Four Letter Word

by J. Daniels

  Tori’s hand found my ankle through the Christmas quilt covering me and gave it a squeeze.

  “Just wanted you to know,” she began in a gentle voice, hand still wrapped around my ankle. “I’m seriously debating driving to Raleigh and setting your old house on fire with Marcus trapped inside, so speak now if you got any attachment to that house or the things in it because once I light the match, I’m following through.”

  Tori was reacting to the vegetative state I’d adopted since Thursday night, fetal position on a comfy surface, which I switched up every few hours, going between the couch and my bed, thinking it was stemming from the phone call with Marcus and thinking that because it was the only thing I informed her of when she crawled beside me in bed Friday morning and we had our talk. She still had no idea about Brian, our history, or our ending, so the blame for my depression was fully and solely on Marcus and now she was getting creative in her act of retaliation against him.

  Yesterday morning she wanted to chew him out on the phone. Last night she thought about sending a hateful letter.

  Today she wanted to burn him alive.

  Knowing Tori, it would only escalate from there, though I wasn’t sure how you could go bigger than killing someone and doing it painfully, but I was sure she’d come up with something.

  My lashes brushed the fibers of the quilt as I stayed blanketed and curled up on my side.

  “I don’t think there’s anything in that house I’d miss,” I replied honestly.

  Hell, I’d even light the match myself.

  “Just wait until next weekend before you kill him,” I requested. “I’d like him to see my signature on those separation papers first and they won’t go out until Monday.”

  I got the envelope in the mail today. Marcus overnighted the papers like he said he would and I signed them without hesitation.

  We were now officially separated.

  If I had it in me, I’d do a little dance in celebration of that fact.

  I did not have it in me.

  “I can do that,” Tori obliged. “I’m thinking we need to drag out his death. Make it last as long as possible. I’d hate for Marcus to suffocate on the smoke before the flames hit him so that’ll require me going in there and putting some sort of a cover on his face, a mask or something, like the military use. I bet my dad could get his hands on one for me.”

  “He’s the best.”

  “Right? I just love him.” Her hand gave me another squeeze.

  I closed my eyes and breathed deep.

  “I am seriously pissed off, hon. Nobody does this to my best girl,” Tori added, the couch dipping more as she leaned closer, putting pressure on my feet. “You were upset when you first got here, understandably so, but you were getting better. You know? You got better. Being away from Marcus and all his negativity, you were my silly, fun-loving Syd again, laughing and playing and smiling all the time. Finding your happiness and living your life. Now that dipshit has taken my girl away from me again, and I’m so mad I am actually planning out my last meal in prison ’cause I know I’m gonna get the death penalty after I take him out, but doesn’t matter. I’m doing it. He deserves to pay and pay good. I mean, really, Syd, look at you. I haven’t seen your head since Thursday night. You’re constantly being swallowed up by a blanket.”

  “I’m fine.”

  Lie. I was the farthest from fine I’d ever been. I knew it and so did Tori.

  “You’ll be fine,” she argued. “I know you will. Being here, away from him, just like before, you’ll be fine. It just might take a little longer but you’ll get there.”

  Tori thought she had it all figured out, that I’d found my happiness on my own, and since I did it already, I could do it again, but that was just it.

  I hadn’t found my happiness on my own.

  I had Tori, and yeah, being with her every day helped, my new job and the friends I’d met here, Shay and Kali, but I’d had someone else, too.

  And since Tori hated Marcus now to the point of death plotting and most likely wouldn’t have an issue with me feeling things for someone else, it was time I crawled out from behind my secret and shared it with her.

  I was numb enough. If she ended up hating me for a few days, I might not even feel it.

  I sat up and let the blanket slip down over my shoulder, gathering the cocoon I’d inhabited around my waist as I twisted on the couch and sat knee bent, foot resting beneath my thigh, and body angled to face her.

  She looked super pretty in a soft yellow strapless sundress and a red lip, her hair twisting loose in beach-water waves.

  I was wearing leggings and a UNC hoodie, hadn’t brushed my hair since yesterday, and my eyes were swollen from tears shed.

  Sweet blues roamed my face, shining upbeat.

  “There you are,” Tori said, smiling lightly. “Forgot you had all that red under there.”

  I quickly finger-combed my hair.

  God, I needed a mirror.

  And a toothbrush.

  Tucking chunks of tangled red behind my ear and swiping my tongue over my teeth, I prepared myself for confession, taking a few deep breaths and reaching for Tori’s hand.

  “I need to tell you something,” I began, watching her scoot closer and feeling her hand tighten around mine.

  I held on tighter, wet my lips, and got on with it.

  “I’ve felt different over the past month. Happier. You saw it. I was just…better in a lot of ways I think, and I know a lot of that had to do with being here with you and meeting everyone at work, but there was something else helping me, getting me there a lot quicker than I was expecting and making me feel things I haven’t felt in a really long time. Maybe ever.”

  “Oh, God,” Tori whispered, suddenly looking concerned. “Are you hooked on something?”

  “What?”

  She pulled my hand into her lap, jerking me forward.

  “I watched this Lifetime movie a couple months ago about a woman who was down on her luck, recently divorced due to the loss of a child; and it being too much for her and her husband to handle together, they split up. Then one night, she went out to this club and got hooked on smack.”

  I pulled my hand back, taking hers with me and keeping them between us.

  “I am not hooked on smack,” I hissed. “I don’t even know what that is. What is it?”

  “I think it’s a combination of crack and crank. Or it could be heroin.” She moved to get off the couch. “I’m gonna Google it.”

  “Wait a minute.” I tugged her back down.

  My best friend was crazy.

  “I am not taking any drugs. That’s not what I’m trying to tell you.”

  Tori studied me, soundless for a second.

  “I’ve been talking to someone,” I finally admitted.

  “Like a therapist?” she asked, eyes lighting up. “That’s great!”

  I blinked heavily and sighed.

  “No, like a man,” I replied, watching her brows slowly knit together. “I’ve been talking to this guy and not in a billing your insurance type of way, okay? We’ve been…sort of dating, exclusively on the phone, I guess, just talking a lot but it’s done now. We’re not anymore. It all ended Thursday night.”

  Because he didn’t want to know me.

  I fought tears, slumped sideways, and fell into the couch, resting my heavy head on the cushion.

  “I miss him so much,” I whispered. “If Marcus hadn’t eaten my heart I’d swear it was breaking.”

  Tori’s mouth dropped open.

  “You’ve been dating someone?” she asked, shocked voice barely above a murmur. “Who is it? And when did you have time to meet him? All you do is work.”

  I wiped at my face with my sleeve.

  “You’re not mad at me?”

  “What? Why would I be mad at you? You were happy.”

  My lip twitched. I loved this girl. Seriously.

  Tori dropped her head on the cushion beside her shoulder, mimicking my position, then
continued on to say, “And I’m sure whatever reason you had for keeping this to yourself was a good one and not something I would be mad at you for. That being said, you owe me a month’s worth of details and you’re not allowed to skip over anything. That means I get to hear everything, juicy stuff and all, starting with who this guy is and how you met.”

  She had a point. I owed her a lot, and since I did the shitty thing by keeping this from her, the least I could do was share a few details.

  Even the private ones.

  “Remember that guy I accidentally dialed thinking he was Wes?”

  Her eyes widened.

  “Him?”

  I nodded.

  “He texted me the next day and it just…went from there. Quickly. Texting and talking, every day, sometimes multiple times, for hours.”

  “You gotta be kidding me,” she murmured.

  “It was fast but it was easy,” I continued. “Like, really easy. I could talk to him about anything. He knew about Marcus, I told him, and he was good about taking my mind off of it, making me laugh and stuff. And the things he would say to me, Tori, it was like he really cared about me, like he wanted me to be happy more than anything and it just got to me. You know? I started really caring for him, thinking about him all the time, what he looked like, where he was, if he was thinking the same way about me. I know I had feelings for him. A lot of feelings, especially after we started doing stuff on the phone together.”

  I gave her a look then, indicating my meaning, and it came across loud and clear, Tori’s mouth pinching together thinly and her cheeks flushing.

  “It was sudden and probably too fast, I know it was, which is why I kept it from you, but I really wanted to know him. Like…know him. Talk to him in person and do all the other stuff we were already doing but really do it. More than anything, I wanted that. More than I wanted to patch things over with Marcus.” I swallowed thickly, eyes lowering. “But Brian didn’t. Told me so Thursday night. Said he didn’t want to know me. That’s the last time we spoke.”

  “He actually said that to you? That he didn’t want to know you, he said those words?”

  “Yep.”

  “Did he have a reason?” she asked, tugging my hand a little and raising my eyes.

  When I caught hers, I replied, “Did he need one?”

  She frowned.

  He didn’t. Tori knew it and so did I.

  Having a reason wouldn’t change anything. It could be the noblest reason on earth and it wouldn’t lessen the pain I was feeling or make any of this better. Besides, whatever it was, if Brian had something driving his decision to keep me out, it still had everything to do with me.

  He didn’t want to know me.

  Tears filled my eyes as I mumbled, “I really really liked him, Tori.”

  “Oh, hon. I’m sorry.” She gave my hand a squeeze. “I really wish you would’ve told me. I never would’ve thought anything making you that happy would’ve been wrong or too fast. Not ever, okay?”

  I gave her a weak smile, sniffling.

  “That being said, you know how crazy this is, right? I mean, aside from the fact you’ve been engaging in phone sex with a man you’ve never met before, you totally asked him during that first conversation if he liked to get fucked hard and deep, not to mention requesting he take the dildo out of his mouth you figured he was sucking on, and he still wanted to talk to you again.” Her eyes bugged. “You must’ve really made an impression, Syd.”

  I had. In hindsight I believe Brian thought I was amusing, even though I was going for total badass bitch that night, one who shouldn’t be messed with.

  Tori thought I was badass, so I felt good about it.

  “I don’t think he’d been talked to like that before,” I offered. “I’m guessing it intrigued him.”

  “I don’t think a lot of men have been talked to like that before,” Tori countered. “Seriously. You were scary.” She twisted her body a little until her back was touching the cushion.

  Eyes directed at the bay window, she let out a heavy breath and kept hold of my hand, resting the pair of ours between us.

  “He made you my Syd again,” she murmured.

  I nodded, even though she wasn’t looking at me, curled my fingers around the back of her hand, and tightened my hold.

  “Since we’re sharing stuff, I guess I should share with you a decision I made yesterday that I kept to myself because you were so sad over Marcus, which”—Tori turned her head and looked at me—“I’m guessing now, your sadness might’ve had more to do with the other guy and not the man I’ve been plotting to kill?”

  “Probably,” I answered, blinking tears away.

  Definitely.

  My marriage was over, yet I was mourning the loss of Brian’s voice more than my united in holy matrimony relationship.

  He had the best voice. Hands down, best I’d ever heard.

  And he chose the most perfect words to manipulate with it.

  “Should’ve told me,” Tori stressed. “I could’ve been plotting two murders and saved myself the time. Now I have a dilemma on my hands because I kind of like the other guy, seeing as he gave me back the old you and, thus, has potential. Marcus never had any potential so his death is an easy choice.”

  I smiled faintly, watching her turn away.

  “What’s the decision?” I asked her.

  “Still deciding it,” she answered. “Sheesh, give me at least five minutes.”

  “Not that.” I tapped our conjoined hands against her thigh. “The one you decided yesterday.”

  “Oh.” She cleared her throat, twisting the fingers of her free hand in the hem of her dress.

  Uh-oh. Tori was anxious.

  This was big. It had to be. Tori never showed signs of nervousness. Not even in her pageant days.

  And my assumption was only confirmed when she played it down with the first thing out of her mouth.

  “Well, it’s really not a huge deal or anything. I was just doing a little thinking regarding my no more boys rule and thinking that was probably a hasty decision considering my state at the time and, um, you know, Wes isn’t all boys. He’s one horrible, worthless piece of shit, but does not sum up the entirety of the male race, even though there are several others who fall into that category, Marcus included. Also, that kid Jace I was talking to in seventh grade who dumped me at the Valentine’s Day dance. I’m sure he’s still a winner.”

  I pulled my lips between my teeth and let Tori continue on without any interruption, even though I was on the brink of giggles.

  “Anyway, my point is, I’ve gone about a month without any boys and I miss them, my girl parts really miss them, and it’s about time I did something about it.”

  “You’re gonna start dating again?” I asked, watching her head snap my way.

  “Dating? No. I’m just talking about getting laid.” Tori smiled a little, appearing excited. “And I’ve already picked out lucky bachelor number one.”

  “Who?”

  “Jamie McCade.”

  “What?” I peeled away from the couch. “Hello! You hate that guy, remember? He doesn’t respect love. I’ve been screwing up his order for weeks.”

  Not to mention getting Stitch to do god-awful things to his food, things I didn’t ask about because I was almost too afraid he’d take me out to eliminate any possible incriminating evidence linking him to whatever illness Jamie contracted after eating at Whitecaps.

  Now Tori wanted to fuck him?

  “I know, but he’s stupid gorgeous, Syd. The hair, the dimples, that look he had on his face slicing Wes’s tires that night and not giving a damn about going down for it.”

  I kept my mouth shut. Couldn’t really argue with any of that.

  Jamie had a really good look that night.

  Tori’s phone started ringing in the distance. It sounded like it was coming from the kitchen.

  “And besides,” she continued, standing from the couch and turning to face me. “I am using him for sex
. I will have the upper hand the entire time, and when it is over, I’ll never look at his stupidly gorgeous face again. One and done. That’s all I need.”

  She moved around the couch quickly, darting in the direction of the kitchen.

  One and done? With the ex-J.Crew model who yielded a switchblade like a greaser and defended Tori’s honor?

  Yeah. I wasn’t holding my breath.

  “I hope you know what you’re doing,” I shouted out, then collapsed back on the couch, slid down onto my hip with my knees pulling up and my arm bent, head resting on the inside of my bicep.

  I started pulling up the quilt, getting ready to return to my former cocooned position, when Tori’s animated shriek coming from behind yanked me upright again, head spinning around so I could watch her strut back into the living room with her phone in her hand and a brilliant smile on her face.

  “Looks like it’s gonna happen a lot sooner than I thought,” she stated, twirling and fanning out her dress.

  What in the world?

  “Huh?”

  Tori wiggled the hand holding her phone in front of her and stepped closer.

  “That was Shay. She got word on a massive party Jamie is having at his beach house, which I’ve heard is ridiculous. Not that I gave a damn about it before, but since I’m planning on bedding him and he’s giving me an opportunity to make that happen tonight, I give a damn about seeing it now. And you’re going.”

  I shook my head and pulled the quilt around me.

  “I’m really not in the mood for a party, Tori.”

  I wasn’t in the mood for anything besides this quilt and a comfy surface I could burrow into.

  She tilted her head and dropped her hand.

  “I need my wing woman, hon.”

  “No you don’t,” I argued. “Jamie will totally want to have sex with you the second you walk in his house. You won’t even have to speak.”

  She pressed her hands together in a praying position the best she could, given she still had hold of her phone, stuck her bottom lip out, and pleaded.

  “Please. You’re my best girl. I need you.”

  I wasn’t budging. Tori saw it.

  I drew the quilt over my head, making it so my face was the only thing showing, and blinked at her.