Petunia's Pandemonium

by Robyn Peterman

  Shit. Was the nude run at the Super Bowl going to follow me until I died? I could fix this. I had to fix this. If Petunia really loved me, we could start over. Occasionally the truth could set you free. I hoped this was one of those times.

  “I was completely and utterly drunk,” I volunteered quickly. “I can’t be held responsible for my actions. I regret it completely and would do anything in the Universe to take it back.”

  The Mermaids exchanged glances and Tallulah stepped forward.

  “So, you’ll never run like that again?” she asked.

  “Absolutely not,” I replied, crossing my heart to show my sincerity. Showing my pecker to the world was idiocy personified. “By far the stupidest thing I ever did.”

  “Fine,” she said with her purple eyes sparking ominously. “But if you ever hurt her like that again, your Gennie weenie is toast. You feel me?”

  “I do,” I said with a wide grin and a delighted laugh, feeling the happiest I had in twenty-five years. “Petunia really wants me?”

  “Yep,” Tallulah said. “I think she’s insane, but then again I mated with Pirate Passed Out over there. Mermaids are idiots when it comes to love.”

  “That’s fantastic,” I shouted. “Fucking fantastic.”

  “We’ll see,” Madison said, still eyeing me warily.

  She could eye me however she wanted. Life was fanfuckingtastic. Whatever I’d done to make Petunia leave the first time, I would never do again.

  This time I was going to get it right.

  The longevity of my dick and my happiness depended on it… not to mention my life.

  “If you really want to get into your Mermaid’s thong, I’d suggest borrowing one of my spiffy outfits for the shindig,” Pirate Doug proposed, going through his closet in his cramped and messy quarters.

  The Mermaids had high-tailed it back to the island several hours ago and my brother had come to a good while after their departure. I’d been left alone with my thoughts for a bit. I was like a human kid on Christmas morning. I paced like a madman. Unsure of what to do with myself, I began to clean my brother’s shitty ship. I hadn’t made it below yet, hence his room was still a shitshow.

  “I look fine,” I said, glancing down at my black t-shirt, black pants and combat boots. It was my bad-assed Genie look. Petunia had always loved it.

  “I thought Genies went shirtless and wore puffy pants and a head wrap with jewels,” my brother said, holding up an enormous pile of lace that I think was supposed to be a shirt.

  “Some do,” I said, refusing to even touch the horrifying piece of material that he held out to me. “I’m not your typical Genie.”

  “Nay, you’re not,” he said with a laugh. “Pappy said you kicked his ass. Would have loved to have seen that. With all due respect—which means none—that soused jackhole deserves a smackdown.”

  I grinned. “It was liberating—excellent to fight someone without worrying about killing them. The drunk bastard’s head is as hard a rock. A solid freakin’ punch to the head is exhilarating.”

  “That’s the way I feel about my singing,” Pirate Doug announced proudly. “I can kill anyone dead where they stand after only a few bars.”

  “I’m sorry. What?” I asked, squinting at him. I was well aware that my brother was confused about… well, almost everything. Did he really think he could destroy an enemy by singing?

  “Yep,” he went on proudly. “Blew up a fuck-ton of Krakens with my warbling.”

  “For real?” If he was telling the truth, that was jaw-dropping.

  “One hundred percent.” Pirate Doug nodded and tried again to hand me the lacy frock.

  “I’m impressed,” I told him, pretending I didn’t notice the disaster in his hands. “You know if Petunia mates with me, I won’t die.”

  Doug’s eyes grew wide. “Is that a secret too?”

  Shit. Why was I telling the imbecile things I shouldn’t? Maybe reverse psychology would work here… Doubtful, but worth a shot.

  “Umm… no. Not a secret,” I said carefully, wondering about the wisdom of my new ploy. Doug aka Dong was definitely not a mental gymnast so I was hoping this plan of action would work.

  I didn’t want Petunia to feel like she had to mate with me to save my life. That would be far worse than death. Petunia had to want me for me. I was aware I wasn’t a prize, especially after my famous Super Bowl run, but I’d done my time in the bottle

  “Maybe I’ll wear some puffy pants and a jeweled headpiece in honor of you, my brother,” Pirate Doug said, searching through his closet. “I’m sure I have a costume in here. Tallulah likes to get spicy and I ordered a bunch of shit to turn her hot purple ass on.”

  “Her ass is purple?” I asked even though I really didn’t want the answer.

  “Nay. It’s a finger of speech.”

  “You mean figure,” I corrected him.

  “You got that right, my man,” Pirate Doug said with a hearty laugh. “My swimmin’ hooker’s figure is outstanding.”

  It was time for a change of subject. One of the more alarming qualities of my brother—and there were many—was that he was distracted as easily as a five-year-old.

  “So, tell me more about Charybdis,” I said, realizing if I did away with the sea monster, I would earn points with both Petunia and her crazy cousins.

  “No one knows much,” Pirate Doug said. “The vermin is sneaky and likes to hide.”

  “Could you kill her with a song?” I asked, curious.

  “Probably,” he said. “But I’d most likely blow out the eardrums of everyone within a three- hundred-mile radius. It would be seriously bad for my swimmin’ hooker’s business.”

  “Got it,” I said, wondering if he had been dropped on his head as a baby. “Not to worry. I plan to kill the shit out of it.”

  “You know,” my brother said, scratching his head. “I always heard Genies weren’t good fighters.”

  “Normally they’re not. Or at least not the male Genies. The females are foul-mouthed savages,” I told him.

  “Aye,” Pirate said with a shudder and a grin. “Kind of like the swimmin’ hookers.”

  “Kind of,” I agreed with a chuckle. “However, I’m not just a Genie.”

  Pirate Doug’s smile widened as he slowly figured out what I meant. It took him five minutes and twenty seconds. I waited patiently for the idiot’s brain to work.

  “That’s right!” he bellowed as he stripped and put on a Genie costume that was so horribly insulting I almost punched him in the head. “Delpenis and Pirate Dong forever! Two well-hung brothers who also happen to be mother humpin’ gods!”

  I laughed. There was no way I couldn’t. And he was actually correct—humility-free, but correct.

  Life was looking up. Finally.

  9

  Petunia

  “Where is she?” I asked, sprinting across the sand to Upton.

  My mass of orange curls bounced around my head in the fragrant evening ocean breeze. I’d let it go wild and free since I figured my pretend mom would be pretty hairy. I’d chosen a teal jeweled bikini top and a teal and orange sarong. My feet were bare, but I’d painted my toenails teal too. I wanted to be put together and looking my best for the new Yeti in my life.

  I hadn’t felt this excited in twenty-five years. The last time I felt this kind of joy was when my pathetic joke of a mating that didn’t happen because the turd-knocking asshead didn’t want me. Tonight wouldn’t end in heartbreak. I was sure of it.

  My BFF was busy putting the worst looking bean concoction I’d ever seen onto the loaded down buffet table. My cousins had outdone themselves for Yolanda. The beach looked like a magical island paradise. Tiki torches blazed and twinkling white lights lit the palm trees that surrounded the secluded area my cousins used for their shindigs. Not a human was present at this immortal party—just family and close friends. It was perfect.

  I sighed with happiness. My girls were doing their best to make up for trying to kill Upton’s and my c
ackle fruit. It warmed my heart and made me love them even more than I already did. I knew once they met her and got over their fear of Yetis that everything would be awesome.

  Glancing around, I tried to spot my pretend mom. I wondered if Yolanda was always in Yeti form or if she had a human-looking form like other shifters. Whatever. Furry or not, I was already in love. I could only hope she was as excited to meet me as I was to meet her.

  Sparkling seashell centerpieces sat atop the festively decorated tables. And the food? The food smelled wonderful. Well, except for Upton’s bean salad—which smelled like something that had been pulled out of the garbage after a week… in August.

  “Would ye like to try it?” Upton asked, spooning me up an enormous bowl.

  “Umm… what’s in it again?” I asked, trying to keep the bile in my stomach instead of my mouth.

  “Beans, mayo, chocolate chips and I added some hardboiled eggs and Limburger cheese to fancy it up,” he replied with the pride of someone who had no business in a kitchen. Ever. “Watch out for the eggshells. Methinks I peeled ‘em right, but them little bow bunglers are slippery!”

  “I’ll have some later,” I promised with my fingers crossed behind my back. “Where’s Yolanda? She’s the reason I’m here.”

  “Yolanda comes tomorrow, lassie,” Upton said, taking a taste of his culinary creation and spitting it onto the ground. “Don’t eat the bean salad. Methinks the eggs might be rancid.”

  “Okay,” I said, feeling deflated and wanting to cry. “But I thought you said she was my surprise for tonight.”

  “Nay, lassie. Sorry if ye misunderstood. Tis me own fault,” Upton said, giving me a sweet hug. “Yolanda is so excited to meet ye that she had her beard braided and dyed orange to match yer hair! Me cackle fruit is giving the humans one last good chase before me scurvy wench takes a vacation.”

  I was confused. If Yolanda wasn’t here, that meant my cousins hadn’t tried to decapitate her. Of course, it also meant they weren’t speciests—which was terrific. However, I couldn’t for the immortal life of me figure out who they’d tried to kill in my honor.

  Not to mention, I was a little thrown that my pretend mom had a beard. Whatever. I was cool with that. It was sweet that she’d dyed it orange. But if it wasn’t Yolanda, who in the heck had my cousins tried to exterminate?

  Shit on a flaming seashell. Was it Charybdis? Had I mistakenly led them to believe that I was cool with the sea monster that had killed my parents? It definitely made sense of their earlier strange reactions in my hut. Had Upton made bean salad for a sea monster?

  Wait. Maybe the bean salad would kill the sea monster…

  “Upton,” I said as my pulse raced and my fingers began to spark. “Who is this shindig for?”

  “It’s fer Pirate Doug’s brother,” he replied, still gagging from taking a taste of his dish. “Haven’t met the bloke yet, but the swimmin’ hookers have rolled out the red carpet on account of ye.”

  “Of me?” I asked, not following at all.

  “Aye,” Upton said with a wink. “Word is that ye want to start a family with the dingy dangler. I’m real proud of ye, Petunia. Givin’ the greasy-haired sea rat a second chance is a right fine notion. Me and me cackle fruit would love to have some grand-wee-bairns to teach how to pilfer. But if the cutlass flappin’ fish stink treats ye wrong this time, it’s a trip to Davy Jones’ locker for the scallywag.”

  What in the flaming seashells was my BFF talking about?

  “He’s here and he’s hot!” Ariel squealed as she ran up to me and hopped up and down in the sand. “At first, I thought he was brain damaged like Pirate Doug, but he’s not.”

  “That’s nice,” I said, plastering a fake smile on my lips as my stomach roiled. Clearly, I had accidentally led my cousins to believe I was going to boink Pirate Doug’s brother. I didn’t even know Pirate Doug’s brother. And there was no way the Seven Seas I was going to boink anyone who was related to Pirate Doug.

  “After we set him straight that waxing disgustingly poetic about our knockers was bad form, he seemed okay,” Madison said, joining Ariel and giving me a hug.

  “We are soooo relieved we didn’t de-wank or behead him,” Tallulah said, taking my hand and squeezing it. “We would have felt just horrid if we had.”

  “Right,” I said, trying to figure out how I was going to get out of this.

  “And if his junk is as big as it looked on TV, you’re gonna have a GREAT night,” Misty said with a wide grin.

  “Pirate Doug’s brother is a porn star?” I whispered in shock and disgust. How much more horrifying could this get?

  “Not as far as we know,” Tallulah said. “I mean, he probably could be with that Johnson, but he doesn’t seem the type.”

  “You’ve all seen his Johnson?” I choked out.

  What was wrong with this dude? Had he shown up and waved his Johnson around? Was that why they’d tried to castrate him? Pressing my fingers to the bridge of my nose, I tried not to laugh or scream. This was a mess.

  “I’d bet our treasure chest that most of the world has seen his Johnson,” Ariel said, completely serious. “And just so you know, he apologized—said he was completely drunk.”

  “When he showed the world his Johnson?” I asked, trying to piece the alarming story together.

  “Well, probably,” Tallulah said. “Poseidon is his father. Getting soused and doing stupid shit runs in the family. But, no. He apologized for not showing up to your mating because he was wasted.”

  Oh. My. Gods.

  No. Freakin’. Way.

  My hair began to blow around my head and my fingers shot out sparkling streams of orange flame. The buffet table was now on fire. This was not necessarily a bad thing since it meant no one would get food poisoning from Upton’s bean salad.

  “Petunia?” Tallulah said in alarm. “You okay?”

  “Nope,” I snapped as I waved my hands in a circular motion. The gentle ocean breeze picked up and blew all the seashell centerpieces right off of the festively decorated tables. “Where is he?”

  “Over there,” Ariel whispered in fear as she pointed to the left.

  My head whipped to the direction she’d pointed and my stomach dropped to my toes. There he stood, looking every bit as beautiful as I remembered him—six foot four of blond-haired, perfectly muscled perfection. His lashes were stupidly long and his lips were so kissable, it made me dizzy.

  Delphinus—the rat bastard—stood next to his brother, Pirate Doug. The Pirate looked ridiculous clad in some kind of dime-store Genie costume. Del was in head to toe black. I was in such a state of shock, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to zap the shit out of him or tackle him and play tonsil hockey.

  “What is he doing here?” I growled at my cousins.

  “Shit,” Tallulah muttered. “We should have killed him.”

  “No worries,” I said, as I walked slowly across the sand. “I can do it.”

  The guests ducked and ran for cover. The smile that had been on Delphinus’ absurdly pretty face only moments ago disappeared. Pirate Doug tried to pull his brother to safety, but the idiot Genie was having none of it. He stood his ground and waited for me to kick his ass.

  That was weird. Why wasn’t he afraid?

  “Why are you here?” I demanded, hoping my expression looked pissed because my insides were tingling wildly with desire.

  I was not stupid.

  I would not jump him.

  I would not kiss him.

  And I certainly wouldn’t boink him.

  “I love you,” he said warily. “I’m sorry for displaying my junk during halftime of the Super Bowl twenty-five years ago.”

  Well, that certainly explained why everyone had seen his pecker. However, that wasn’t the issue at the moment.

  “If you love me why didn’t you show up?” I snapped, narrowing my eyes and getting ready to zap his bitable ass.

  The look of confusion on his face would have been amusing if he hadn’t ruined my li
fe.

  “What are you talking about?” Delphinus asked, squinting at me in disbelief. “You didn’t show up.”

  The oohs and ahhs from the dummies hiding under the tables sounded like the background music of a seriously bad B movie.

  “Good one,” I hissed, flicking my fingers and sending an orange flame of magic that set his shirt on fire.

  Removing his flaming shirt much to the pleasure of all the women present, he glared at me like I was insane.

  “You have some nerve, Petunia,” Del growled. “After you stood me up, I went nuts.”

  “That’s when Delpenis got soused and unveiled his impressive beef bullet at the Super Bowl,” Pirate Doug shouted from the top of a palm tree.

  “My name is not Delpenis, you imbecile,” Del shouted at his brother.

  “My bad,” Pirate Doug yelled back.

  “I can’t believe this shit,” I muttered as I grabbed a seashell chair and dropped onto it while still glaring at the lying sack of sand staring at me. “You are so full of it.”

  “You’re one to talk,” Del shot right back. “You said you loved me and then bailed.”

  The oohs and ahhs were louder now and more emotional if I wasn’t mistaken. I was about to zap everyone’s ass here.

  “I cannot believe you can stand there and lie like that,” I said, feeling like I was going to cry. “And even if that were true, WHICH IT’S NOT, why didn’t you try to find me?”

  Delphinus went silent. His chin dropped to his chest and my heart shattered to a million pieces… again. So much for an evening without heartbreak.

  “My brother with the grand mandingo was put into the glass pokey for twenty-five years,” Pirate Doug shouted as he fell out of the tree and landed with a thud in the sand next to his brother. “Showing your pork sword on national television is apparently against the law. I didn’t know this, but it’s true. Call me crazy…”

  “Crazy,” Del said with an eye roll aimed at his brother. “You are batshit crazy.”

  “Thank you,” Pirate Doug replied sincerely and continued. “As I was saying, my brother with the massive zipper sausage was incarcerated by a bunch of girly-pants-wearing Genie bastards who were jealous and threatened by his outstanding trouser snake. However, I’d like to announce that due to a wish granted by my large knobbed brother, my peepee is now slightly bigger than his.”