The Alien Invasion Survival Handbook: A Defense Manual for the Coming Extraterrestrial Apocalypse
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ON THE ROAD
Some of the most famous abductions have occurred while people have been traveling by automobile — Betty and Barney Hill, Travis Walton, Herbert Schirmer, to name but a few. As many of us find ourselves sitting behind the wheel for many hours each week, it is important to consider some of the implications relating to our defense from alien stalkers while on the roads.
HOW TO AVOID ABDUCTION WHILE DRIVING
1. DRIVE IN CONVOY. Driving in isolated locations increases the risk of abduction. You can reduce the danger by always driving in a convoy of at least two or three other cars. Make sure that all members of your party are thoroughly trained and kitted out for your trip. You don't want to have to engage in unplanned rescue attempts of untrained people, thereby endangering yourself and the rest of your party.
2. TURN OF YOUR CELL PHONE. Don't assist aliens by broadcasting your position via a cell phone. Turn it off while in transit.
3. AVOID TRAVEL AT NIGHT. It has been statistically proven that the majority of alien attacks occur after nightfall. Reduce your chances of a surprise abduction attempt by only traveling during daylight. If you must travel after dark, make sure you travel in convoy.
THE ALIEN INVASION SURVIVAL HANDBOOK
4. TAKE EVASIVE ACTION. If an alien spacecraft is sighted, head immediately toward an area of higher population density. Remember, the chances of being abducted reduce when you surround yourself with more people. If in an isolated area, drive to a roadhouse or farmhouse. Hide under bridges or in tunnels for immediate shelter. It is impossible to outrun an alien spacecraft, and it is dangerous to try.
5. UPGRADE YOUR CAR AUDIO SYSTEM. Install the best car audio system your money can buy. Make sure that it is encased with a Faraday cage to protect it from electromagnetic radiation surges. Remember, volume is of critical importance when creating an Audio Phonic shield.
6. EQUIP YOUR RIDE WITH THE AR TOP TEN. The importance of the counter-abduction AR Top Ten cannot be overstated. It is imperative that you have a personal copy on hand at all times, both in your CD player and in an MP3 player, and that you also have the songs committed to memory as a backup strategy in case your sound system goes down.
7. PAY ATTENTION TO SPONTANEOUS MECHANICAL PROBLEMS. If your car unexpectedly stalls and your lights go out while driving through a remote area at night, you know that you're in for trouble. Lock and load, and prepare for an imminent abduction attempt. Don't panic. You know what to expect, and you're ready for it. You are now in automatic mode. If your car's audio system fails, get out of your car and head for the nearest shelter. Leave your headlights switched to the on position so that when the danger has passed, they will come back on, alerting you that it's now safe to return to your vehicle.
IN THE WILD: PROTECTING YOURSELF WITH THE USE OF TRAPS
Aliens are some of the most difficult creatures to successfully defend against in the wilderness. With limited resources at your disposal, you are completely reliant on your own personal adaptability and ingenuity to protect yourself and your loved ones from their malevolent intentions. Although they have the technological advantage, it is possible for people using primitive tools and materials to trap, capture, or kill unsuspecting hostile aliens. Alien traps have been used with great effect under the most challenging of circumstances and can provide a formidable defensive barrier between you and your adversaries. Traps may also have the effect of demoralizing your foe to the extent that they may decide you are not worth the trouble and go and find easier prey.
Before looking at a variety of alien traps, it is important that we examine some general rules.
BEST PRACTICES FOR ALIEN TRAPS
1. THE TRAP YOU CHOOSE MUST BE A PERFECT MATCH. A trap must suit the location in which it is constructed. Pay attention to detail. Ensure that the materials from which the trap is constructed are from the immediate vicinity so that it will blend in to the local environment.
2. KEEP YOUR TRAP SITE PRISTINE. Make sure the trap site is altered as little as possible. Nothing must be out of place. Dead grass, withered branches, and freshly dug or trampled soil all indicate something is amuck. Leave nothing to indicate recent activity. Construct your trap devices away from the area in which you intend to set them. This will minimize the visual disturbance to the trap area.
3. ALWAYS CAMOUFLAGE. As traps usually utilize wire, rope, or a trip stick as part of their trigger mechanisms, these must be carefully concealed to prevent detection. Use leaves, grass, soil, mud, or water to cover these telltale signs of human activity.
4. BE MINDFUL OF YOUR TRIGGER. The trigger device must be simple, weather-resistant, easily hidden, and made from local materials. Of the diverse range of trigger devices that can be used, the “figure four” trigger (illustrated at right) is probably the simplest and one of the most reliable.
TYPES OF ALIEN TRAPS
Alien trapping involves the construction of a mechanisms that, when triggered, will either kill or maim your prey. They must be simply designed, easy to construct, and foolproof. There are two basic forms of traps:
BOOBY TRAPS: Booby traps utilize a range of technologies that require expert training and handling, including explosives and chemical and incendiary devices. Although these devices are all part of the modern tools of war and are very efficient, they are not for the novice alien fighter.
PRIMITIVE TRAPS: Primitive traps are constructed from resources readily available in any wilderness location from tools that you may have at hand in a survival situation, including a knife, ax, shovel, wire, or rope.
For the purposes of this book, we shall assume that you do not have complex military items at your disposal and must rely solely on available resources. Primitive traps come in a variety of forms. The type of trap you choose will depend on a number of factors, including the nature of the terrain you find yourself in, the time and resources you have available, the manpower you have at your disposal, and the desired outcome. Choosing the correct trap for the situation you find yourself in will, to a large degree, determine how effective it will be. In this section, we will look at a number of classic primitive alien traps that have been successfully used in real-life situations.
A note of caution: All the traps described in this book do work and are extremely dangerous. The construction of traps should be attempted only under the direst of circumstances and never in populated areas.
Classic Pit Trap
Preparation time: 6–8 hours
Level of difficulty: medium
Location: woodland or forest
A pit trap is a large hole dug into the ground and concealed in such a way that an unsuspecting alien will fall in and impale itself on a series of sharpened stakes at the bottom. Together with traditional snare traps (a simple trap constructed from a coil of rope or wire concealed along a path that, when triggered, hoists the unsuspecting victim by the ankle skyward, to be left dangling upside down from a tree limb), the pit trap is often the first that people think of when traps come to mind. Building an effective pit trap takes a considerable amount of time and effort. It is not the type of trap that can be set in haste and, as such, is generally more suited to defending well-established positions where you have dug in for the long haul. It should not be attempted by those in a hurry or those with insufficient manpower. Here are the steps for effective pit-trap construction:
1. POSITION: As with all alien traps, positioning is of critical importance. Optimally, traps should be constructed along seldom-used trails or paths. A detour around an obstacle such as a fallen tree or a large puddle on the main path is an ideal location. These obstacles will funnel your prey to where you want them. The immediate presence of thick, trampled undergrowth is a distinct advantage when it comes to camouflage.
2. CHECK BEFORE YOU DIG: You can save yourself a lot of time and effort by ensuring that the soil type is satisfactory before you start. Reject water-logged or sandy locations, as these will require substantial reinforcing to the internal walls to prevent collapse. Make s
ure there are not too many large rocks or roots that will impede your progress.
3. PIT CONSTRUCTION: The pit should be about nine feet deep. Remove all soil at least 50 yards from the pit site, being careful to avoid trampling surrounding vegetation. It is vitally important that you do not leave any evidence of freshly dug soil around the site. Plastic or canvas sheets may be used to protect the immediate vicinity from undue soiling during construction. If necessary, brace the sides of the pit with local timbers.
FIGURE 2.6 A: Typical pit trap construction.
4. STAKE YOUR CLAIM: Although your interstellar adversary may be injured by merely falling into your pit, other measures must be taken to effectively detain it. Cut fifty or sixty spikes (2–3 feet in length) from local timbers, trimming one end to a sharp point. Embed the spikes vertically into the bottom of the pit, pointy side up. Ouch! That's got to hurt.
FIGURE 2.6 B: Proper spike carving technique.
5. CONCEALMENT: The entrance to the pit must be covered in such a way that it will remain securely in place until your enemy steps on it. It must then readily give way, allowing your victim to fall onto the spikes. Construct a light timber frame to cover the top of the pit. Cover this frame with vegetation or soil from the immediate area. When complete, it should be indistinguishable from its surroundings. Use light internal bracing, if necessary, to support the roof of the trap.
FIGURE 2.6 C: Concealment is the key to pit trap success.
FIGURE 2.6 D: Victory is yours.
Peruvian Rockfall Trap
Preparation time: 3–4 hours
Level of difficulty: medium
Location: mountainous terrain with abundant rocks
If you find yourself in a mountainous environment when being pursued by aliens, the Peruvian rockfall trap has the advantage of being both relatively easy to construct and conceal. This trap unleashes a cascade of boulders on your hapless prey, sweeping them into oblivion.
The three basic requirements for this trap are a ready supply of large rocks, a slope of sufficient gradient for them to roll down, and at least 100 yards of heavy-grade wire for the trip mechanism. Here's how to build the trap:
1. POSITION: Select a steep, exposed slope (the gradient must be greater than 30°), free of any natural features, such as trees or large rocks that the hapless aliens could shelter behind.
2. PLATFORM CONSTRUCTION: Select a position at least 100 yards uphill from the target zone, and build a sturdy log platform propped up by suitable supports. Ensure that these vertical supports are carefully balanced on a rounded log, so as to easily pull free when triggered from below. Collect boulders (at least fifty pounds each) and roll or drag them on top of the platform. If possible, get help with heavy rocks, and always keep your back straight when lifting. Multiple traps can be made along a slope to increase the chances of a successful hit.
3. TRIGGER DEVICE: Balance a boulder on the outside of the path directly below the platform in the target zone. Inconspicuously run a wire from the platform supports to the path and tie it to the boulder, providing enough slack to allow the boulder to gather sufficient speed before snapping the wire tight. Dig a shallow hole on the path adjacent to the boulder. Insert a sturdy stick or two under the boulder, supported on a fulcrum (e.g., a small rock) and projecting out into the hole, level with the path to act as a lever when stepped on.
FIGURE 2.7 A: Platform construction
FIGURE 2.7 B: Trigger device
4. CONCEALMENT: Camouflage the top of the hole with local materials. When an alien steps on the trigger sticks, the boulder will be levered off the edge of the slope, causing it to pull out the supports of the platform and unleash a tsunami of boulders down upon the alien.
NOTE: It is possible to construct a series of platforms holding thousands of pounds of rocks. Once triggered, one rockslide would trigger another, creating a potential rockfall zone of hundreds of yards. This would alleviate any possibility of an alien escaping the target zone prior to the rocks reaching it.
Vlad the Impaler Trap
Preparation time: 1–2 hours
Level of difficulty: medium
Location: woodland or forest
This trap derives it name from the fifteenth-century Romanian prince who systematically impaled his captives on stakes. It involves suspending a sharpened stake or log in the treetops that, when triggered, swings down and impales its unsuspecting alien victim. Setting the trap often requires a lot of fine-tuning to achieve perfect balance and delivery of the log. When selecting a location, look for a light to medium understory and sufficient foliage in the canopy to conceal the suspended stake. Here are the steps for proper trap construction:
1. CHOOSE A STAKE: Select a straight, sturdy ten-foot (6–12 inches in diameter) branch. Sharpen both ends to a point. Remove any offshoots or leaves that may snag on surrounding foliage.
FIGURE 2.8 A: Choose a lengthy branch for your stake.
2. POSITION: Choose a narrow path with little room to maneuver on either side. Suspend the stake from a limb (12–15 feet above the ground) of a sturdy tree. When hanging, the stake should be resting at waist height. Pull the stake up to an angle just short of 90°.
FIGURE 2.8 B: Correct stake position.
3. TRIGGER DEVICE: Use local materials to camouflage the trip stick, rope, and stake. Once set, avoid walking within the drop zone.
FIGURE 2.8 C: Employ an approprate trigger device.
The Porcupine Trap
Preparation time: 1–2 hours
Level of difficulty: easy
Location: woodland or forest
The porcupine trap is similar to Vlad the Impaler in that it utilizes a log hoisted into the treetops, but it varies in that the log drops vertically onto the unsuspecting alien rather than swinging down.
This trap is particularly suited to woodland and forest environments with sufficient canopy cover to conceal the spiked log. Ensure a section of path is selected with dense understory on either side, so as to reduce the chances of your prey diving to one side when the trap is triggered. Here are the trap instructions:
1. LOG SELECTION: Choose the heaviest log that: (1) you are capable of lifting without personal injury, and (2) is capable of being supported by the ropes you have available. Embed 10-inch spikes at 12-inch intervals across the surface of the log.
FIGURE 2.9 A: Select a heavy, yet manageable log.
2. POSITION: Hoist the log into the canopy, being careful to avoid entangling the spikes in the surrounding foliage. Thin guy wires may be used to reduce movement from the wind or rope twists. These should easily pull free as the log drops. The log should run parallel to the trail beneath. Avoid walking under the log when in position.
FIGURE 2.9 B & C: Correct porcupine trap positioning.
3. CAMOUFLAGE: Camouflage your trap and its trigger using local materials. Ensure these materials will not snag or catch on the log as it drops, or create a noise that will warn your prey of their impending demise.
Traps are not deterrents built in haste. They take time, effort, and resources to construct.
They are most suited for siege situations or when you're on the run and want enough security to ensure a good night's sleep. They are, by their very nature, defensive.
However, there comes a time when defense is just not enough. You may reach a point where all the precautions you have taken are insufficient to get you out of a sticky situation, and you'll need to employ other tactics.
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ESCAPE
He that fights and runs away, may turn and fight another day; but he that is in battle slain, will never rise to fight again.
—Tacitus
CHAPTER SUMMARY
No matter how thorough your anti-abduction training is, there may come a time when, in an unguarded moment, you succumb to the malicious intentions of our alien foes. If you are captured, like countless others around the globe, do not despair. Escape is possible.
If all the preventive measures outlined in this book have been
strictly followed, you can be 97 percent sure you are safe from alien abduction. That only leaves 3 percent to worry about.
What if things don't go according to plan? In the confusion of your first close encounter, you forget the lyrics to “Voodoo Child.” The battery in your iPod goes flat. You are abducted while asleep, or you are unexpectedly overpowered by a seething mass of our interstellar adversaries. Any one of a hundred unforeseen events can thwart even the most thorough counter-abduction training. Must you abandon hope? Definitely not. Escape is not only possible, it has been achieved by a surprisingly large number of ordinary people under a wide range of extraordinary circumstances.
Escape, however, is a venture that should never be taken lightly. Fleeing from your alien abductors is a serious undertaking fraught with a unique set of challenges and unforeseen dangers. Yet, when weighed against the perils of remaining captive, escape, no matter how dangerous, is the only real alternative left to those who do not wish to subject themselves to the indignities of a lifetime of harassment and experimentation.
In addition to physical stamina, a successful escape will require courage and cunning, but also a considerable amount of good luck. Yet, the key ingredient in any escape situation is always the mental attitude of the person involved. Being proficient in the necessary skills is important, but having the will to survive is essential.