Never Been Loved

by C.M. Kars

  “Sera, what?” I want to laugh at her surprised face when she finally looks up at me. “Are you stuck?”

  I feel her eyes on me, travelling all over me. Up, down, only to come back up and down again. She likes my piercings. Her little pink tongue comes out to wet her lips, and her eyebrows are pinched together like she’s thinking too hard, or something.

  “Yeah...yeah. I need help. He’s fallen asleep.”

  The kid’s lying half-on top of her, not a care in the world. He’s wrapped himself around one of her arms, trying to make sure she never lets go.

  Jules, where are you so you can take care of your kid? Why did you have to go and die on me?

  I grab one of Sera’s hands, and gently pull her until both her feet land on the ground. Her shirt has ridden up during this whole thing, and I see a strip of skin underneath her belly button that is making me think of dead things ’cause hiding my raging dick in boxers is going to need more than Houdini to make it disappear. Shit. I know I can’t help it, but she doesn’t need that from me right now, like I’m only some kind of horndog.

  Fuck yeah, if she lets me get into her pants, lets me touch her, and wants me back, I’m all for it. I’m just tired of being needed for that only reason, like it’s all I’m good for.

  Sera straightens, and looks up at me. In this lighting, I can’t tell her eyes are green, just dark enough that they look like I’m going to be swallowed whole by the colour.

  “I’m just gonna leave now,” she says, words rushed, but checks herself when she realizes I’ve gone and taken a hold of her wrist, just loosely enough to remind her I’m still here. Hell, I know I’m pushing my luck, but what’s another inch if it’s going to get me closer to her?

  “Why don’t you stay and watch The Goonies with me? It’s playing right now on TV.” I made sure to set a recording for it whenever it’s playing. Stay with me, get to know me better than that thing you keep saving.

  I catch her taking another peek at me; my skin itches and I’m pretty sure I’d shoot my load if she tried to pet me. Junior sure wants to show her how much he likes her. Yeah, Sera wants me. But I’m not going to rush anything, yet.

  “Only if you put some clothes on first,” she says, eyebrows high, and keeping her gazed locked to mine by sheer force of will. In some quiet place in my head, a thought drifts through and it’s absolutely true. This girl is going to chew me up and spit me back out. And I’m going to let her.

  “You don’t like looking at me?” I ask, feeling the warmth of her skin seeping through me, chasing the cold away.

  “It’s not nice to flaunt your genetic makeup in front of other people, Hunter.”

  “So that’s a yes,” I say. Genetic makeup? What? “My genetics have fucked me up, too, baby. I’m happy you like the outer package.” Please like the outer package, the rest of me is batting at zero.

  “Oh, yeah, start with the guilt-trip ’cause you have a faulty pancreas,” she says, glaring me down like she can hear what’s going on in my head. My heart’s a speedster, trying to escape my ribs. When I’m frozen in place for too long, she hisses, “Go and wear something!”

  “What will you do if I don’t?” My stupid mouth. My stupid, stupid mouth. Like I’m seriously going to challenge her right now, going to force my company on her, when she’s the one with all the power here. We’re playing a game of chess; I’m the pawn and she’s the all-powerful queen. I’m chump change, and she’s everything.

  “I can leave, you know. I do have a TV at my place.”

  And there she is, putting me back in my place. “Shit. Gimme a sec.”

  I rush back into my room, feeling her stare on me. Once inside, I scramble for a shirt. Matty’s thrown up on it a hundred times through all the time I’ve had him; I’ve used this shirt to work out in; I’ve used it to wipe blood off my fingers after I’m done checking my sugar. It’s worn out, just like me.

  “Thanks for reading to Matty,” I say, after situating myself in the far corner of the couch. Sera’s sitting on the other side, holding her knees loosely to her chest. The glow of the TV screen lends a sort of mystery to her face, a certain anonymity. I find myself leaning forward, feet going to her legs, seeking a bit of contact in the darkness of my apartment.

  “What the hell?!” She actually swats at my toes, and I can’t help grinning.

  “Why are you so far away?”

  “Because. I want to be. I enjoy my personal space. Shut up, I’m missing the funniest part.” And just like that I’ve been dismissed, and the movie becomes her entire world. I’ve seen it happen before, it just doesn’t mean I’m going to take it.

  I get up on my knees and crawl over to her side of the couch, watching her pulse jump in her throat, even with the poor lighting.

  “What are you doing?”

  There’s something there, in the way she’s said those words. More than trepidation, more than nervousness. Fuck, I’m nervous, too, but I know what I’m doing – at least I think I do. With Sera, the world has gone and turned upside down and gravity doesn’t reign supreme anymore.

  “I want you closer,” I tell her, putting us hip-to-hip, and winding an arm around her shoulder. I look down at her and try to gauge her reaction. Oh yeah, she’s scared, and I’m about to pull my arm back when she lets out a heavy breath of air, and maybe without meaning to, she snuggles deeper into my side, lending me her body heat.

  And I know once and for all, I’m fucking fucked.

  When she drops her chin on her knees and keeps looking at the TV without even telling me to fuck off, or anything, I turn to the movie, too, not paying attention at all. When the kids get free of the Fratellis and everything’s about to cave in and Brand, that smooth asshole, kisses Andy, do I look back down at her, wondering if this is all it’s going to take.

  Watching movies with Sera is always an experience, one I’m volunteering over and over again in the near future. But now she’s asleep, her eyes moving behind her lids again, a little noise escaping her mouth that sounds like a growl.

  “Sera...? Wake up for me, baby.” Her eyes flash open with the barest nudge. “Hi,” I whisper in the dark of my apartment, looking down at her. Something claws open my chest, tearing at whatever shit I have going on inside me and presenting whatever I have left to Sera.

  “Hi,” she whispers, and drops her knees from her chest. “The movie’s done?”

  “Almost.” Liar. I can’t help myself. I just want her to stay longer with me, even if I have to put in a DVD. My hand comes up without me really giving the order, and I gently move some hair away from her face, fingertips swiping the softness of her cheek.

  “Can I have a minute? Just give me a minute,” she says, placing her forehead on her arms, effectively hiding away from me.

  I have no clue what to do now. I don’t want to move away, I really like where I am, pressed up against her. I decide on trying to massage the tension out of the back of her neck, only for her to tell me to stop.

  Fucking shit, I’m a man. She can tell me if she doesn’t want me. She can open her mouth and tell me to fuck off, and that she never wants to see me again. Why is she letting me hope?

  “Aren’t you enjoying it? Fuck, what is it going to take with you?” Crash and burn, MacLaine. Crash and burn.

  “I’m not a piece of ass you use your A-game to fuck. I don’t do that – casual sex. Scratch your fucking itch elsewhere. No one’s stopping you,” she growls, pinning me with a stare.

  Goddamn it, I just want her to want me.

  “Prove it. I want you, Sera. But I’m not going to fuck you with Matty in the next room. I’m not going to fuck you, period.”

  I place both of my hands on her cheeks, holding her face close. Sera’s eyes have gotten bigger, the look in them telling me she can’t believe this is happening. Christ, who did this to her? I’ll kill him.

  “I want you, Sera, and I’m going to prove it to you. Just like you need to prove it to me. Tell me you don’t want me and you can walk out of
here without taking a chance on us.”

  She pulls in air like she’s going to go deep-sea diving without the tank. “I don’t want you.”

  “Say it again,” I say. I stare at her mouth, the way she licks her lips slow and easy. She knows what she’s doing to me, and she keeps her head in the cradle of my hands. “Say it again, Sera.”

  “I... I don’t want you like that. I want you as a friend.” Friend-zoned is better than no-zoned. Maybe you should take what you get, MacLaine.

  All or nothing.

  “Baby, I’m attracted to you. Friendship isn’t going to work. Now, say it again.” I sweep my thumbs along her cheekbones, riveted by the look in her eyes. Her eyes flutter closed for just a second, and her lips part. Sera’s leaned forward in my arms, bringing us even closer.

  My blood pounds in my veins, and my head’s swimming with the excellent probability I have of kissing that delectable mouth. Of tasting her, of letting her taste me. Of wanting her in my bed, of making her say my name in breathy moans.

  She shakes her head as if trying to wake from a dream and tries to move away from me. I’m not the one stopping her. She’s latched onto my wrists, hypnotically making circles on my skin like she likes exactly where she is.

  “Sera, look down at your hands.” I let her get a good look at what she’s doing to me. I’m hard as diamond, but it’s a backburner kind of pain, the twitching and throbbing of my dick. I need to prove a point here, and jumping the gun isn’t going to get me any points. “Say it again for me. Tell me you don’t want me.”

  “I... I don’t want you.” Almost there, but almost never got anyone a kiss.

  “Say it again.”

  “I...don’t...want. You.” Sera hesitates after every word, leaning closer and closer, bringing our mouths closer together. Fuck, I’m dizzy with wanting my mouth on her, and hers on mine.

  “One more time, say it again, and I won’t put my mouth on you. I won’t taste that mouth of yours and all the nerdy things that come out of it. I won’t tangle my tongue with yours, stroke it, lick it and suck it like I want to. Say it again, Sera. Do it for me, baby.”

  She stares at my face a long time, her eyes going from my lips, to my eyes, just to drop to my mouth again. She licks her lips again, wetting her mouth for me. I’m going to explode. Just when I think she hasn’t heard a word I’ve been saying, she says, “I-I... I don’t want you?”

  Her eyes get big when she hears how wrong she is, but they don’t pull away from my mouth. Heat explodes along my skin, and in some detached portion of my brain, I wonder how I’m not burning her.

  I stop thinking, my mind’s been emptied, and for one second, it feels like freedom. There are no worries here, no wondering what’s going on with my body. There’s just her mouth and mine and how much I want this.

  “Good answer, baby. Now, bring that sweet mouth closer, and let me kiss you.”

  Chapter 15

  I go for it.

  Her beautiful face is cradled between my hands, and she doesn’t seem to mind the scars on my fingers. Her eyes are wide and unsure, and then, thank God, she dips her gaze down to my mouth and triumph torchlights my chest and I want to howl.

  Sera’s hands are gripped tight around my wrists, her thumbs doing those circles, her fucking thumbs making my dick pound hard enough, demanding attention.

  I have to be careful here.

  I watch her pull me in, as I slowly make the descent to her mouth. She smells like frosting and chocolate, and her eyes are the most gorgeous colour I’ve ever seen, her eyelashes are catching my attention the way they swoop down to hide them from my view the second our lips are about to come together.

  “Daddy!” Matty’s yell echoes down the hall. “Dad?!” No! This isn’t over yet.

  But it is. She jerks her head out of my hands, cheeks flushed, eyes dark with wanting me, but her hands stay wrapped around my wrists as I drop my hands to thigh level. Sera’s shutting down, blocking me out – again, just when I was so close.

  “G-Go...” she murmurs and the movement of her mouth has me flipping off any kind of logic I have left and about to haul to me and kiss her hard and deep so she’ll know I’m more than what she’s seen.

  But I promised Matty. I promised him I’d be better, and I’m not going to turn out like my old man did, leaving us all behind. Goddamn it, she’s never going to be your first priority. What can you give her that she can’t find a better version of with someone else? Face it, man, you’re no one’s wet dream.

  I get up from the couch, and walk towards Matty’s room. I look back for a sec before I see the decision’s already been made for me. Sera’s going to bolt as soon as I enter the kid’s room, and try to calm him down. It’s inevitable at this point.

  You’re just going to have to fight harder the next time, and make sure you win her over. Can you do that?

  Matty’s sitting up on his bed when I turn the light on and staring down at the now-gone shadows like he’s taken personal offense. He’s tiny in his single bed, and the covers are wrapped around him like a cloak, the top part covering his head – all you can see is his little-kid face and those blue eyes that are a MacLaine trait through and through.

  “Daddy… I had a nightmare. A bad one.” Like nightmares are good.

  I hear the front door close through the hall, and have to stifle the urge to run out like a madman and drag her back inside. Shit. I knew this was going to happen. Not many chicks can deal with the fact that I’m a full-time dad and both of us are not so hot in the health department. It’s a lot to ask of someone, a lot to burden them with.

  And I thought Sera looked stronger than most.

  Guess I was wrong. Or maybe something else has her spooked – mainly me doing the alpha male crap and trying to get her to do what I want.

  This shit’s all so complicated. I have to deal with this first.

  “Yeah? Want to tell me about it?”

  I listen after crawling in next to him, putting the blankets over both of us, feeling his heart beat way too fast in his chest when he plasters himself to me. I should get up to turn off the light, and I’m only half-listening to Matty recount his nightmare when he knees me in the nuts and the pain keeps me mute.

  My guts hollow out, and the pain stabs its way from groin to thighs in twisting arcs until I’m pretty sure

  I’m going to hurl all over Matty’s bed.

  “Matty…” I growl, cupping myself like that’s supposed to fucking help. “You can’t kick me there” Don’t swear, don’t swear. You’ll have to move and that’s nowhere near a possibility right now. FUCK! FUCK,

  FUCK, FUCK!!!! I struggle to pull in a deep breath and tears have tracked their way down my cheeks.

  Heh. If Sera could see you now.

  “What? What did I do? Did I hurt your penis?”

  Oh God, please no. Not now. I don’t want to have this conversation again. Next he’s going to ask about Sera’s breasts or her pussy and … just no.

  “Yeah…” I gasp out, curling into the fetal position. “Watch your knees, okay?”

  “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to!” Matty’s eyes are pleading with me, but I just can’t utter any more words right now. When I think I can straighten out without causing my poor balls to rub against even the fabric of my boxers without me wanting to scream in pain, I let out a full breath in what feels like years.

  “Did Sera leave?” Matty asks, voice barely above a whisper. I should go lock up but my balls are still smarting like they’ve been doused in acid and the nerves are slowly waking up again.

  I grunt. “Yeah, she did.”

  “How come?”

  Because I’m an idiot, that’s why.

  I move my shoulders, staring up at his ceiling. That’d be a really great spot to draw something awesome. It could be a surprise for the little man, looking up at night and watching whatever I put up there. I wonder if there’s such a thing as glow-in-the-dark paint. Probably.

  “She’s sleepy after a long
day. It was time for her to go home.”

  “How come she couldn’t sleep here?”

  “Uh, well, there wouldn’t be a place for her to sleep, kid.” And she wouldn’t be doing much sleeping in your bed, eh, MacLaine?

  No, no she wouldn’t, not if I had it my way.

  “She coulda slept with me! And I wanted her to read to me some more. I like it when Sera reads to me.”

  Matty thwacks me in the face when he spread-eagles his arms and looks like he’s pretending to fly. He shoves his arms down to bed-level and stares up at me, smiling, a smile that doesn’t belong to Jules, nah, that’s all mine. “I’m sorry, Daddy! I’m going to be very still for the rest of the night, I promise. Can you sleep with me, please?”

  I don’t want to sleep with him here. The bed’s too small, and I know every time I want to turn there’s a risk of tossing Matty to the ground so I can make myself fit. “Let’s go to my bed. Come and close your light and I’ll be there in five seconds, all right?”

  Matty nods hard enough to snap his neck, and jumps up off his bed only to tumble onto the floor. He doesn’t make a sound or clutch at any part of his body so I guess he’s okay. Which is more than you can say for me.

  Don’t think of Sera, don’t think of Sera. Did you see her, though? She had you ready to shoot your load by nothing more than thumbs on your wrists! You’re a disgrace, surrender your balls.

  After leaving a few voicemails, begging Sera to give me another chance, I come out of the bathroom and try to calm down.

  I will my dick to surrender, think of maggoty corpses to keep control. I throw myself on my bed and get Matty to laugh like I’m the funniest clown he ever saw.

  The kid burrows himself under the covers, his pyjamas all twisted around his legs and arms, and his hair is full of static but he smiles at me like I’m the coolest person he’s ever known and I find myself rubbing his back until we both fall asleep.

  Matty wants a lot of hugs and reassurances when I drop him off at daycare in the morning. His little hands are like claws in my ratty t-shirt, and his legs are wrapped around my waist like he never plans on letting go.