Sex

by Francine Pascal

  Ed now felt thoroughly sick to his stomach. It was hard enough asking himself this question ten thousand times a minute. It was even worse asking Gaia. But saying the answer out loud… having to hear the answer echo through this very large apartment and settle into Natasha’s ears…. That was just sheer unadulterated agony-Ed’s stock-in-trade for the last twenty-four hours. But there was, of course, only one answer.

  “I don’t know,” he said with a simple shrug and a desperate smile. “I really don’t know.”

  The room seemed unbelievably silent for a moment. A long painful moment. And then…

  “Well, if you don’t know,” Natasha said, “then it is clear to me that Gaia has made a very large mistake, Ed.”

  Amen again, Natasha. Amen and hallelujah.

  GEN HADN’T BEEN KIDDING WHEN she’d said they would eat like queens. How could one eat like a queen in New York City for free? It could only be done after midnight, but it could be done. At least, when one was with Gen, it could. Apparently one of the great advantages of living in this rich folks’ ghost town was that all the restaurants closed so early. This meant that all the overnight restaurant trash was available for much longer periods. Yes, trash. They ate trash. Of course, garbage wasn’t Gaia’s idea of a gourmet dinner, but Gen had introduced her to a whole new world. The world of gourmet garbage. Upper East Side garbage was better than most of the regular food on Eighth Street. Gen had taken Gaia on a tour of the absolute finest after-hours garbage the Upper East Side had to offer.

  * * *

  Savior

  * * *

  Their first course had come fresh out of the trash behind the kitchen of Kan-Pai, a sushi restaurant on Seventy-seventh and Third, where they’d thrown out whole buckets of perfectly good edamame, hijiki, and white rice. Then Gaia had followed Gen through a veritable obstacle course of ripped-open fences, fire escape ladders, and loose basement doors, until they’d arrived behind the kitchen of Bella Donna, one of the finer Italian establishments in the city. Gen showed Gaia the window that no one ever seemed to lock. It led straight into the kitchen. And even though Gaia wasn’t a particular fan of breaking and entering, if the crime was simply taking some delicious homemade bread and dipping it in a scrumptious cold puttanesca sauce… then let her be guilty.

  For dessert, Gen introduced Gaia to the Dumpster behind the Gardenia restaurant, where entire pies were discarded still in their boxes and most important… boxes of doughnuts. Gaia had chowed down on three just barely stale chocolate glazed doughnuts and then washed them down at six in the morning with free coffee provided by a vendor on Lexington Avenue whom Gen had obviously flirted into complete submission . All in all, though it had taken hours to complete the mission, it was the best meal Gaia had eaten in weeks, especially when combined with the thrill of the hunt.

  Not to mention the good company. Not only was Gen funny and completely insane, but her similarities to Mary had made her more endearing to Gaia by the minute. Even the streak of red hair reminded her of Mary, though it was the fakest red Gaia had ever seen.

  Gen and Mary shared a certain “screw them all” quality that seemed to bring Gaia to life. And considering how little of a life she had left, that was a much needed boost. It was something about their attitude. Gen had the same ability as Mary to get Gaia to do things she simply never would have done in a million years—namely, to have fun, to actually have fun. In fact, even Mary probably wouldn’t have been able to get Gaia to eat doughnuts from a Dumpster. Even if they were in a box in the Dumpster. Even if they were chocolate glazed.

  The only problem was the other very unfortunate similarity between them. All you had to do was change a few names. Heroin instead of cocaine. Casper instead of Skizz.

  Skizz. Even thinking the name of Mary’s dealer and murderer sent a flow of vengeful bile up Gaia’s throat. She would have killed him if she’d had the chance. Unfortunately someone else had gotten to him first.

  Gaia had worked hard to let go of all her poisonous anger toward Skizz. It had been eating up her insides for a very long time. And she’d been pretty sure she’d finally overcome it. she’d been pretty sure she’d moved on. But the minute she and Gen had started talking about Casper, all kinds of feelings had started to pop up again. Nagging memories of Skizz’s ugly face—all the bitterness and rage she’d thought she’d flushed away.

  “So Casper’s your dealer?” Gaia asked, thinking about the first time she’d talked to Mary about Skizz.

  They were walking back in the direction of the Seventy-second Street apartment, holding tight to their free coffees. The morning sun was blinding, especially after having stayed up all night foraging in the dark like a couple of urban not-so-chic raccoons.

  Gen blew a puff of smoke into the air. “Sometimes he’s my dealer, sometimes he’s my boyfriend,” she said looking straight ahead. “It depends on how much money I have and how desperate I am for a fix.”

  Gaia cringed internally. Drug addiction made people do such disgusting things. She had no understanding of it whatsoever. Especially considering all that peripheral badness that came with it: dealers, overdoses, violence. What could possibly be the allure of that life? She’d asked that question a thousand times about Mary, and now she’d already found herself asking it about Gen when she barely even knew her. That was a bad sign. Caring too much already. Gaia couldn’t forget about clause number three in her letter of resignation. Don’t get too close to anyone.

  “So was he your boyfriend last night when he was beating the shit out of you?” Gaia asked. Maybe not the friendliest way to phrase it, but she couldn’t help herself. The whole “victim” aspect of addicts was so infuriating to her. Addicts were always making themselves somebody’s victim, if not their own.

  “Whatever,” Gen scoffed “He gets violent sometimes. He thinks he’s a real badass, but I can handle him.”

  “Like you handled him last night?” Gaia couldn’t help saying.

  “Okay, whatever.” Gen groaned. “I already thanked you, didn’t I? Don’t worry about Casper. He’s harmless.”

  “Harmless, huh?”

  They walked a block in silence as Gaia tried her best to hold her tongue from the next thing she wanted to say. But she was simply no good at holding her tongue. She wanted Gen to hear it. “You know, you kind of remind me of someone. She used to be my best friend, actually. She was addicted to coke…. She’s dead now.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that,” Gen said. “I know a lot of people who’ve OD’d on coke.”

  “She didn’t OD” Gaia said. “She was killed by her dealer. You know… her harmless dealer.” Okay. She’d said it. She’d made her point. Gen was silent for the next block. And Gaia didn’t want to say any more. Her need to “save” Gen from the same fate as Mary Moss had just kind of snuck up on her, and the last thing she wanted to do was start a punishing just-say-no lecture. There was nothing worse than a condescending savior. She knew she’d probably taken it a little too far, and she braced herself for Gen to get pissed off.

  “Well…” Gen sighed after a block and a half. “I guess you’re just going to have to stick by me at all times, then.” She turned to Gaia and smiled. “You can flip his Sugar Ray ass the next time he tries something.”

  Gaia tried not to smile too openly at the suggestion, but the truth was, Gen had just made her day. Protecting Gen from Casper. Maybe even helping her off the drugs—something, much to her shame, she’d been unable to do for Mary. This could be exactly what her new emptied-out life needed. She knew she wasn’t supposed to get too close to anyone, but this wouldn’t just be about being friends. This could also be some much needed karmic payback for letting Mary down. Besides, finding people to save uptown had been a real bitch, and Gaia had just been offered a permanent savior assignment. How could she turn that down? “It would be my pleasure,” she said, hoping it hadn’t come out sounding too corny.

  Gen ruffled Gaia’s hair as though she were four years old, and that seemed to signal that t
he uncomfortable conversation was over. For some reason, coming from Gen, this condescending gesture didn’t bother Gaia.

  They didn’t speak again until they’d arrived in front of Gaia’s house, if you could even call it that, which she didn’t particularly like to do. “This is it,” Gaia said, stopping under the awning and turning away from the annoying uniformed doorman.

  “This is where you live?” Gen uttered, peering through the glass doors into the embarrassingly ornate lobby.

  “I don’t really live here,” Gaia assured her, looking at the entire building with disdain. “It’s just where I’m staying.”

  “Well, who are you staying with?” Gen asked.

  “I don’t even know them.”

  “Huh… And your dad’s not here?”

  “No,” Gaia said. “I already told you, I have no idea where he is. What is your obsession with my dad? Oh, crap”

  Gen spun back to Gaia. “What’s wrong?”

  “Crop!” Gaia whispered to herself again.

  “What? What’s your problem?”

  Her problem was walking up the block. Two problems, actually, with coffees in their hands. And it was too late to make a quick escape. They’d already seen her. Ed was already calling out her name. And Tatiana was already giving her the evil eye.

  SEEING ED’S FACE HAD BASICALLY braided Gaia’s guts together. She just hadn’t been prepared for it. Don’t even look at him, she told herself.

  * * *

  Electrical Surge

  * * *

  The problem with looking at him was that it made her want to lean her head between his neck and shoulder and stay there for an indefinite period of time. She wanted to grab his hand, hail a cab, and go back to his bed for the next three days. Because that’s really where they should be right now. They should be in bed. Not standing out in the relative cold, staring at each other like strangers.

  Looking at Ed now felt exactly the same as looking at old pictures of her family from before her mother had died. It was like she could see her happy home just inches from her fingertips. Right in front of her was joy and safety and a future, and Gaia couldn’t touch it. She couldn’t go near it or get inside it. So she couldn’t bear to look at it. She just wanted to slam the book of photos closed before her resolve started to crumble—before she started to crumble into pieces right there in front of Gen and Tatiana and her uniformed doorman. Because she knew Ed all too well. And if he saw a chink in her armor, if he saw through to the truth of what she was feeling, then he’d never let it go. He’d find some way to chisel away at the cracks until the truth came out, not even understanding that he’d only be screwing himself in the process.

  So, cold was the order of the day. Cold as ice. Colder than she’d even been to him the last time. Cold enough and hard enough to make sure he didn’t come back for more. As cold as the stare Tatiana was giving her and Gen.

  “Where were you all night?” Ed demanded as he and Tatiana faced down Gaia and Gen under the awning of the building. “I came here to talk to you this morning. I don’t even know how long I’ve been waiting.” Ed turned to Tatiana. “How long?”

  “At least an hour,” Tatiana replied.

  “At least an hour,” Ed repeated to Gaia. “Sitting in your house, waiting for you. We finally went out for coffees.”

  Gaia rolled her eyes to Tatiana with pure disgust. She was sure Tatiana must have just hated being forced into morning coffee with Ed. She might as well have had the phrase “I have a crush on Ed” embroidered on all her perfect little Calvin Klein outfits. She was probably hoping Gaia would disappear every morning. Then she and Ed could have coffee together on a regular basis.

  “Don’t look at me,” Tatiana complained, bouncing Gaia’s disgust right back at her. “You are the one who disappears. You think I like watching my mother walk around our house with worrying?”

  “Whatever,” Gaia muttered.

  “Whatever,” Tatiana hissed in reply. Her English might be slow going, but she was a quick mimic when it came to insults.

  “So where were you?” Ed repeated. “Tatiana said you never even came home last night.”

  “Not to worry,” Gen said, stepping into the conversation. “She was with me.”

  Ed turned his demanding eyes from Gaia’s face and stared at Gen with utter bewilderment. “Who the hell are you?”

  “Nice” Gen responded, turning to Gaia. “Real nice. Who is this guy, your boyfriend?”

  “No,” Gaia breathed to the ground, avoiding Ed’s eyes.

  “Well, then, who?” Gen asked, giving Ed a look of utter indifference.

  “Yes, who am I, Gaia?” Ed asked, trying once again to catch her eyes. “I think that’s a damn good question. Maybe you’d like to talk to me about that?”

  Must get out of here. Must get out of here now. Never mind being cold to him, just run. Run your ass off. “I got to get upstairs—”

  “Don’t” Ed snapped, holding Gaia’s arm. “Don’t do that. Talk to me.”

  Gaia shook her arm from his grip, though in truth, even his angry touch had sparked reminders of their night together. She couldn’t believe it Even now. Even in the pre-school hours of the morning, with no sleep to speak of, arguing on the street, she could still feel that electrical surge when Ed touched her. God. If that electricity could cut through all her enforced avoidance and bitterness, Gaia couldn’t imagine what she’d be feeling if they were in bed together right now like they should have been.

  Correction. You won’t imagine what that would feel like. You will get your ass upstairs now.

  Gaia turned to Gen. “I’m going.”

  “Do you want some company?” Gen asked.

  “No, I’m just going to get some sleep.”

  “You’re sure? I can totally hang out. I’d hate to leave you with these two.”

  “I’m sorry, who are you again?” Ed spat, staring at Gen with a combination of suspicion and disdain.

  “That’s funny,” Gen shot back, “’Cause I still don’t know who you are, either. I know you’re not her boyfriend.”

  Ed turned back to Gaia. “Who is this girl?”

  “She’s a friend of mine” Gaia replied, “and that’s it for the question-and-answer period. Good-bye.”

  “I know,” Gen announced to Ed. “Why don’t you go out with Ms. Stick-Up-Her-Ass Two Thousand and One over here? Then you can have little blond rich bitch babies in Prada diapers.”

  Tatiana eyed Gen with repulsion, muttering something back in Russian. Gaia didn’t quite catch it. It was something about being “low class.”

  “What did she just say?” Gen yelled, leaning in toward Tatiana. “Why don’t you try that in English, bitch?”

  “Your friend, huh?” Ed said. “She’s charming.”

  “Okay, whatever,” Gen huffed, throwing up her hands and backing away. “Gaia, if these are your friends, I think I’m starting to get why your life sucks so bad.”

  “She’s not my friend,” Gaia explained, pointing at Tatiana.

  “Well, that’s a relief,” Gen called back. “Tell you what, when you’re done chilling with Princess Prissy Bitch and Joe Crutches, give me a page, okay? I’m outta here.” She turned to Tatiana as she backed away. “Farewell, Princess Prissy Bitch! If you’d like some help learning English, why don’t you give me a page, too?” Finally Gen disappeared behind the corner.

  “Where the hell did you find her?” Ed asked.

  “What? She’s right,” Gaia replied. “Tatiana should speak English around us.” She gave Tatiana one last dirty look. “It might keep her honest.”

  “Gaia—” Ed began.

  “In fact, why don’t you try to teach her, Ed?” she interrupted, turning away as quickly as possible. “You two seem to be getting along so well.”

  Gaia pushed through the door and prayed that Ed wouldn’t follow her. Given the current amount of electricity between them, she simply couldn’t take it anymore. And his new buddy status with Tatiana wasn’t hel
ping. She just needed to get upstairs and go to sleep for at least a few hours. And maybe when she woke up… through some kind of miracle… he’d hate her. Oh, how she wished for that right now.

  THIS WAS NOT AT ALL THE CONfrontation Ed had in mind. It was supposed to be just Gaia and him in a quiet room, sharing some much needed honesty. Not Gaia, Ed, Tatiana, and Gaia’s horrible new friend filling the space with ridiculously adolescent insults. Whoever that girl was, Ed didn’t trust her in the least. He’d taken a severe and instant dislike to her and hoped he’d never be subjected to her again.

  * * *

  Fiery Blip

  * * *

  He watched through the glass doors of the building as Gaia disappeared into the elevator. But that couldn’t be it. That pittance of a conversation wasn’t what Ed had traveled miles and waited hours for. Gaia’s averted glances and minor insults had left him feeling emptier and less resolved than their last encounter. So she’d really left him with no other choice. He swallowed a very deep breath, bowed his head, and went in after her. Christ, he was a glutton for punishment.

  “What are you doing?” Tatiana asked as she followed him into the long marble hallway.

  “What does it look like I’m doing?” he replied, tapping repeatedly on the elevator button.

  “Ed,” Tatiana said slowly. “I… do not think she wants you to follow her.”

  “I think you’re right,” Ed answered, putting an end to that argument quickly. Tatiana was kind enough to bite her tongue for the rest of the elevator ride up, though Ed could tell his choice had somehow upset her. But that wasn’t his problem to deal with right now.