by Hayley Oakes
I wouldn’t dare to dream, dreams were for fools. I wouldn’t depend, depending was for wimps. I would live in the moment and store all the feelings until one day, when I’m old and faded, I can open them up like a warm blanket and remember the man that made me see what my life could have been like if I hadn’t been born me.
Chapter 27 – Matthew
“HOW ABOUT WE STAY at my house one night?” I asked, it was the Wednesday between my babysitting nights. I’d invited myself round, unfortunately though I’d arrived later than Ivy’s bedtime because of work but Penny had prepared lasagne which was a bonus. I’d kissed Ivy and watched her sleep for a moment while Penny dished it out.
“Um ...” she was perched on the sofa, her plate on her knee. She looked delectable tonight, she wore black leggings that showcased her high, toned bum and a sleeveless button up shirt that tied at the waist and showed a hint of her taut stomach.
I watched with narrowed eyes as her thoughts swirled and she sat with her mouth slightly open, “your house?” she repeated.
“Yeah,” I nodded, “it’s bigger, we’d have more room and Ivy would be in her own room,” I wiggled my eyebrows at the privacy and she pursed her lips in a wry smile.
She sighed, “I’d feel weird.”
“Why?” I furrowed my brow but I knew why, “it’s where I live, where I’ve lived alone for a year and where Ivy stays if you need her to .... so?”
“Well it’s Jemma’s space.”
“Her things are gone,” I added emotionless, staring forward at the TV, ticked off that Penny would be spooked so easily when she always seemed to be on board with my grief.
She moved closer to where I sat and bumped me lightly with her arm, “it just feels disrespectful somehow.”
“What?” I huffed out a breath, “I lose my wife and so no one can ever visit my house because she used to live there? I need to heal, I need to have a life and I wouldn’t ask you if I felt it was weird in any way. That’s all that should matter.”
She didn’t speak, just thought it over for a second and then placed her plate on the floor and her arm around me, kissing my shoulder, “I never thought of it like that,” she uttered, “I would love to see your house.”
I turned to her and kissed her head, “I had to have a tantrum then, did you see that?” I smirked.
“Yeah kinda noticed, now I know where Ivy gets it from,” she tittered, picking her plate back up and relaxing back into the sofa.
I glanced back at her, “you could have any man you know and yet you put up with me, the man with all the baggage.”
She laughed, “baggage? This is nothing, I once dated a guy who’s mum breast fed him ‘til he was seven, now that dude had issues.”
I laughed out loud and watched her take a bite of her food, she didn’t bullshit me or tell me I was perfect or that there were no issues. We both had things that loomed over us and that we dealt with daily and yet it had brought us to where we were ... together.
“There are no other men banging down my door anyway Matt Larson, you’re safe,” she teased. I put my plate on the floor and took hers off her as she gave me a questioning stare.
“There better be no more fucking men banging at that door,” I growled, pushing her back onto the sofa and lying over her, my mouth finding hers and my tongue teasing her gently. “Will you come and stay with me?” I asked, my forehead resting on hers.
“On one condition,” she uttered.
“Name it,” I groaned, one hand already finding its way under the flimsy shirt.
“No pyjamas,” she grinned into my kiss.
“Deal!” I grunted out as I slid my other hand into her leggings and she moaned with need
The next Saturday we agreed I would pick her up at work and they would stay with me. I had Ivy in the day and spent a lot of it cleaning and tidying so that she didn’t walk into a stinking bachelor pad. Although Penny’s flat was small she kept it really tidy and neat, everything had its place and she was always cleaning. My house hadn’t been cleaned in a while and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d used the vacuum cleaner.
Usually on a Saturday I visited my parents as they knew I had Ivy all day but I hadn’t had chance between washing sheets, changing sheets and throwing stuff in cupboards. I was buggered and it was a good job Ivy was content playing with her toys on the floor while I huffed and puffed.
“You think it’s okay for Mummy?” I asked Ivy, carrying her downstairs for lunch after just vacuuming and dusting the upstairs.
“Hello!” I heard from the front door and turned to see my mum walking in, closely followed by Dad. I suppressed a groan, it was great that they wanted to see us but it would also interfere with my plans to clean as there would be so many questions from the Queen of the interrogators.
“Hi Mum,” I said as they marched into the house and followed me to the kitchen diner at the back.
“Hello my little girl,” Mum clapped her hands and reached out for Ivy, who leaned forward to go to her. My parents had mastered the art of bribery where she was concerned and she bloody loved them for it.
“Brian, where’s that chocolate?” Mum asked Dad as he stood behind her and he started riffling through the shopping bags he was carrying.
“No chocolate,” I sighed, “we’re about to have lunch.”
“Oh we’ve not eaten.” Mum added, sitting down at the dining table with Ivy facing her on the edge of the table. They began clapping together and Dad gave me an apologetic smile.
“Maybe Matthew has things to do, Aid...” he began.
“Nonsense he can make four sandwiches as well as two and I get to see my only grandchild,” she emphasised the word only and I rolled my eyes at Dad. He mouthed the word sorry.
“Have you been cleaning?” the bloodhound who doubles as my mother asked, sniffing the air.
“Yes,” I hissed, “cheese or ham?” I swiftly changed the subject and she accepted it because she was getting her own way.
I made the sandwiches and we all moved to sit outside in the July sunshine, Ivy crawled about the grass and I kept trying to pass her some of her Dairylea sandwich but she was less than interested. My parents reclined on sun loungers and my mum told me a story about their old neighbour Mr Chauhan who had chopped down a beloved tree that they thought was on their land. A tree I was struggling to even recall.
I was itching to get my house ready for a visitor and instead was being talked at about retired people drivel. “So what will you do for Ivy’s birthday next month?” Mum asked as she finished her sandwich. “We could throw something at the house, get everyone over ...”
“No,” I cut in, “I think we’ll do something here but I need to discuss with Penny.”
“Well won’t she have something with her family and friends separately?” Mum said, bending to sit on the grass, passing Ivy her toys as she bashed the plastic tea set on the unsuspecting grass.
“You know she has no family,” I sighed, “anyway there’s no point having a separate something.” I was losing my patience with them, I hadn’t even discussed it with Penny and already they were questioning my ideas.
“You two have this co-parenting thing going well,” she turned and watched me with narrowed eyes.
“Yep,” I nodded, taking a drink of my water and purposely not allowing her to probe.
“I think it’s great,” Dad said cheerily looking between us two.
“I think it’ll only work for so long until you both find a partner,” she shrugged. I inhaled a deep breath and pushed off my seat, clearing their plates and walking back inside. Other partners? She was pissing me off and I had to take a break from her nonsense. I had no idea what this thing with Penny was but the last thing I wanted to think of was her with another partner, I wasn’t hiding anything because I was ashamed it was more that I just didn’t want everything to be analysed.
I ran the plates under the tap and Dad walked in placing glasses on the side of the sink, he placed his hand on my shoulder a
nd gave it a squeeze. “She means well,” he sighed, “I know sometimes it feels like too much but now you kids are older she’s a bit lost so she likes to ...”
“Run our lives,” I groaned.
“Be involved,” he corrected me with a smirk, “you do what you want anyway so just humour her, eh?” I pulled my lips up into a smile at the side of my face and nodded.
“She’s driving me nuts.”
“She’s still worried about you,” he gave me a sad smile, “we were all worried about you, this is the best we could have wished for.”
“What? No more drink?” I joked.
“No you being a part of your daughter’s life, having a healthy relationship with her mum and looking ... happy.”
I lowered my head and rubbed my face with my hands, “sometimes I feel guilty for being happy.” I admitted in a low voice.
“If you were gone and she had stayed, would you have wanted her to be happy?” he asked.
I nodded, “yeah.”
“In my experience with loss, it never goes away but it just becomes easier to live with.”
“Can you get her out of here, I want to clean.” I didn’t have to explain shit to my dad, he never needed an explanation. There were no guarantees that he wouldn’t tell Mum later on though.
“How about we take Ivy and you get your jobs done, son?”
I grinned at him, “sounds awesome but please don’t fill her full of chocolate.”
“Oh but that’s what grandparents are for,” he pointed a finger at me and laughed, “making the kids hyper just before they hand them back.”
After my parents took Ivy I threw myself into getting the house straight, I got briefly distracted by the tennis but soon back to it. I was happy with the progress I’d made and was trying to find something to make for dinner when I decided I’d better set off to collect Ivy and then go for Penny. I drove to my parent’s house to find cars filing the driveway which meant both my sisters were home. I pushed open the front door and heard giggling from the back of the house.
Ivy was sitting on Ellen’s knee as they laughed at her silly noises and Ellen played peekaboo with her. I felt like I was intruding on my own family’s private time when I stood in the doorway.
“She’s such a cutie,” Ellen said turning to give me a huge grin. “What does she want for her birthday daddy?” she asked, still smiling.
“Um, I don’t know I better ask Penny,” I gruffed out, stepping towards Ivy and reaching out to take her.
“You need to get with it daddy and learn what the kids like, I’ll ask around at work,” Ellen added.
I shrugged, “I have no idea what little girls need.”
“He and Penny are going to throw a party together at his house,” I didn’t miss how Mum widened her eyes to Ellen and gave her a knowing glare. They were as thick as thieves and when Lydia was their victim, I much preferred it.
“Ohhh,” Ellen drew out her response and gave Mum the eye. “I could text Penny I suppose, you have her number don’t you mum?”
“No texting Penny,” I glared at her and noticed all eyes on me, even Lydia who usually didn’t give a shit about any family crap.
Mum narrowed her eyes, “you two seem very close,” she pressed.
“We are,” I snapped, kissing Ivy’s head as she wriggled in my arms. “I’ll let you all know about the party,” I said, walking back into the house as my mum shuffled closely behind, grabbing Ivy’s nappy bag and tittering to me.
I loved my family but they drove me crazy and nothing was ever sacred with them. She placed the strap of the bag over my shoulder and patted me gently, “if there was something going on you’d tell me, right?” she asked, cocking her head to the side.
“Absolutely not,” I bent and kissed her head. “No way!”
Once I’d collected Penny we drove to mine and I watched her reaction as we pulled up outside the house. It was a red brick, new build with an integrated garage and four bedrooms, from the outside it looked huge but it seemed smaller inside. I didn’t want her to get hung up on the house but I could see from her face that she already was, “it’s massive.” She let out a breath through her nose and gave me a worried look.
“I’m ten years older than you, Penny. I’ve had some years to collect some stuff.” I grinned and she nodded sombrely.
We went inside, she followed holding Ivy and I was pleased that the clean smell had remained from before. “So I did some cleaning,” I looked back with a grin as I carried the nappy bag and the overnight bag she had packed. She gave me a half-hearted smile and we walked straight back to the kitchen, where I dropped the stuff on the floor. Ivy had her head rested on Penny’s shoulder.
“You did a great job,” she smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes. I stepped towards her and wrapped my arms around them both, holding her in place and kissing the top of her head.
“What’s the issue, Pen?” I asked in a whisper, not letting her go.
She blew out a breath, “your house is huge, it’s beautiful.”
“But ....” I urged.
“But nothing, I just ... this is so not what I’m used to,” she uttered.
“So get used to it,” I rubbed her back and Ivy moved her head to see me, “hello.” I said to her with a smile and she swatted my face.
“People will think ...” she started.
“Stop!” I stepped back, “I’ll tell you now, I don’t give a shit what people think and please just relax and try to feel at home.”
She nodded and looked up at me with those beautiful eyes, “okay.”
“So,” I placed my hands on her shoulders and rubbed gently, “I think we get the little lady to bed, you let me run you a bath, we have wine and eat dinner in front of the TV.”
“Sounds like bliss, what’s for dinner?” she asked and I grimaced.
“No plan yet ... take away?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Perfect.” She nodded.
I took her upstairs and started running the bath then showed her to Ivy’s room as Ivy crawled around the landing, she gasped when I pushed open the door. “Oh my God,” she covered her mouth with her hands.
I looked around the room and although I’d been in there so many times and appreciated the hard work Jemma put it, I saw it with her eyes. The smooth grey walls, the freeze with matching light fittings, the matching paintings on the wall. The drawers with a matching changing matt on top and the teddy bears that were scattered on the feeding chair. Then on the wall in fabric covered soft foam letters spelled B A B Y L.
“Oh God,” she said again and I caught the emotion in her voice. “This is Ivy’s room, did you ...?” she looked at me and I lowered my head and shook it.
“Jemma,” I said and her eyes momentarily filled with tears.
“It’s so beautiful,” she wiped away quick tears and my own emotions rose in my chest.
“She spent ages in here,” I sighed, feeling guilty for the hours I refused to help.
“Ivy would have been so lucky to have had her as a mum,” she said, moving to run her hands along the side of the cot. “It’s so much more than I can ever give her,” she added solemnly.
“Ivy is lucky to have you as a mum,” I said, stepping up behind her and placing my hands around her from behind. “Someone who changed their life at the last minute to make sure she’d be loved.”
“But this is just what every little girl should have,” she croaked out.
“And she has it, it’s here for her when she stays but she also has you, best of both worlds.” I told her. I heard Ivy huffing towards us and turned to see her crawling up and then pulling herself up on Penny’s leg, Penny bent to pick her up.
“You are a lucky girl,” she tickled Ivy’s tummy and she laughed, “you didn’t tell me your bedroom at daddy’s was so beautiful,” her soulful voice hummed to Ivy.
“Bath,” I said, darting back to the bathroom to make sure it hadn’t filled too much.
We bathed her and then I left Penny to bath w
hile I dressed Ivy in her bedroom. “You okay?” I asked, popping my head round the door to see Penny lying back in my bath, waiting for it to fill. She looked exhausted. “Tough day?” I asked and she smiled.
“None stop.”
“Indian?” I asked and she nodded.
I left her there and then took Ivy downstairs to get her bottle.
“Night mummy,” I said as we passed the bathroom back to Ivy’s room, bending so Penny could kiss her. I took Ivy into her room, settled us on the rocking chair and gave her the bottle whilst I read her a story. I rocked her and she sucked the dregs from the bottle then snuggled into me as I reached for another story. She was losing her baby chubbiness now that she was more active and judging by how much she pulled herself to standing it wouldn’t be long until she walked. Her eyes were still mine but her hair was getting lighter like Penny’s. I stroked her cheek lightly and saw in her sleeping face more of Penny than I had ever seen before. She was beautiful.
It was hard for Penny to come to my house and see how much Jemma had prepared, how much she had wanted Ivy but equally I wanted to share my space with them. When Ivy and I were home alone it always felt like someone was missing. When Jemma wanted a baby so much that it sent her crazy I didn’t get it, didn’t get the need but now I looked at Ivy and I thought she must have been psychic. The feeling I got when I watched my daughter sleep filled me with the deepest love that I couldn’t explain and to share her with Penny, made me so grateful for her as well.
I noticed a movement at the door and looked up to see Penny standing there in her pyjamas, leaning against the doorframe and smiling at me. I smiled back, picked up a sleeping Ivy and laid her in her cot. Penny crept in and stood next to me by the cot. “She’s beautiful like her mummy,” I said, placing my arm around Penny.
“I feel like an imposter in someone else’s life,” she whispered turning to me with a sad smile, “she was supposed to be standing here, sharing this with you.”
“She died,” I said bluntly and I watched as she looked at me with sympathy, “she died but we’re still here and we need you.”
