Alaska Secrets

by Sarah Varland

  How could she have thought she could hide from him?

  “Yes.”

  “I can explain...” she started.

  He shook his head. No, she couldn’t. She couldn’t explain disappearing the way she did, not in a way that would erase the past. And even if she could, he wouldn’t ask her to. They both needed to be able to put the past behind them.

  He’d thought he’d stopped being sad years ago, that only anger remained, but he’d been lying to himself. He felt almost hollow, seeing her here in front of him, knowing all they’d lost.

  The only positive thing he could say about her right now as he studied her was that she was still beautiful, and that she didn’t look away. Her dark green eyes didn’t flinch from his gaze. She didn’t make excuses. Instead, she just sat there on the floor with more than one of his dogs curled up into her side and waited. She’d taken her hat off and her hair was dark and shiny, falling around her shoulders. It had been medium brown when he’d known her before, but this suited her well.

  The air, once cold and empty, was now thick with emotions that he couldn’t even name. Here was someone else who understood some of what he’d been through these last few years, but instead of informing him when she’d moved to town—she’d hidden.

  Three years. Liz had been gone for three years.

  The whole time, Ellie had been here, in his hometown, where he’d sought refuge. Of course, he tended to stay out of the town itself, preferring the solitude of his cabin.

  Had she known he was here, too?

  Why did it matter? he reasoned with himself. The outcome was the same. She hadn’t made an effort to reach out to him. He’d never seen her in town, though admittedly his house was a bit outside town and he avoided going into the community whenever possible. He grocery shopped, of course. But he didn’t go to town events, or really anywhere else that he would have seen her.

  Seth admitted to himself that it did matter... She mattered to him. Always had. Always would, probably, even though he knew that was a foolish thought. He took a deep breath, let it out and waited to hear what she had to say. Tried not to lose himself in her jade-colored eyes.

  Knowing that, whatever it was, wouldn’t help the empty pain inside him heal. But it might give him enough anger to make sure that the walls in his heart never came down, that he could never get hurt again.

  * * *

  Judging by the anger on his face, she’d been right to keep who she was from him.

  Or was it sadness? His jaw was hard, clenched. His eyes unreadable.

  Ellie rubbed her arms; the cold in the room had gotten worse in the last few minutes, and she felt more alone than she could remember feeling in years.

  Strange that she should feel that way with the one person who might understand the hole someone’s death could leave in your life.

  “Yes. It’s me.” The words felt funny leaving her lips, speaking to him this way, like they were still close.

  Like they used to be.

  Like they could have been if it weren’t for her. She’d left him while they were both grieving, and she knew her actions were indefensible. But Liz’s death was something she should have been able to prevent. Liz had been his sister, his family. There weren’t enough apologies in the world to cover that, and Ellie had drowned herself in her guilt.

  Left because she couldn’t handle feeling it every time she looked at Seth, knowing he’d lost Liz because of her.

  “You’re in my town.” He stared. Waited. “Why?”

  She shook her head. “Long story.”

  “And we have nothing but time.”

  Ellie stood and walked to a window, cracked it open an inch and looked out. She saw nothing but the dark landscape. The moon had gone partially behind a cloud, making it more difficult to see. That was good; it might mean they were safer sheltering in place here than they would have been otherwise.

  Without talking about it, she and Seth had both shut their headlamps off after entering the cabin. There was just enough light streaming inside to read enough of his facial expressions to know he wasn’t pleased.

  “Please shut that.”

  He was upset. Because she’d opened the window? Or because of the way she’d left things?

  She looked back at him and shook her head. What did he want her to say? That she’d left him because his sister’s death had been her fault? That if she’d taken Liz’s fears and suspicions more seriously, maybe Liz would still be alive? That Ellie was rewriting her life and her dreams to somehow make it up to her friend?

  No, that was a truth he could never know. It was one she didn’t even like to admit.

  Worst of all of it, she’d lost Seth. The man she’d loved, wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Her gaze flitted to his jaw, the rough stubble that always grew along the edge of it. She’d cupped that jaw in her hands while she’d kissed him, run her fingers along it, admired it.

  Now it was the face of someone she didn’t even know. Once upon a time, she and this man had been achingly close to living happily-ever-after.

  Now they were strangers.

  Death was final, irrevocable. Ellie had been a good police officer. She’d always had excellent observational skills, and she wasn’t afraid of much. She should have been able to figure out who’d wanted to hurt Liz when her friend told her she was getting threats, but she hadn’t been able to. Liz wouldn’t give her much to work with; her friend had been hiding something.

  Years later, Ellie still didn’t know why. Why hadn’t Liz told her everything? She didn’t believe her friend had been mixed up in anything wrong, but maybe she’d been protecting someone who was? Or maybe she’d been protecting Ellie. What had happened? What had she missed? Why hadn’t she been enough? She should have been able to protect her nearest and dearest...and that included the man she’d intended to spend her life with.

  She looked over at Seth again. Frowned. Something she should have realized before finally tickled at the back of her mind.

  “You were attacked...” She trailed off because the pieces still didn’t fit in her mind. Nothing made sense. Liz had been gone for three years. Were the same people who had murdered Liz the ones responsible for Seth’s attack? Why come after Seth now?

  “Do you know who might have attacked you? Any enemies?”

  He just stared at her.

  “I’m trying to help here.”

  “You’re not a police officer anymore, Ellie.”

  She frowned.

  “And no. No idea why someone would be after me.” He swallowed hard.

  He was wondering if there was a tie to Liz’s case, also. It couldn’t be a coincidence that someone had left him for dead. There was a connection. And Ellie was going to find it.

  “What about it? Please don’t change the subject. Ellie, I want to know why you’re here. And why you didn’t tell me.”

  She sat back down against the wall and shifted. Nothing she did made her more comfortable. She let out a breath and tried to calm her breathing and slow down her heart rate. The last thing she needed was to have some kind of breakdown in front of Seth, but right now she felt like she’d downed an entire pot of coffee and a cup of sugar.

  Nervous. Anxious. Edgy.

  “What do you know about how your sister died?”

  The question was fully out there now, not tactful, not gentle, and Ellie knew it, but she needed to know.

  How she handled the next hour or so would be dictated by his answers.

  “I was told it was a freak thing. Just a random, drive-by shooting in Anchorage. Wrong place, wrong time.” His face was unsettled.

  Ellie shook her head.

  “I didn’t think so, either. But no one knew any different, and I couldn’t find you to ask what you thought...” He trailed off.

  “You looked for me?”

  Seth sla
mmed his fist down on the floor. “Of course I looked for you, Ellie. What kind of question is that? We were going to get married. You think my sister died and I just forgot I had a fiancée? That I somehow didn’t notice that you disappeared into thin air without saying goodbye? Without talking about Liz? Without coming to the funeral? One minute I’m hearing about my sister, you’re with me, hugging me, crying with me, and I think that it’s awful and it hurts, but you and I were going to get through it together. And then twenty-four hours later you were gone.”

  He exhaled, leaned back against the wall and refused to meet her eyes.

  Ellie blinked. She hadn’t expected that after all this time she’d elicit that much of a reaction from Seth. She’d thought...what? That he wouldn’t come after her? That he would let their relationship go without trying to find out why she’d walked away?

  She had known him better than that. Those were lies she’d made herself believe intentionally, though maybe not consciously, to ease her conscience about her choices. Lies that were all too easy to believe because she’d never had anyone in her life before Seth and Liz who cared that much if she stayed or left. It didn’t excuse her behavior, but it did help her understand herself.

  And she had come to the funeral. She’d just stayed away from Seth.

  “She was murdered. I’m almost sure of it. She’d been acting strange and had started receiving threats, but she wouldn’t tell me any more than that at the time.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “She made me promise not to and, Seth, there was no reason to.”

  “You should have told me.”

  Ellie opened her mouth to argue and finally met Seth’s eyes. The weight of their past, the realization that he was right, that this was yet another mistake she’d made, hit her so hard she almost felt out of breath.

  “You’re right. I should have told you.”

  Several seconds passed in silence. Then Seth spoke again.

  “She wouldn’t tell you what they were about or why?”

  “No.” Ellie had to shake her head. “She didn’t say. I couldn’t figure it out. She was supposed to tell me that night. We were meeting for coffee and pie at a little diner she liked.”

  Ellie had been late, and not for any good reason. She’d just lost track of time, been careless. Late for pie and coffee. Then late for everything.

  Her fault. Her fault. Her fault.

  It echoed every day when her heart beat in her still-living chest. When her friend was still dead.

  Ellie knew it should have been her. Or really, it should have been neither of them. Life was cruel. Unfair.

  Seth met her eyes. He felt her pain, she could tell.

  Even after all the intervening years and all she’d put his family through, she felt indescribably connected to this man, and it unseated her in every possible way. Vulnerability meant pain. And she was so very tired. So tired of hurting.

  Maybe this connection could be a good thing. If they could almost read each other’s thoughts, then surely they could work together to figure out who had been after him and what they’d wanted.

  Seth seemed to ask a question with his eyes but then followed it with words. “You think the people who attacked me killed her?”

  She nodded. “If you’re right that you don’t have any enemies, then it makes more sense than anything else. The odds of both of you being targeted for different reasons, by different people, are slim. Since Liz’s murder was never solved, it makes more sense that it has to do with that. But I don’t know why. Why now?”

  He shook his head, unable to answer, either.

  “If it is, will you help me find them?”

  Ellie nodded an answer. Looked at him with her decision in her expression.

  And he nodded his agreement. “Good.”

  They were going to bring whoever did this to justice. Maybe finally find some closure.

  And move on with their individual lives...apart.

  THREE

  “Why are you here? Why Raven Pass?” he finally asked, in the quiet of the night. Ellie shifted, moving one of her legs out from under a dog who had fallen asleep on her.

  Should she tell him the real answer? It revealed too much. But she was tired of all the hiding. For years she’d avoided getting close to anyone. Her search and rescue teammates had noticed but not pushed. Jake, the leader, knew more about her past than anyone did, but he’d had his own secrets and had understood how much it mattered to her to keep them quiet.

  And yes, quiet described the last few years. She told people the minimum about herself. Had no personal life.

  She’d left to avoid hurting Seth more... If she’d only been on time, only taken the threat against Liz more seriously, the woman they’d both loved might still be alive.

  And she’d left to start over. To try to have a life again.

  But she hadn’t been living. Not really. She’d been existing.

  Seeing Seth again made her feel alive. Hurting, yes. Uncertain. Awkward. Because he knew her, really saw her.

  She’d met him when he’d come by Liz’s place when Ellie was there. They’d hit it off immediately and had so much in common. That first night they’d talked til after three in the morning, laughing at the fact that Liz had fallen asleep on the couch between the two of them, laughing at everything really, because that’s what you did when you were just falling into the first stages of love and everything was shiny and new and perfect.

  Ellie had loved his confidence, the fact that he wasn’t threatened by her own strong personality. She’d loved his laugh. His jawline. His eyes. His faith. She’d loved who she was with him and had been counting down until their forever started.

  He didn’t just know her past, he was her past.

  With that in mind, surely she could just answer his question and tell him the truth. “I came here because this town meant something to Liz. And you. And as much as I try, I can’t forget either one of you. Especially you. I guess I’m not very good at moving on.”

  His dark eyebrows rose. She swallowed hard and waited.

  He said nothing.

  Ellie’s heart pounded in her chest, foolishly. She hadn’t been trying to get him back. But it hurt to know that she’d handed him that kind of conversational trail to follow and he hadn’t taken it.

  Ellie cleared her throat, changed the subject. “About the case. Some of the things Liz said... I don’t know. Even though I don’t know what she’d gotten involved in, or found out about, she was certain she was in trouble. And she was worried you could be, too. Especially in the future. More than once she told me that if she didn’t figure out soon who was threatening her, they might come after you in the future.”

  She hadn’t remembered that detail until just now. It had been a long time since she’d let herself think about Liz or Seth or anything in her past.

  He face eased into a frown. But not like he was just angry. Like he was thinking.

  “What is it?” she asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

  “I got an unexpected package earlier today,” he began, leaning toward her. “It was from a lawyer’s office in Anchorage.”

  Her heart caught in her throat. “And?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “What was it?”

  He shook his head. “I don’t know. The mail came when I was in the middle of harnessing my team for this run, so I put it away and then left.”

  That was one of the areas where they’d always been different. Seth never pushed. Sometimes Ellie had been sure it was because he was trying to be kind, not intrude into someone’s private business against their will. And sometimes it drove her crazy.

  Right now it was the latter.

  “From a lawyer’s office.” She stood, the dogs who’d been lying on her looking at her with an offended spark in their eyes as she
woke them up. “Sorry,” she mumbled at them. “But we have to go. We have to get back to your house and that package.”

  Finally he caught up. “Because whoever was after me and tore up my sled bag probably wants that package. Or at the very least, came after me today because I got it.”

  “Yes, we have to go. We have to—”

  “Ellie.”

  Her head whipped around, her eyes locking with his. Hearing her name from his lips again, even the shortened version, was the strangest thrill and tugged at her heart. She swallowed hard. It was probably easier to walk away and forget someone if you hadn’t been in love with them... That wasn’t the case for her.

  It had all been her. Her fears. Her guilt. But even now, she didn’t think she was strong enough to see him every day, knowing that if only she’d been better at her job, his sister would still be alive.

  “If they followed me, chances are good they already searched my house. There’s no reason to rush over there when we may still be in danger. We need to stay here longer. I’m not risking my dogs.”

  Over her years in Alaska, she’d known enough dog mushers to not be surprised at his dedication. But that didn’t mean it didn’t mess up her plans. Risk was nothing new to her, and this one seemed worth it.

  Or it would if it was only her life.

  Now that she stopped to think, she wasn’t willing to risk Seth’s.

  Her heart almost ached at how difficult it was to be this close to him and not having things the way they used to be. She’d ruined her chance with him. But she needed to know he was alive, safe. Happy.

  Somewhat happy, anyway. Try as she might to be gracious and reasonable, the idea of him settling down with another women who wasn’t her, having babies with someone who wasn’t her...

  Ellie still wished it could have been her But she knew nothing would change the past.

  They needed to be careful, focus on this case, and she had to not let her anxiety get the best of her and force her into rash decisions. Seth was right to suggest that they wait.

  She paced back and forth, helpless frustration coursing through her veins. Her mind was willing to admit that he was right about the package being gone already. But he might not be, and it was still easy to let her emotions get the best of her. Instead she drew a few breaths, tried to let them out slowly and force herself to calm down.