by Hayley Oakes
“Bear,” she laughed, he rounded the bar and ran at her, taking her in a hug and lifting her off the ground. The dude was smaller than me but heavily tatted on his arms, he wore a trilby hat, his black jeans were skin tight and ripped. I just kept my eyes trained on their intense hug and my jaw ticked a little with irritation. When he pulled back he held her at arm’s length.
“Shit,” he said, his eyes raking over her and a massive smile beaming for her, “where the hell have you been?”
She shrugged, “pregnant.” She laughed.
“No shit?” he laughed back, his eyes landed on me and then back to her, he stepped back as if thinking that he may be encroaching on my territory and I stepped forward placing an arm around Penny without thinking, marking the territory that I didn’t have. She didn’t squirm or shrug me off so I kept a loose hold.
“Matt,” I stuck my hand out and the guy took it for a shake.
“Bear,” he nodded, “thanks for bringing Penny back.” He added excitably, “get a drink and I’ll announce you soon.”
“What is this place?” I whispered into Penny’s ear as Bear walked back behind the bar.
“Open mike night,” she grinned up at me, her eyes dancing with joy.
“Wow,” I laughed.
We got a drink, then sat and watched a girl on the stage murder Simply the Best by Tina Turner. Penny turned to me with a face lit up with excitement. “I used to come here all the time,” she said.
“That guy seemed to miss you,” I raised an eyebrow and she laughed.
“Yeah, I was a regular,” she sighed, “but I suppose things changed.”
“Yeah,” I inched forward in my chair, scooting a little closer, “sometimes I feel like I know all there is to know about you Penny, then you throw me a curve ball.” My voice was low and gravelled and her eyes widened at the sound as she bit her bottom lip. She looked just breathtaking, “tell me something else,” I urged.
She pursed her lips and rolled her eyes back, thinking, “erm ... well you know the foster family I lived with from twelve, my most permanent home?” I nodded urging her on. “Well the couple are two gay guys, Gary and Leon, they are now married and live in Spain.”
“What?” I asked, “wow.”
She shrugged, “they were amazing, I couldn’t have asked for better parents and I was so lucky I got them when I did or I’d probably be in prison now,” she said it so matter-of-factly but it made my heart clench. Penny had needed someone, so many times, and she’d had to do so much alone, battle through. Then I made her do it again. I was a piece of shit.
“I’m sorry about everything,” I said, leaning further in and patting her leg lightly.
“Nothing to be sorry for,” she swallowed hard, her eyes fixed on mine. She placed her hand on mine as it sat on her leg, “you lost someone amazing and your life fell apart, I get it. Jemma was ... wonderful.” She breathed out the last part and I nodded, lowering my head. Jemma.
“How did ...” the question was stirring, it had been there a while and it was something I’d never asked Jemma myself, I suppose back then I didn’t want to know. “How did you and Jemma meet? I mean decide ...”
“Oh,” she smiled brightly but I wasn’t sure she was comfortable with the topic. “she didn’t say?”
“No,” I shook my head.
“She was my social worker,” she added, grabbing her glass of wine quickly and having a sip.
“What?” my heart started pounding and I felt anger rise inside me, “what?” I repeated.
“Um, when I was in care, she was my social worker.”
“Are you fuckin’ kidding me?” I grimaced with anger.
Her face turned from happy to concerned and she backed away from me a little, “no,” she added quietly.
“Jesus Christ, is that even legal? That is one huge conflict of interest!” I growled.
“Well ... um she wasn’t obviously my social worker at the time, we connected on Facebook and she started coming to my yoga classes and we became friendly and ... I offered.” My jaw ticked with annoyance but it was misplaced in front of Penny. I was furious with Jemma, so she basically found a girl who was lost, vulnerable and had nothing and offered more money than that girl had ever seen for a ridiculous favour. My jaw twitched with anger and I tried to calm down.
“Matt,” she placed her hand on my arm and I recovered myself and met her eye, she looked upset and I gave her a tight smile. “I wanted to help her, she was always so good to me.”
“That was her job.” I swallowed hard and touched her face lightly and then moved it away.
“We were friends,” she looked at me with innocence. I have no doubt that Penny thought that but I had to seriously question Jemma’s mental state back then if she thought this was okay. Yoga classes? She had a gym membership for fucks sake and would have had to drive forty minutes to get to those classes, the whole thing reeked and made me feel sick.
“You are the sweetest person I’ve ever met,” I said, placing my hand on her leg again. I couldn’t let this ruin her birthday night out and if I spent any longer thinking about it I’d go crazy.
“Well you are in for a treat tonight!” I turned to see Bear on stage bellowing through the microphone. “We have an old favourite who’s been missing for toooooooo long, please put your hands together for P Strauss.” He shouted the last part of his speech but Penny’s eyes were trained on me and she looked devastated.
I broke into a grin to relax the mood and stood to clap her, she smiled too and smoothed her dress as she walked through applause to the stage. My heart felt heavy at her admission and I felt rage for how much Jemma had fucked up. I couldn’t regret Ivy, she was perfect but the way it happened had my stomach in knots.
Penny stepped up to the stage, she nodded to the band and it seemed Bear had already known what she would sing as there were no questions asked. She laughed at something he said and I watched with rapt attention as everyone’s eyes were on her, she looked like a mega star up there under the bright lights of the stage. The music began and it was a song I vaguely recognised, something old, something from my youth, then her voice started and every nerve ending in my body stood to attention.
‘Standin' at the door of the Pink Flamingo cryin' in the rain,’ her voice was phenomenal, it was deep, husky and soulful and just ... perfect.
‘It was a kind of so so love...’ It was ‘Say hello wave goodbye’ by David Gray, and she made it sound like the song had been written for her. Her eyes were closed, her lips were pursed and she held that microphone like it belonged in her hand.
‘I never knew you, you never knew me, say hello goodbye,’ I was struck dumb by her performance. Penny had been holding out on me, there was so much that I didn’t know and every time I found out something more it equally shocked and cut me deeper and deeper. She was so talented and raw and I was hit with a jolt at how different she had become to me than the idea I had of a money-grabbing waster, those few months ago.
‘Under the deep red lights, I can see the makeup sliding down,’ I could have sat and listened to her sing forever and I was captivated as she hit note after note in her own unique style. She was beyond good, she was gifted.
When she finished the audience erupted and Bear rejoined her on the stage, holding her hand high and grinning from ear to ear. “We need more of this voice don’t we guys?” he shouted over the mike. The people went crazy, clapping and shouting yeah. Penny bowed shyly and then stepped down to walk towards me with a huge smile, the awkwardness of before was forgotten as I took her in my arms and hugged her.
“Wow, that was just brilliant,” I said with awe, pulling back and looking down at her face lit up with adrenaline. “You are amazing!”
She shook her head with an embarrassed smile, “I’m okay.”
I placed my hands on her shoulders and gave her a deep glare, “amazing!” I said again and she pulled her bottom lip into her mouth.
“Thanks,” she nodded. “I love to sing.”
>
“And I love to watch you,” my heart swelled with pride when it had no right to, instead I should be awash with shame of how my wife had cajoled this beautiful woman into having our baby. However I felt immensely proud of who she was and who I was with and I wondered if somehow who we were to each other was becoming very blurred in my mind.
Chapter 23 – Jemma
SOME CASES TOUCHED YOU more than others.
Some kids were so desperate for affection, love and stability that the way they displayed themselves to the world meant they pushed every chance away. It was a defence mechanism because nothing would stick, so it was best not to even get their hopes up. Penelope was one of these children.
Jemma had been in her job twelve months and seen more horror than she thought imaginable in such a short space of time when she met Penelope. Years later she became desensitised to it but in the early days she was desperate to help.
Penelope was the most angelic looking young girl she had ever met, the girl could easily have been one of those children you see modelling in catalogues. She was stunning and to see her in clothes too small with stains all over them, sitting in a group home again after another failed fostering attempt was emotional. Jemma started her job hoping to help, hoping to make changes and to be someone these kids could trust. As the years passed she realised she would never change their lives but she could try to make things easier for them to live.
These kids lives had been blown apart for whatever reason so the cure was impossible but she could make them as comfortable as she could.
She was passed Penelope by an older woman who was due to retire and, Jemma realised later, was passing on all her problematic cases to the new girl so she could have an easy life.
Penelope was closed off, angry, difficult and struggled so much at school that there was talk of a special school. Jemma’s heart ached for the little beauty who she was sure would have been just the opposite if she hadn’t been dragged around London like a hitchhiker, no one really spending the time with her that she needed.
It just so happened that Jemma had met a terrific gay couple a few weeks before. The guys were in their late thirties and wanted to adopt, there was still a lot of stigma surrounding same sex adoption at the time and so they decided to try their hand at fostering. Many of Jemma’s older colleagues were dubious and prejudice against the men but being younger and more enlightened she met with them and realised they were exactly what these kids needed, people who weren’t fostering for money but for love.
They wanted children in their lives, but couldn’t do it the way that nature intended or even get through the gruelling rounds for adoption due to prejudice. Gary was a drugs and alcohol counsellor with more patience than a saint and would give up his job once they were allocated a child. Leon was an accountant who headed up his own firm near their home.
She mentioned Penelope to them and all her problems and how much love and help she needed and there was no hesitation. The guys had been overlooked so many times that they jumped at the chance of a little girl who needed all the love they had to give. Penelope thrived and Jemma found the problematic case becoming her favourite home visit over the years.
Penelope found Jemma years later on Facebook. It began with messages catching up and an insight into Penelope’s life which although functioning broke Jemma’s heart just a little, to see that she scraped by in school and didn’t have much money or someone to love her in a personal relationship. She didn’t mean for the thought to enter her head, she didn’t mean to divulge her issues to Penelope. She knew Penelope remembered her fondly, idolised her in a way, and that what she was doing was wrong. She could lose her job.
She cared for Penelope, she had always had a special place in her heart, her little success story. She trusted the girl would follow through as she felt like she owed Jemma for saving her.
It was fucked up and totally wrong but this girl was fertile, this girl could have had ten babies and Jemma could not.
She couldn’t tell Saint Matt, he would never have understood.
The guilt weighed down on her but the need outweighed all else.
When she held Penelope’s hand at the first scan and that beautiful face turned to her with joy, pure unadulterated joy that she could repay the favour that had been Jemma’s job, a small part of Jemma died at what she had done. She hated the other part of her that thought if the baby looked anything like Penelope then she would have hit the jackpot.
She knew she was going straight to hell.
Chapter 24 - Ten Months Old
Penny
AFTER MY NIGHT OUT with Matt I wondered if I would ever meet anyone like him. Jemma had been one lucky woman finding a man just so gorgeous and protective and sweet. He made me feel like a rockstar every time I exited the stage and as soon as I sat down he asked what I was going to sing next. He hugged me, he touched me and he smelled to die for. I secretly hoped people thought he was mine, secretly hoped people thought we were together. He was way out of my league but for one night it felt wonderful just being in his spotlight.
The discussion about Jemma added a dark dynamic to the night but I was glad we got past it and managed to enjoy the rest of the night. I got what he thought, that she’d pushed me or used me but it really hadn’t happened like that. Jemma had been there for me when everyone else had given up. I wanted to help her when it felt like every option was abandoned.
I knew better than anyone what getting a child who was already damaged would have been like, I wanted her to have her own baby. I wanted her to have that. I knew Gary and Leon wouldn’t understand, that’s why I didn’t tell them. They didn’t ever need to know who the baby was meant for. Jemma and I had decided to use my eggs, rather than a donor as she’d tried a donor and it just hadn’t worked. My own egg had a better chance of survival. They probably would have talked me out of that as well, worried about me getting attached.
Ivy was now walking with a baby walker and my flat was getting cluttered with large, plastic, pink things. Matt kept arriving with more and more stuff and I was having to get rid of things to make way for everything that Ivy needed.
It had been three weeks since my birthday when a text came from Lachlan, I’d forgotten he even had my number.
Lachlan: Hi Penny, do you fancy a drink this week?
I was a little taken aback as I sat with Ivy asleep on my lap after a walk to the park. Did I want to go out for a drink with him? The reality of it was that I couldn’t be bothered to do much but I’d enjoyed my nights out recently and I needed to try and date. I was dangerously close to only spending time with Matt out of work and although I loved that, it had to come to an end one day and so I should spread my wings. I owed it to Ivy to try and find a family life for her.
Me: Hi Lachlan, I’m free Wednesday and Friday J
Serena offered to babysit when he responded saying Wednesday was a good day but when I told Matt I was out the next night on our usual Tuesday, he said he would do it. He didn’t ask me where I was going and I don’t know why but I felt weird about admitting it to him, although there was nothing between us it still felt like an interruption to our happy trio. He said we had a rule that when I needed help I asked him first as he always wanted to see Ivy, it was cute and I thanked him for it.
So when he arrived a little after dinner time on Wednesday, I’d bathed Ivy and she was having her bottle when he knocked on the door.
“Hey,” he stepped inside. I was wearing skinny jeans, a loose fitting black top and stilettos. “Wow,” he furrowed his brow, “you look nice.”
“Thanks,” I smiled, Ivy was sleepy and so he reached out for her and she snuggled onto his shoulder as I passed him the bottle.
“Where you off?” he asked, settling on the sofa.
“Oh ... um,” I bent to tidy up her toys, not meeting his eye, “you remember the guy who gave me his number?” I stuttered.
“You text him?” he raised an eyebrow.
“He text me,” I stored Ivy’s thin
gs in the basket that I tucked under the small coffee table, “so I thought why not?” I shrugged and met his intense stare.
“Yeah,” he smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes, “can’t stay single forever.” He added, holding the bottle over Ivy who was clutching it herself and watching me from behind it as she settled on her daddy.
“It’s just friends,” I sighed, “Only a couple of drinks, nothing major.”
“Right,” he nodded.
I went to the kitchen, tidied around and prepared to leave as he sat in front on the TV.
“Bye,” I said quickly, bending to kiss Ivy and I basked in the now familiar smell of Matt, his clean fabric scent coupled with his aftershave and just him that I found almost comforting. Lucky Ivy got to be nestled into him all the time but all I got were fleeting hugs in the friend zone.
“Have fun,” he clipped out and I left.
It was a June evening and you would expect some sun but despite the light evenings it was cold and there was a fine sheen of rain falling. I made it to the bar five minutes early and so nipped into the ladies to try and resolve the hair situation. My hair was naturally light and although it wasn’t curly, when it got wet it became wavy and looked a mess. I tried to tease it a little in the mirror and removed any mascara that had smudged under my eyes from the rain. I looked presentable and so went back out to meet Lachlan.
He was a nice guy, he told me he was in a band, they toured clubs and pubs in London and got paid to do covers. He played bass guitar and made enough money from the band to live at home with his parents until he made it big. He was a dreamer and his dark fuzz of shaved hair, brown eyes and visible tattoos would have been just the ticket for me a year or so earlier. Two years ago I would have been caught up by the stars in his eyes, would have drank myself into an oblivion with him, sang for him, shared my own shit and would have packed up my stuff and moved into a squat if he’d asked.
