Never Been Loved

by C.M. Kars

  “That’s all it took. One look at your shirts, a different one every day after you’d come home, and fuck – Fuck! I wasn’t drowning anymore. I couldn’t wait to see what you had next. I’d listen for you to come out of your place, wonder what other little facet of you you’d show me.”

  Those shirts got me through hard times, they took away the shittiness of the day. The boredom of my job, the kid’s tantrums, my mom’s orders. They took me out of my head for a little while, enough for me to find out what they meant on Google, and laugh and think about who this girl was, what she could be.

  I disentangle my hand from both of hers, and slowly wrap it around the side of her neck, feeling the steady pulse of her blood flowing under my palm. She looks like she’s holding her breath. Her mouth half-opens and I want to groan. She’s not playing fair.

  “I’m not going to kiss you. Not until you’re sure of what you want, Sera.” Be a gentleman. It’s always her choice – she can do so much better than you.

  I’m going to try, anyway. I’m going to give it my best shot. If she wants me, too.

  “Good?” All the air seems to fall out of her, and the word comes out as a question. Oh, fuck, I’m sporting another semi and she hasn’t even done anything to me. I give her neck a little squeeze, just because I wish I could crush her in my arms and give her a hug.

  Yeah, she wants me, too.

  I stare at her face in the dark, and say what’s on my mind.

  “I want you to know that this happening. I’m going to be in your life, and you’re going to be in mine and Matty’s. You make it better. I just have to find a way to make yours just as good.”

  She looks completely bewildered. Did I fuck this up, too? Shit, I’ve been out of the game for so long, how the hell do you ask a female out, nowadays? Maybe I shouldn’t have told her that this is happening without giving her a choice?

  Shit, watch what you say, asshole. You can’t go commanding people to do your fucking bidding.

  “I... I don’t know what to say to that.” Sera chews on her lip and clears her throat. “I’m not sure if the appropriate response is ‘stalker much?’ or not.”

  A laugh comes out of me, and ends in a rumble in my chest. I don’t think I’ve smiled so much in one night. I squeeze the side of her neck again, wanting to show her how very fucking cute I think she is. I lean closer, and watch her lower lip tremble – I’m not even sure she notices it. I get close enough so our foreheads are touching and we’re sharing the same parcel of air.

  Fuck, I want her to want me. Bad.

  But there’s something holding her back, and it’s going to be ‘an adventure’, like Matty says, to figure it all out.

  “Maybe I’m being too intense. Maybe I’m going to scare you off.” I pull away slowly, reluctantly, and get her seat belt unbuckled for her. “Maybe you’ll realize you’re the one I want and shut up about it.”

  Red alert, red alert! This ship is going down! Fucking shit, MacLaine, what is wrong with you?

  She pulls her head back, and pulls her lips back from her teeth. She’s my lioness again, ready to rip me apart. I shouldn’t find that so sexy, but I do.

  “Yeah, okay, best way to get me to fall for you – be a dick. This isn’t Fifty Shades of Grey, MacLaine! I don’t ‘yes, Master’ and follow like a good little bitch. Jesus, you almost had me. Almost.”

  Yeah, I heard everything she said, swear to God. The part my brain keeps playing over and over though? How she could be falling for me. My heart’s not gonna fit in my chest real soon, feels like it’s about to explode.

  I watch, paralyzed in place as she gets into it with her belt, trying to untangle herself, just to tangle herself more snugly, her amazing tits jiggling all over the place, her growls and grunts putting my semi into the full hard-on territory. Holy fuck, how has she been single for all this time? And how am I the luckiest bastard to be chasing after her?

  I can’t stop laughing, just because she’s fucking adorable when she’s pissed. She hisses like a feline would, and practically tries to rip the door off its hinges, trying to get out. I fold my arms over my abs, they’re starting to hurt. Fuck crunches, and all the shit I do at the gym, this is a better way to keep my six pack a six.

  I catch up to her as she’s gone halfway up the stone steps, the very ones I’ve almost cracked my skull on many, many times. The ones where Jules and I used to race up to rush into the house to get a snack from Eddie.

  The memory doesn’t hurt in a sore spot like it used to, and I’m still laughing when I wrap my arms around Sera’s middle, not even stopping when she tenses up in my arms. A streak of insight flashes across my brain – some asshole motherfucker hurt Sera so much that she thinks she’s not beautiful or some shit. Like she can’t really see what’s staring back at her from the reflection in the mirror.

  How fucking gorgeous and great she is.

  Her tits are pillowed my by arms, and her hands are wrapped around my arms, not to pull away but to bring me closer. My front comes flush with her sexy ass, her thighs and back, her shampoo wafting up my nose and making my mouth water. Fuck, she probably feels me all hard against her like a fucking teenager who has no control over anything.

  Zombies, zombies eating brains. Chair. Zombies on a chair, eating brains.

  I take my chances and swoop into the area where her shoulder meets her neck, and fucking nuzzle like I’m her lion. I pull in a breath and press a small kiss to her skin, wishing I could do more without overstepping my bounds.

  Sera’s put me at arm’s length and I’m going to push that as far as I can go. Doesn’t mean I’m going to break her arm while doing it, just means I’ve got to convince her to bend her elbow and let me get close to her.

  Diabetes took the life out of my life, the spontaneity, the fun. Sera can give me all that back.

  She lets out this fucking sound, somewhere between a moan and a whimper, and I have to seriously concentrate on the gross ass habit of zombies eating human cortical matter to get my mind off the danger zone way down south.

  “You keep making those sounds and I’m going to get in trouble,” I tell her, feeling her nails dig into the skin of my arms, liking that reaction a hell of a lot.

  “I didn’t do anything!” she practically screeches, panicking. “You’re the one instigating all the fraking time. C’mon, poor Edouard’s probably all tuckered out; Matty knows how to party.”

  Sera moves up the stairs, not completely pulling away from me, or dropping her hands from my arms. Sweet. I move up the stairs with her, plastered to her back, like a live human turtle shell. I catch her a few times when she stumbles forward, pressing those glorious breasts into my arms again and again, the softness getting Kong all hot and sweaty.

  And then I remember where I am, and the front door is right in front of us, and the old house is pulling me into a vortex of shitty memories that threaten to pull me under. I knock on the door, snatching my hand back when it’s done.

  I keep Sera in my arms, hoping she doesn’t notice how my grip has gotten tighter, how I wish I wasn’t fucking here.

  Of course it’s Eddie opening the door. I don’t know why I thought for a nanosecond that Jules would’ve raced him to it. But Jules is dead, and Eddie looks at me with tired eyes, in a tired face, shoulders slumped. He’s getting too old for this.

  Matty’s at his feet, leaning back against his legs, eyes half-closed and barely letting his legs keep any of his weight. Waking Jules up was a bitch of a thing to do, too. He’s a lot like his mom in that respect.

  “Why didn’t you just let me come in and get him?” The words come out harsher than I intended them to. I pull away from Sera before I do something stupid, like start fucking crying.

  I pick Matty up, hefting his weight onto my shoulder, letting him lie against me and nuzzle into my neck. His breath is warm, and his heart beats right next to mine on my chest. I’ve wrapped both arms around him, like I’m trying to protect him from the house and the ghosts in it.

&n
bsp; I hear Sera asking Eddie about Matty’s sugar level.

  “His levels have come down to a ten, madam,” Eddie says in his crisp tones. I want to tell him to give up the charade, to get some sleep, but the words get stuck in my mouth. “His supper consisted of a hamburger and fries. Dessert was a small bowl of fruit. I checked his sugar an hour ago. I also administered the prescribed dose of insulin right after he ate.”

  I rub circles onto Matty’s back, trying to soothe him or me, not too sure. I want to Roadrunner out of here, I want to get in my car and drive for miles and miles, just running away from our diabetes, from our pasts. But Sera’s here and I have to wait for her, even if it sucks ass to be in the shadow of the house where some of my happiest memories—and worst memories—reside.

  I listen to Sera thank Eddie and introduce herself. Something eases inside of me when I watch her take his hand for a shake. Just like she did to me all that time ago.

  “Thanks, Eddie. She’s gone to bed, I guess?” Eddie nods. Of course Mom’s gone to bed. Nothing left for her to do, she’s knows how to use words to hurt people, to grind them to dust. Mom thinks she’s won, that she’s beaten Sera.

  “She’s also been speaking with Alysha, sir. I overheard the phone call while I prepared Matty’s supper,” Eddie says, words brisk and rushed, like he doesn’t want Sera to hear Aly’s name.

  Fuck, at the sound of her name, I feel the wind get knocked out of me, like somebody took a bat to the back of my head. I glare at my toes, hate the situation I’m in all over again. “All right, Eddie. Have a good night.”

  “Come see me once in a while, Hunter. This old house misses you.” I don’t look up. He does this almost every time I’m here. We used to be friends, Eddie and I, he was like a father to me, until I did what I did. Until I couldn’t look him in the eye and bear to see the disappointment there, how much of a failure I am. “I miss you. I’ve packed all her things, you needn’t see them, if you do not want. It’s been three years, Hunter.”

  “That’s enough, Eddie. I’ve got to go home. G’night.”

  I have to get out of here. I turn without looking to see if Sera’s following, going down the stairs two at a time, holding Matty close enough so he doesn’t go rocking all over the place in my arms.

  Sera’s quiet when she gets in the car, she’s quiet all the way back home, actually. When I look over from my seat once I’ve parked in the underground lot, I see why. She’s fallen asleep on me.

  And it could be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

  Her lashes are long and throw tiny shadows in the shitty lighting of the lot against her cheeks. Her lips are parted just a little, but she breathes in and out through her nose – her eyes move under her lids and I catch myself wondering what and who she’s dreaming about.

  Hoping against hope it’s me.

  “Sera... Wake up for me,” I say and startle when her eyes flash open.

  “I’m up, I’m up.” She yawns, covering her mouth, then rubbing her eyes like Matty does when he’s really tired.

  “Fuck, you’re cute.” I say, and watch her lids flutters open again. I think she’s thinking about settling into the passenger seat for the night, but I can’t let her do that. She’s too tired, and her neck is gonna seize in some sort of awkward angle and the next few days are gonna be a bitch to work it out. I don’t want her hurting because of me.

  “I’m still dreaming, aren’t I?” she says, yawning again, screwing her eyes shut. I frown at her. “You want me to get Matty or you?”

  “I’ll get him. Just make sure you can stand.” I lean across the space that separates us and leave a light kiss on her cheek; I feel her tremble underneath my mouth but I think it’s ’cause she’s so tired. I’m not the best of company and I probably exhausted her with my crazy ass mood-swings. I need to take better care of myself.

  I leave her to get out of the car on her own, and go to the back seat to get the kid. Once I’ve unbuckled him, I drape him over my shoulder again, but I already know he’s awake. Shit.

  “Sera?” Matty asks, and the alertness in his voice has me cringing. It’s going to be a looong night.

  “Yeah, little buddy?” Sera asks through a yawn, as she gets out of the car. She closes the door with her ass, and I glare at my car because that’s one lucky son-of-a-bitch piece of steel.

  “Can you read to me again? But I want to be in my bed this time. Is that okay, Daddy? Can Sera read to me?” Matty asks.

  “Only if she isn’t too tired,” I say, hoping that’s the right answer. She should just tell me to fuck off; tell me she’s too tired. She doesn’t have to read to Matty, she doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to. So I decide to give her an out. “And buddy, she looks sleepy.”

  “No way, she doesn’t! Look! Her eyes are open.” Damn kid-logic. Always right on the money.

  “Yeah, I’ll read to you. What do you want?” she asks, and I want to drop Matty and gorilla-beat my chest.

  “Peter Pan!” Matty says, pushing up from my shoulder, looking straight down at Sera as we make our way to the basement elevator lobby.

  “Again?”

  “We didn’t get so far last time, I fell asleep! I want to read about Peter and Wendy going to Neverland!” Matty says, the elevator now ringing with his voice.

  “All right, I’ll get the book and come right over, okay?” Sera looks at me to see if it is okay. Abso-fucking-lutely. “See you in a bit.”

  Sera goes to her door, and I go to mine. I put Matty down on his bed, pulling out his Spider-man pajamas, and helping him get into them. He jumps in mid-air, crosses his legs, and makes impact with the mattress. The kid’s excited and doesn’t mind showing it. Maybe I should read to him, too?

  I rub my face with both hands, trying to get my brain in on the prospect that Sera’s coming over, but I can’t muster up the energy to get nervous about it.

  But the hesitant knock does come, and once I let her in, I say, “You don’t have to do this, you know.”

  “I know. But I want to.” Who wants to read to a little kid after a long-ass day? Who? “Where’s Matty’s room?” she asks, and instead of telling her, I use it as an excuse to touch her again by grabbing her hand and bringing her to his room.

  I turn around and her eyes have popped wide and she’s taking in every little detail of his room. My grin is wide as I watch her eyes go left, right, up and down to catch the sheets, the pajamas, the paint on the wall, the carpet and the few toys scattered on the floor.

  The first thing she says? “You have Transformers sheets!”

  “Autobots, roll out!” Matty looks up at her like she’s magic.

  “All right, scoot over, kiddo. We’re going to Neverland.” I watch Matty scoot over to the far end of the bed, right up against the wall and get under the covers. Sera climbs in next to him, her sweats on, her hair up in a bun, no make-up on. My heart trips up its rhythm again, and I swear if this keeps happening, I’m going to need heart medication.

  “You have to close your eyes now, Matty, and imagine every word I’m telling you, all right? Picture what I’m telling you, and you don’t need movies,” she says, voice low and hypnotic. Matty does as she says, and I make my way out of the room, letting them go on their adventure together.

  I go to my room, hurriedly pick up the clothes off the floor, dirty underwear and socks, and sniff at some jeans that need washing. Christ, when did I become such a slob? And do I actually expect Sera to come in here? No, I don’t. But it’s always good to be prepared and all that shit.

  I pick out some boxers and forget about getting a shirt. Fuck, I want her to see me, see my tats, my piercings. I want her to look at me like I look at her. I get into the bathroom and get the shower water nice and scalding. After my bouts of sugar low-induced sweats, I freeze my ass off so bad, it feels like I’ll never get warm again. Hot water is a godsend.

  I try not to think of Sera while I’m in there. How she’s two rooms away from me. How she’s lying down on a bed,
with Matty, but still lying down on a bed, on her back, reading a book. And how badly I want her to be in my bed, reading a book, making those faces and noises she’d probably make while reading that book.

  How I’d ask her what was going on, and try to make the story seem a little more interesting when I took it away and start kissing her everywhere and anywhere.

  The hot water feels like her hands running all over my body, and Junior, well, he doesn’t stand a chance against my imagination. I think of Sera in that fucking sexy as hell tight skirt she had, how the material lovingly cupped her ass, how all the womanliness was being shown off for me and for every man who has two eyes. Fuck, fuck, fuck I’m in trouble.

  I pull in air, use them as calming breaths because I don’t want to scare her off, I don’t want her running. Sometimes, the male anatomy is a pain in the ass.

  Zombies, zombies, zombies! Dead things! DEAD THINGS AND MAGGOTS.

  Junior takes a step back from going full attention and I breathe a sigh of relief. Doesn’t mean that even if Sera gives me one look that I’m going to be locked and loaded to give her anything she’s ever wanted. I’m so in over my head. And it feels like a fucking good place to be.

  I get out of the shower, and close all the lights to the apartment. I play this sick trick on myself, trying to make my eyes focus in the dark, trying to keep them sharp, trying to make them work overtime so the sugar doesn’t fuck up my vision too bad. I have no scientific evidence to back this up, but it just feels like it’s something I have to do, something I need to do.

  Then I hear her.

  “Hunter?” she whisper-yells, and I make my way over to Matty’s room. “Hunt?”

  “Yeah?” I answer, stepping into the doorway. Oh yeah, she’s seen me. Then why is she slamming her eyes shut, and clamping down on her jaw?

  “I’m sorry, go back to sleep.”

  I pad over to where she’s lying down on the bed, crouching low over her.