Seeking Nirvana

by V. L. Brock

  “Yeah, carry on Walker, just laugh at me. I’m used to people laughing at my expense nowadays,” I riled.

  “Hey,” that sole word was like an extinguisher on my frustration as it came deep and indulgent. He took a long, well measured stride to close the distance between our bodies. Air wedged in my throat as he lifted his hand and cradled my face, the calloused surface chaffing my cheek. “I’m not laughing at you, darlin’,” his mouth quirked again, and I noticed that tiny, tiny dimple form on his left cheek. “I would never laugh or judge you.” His head was low, his stare intense. I fought with very ounce of strength I had not to do something that I knew I would be unable to take back. “You were jealous.” It was a statement, but that lilt posed it as a question.

  The position we found ourselves in on a busy sidewalk, with cars passing by, the streetlamps glowing, Walker’s large, rough hand pressed against my skin, and adrift in the Ocean, which was beginning to suffer turbulent waves of emotion, had me wanting to stay in that heady predicament indefinitely.

  But what I needed more was to stay safe; I needed not to fuck up. Taking a cautious, liberal step back, his hand fell from me, back to his side heavily. “I don’t know why I did? I shouldn’t have. I’m in a relationship,” I grunted, bolstering my words with a shaking of my head. “Yes, it’s flawed, and not making much sense to me at the moment, but it’s a relationship nevertheless. You’re not mine to be jealous over, Walker. You’re nothing to me.”

  He tried to disguise it, I know he did, but nothing could mask the way his face fell, the shadow which was cast in his eyes, and the gasp of air he took as his body stiffened at my words.

  Flailing my head, my gaze shifted to the gray stones of the walkway. “You’re nothing to me,” I repeated again under my breath in an attempt to realize it for myself. I lifted my head to meet his wounded gaze. “I may be powerless to control these feelings, but I can control what prompts them. Stay away from me, Walker.”

  Turning on my heel, I started to march down the block when he called, “We’re still on for McGinty’s Thursday night, right?”

  I twisted around to face him but continued to walk backwards. “Don’t you listen? I said stay away, Walker.” I turn around again.

  “But––”

  “Fuck McGinty’s,” I tossed back over my shoulder, cutting him off, “And fuck the situation.”

  My head was jumbled. Thoughts were random, feelings were chaotic. I tortured myself as I relived the What Ifs in a time loop in my mind as I walked home with my mint-green clutch purse under my left arm, my heels dangling from my right hand. What if I stared at him a moment longer when he held my cheek? What if I squirmed a little more in his grasp? What if instead of taking a clear step away from him, I had lifted my head back a little farther? What if we kissed?

  This wasn’t something that I should have been marveling over. I should’ve been considering how to get things back to normal with Liam. Questioning how and why things had spiraled so far out of control. I wasn’t in Kansas anymore with him…that was for sure.

  Trudging up the front steps to the house, a recognizable intonation of “Coo-ee” had me dropping my head as I met the dark wood door of the white building and sifted for my keys.

  “Please, someone take me back to the accident and be done with me,” I muttered to myself before lifting my head and unenthusiastically turning my focus onto the Mrs. Steinbeck. She was donning a pink fluffy robe, slippers and a purple hairnet holding her barrel curlers in place. I forced a smile. “Yes, Mrs. Steinbeck.”

  “Kady, I see you’re alone.”

  And this was her business why?

  “That I am. Wal–” shit, I halted and discreetly rolled my eyes. “Jack has an early start in the morning, so we called it a night.”

  “Hmm…” she nodded with a faux smile. Her expression befell to one of sincerity when she lifted a Tupperware bowl. “Mr. DeLaney called earlier saying he was concerned you might not eat properly, so I told him that I would bring something over. I made a chicken casserole and had some spare. Can’t have you starving now can we.”

  With a crumpled brow and pursed lips, I hesitantly accepted the container. “Liam called?”

  “He said he tried getting in contact with you, but there was no answer.”

  “I see. Well, how kind of both of you to look out for me.” I made no attempt to mask my sardonic tone, and mirrored her once faux smile.

  She rubbed my arm with dumpy fingers. “We all lookout for each other in this town, Kady; we’re one big happy family,” she sang while wobbling her head. Good God, kill me now. I half expected a colorful float to roll down the block and everyone burst into an A* neighborhood performance.

  “So I noticed,” I muttered all the while remembering how many people had witnessed mine and Walker’s intense display. Fuck…

  After nosey-parker droned on about how important it is that I attempt to walk in the shoes of the me which I had lost, I studied her as she waddled down the front steps. She flashed a smile and a keen wave before making her way up the path, the shuffling of her fluffy slippers echoing through the night.

  I jammed my key in the lock and hastily pushed it open. “Liam, what the fuck are you up to? Getting Mrs. Busybody to keep tabs on me…worried I won’t eat.” I argued with myself as my pumps clattered to the flooring and made a beeline through to the kitchen. “I’m a fucking adult. I know how important it is to eat. Fucking idiot. How dare he?” I dropped the container into the refrigerator, causing the double silver doors to shake under protest as I slammed it shut.

  I stomped up the stairs, shaking in my head while resuming my muttering, “God, I feel like I’m under fucking surveillance. You’re not going to get away with this, Liam DeLaney. This is far from acceptable.”

  Stepping into the bedroom, the phone began to emit its God awful drilling noise. I flounced over the bed to the right-side, whipped the handset from the cradle and took my aggression out on the button with my thumb.

  “Hello,” I barked.

  “Hey, Kady, baby.”

  “Thank God you called Liam; I have a bone to pick with you,” I hissed, immediately on the defensive.

  “What have I done?” he sounded guarded.

  I droned on about the human camera’s he had watching over me, and how I didn’t appreciate food being brought around just to make certain that I was eating, and how it made me feel.

  “Kady, baby, I’m sorry it made you feel that way. I’m just worried about you. I want to know that you’re safe. Is that so wrong of me, for wanting you safe and healthy after the things that have happened?”

  The gush of air traveled and cracked down the handset as I exhaled noisily. What was I thinking? “No, Liam. It’s not. I’m sorry. Thank you for looking out for me. I love you.”

  “I love you, too.”

  I asked about the journey and his upcoming meeting which he told me was in a few hours. I grinned like the Cheshire cat with a great ball of yarn when he said that it was near impossible for him to concentrate without hearing my voice first. He asked about my night out with Liv. I told him that she seemed to be letting off a lot of steam.

  “I’m not surprised, what with her mom.”

  I sprang myself up from my stomach, my back bolt straight. “Her mom? What’s happened?”

  “She’s been quite ill recently. I don’t know the details, but everyone’s around her.”

  “Why didn’t she tell me?” I questioned with a wounded grimace.

  “Kady, baby, you have your own worries to face. She obviously didn’t want to stress you out, which is something that I don’t want either. Anyway, deviating from the topic, I hope you wrapped up warm tonight. I don’t want you to catch cold or get sick.”

  I shuffled and slipped off the satin covers, my feet landing heavily as I fell from the height of the four-poster. Each step I took over the carpet had my sinking and flexing my toes. “Liam, it’s impossible to catch cold with the contents of my closet,” I sneered while
I stepped into the walk-in; the overhead light flickered before maintaining its brilliant white glow as I flipped the switch upon entering. “None of it has the wow factor that my wardrobe used to consist of.”

  “Baby, you’re a business woman now. You need to be conservative.”

  “You’re telling me that I bake in a Chanel suit?” I mocked.

  A rough chuckle traveled down the handset as I began to unbutton my blouse. “Your words, not mine, Kady, baby.”

  I noticed something pink peeking up from behind a shoebox as I spun around to Liam’s side of the wardrobe. Interest piqued, I crouched down low to retrieve it.

  “Kady, you still there?”

  “Yeah, I’m still here,” I answered wistfully, falling onto my behind. Sitting in the center of the closet, my heart was drumming against my ribs, while my breathing quivered as I studied the note in my hand:

  Thank you for the new memories xox

  “Liam, why is there a note in the closet saying, ‘Thank you for the new memories’?” I asked once I finally found my voice.

  “A note?” Silence prevailed for a beat. “On pink paper?”

  “Yes.”

  He sniggered then sighed, a little grating groan sounded and I knew he was stretching back. “About eighteen months ago, I took you to a cabin up north for the weekend. We chopped our own wood for the fire; we ate s’mores and made love under the stars, things we’d never done before. When I went back to work on the Monday, I found that in my lunch. It’s sentimental, Kady, baby.”

  As his words caressed my ear, my heart rate began to regulate, my body spiraled down from the tension which it was inundated by.

  “Kady, I have to get ready for this meeting. I’ll ring you tomorrow, okay.”

  “I don’t mind ringing you, Liam.”

  “No, its best that I ring you, baby. I know the time zones.”

  With the hot pink paper in my grasp, I acceded to his demand before saying goodnight and hanging up.

  Traipsing back into the room, I set the phone in its cradle and seized a pen and notepad from the ivory nightstand. I copied the sentence, and then studied them both.

  Thank you for the new memories xox

  Chapter Nine

  The beating of raindrops was practically vibrating from the roof of my SUV as I put it into park across the way from the building site. I stared on as the force of workmen called out orders to one another while continuing to shift bricks and go about their duties, regardless of the temperamental weather.

  And to think the sun was beaming less than an hour ago…you wouldn’t have thought it with how forceful the droplets were smashing against my windshield, before breaking and choosing their own fated journey leaving the glass distorted with veiny streaks.

  Removing my keys, I flung open my door and dropped out of the car, potently slamming it shut behind me.

  Dazed, indignant and uncaring of the danger which lay ahead, I ran across the road. Horns were blaring and drivers hastily applied their breaks causing deafening screeching to sound through the downpour as they veered along the saturated ground to avoid me.

  Slipping and sliding, my heels were eaten up by the suction of the dirt as I entered the building sight, while muddy water from the gathering of puddles, splattered over my jeans. Sodden tresses were hooked behind my ear, while pure hysteria superseded every emotion and every word of rationalization that I wanted to free. My white blouse was rapidly turning transparent and clung to my flesh, prompting the workload to catch an eyeful, and begin their stereotypical catcalls.

  Ignoring their crassness, I shouted over to the middleweight, thirty-something man, whose tips of dark, curly hair peeped out through the yellow safety helmet, “Where the fuck is he?”

  “Where’s who?”

  “Well, I know where your fucking boss is, so who else would I be talking about?” I reproached, and as if Mother Nature was sensing my wrath, the heavens opened farther, and the downpour came harder, brutally assaulting my flesh with cold spears.

  The man timidly pointed behind me to the small, white cabin. I stomped off, not even so much as muttering my appreciation.

  I stamped up two steps, flung the cabin door open, and ducked in from the rain, freeing myself of as much water as I could with a shake of my head, and a prompt brush down of my torso. He was behind the desk going over what appeared to be a blueprint. He peeked up when everything that was in the compartment vibrated as I yanked the door closed behind me.

  “Kady,” he pushed himself back into the seat.

  “You’re a fucking asshole. You motherfucking cunt, how could you do that to me?” I was screaming.

  He shunted himself up from the chair and with great caution, began to round the table while running his hand back through his hair, making it stick up in a messy, yet attractive fashion. His black workpants were filthy, the bottom half of his plaid shirt was buttoned, while the white T-shirt which lay beneath, peeked out from his chest.

  “You couldn’t have just told me? You had to send me on a motherfucking wild goose chase?” I was squealing…I was livid.

  “You’re telling me, if I just came out with it, you would have just believed me, darlin’?” He was gradually sealing the space between us, his arms waving about as he spoke with resolve.

  My body was cold as air clung to the wet material which wasn’t doing anything to screen my body, while profound anger spawned tears which I desperately didn’t want to release…not in front of him, anyway. However, emotions were running high, and despite that strength of my secret demand, they were soon streaming down my face. I curled my upper lip with contempt while my eyes narrowed into disparaging slits. “You’re sick.”

  He looked almost contrite when he peeked down at his work boots and rolled his lips over his teeth. When he finally raised his head to gaze at me head-on, he was nodding faintly, his eyes apologetic. “Maybe…” his brow rose. “But it was something you needed to discover for yourself. I just gave you a hand.”

  Trembling with anger, I tried to hang my head, but a stern finger was placed under my chin, bringing an end to my intention. The chilliness of my body, cloaked by the heat of his had me quivering with an unthinkable expectation. I looked into ocean blue eyes, while an ocean was welling up in mine. My mouth quivered as I sniffled. “I don’t know what to do now.”

  Rounded by his left arm while his hips were pressing into me, his jaw which was covered in stubble, had slacked. The sound of the lock being turned was masked by his seductively spoken words. “Don’t fight it.”

  The intense feeling of déjà vu was devastating, as my vivid dream faded into oblivion and my eyes sprang open to the sound of the handset drilling beside me.

  What the fuck?

  Ruffling paper sounded far too loudly when I tossed myself over to the nightstand to grasp the phone from the cradle.

  “Hello,” I mumbled sleepily, my heavy, sleepy head resting in the palm of my free hand.

  “Kady,” The sound of Liv sniveling down the speaker had me instantly alert.

  Ivory satin covers pooled at my waist as I sat myself up in the heart of the bed. “Liv, what’s the matter?”

  “Kady, it’s my mom,” she gushed frantically. “I didn’t want to worry you, but she’s been ill. I just got a call from my brother; I’ve got to fly out to her, they need my help. I’m sorry to leave you in the lurch like this, but––”

  “Oh God, Liv, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine. You go to your mom. Send her our love, and I hope she gets better soon.”

  I heard her stuffing things into a bag. “Okay. I’ll ring you when I get back. I’m so sorry, chick. Bye.”

  “Bye.”

  As I set the phone back on its support, I gathered the rustling paper, which I must have fallen asleep with, in my hand. I studied it over and over and over.

  Thank you for the new memories xox

  Thank you for the new memories xox

  My heart was telling me I was overthinking, trying to find a link
up to everything and anything.

  My head was telling me that I had stumbled upon undeniable proof for my harshest thoughts.

  Dropping the notes to the table, I kicked the throw off my body, and forced myself from the warmth of the vast bed, while muttering obscenities to myself as I trudged to the bathroom to take care of my needs.

  Bite-sized pieces of information revolved around my mind, tantalizing me with what I could only describe as vivid, yet somewhat unclear conceptions. Spitting out a mouthful of toothpaste, I raised my head and peered into the mirror, my stay at MA General spurring my memory. I cocked my head, my brow crumpled with deepened wrinkles as I settled my hand upon the vanity unit and braced my weight through my left arm, my toothbrush suspended in mid-air as I pointed it at my reflection.

  “Why did you do that, Brittany?”

  Hovering around the white and oak kitchen island, I took small, careful sips of my steaming coffee and waited for the chirpy sound of my sister’s voice to end the annoying tone of the connecting call. It was 8:25 a.m., so there was no way was she still in bed. Well, I hoped not anyway.

  Just as I set my mug on the wooden surface and swallowed my bitter liquid, she finally answered.

  “Brittany?”

  “Kady? Is that you?” she sounded surprised.

  I ignored her question, jumping straight to defense. “Why did you do it, Brittany?” She sounded even more confused than what I was feeling nowadays when she asked what I was referring to. “The day you came to the hospital. You snapped at Liam, I mean, really snapped. And don’t tell me that it was because he was digging about your hair. It was more than that. Why?”

  “Kady,” she grumbled and I heard a weighted groan being ousted with her breath.

  Exasperated, I fisted my hands through my hair. “Don’t give me that, Britt. I need to know. Things are…they’re not adding up here at all, Britt. Once again, I’m feeling like I’m in quicksand. I’m fighting so hard to put pieces together, what with Mom and Dad, the way Liam is acting, things that I’ve found. God, even my feelings…”