After the Hurt

by Shana Gray

  He glanced away to check out the rest of the restaurant. Her leg moved against his and he stiffened. Her fingers rested lightly under his chin and she slowly turned his head to her. They were side by side, her face just inches from his. He got lost in her gaze trying to read the expression in the smoky depths. She fit perfectly next to him, like she always had. Her body heat seared him to a full-fired burn. She filled an emptiness in him that nothing and no one had been able to fill.

  Her smooth shoulders drew his hand like a magnet. A tremor ran up his arm when he touched her flesh. His fingers had a mind of their own and he massaged up her neck to cradle the back of her head, her hair heavy silk on his arm. Pepper tipped her head, capturing his fingers in the warm curve between them. He couldn’t look away from her. As if he was seeing her for the first time. She looked fabulous. Her hair was pinned up in lazy curls with waves cascading down her neck. Her top was very 1960’s retro and drooped off one shoulder. All she needed was a flower tucked behind her ear to complete the effect. His wild, sultry flower child. She rested her head on his shoulder now. The sweet scent of coconut and cinnamon spice rose from her hair. He inhaled and held it, savoring the essence before pressing a kiss to the silky strands.

  A natural beauty, at least to him. It didn’t matter what she wore, he saw her inner light. A light that grew brighter for him each day. From when he knocked on her door this afternoon, interrupting her bath time, to leaving her behind in the locked apartment and then her bursting into his office before their kiss, and now sitting here, it seemed like an eternity of sweet torture.

  “Tank.” Her voice was so soft, low, and intimately inviting. Reaching right inside him and taking hold of his heart. She turned to look at him. “Is there something you want to talk to me about?”

  Tank sipped from the glass to give himself a moment, then put it down. He curled his fingers around her shoulder and gave her a gentle squeeze. She’d always been in tune with his moods and could usually tell when he was preoccupied with something. That he was so transparent bothered him.

  “Still have the gypsy insight?”

  Pepper shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe. I guess. Oh, I don’t know…”

  What the hell, just tell her and get it over with. “Only if you tell me what you were up to while you were away.”

  Her brows arched. “Making deals, are we?”

  “I guess we are.” He smiled, liking their exchange of banter.

  “Okay. You first. Who are you in a relationship with? Is it that chick Olivia?”

  Tank wasn’t expecting that question. And Olivia? What the fuck?

  “Ah, no. Why do you ask about her?”

  “Well, she seemed to be around there for a while and I was just wondering where it all stood.”

  He shook his head. “She was the biggest few-dates mistake I ever made.” Sighing, Tank leaned back and kept his hand tucked up around her neck. “She’s nuts.”

  Pepper didn’t look surprised.

  “So, what was her problem?”

  Tank heard the tang of bitterness in her voice. In that instant he knew she was jealous. The crazy swell of his heart took him off guard.

  “I have no idea what went on in her head. But I wanted no part of it.”

  Pepper nodded. “I got an odd feeling about her.”

  “Yeah.” Tank glanced down into her eyes, so dark and expressive with little flickers of light reflecting in them. “So, now you.”

  “Me?” She blinked and smiled at him.

  “Yes, you. Time to spill it and tell me about your adventures.” He gave her shoulders a little shake.

  She took a breath and leaned forward. Tipping her glass, she downed the last of the martini and put the glass down with a bang. She slid her hand across the table and wove her fingers with his.

  “Well.” She made eye contact with him. “It was life changing. For sure. I needed it more than I realized. I was so moved by a couple of things that I donated money.”

  “Do you regret leaving me?” But he didn’t miss her offhand remark about donating money.

  She stiffened and removed her hand from his. He immediately regretted being so blunt. He wanted to hear what she had to say, not alienate her.

  “I thought about you a lot.” She glanced at him from under her lashes and the guarded look was a little surprising considering how passionate she’d been earlier. “But remember, Tank. I was in a bad place.”

  He nodded. Those last few weeks before she left had been gut-wrenching. It made him realize her absence hadn’t been as easy on her as he’d thought.

  “We could have discussed it.”

  She shook her head. “We tried, remember? I wasn’t receptive. I know that now and I also know how hard you tried.” She cupped his cheek and the honesty he saw in her eyes pulled at his heart. “Plus, Tank, it was the best thing I could have ever done. For me and, if you can believe it, for you too.” She dropped her hand and fiddled with her empty glass. Then she looked at him pointedly. “I needed to go. I felt”—she paused and he leaned in so he could hear the words she spoke so faintly—“and still feel, responsible for my mom’s death.”

  “But, you can’t—”

  She placed her fingers on his mouth and it was all he could do not to take them between his lips and suck them.

  “Shh, let me…I had to figure things out. Find out what’s important in life on my own. If I couldn’t do that then, how could I ever be a complete person with anyone else? We’d been together since we were young and until I was away, I didn’t realize how much I needed to ground myself.” She paused and her eyes, bright with emotion, held him captive. He couldn’t look away and hung on every word she was saying. “Tank, it didn’t mean I’d stopped loving you.”

  Did he just hear her right? The words, made even more sweet coming from her delectable mouth. He remained silent because it drove home that he hadn’t ever stopped loving her either. Even though he’d tried. Lord, how he’d tried! He’d never really considered it from her perspective before. Just his. How her leaving had made him feel. Not how badly she must’ve been feeling to think leaving was the only way she could save herself.

  Sure, she needed the time and space, but at his expense. Yeah, yeah, he got it, he understood she needed space. Time to heal. But she hadn’t thought of him. Everything he’d done to get through it with his sanity still intact. Not to mention handling Octagon all on his own.

  “I needed you too.”

  Pepper looked down at the table for a second before glancing at him from under her brows. “Did you?” she asked softly.

  He couldn’t believe she’d ask such a thing.

  She continued in a low voice. “We both found our way without each other and we needed to do that if we had any chance of survival. A future.” She sat back and sighed. “It allowed us both to grow and God knows I needed that! Maybe even more than you.”

  He sat back, crossing his arms over his chest. “Sure. Now you’re broke and you’ve come running back.” He cringed after the words fell out of his mouth. But when he looked at her he was even more surprised she wasn’t angry he’d said it.

  “No, Tank, I told you I’m not broke. Yes, maybe I don’t have as much as I did before, but that’s not the reason I came back.”

  “Tell me why.” He expected the conversation might get a little rocky, and even if it pissed him off or made him angry all over again, he was glad they were finally talking. He reminded himself he still had to say goodbye to her regardless.

  She sighed. “Oh, man. You had to be there to fully understand it.”

  “Try me.”

  —

  Pepper hesitated. “It was life changing.” Tears welled in her eyes and dripped down her cheeks and she let them. There was no point in trying to hide them. “I went to Bali. You know Mom and I wanted to go there together. It was a logical choice to me. I felt like she was with me.”

  “Ah, Bali. Yes. It never crossed my mind that’s where you’d go.” Tank’s finger swept t
he tears from her cheeks and he folded her in his arms. He didn’t say anything and she was glad. He let her talk, at her own pace, and she was thankful for it.

  She nodded. “I couldn’t just lounge around. I had to do something, but I didn’t know what until I discovered a hospice. I volunteered there for quite a while. It’s amazing how easy it was to find places in need, where you could give yourself to those more desperate than yourself.”

  “That’s where you donated your money?” The depth and emotion she heard in his voice warmed her heart.

  “Yep, a lot of it.” She looked up and was sucked into the vortex of compassion swirling in his azure eyes. “Stupid, huh?”

  “What’s stupid? Helping people to live out the remainder of their days with dignity surrounded by their loved ones?” He squeezed her. “Not in the least.”

  “Oh, Tank. I’m telling you, it made me see things so differently. I set up a trust fund in Mom’s name.”

  “She would love that.” Tank tightened his arms around her and it quelled the nerves jumbling around inside her. “I have to ask you, then. Why did you come back like you were ready for a fight?”

  Why, indeed?

  “I don’t know, it was stupid, but if you think back, the fight went out of me pretty much right away. You were just too busy to see, I guess. I didn’t know what to expect from you either. And you were very cold when I did come back. How you reacted was what I expected, though.” She paused and smiled. “The thing is, I heard you that night when you were on the phone. Before the gala.”

  He furrowed his brows and compressed his lips then asked, “What did you hear?”

  “You said ‘I love you’ to the other person. I could only assume you had a girlfriend and you wanted to keep it quiet. Do you?”

  “No.”

  Relief washed through her. “Then, who?”

  “I’ve only said that to three women: my mom, Meg…and you.”

  Pepper stared at him, trying not to whoop with joy at this wonderful piece of news. Instead she kept herself as calm as possible. She nodded and smiled. “And here we are. Enjoying each other, talking, sharing. It’s nice,” she whispered and rubbed her cheek on his shoulder.

  Tank placed his finger under her chin. She shivered at his gentle touch as he tipped her face to him. The feather-light caress radiated a warmth that rushed down her neck and over her breasts to center low in her belly. It filled the empty spaces in her heart and soul. Oh God, how she loved being back in his arms.

  “Yes, it is,” he answered. “Why didn’t you ever call?”

  She met his gaze completely under his spell. “Yes, why?” Pepper drew in a shaky breath. “Mainly because I was running away, afraid to reach out. The phone charger wouldn’t work and by the time I had the nerve and was able to charge the phone, too much time had passed. I was too afraid by then.”

  “Afraid of what?”

  “You.”

  “Me, why?”

  “I know it was stupid. But I was afraid you’d be so mad and I couldn’t face that.”

  “I was mad, hurt—”

  “I know!” Pepper placed her hand on his face and gazed at him, falling more in love with him, if that were possible. Fully, deeply, madly. Her gaze roved over his face, taking in the fine lines fanning from the corners of his eyes. Liking how they crinkled a little deeper when he smiled. His lips, perfect, full and so ready to kiss, were temptingly close. She couldn’t resist leaning toward him. Pepper reached up and ran her palm over his head, noticing the stubble that was beginning to grow. Their gazes locked and it was like time stood still.

  “You’re not still shaving?”

  He shook his head.

  “Why?”

  “Pain in the ass.”

  She giggled. “You have great hair, you know. Let it grow back. Even if you are devilishly sexy bald.”

  The air between them charged with magnetic energy, drawing her closer. The fine hairs on her arms rose with anticipation. Tank leaned down and Pepper couldn’t move. Didn’t want to move. Everything inside her liquefied to throbbing, aching need. Waiting for his lips to touch hers seemed an eternity. All it would take was a fractional move from either of them to close the distance and yet they didn’t. Pepper trembled, her whole body quaking, so attuned to him, the sheer magnitude of his presence made her powerless. She was finally where she’d wanted to be for so long.

  A moan whispered from her when his eyelids drooped and he licked his lips. Slowly. Pepper closed her eyes, expectation sheared her like a sharp-edged sword and she stayed put. Waiting for him.

  Then they touched. A tremulous union, gently, slowly, deliciously increasing in pressure. Not the raw, raging power of earlier in the office, but deeper. Stronger. Pepper edged her tongue out to touch him and he answered; both opened to receive the other. Pepper could have melted into a puddle of passion right there on the seat. She was glad his arms, securely around her, were tight. She never wanted him to let her go. Pepper relaxed into him. He assumed control. It was the move she’d been waiting for, knowing he had to be the one to initiate it. She submitted to him. The longing for him ended and it catapulted her into a world of mind-numbing awareness.

  No longer needing further invitation, Tank took charge. He pressed her back until she was close to an incline on the seat. Pepper’s eyelids fluttered and she was thankful the dim lighting and half-closed drapery gave them some privacy. She arched her back when he slipped his hand inside her blouse and cradled her breast. It had been so, so long since he’d touched her in such an intimate way. Pepper tried to bite back a moan. Not wanting to make a move or sound that could interrupt this moment. It had to be a dream. Didn’t it? If it was, she never wanted to wake up. Let her die here in exquisite pleasure.

  All the nerves in her body hummed to life. Everything around her zoned into lucidity. Her nose quivered with the scent of the restaurant. Liquor, leather, food, perfumes, sex…and Tank, each utterly identifiable. Especially the heady blend of Tank…and sex. They went together flawlessly. She craved both with desperation.

  His lips slanted on hers, deepening the kiss. Their tongues danced and played, as if remembering each other from long ago trysts. Pepper opened her eyes. He was watching her. Erotic heat smoldered in the indigo depths. Flickers of gold from the candles on the table sparked with his desire.

  I can’t get enough of him.

  Pepper pulled him closer, if that were possible. His hand, caught between them, teased her sensitive nipple and it laid a line of fire to the sweet aching heat between her thighs. She jolted in his arms, her fingers grasping his shoulder and her cry of delight swallowed by the seal of his mouth.

  His shoulders, muscular under her fingers, gave way to work-hardened biceps and she let her palm glide down lower. Over his ridged flank to slip between them. She longed to grasp him and feel how hard he was. It had been oh so long since she’d held him. Too long, and she grieved the slip in time. Tank shifted his hips to give her access. Pepper shivered when his hard length greeted her greedy fingers.

  “Ahh, Tank,” she murmured against his lips.

  He raised his head, inhaling a powerful breath that filled his chest to an almost impossible span. The second they parted the acute sense of loss stilled her heart. She reached for him, desperate to feel him again. He shushed her, whispering kisses over her mouth and next to her ear.

  “I’m captivated by you.” His deep voice, all velvety and intimate, held a yearning that she’d been wanting to hear all these weeks. He pressed kisses along her jawbone. Pepper was powerless, her muscles slack.

  He lifted his head and she held her breath at the passion and love reflected in his gaze, the softness around his eyes and mouth, the way his eyelids rested half closed and the gentle curve of his lips. That very special look on his face was just for her. She was so completely overcome, tears filled her eyes.

  Pepper raised her hand and placed it on his cheek. She leaned forward and pressed her lips to his again. They lost themselves in each
other for a few more moments. Pepper inhaled his wonderful man scent. The ache between her thighs was almost unbearable and she squeezed them together, heightening her need for him.

  She whispered in his ear. “Know what I want to do?”

  “Tell me.” His voice was low and husky with his desire.

  “I want to feel you, hard and stiff in my hands.” His groan spurred her on. “I’ve missed you so much.”

  His hands slipped around her sides. She shivered as his fingers trailed a path up her spine. His touch was so achingly familiar yet brand-new after their time apart. Pepper’s nipples hardened. If they hadn’t been in this restaurant, she would have whipped off her top and pulled him down to suckle. The thought drove her mad and she didn’t think she could wait until they got back to the loft. Her body hummed with throbbing desire for him. She needed him now, wanted to feel his hard length slide into her, filling her.

  “I’m back and never leaving without you, ever.”

  “Don’t worry, I won’t let you.”

  “Touch me, Tank, touch me.”

  “I am.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  She looked at him and it didn’t matter if it appeared as if she was begging. She wanted him more than she’d ever wanted anything before. He glanced around. So did she. They hadn’t even noticed the band was onstage. The lights had been dimmed further and the gauzy drapes had been released so they were cocooned in their little sanctuary. Shrouded from prying eyes behind an iridescent, sparkling black veil.

  “I’m not going to fuck you here, Pepper. I’ll do that sweet and slow later. With no interruptions.” She shivered at the promise he growled. “And it won’t be fucking, either. It’ll be making love.”

  “Keep talking to me like that, baby. You know how much I love your sex talk.” She trembled and he held her loosely. Keeping one arm around her back, he dropped the other to the front of her jeans.