. Maybe once they sat down and got to know her everything would be fine. In fact, I knew it would. My cousins were truly good people. This was just a horrible misunderstanding. As long as Yolanda hadn’t been decapitated, it would all work out.

  “Thank you,” I said. “That means the world to me.”

  “Alrighty then,” Tallulah said, moving toward the door of my hut. “We’ll see you at sundown?”

  “You will,” I told the girls as they filed out still looking a bit perplexed.

  I’d done a good thing today. I was beginning to like myself… maybe even love myself a little. Teaching my family that all species were made equally important was a fine start.

  Except for sea monsters. They were assholes.

  After tonight, I would find Charybdis and eliminate her. I had a new business and a reputation to uphold. If I was going to be an assassin, I was going to be a kickass one.

  8

  Delphinus

  It wasn’t my finest moment. When I opened my eyes from my nap on the piece of shit lawn chair that my brother had informed me he’d pilfered from Target, I screamed—like a girl. I screamed like a fucking girl.

  In my defense, they were all standing over me and were within castration distance.

  “Dude,” the purple-haired one said—who I was pretty sure was Tallulah, my brother’s mate. Which of course meant there was something seriously wrong with her. “Ease up. We come in peace.”

  “Your over-sized disco stick is safe,” the pink-haired one said with a friendly smile.

  Great, they’d seen the Super Bowl too. Apparently, I would never live that moment of insanity down. Since I’d been released from the pokey, I had yet to meet someone who hadn’t seen my junk.

  This had to be a trick. If I killed them, my brother would probably be pissed. He seemed to like the hellcats. However, if I did nothing, I’d probably die a violent death. Shit. The choices were not good.

  “Is this a boobytrap?” I asked in a lower tone than I usually used. I had to make up for screaming like a girl.

  “Boobytrap is partyboob spelled backwards,” my traitorous asshole of a brother announced, joining my death posse. The crazy Pirate was grinning like a fool and gave me a thumbs up.

  I had to think for a minute to figure out if the idiot was correct. He was.

  Eyeing the vicious murdering Mermaids, I weighed my options. Had Pirate Doug given me any accurate information on how to communicate with seafaring executioners? Only one way to find out. I was dying anyway. What did it matter? A swift death by a foursome with nice racks wouldn’t be the worst way to go. However, these Mermaids didn’t hold a candle to my Mermaid—who wasn’t exactly mine.

  “Good afternoon, swimming hookers,” I said as pleasantly as I could without wincing at the words leaving my lips. “Your… umm… hooters are looking exceptionally perky and bodacious today. I’ve haven’t seen such umm… nice shirt potatoes in quite a while.”

  “She likes him?” the green-haired one said with an eye roll. “Seriously?”

  I needed to do better. Clearly, I hadn’t impressed the homicidal maniacs with my first attempt.

  “Lovely day,” I went on, racking my brain for offensive terms for knockers. From what Pirate Doug had shared, the worse the nickname the better. “My drunk-assed pappy, Poseidon, didn’t tell me what enormous lady nuts you gals had. If I’d known about the blouse balloons you were sporting, I would have visited my imbecile brother sooner. Your sweater stretchers put all other chest pillows to shame.”

  They were either appalled or impressed. All four Mermaids stood silently with their mouths hanging open. Pirate Asshole gave me a wink so I kept going.

  “Yabos like yours are rare. From here it appears that your jigglejogglers are real, which is quite impressive. Fun bubbles like the ones protruding from your chests are my reason for living. For a while I considered changing my name to Chesticles Melons. However, since Genies are named after the star they represent and no star is named Chesticles Melons I was unable to change my moniker. However, I’m planning on talking to whoever is in charge about naming a few stars after mammaries in your honor.”

  “Is he right in the head?” the one with blue hair whispered, looking at me like I was a fungus growing science experiment.

  Which was exactly what I felt like after uttering all the ludicrous bullshit. However, I was still alive, so maybe Pirate Doug had been correct.

  “Doug,” Tallulah hissed, turning and smacking her mate in the head. “Did you teach your brother how to talk to a Mermaid?”

  “Maybe,” Pirate Doug said, ducking an outstanding left hook from his mate. “But he came up with some stuff just now that I need to put on my knockers list. My brother is brilliant.”

  “Your brother is a bigger dumbass than you are,” Tallulah informed him, giving me the stink eye. “However, we’re here to apologize for trying to lop his wanker off with a machete earlier today.”

  “You are?” I asked, cautiously moving a safe distance away from the crazed posse.

  “We are,” the green-haired killer said. “It was a misunderstanding.”

  “That was quite a misunderstanding,” I muttered, keeping my hands over my jewels.

  “It happens. And we are so happy we didn’t kill you,” the blue one said. “It would have been just awful.”

  Pirate Doug, who was now hiding behind a barrel to avoid further maiming from his mate chimed in. “He’s dying anyway. Might be kinder to behead my brother with the monster package. Although, mine is bigger,” he added with a bow.

  “Dude,” I snapped. “What part of can you keep a secret didn’t you understand?”

  “Shite, my bad. Sorry, Delpenis,” he shouted and then banged his head on the barrel so hard he passed out.

  Thankfully, he was immortal and would wake up eventually. As stupid as he was, he was my brother and my only ally on this dangerous isle.

  “Your name is Delpenis?” Tallulah asked with a sour look on her face.

  “No. No my name is not Delpenis. It’s Delphinus. I go by Del. My brother’s an ass and can’t get my name right,” I said, ready to call to my magic carpet if the meeting went any f
arther south than it already had. “And I’d like to apologize for my disgusting dialogue. Doug said you gals love talk like that.”

  “He lets you call him Doug?” Tallulah asked, surprised.

  “Actually, no,” I admitted. “But since he’s down for the count, I figured I could call him whatever I want.”

  “P.S. We hate the boob speak and don’t ever call us swimming hookers or we’ll call you Delpenis,” Tallulah added.

  “Got it,” I said with a small smile. At least I had some legit ground rules now.

  “I like to call Pirate Doug a gaping douchecanoe of utter stupidity,” the one with blue hair volunteered with a giggle. “Oh, and I’m Ariel. We’re really sorry that we tried to kill you.”

  “Okay,” I said, still not trusting that they were sincere. “Thank you. And I’m glad I didn’t kill you when I woke up. I think.”

  “I’m Madison,” the pink-haired one said with slightly narrowed eyes.

  She didn’t trust me. That was fine. I didn’t trust any of them.

  “I’m Misty,” the green-haired Mermaid told me. “You’re dying?”

  She certainly got to the point.

  Nodding, I decided not to go into the particulars. It was none of their business. Besides, it was embarrassing. Petunia was their cousin.

  “That’s not good,” Tallulah said, eyeing me with concern. “She’ll be devastated.”

  “Who will be devastated?” I asked, as my stomach turned a flip flop.

  “Petunia,” Madison said. “She wants to start a family with you. I don’t think you deserve her, but she loves you apparently.”

  “Are you sure you have the right Genie?” I asked as my heart pounded wildly in my chest.

  “Sadly, yes,” Misty said, glaring at me. “After what you did, I don’t know why she still loves you.”