Internal Lies

by Megan Mason

  Straggling my hair through a brush, and beginning to paste on the content. I washed it out to find my hair now glimmered and stood out beyond the moonlight, a beautiful silver. I created a shadowed eyelid and mimicked the pattern onto my opposite eye. A sexy eyeliner flick. Luscious red lips and daring contour on my face with highlighter to perpetrate my cheekbones. Eyebrows darkened with liner and coloured to the tips, I had begun the transformation. I dressed in a black vest top and black leather leggings that clung to my skin. My PVC flat, knee-high boots zipped at the side and my black leather jacket would hide me well in the darkness of the night. Time to dance I thought.

  Danny stalked me to my knowledge as I paced towards Waterloo where he lived. Beckoning me, he pleaded I slow and calm down. Of course, I ignored him. This girl was on a mission and she would not stop for anyone. The night was warming considering it was now nearing the end of November. I had spent a couple of weeks in hospital and had forgotten how much I’d missed the outdoors. Being held captive by fear in my home for the weeks previous to hospital I finally felt alive. I ingested the smell of the pine as I passed the trees behind the black railings and enclosed my grasp over the leaves, shredding them from their branches recklessly. I stormed over the bridge, spitting on the floor as I smoked a cigarette, impatiently stomping the ground with the heels of my boots. The ducks were not in sight in the canal below and the silence of the night soothed me. I looked ahead towards the field where I began to trace my steps carefully. I stalked the hedges as I grew closer to the end where his street lay and began to carefully view the surroundings. No one was to be seen. Alike everywhere else, the city was dead. Everyone was elsewhere, probably tucked up in bed. A light glimmered in one of the upstairs front windows and the door’s paint was chipped and worn. The glass of the windows was smeared as the concrete of the house was cracked. A smell of manure filled the air causing nausea to stir. I wondered if horses had passed recently as it certainly wasn’t the season for gardening. I began to tremble at the thought of him opening the door or noticing me I praised by back against the holly bush as I noticed a shadow lingering and the lights of the house go out. It had been early hours of the morning. The moon shone over the red car that was parked neatly in the street adjacent to the house at question. I waited. Danny, lagging behind had finally caught up, scoping the area himself, he recognised my mantra and copied. We waited.

  As we waited, my mind phased as I began to remember the incidents with other men. There had been the time when I’d decided to take a chance and meet Will who I’d met online. He was from Manchester. Will had been kind to me in the beginning yet, buying me flowers, taking me to the theatre. I had enjoyed spending time with him. At least up until the point he drugged me and took me which only resulted in me spending hours in A&E with my mother at my bedside. I had got home the next morning somehow and collapsed on the floor. She immediately rang an ambulance. Previous to collapsing, I had been attempting to make her and myself a cup of tea. Of course, I’d craved affection and attention from men as I wanted to be loved, I felt so lonely and miserable that it was all I’d hoped for. Yet now, I didn’t want anything at all from a man. I wanted only to do what felt right, to do what must be done. Will had tricked me into taking a tablet, telling me it was for pain. He dosed me up with a source that is still unknown, even to doctors and nurses, my friend thought it may have been horse tranquilizer, and after I passed out had taken my clothes off and raped me. The night was a blur and when I awoke I noticed I was naked, exposed and on show. I ran to the toilet to see seamen when I wiped myself. I panicked. Going into shock, I felt my body tremble and my knees grow weak, I felt my stomach turn and nausea rise. I’d vomited. Not in the toilet, but all over the bathroom floor. Will wasn’t anywhere to be seen, neither was the key card to the hotel room that he’d somehow managed to carry me back to in Liverpool City Centre. I quickly dressed and headed home to the point where I’d collapsed in front of my horrified Mother.

  We had been waiting for four hours before we noticed the door creak open. It was now 7 AM, and the Burns’ household was awake and ready. We watched Harry as he carried out full sacks of rubbish and plonked them into the grey bin just outside his gate. We leered as he trailed back inside the home, a look of contempt covering his face. Triumph was felt as we’d not made any mistakes in finding his whereabouts. We waited another hour before the door opened again and this time Harry’s wife entered the world with the four children. She opened the red car door and they all jumped in giggling and whining. Hearing the engine roar to life, it wasn’t longer than a minute before the woman drove off down the street and around the small roundabout to do what seemed to be the school run. It had seemed normal for them, the woman appeared to have no knowledge about Harry’s pitiful actions. She appeared content as she smiled warmly at her children. I wondered if she would ever suspect him cheating, or attempting to court other women. Yet, that look burned through my soul as I realized she undoubtedly knew nothing of the sort.

  He must be living a normal life with her. I couldn’t help wonder whether or not they were still sexually active. Everything else seemed normal so why wouldn’t they be? What was Harry’s game? What was the trouble with being devoted to his wife? His family? Was he a sex addict? Questions that may never be answered tumbled through my brain, answers were like a ball of tumbleweed rolling across a desert.

  Soon Harry was out, he dressed in a black coat and navy trousers which seemed to be some sort of uniform. I watched as he strode down the street and ran to follow him without his noticing. Where was he going? Danny behind me, leered in the direction, I beckoned him to follow. We kept a distance of about one hundred yards between us and Harry. We stalked as he lumbered through the streets. He never looked back once which made it easier for us. After a few blocks we noticed a building reading ‘Mersey Care’ on the sign labelled ‘South Sefton Hospital’, we watched as he entered the through the double doors. I quickly scanned the area to notice a sign which informed me that it was an institute specialised in mental health care. I wondered what he could possibly be a patient there for. I queried all the possibilities, depression, psychosis, anxiety? After ten minutes of myself and Danny watching, Harry exited the same doors, only to find that this time he was without his coat and wearing a white tunic and navy trousers, very similar to the overalls he wore for the nursing home. In addition to this attire, he also wore a NHS lanyard. I was horrified to have discovered he worked there. Had he left his job at the care home? I quickly backed against the wall as he glanced towards our direction. Danny remained seen. Yet, Harry didn’t seem to notice him despite his attire consisting only of a pair of black shorts and flip flops, Lord knows why I made this guy my ally. He didn’t seem to feel the cold in this weather, I didn’t question Danny though, it only resulted in jibba jabba. Suddenly, the shock hit me as I felt the world fall apart. Harry working in a mental health trust? Surely not! But there, the evidence stood only fifty yards ahead, behind the hedges. I began to wonder about whether he was trying to stalk me, and whether he knew I was stalking him. It was a possibility and a risk I was willing to take.

  Having left Danny at the field, I stormed my way back home. I quickly changed in the alley of my front garden and took off my makeup to reduce my Mum’s suspicion. I entered the house to have my anxieties confirmed. ‘Where have you been Kat?’ She asked politely.

  ‘Just on a walk, they said at the hospital I should take regular walks to keep up on the physio and reduce stress’, I was quick to answer having revised the lie in my head about a hundred times.

  ‘Oh’, she replied casually. I ran to my room and began to research staff at the mental health hospital. I was out of luck, nothing could be found on staff, only and old, out of date website which told me about the chief executive and his deputy from the eighties. Having calmed down from the shock, I must’ve fallen asleep as I woke again to the night breeze brushing against my skin from the window that I’d deliberately left open. Not being sure how to process th
is new information into the plan for kill, I decided that I would bide more time to figure out a way to catch him off-guard. The things I would say, the explanation for my disappearance, the unanswered texts and calls he gave. What would I say?

  Night after night I lurked alone in the bushes outside work to discover that Harry had not left his job at the home, yet what I had noticed was that he worked less nights. Perhaps he’d grown bored without me there now. Perhaps I was his only source of entertainment. Poor soul. I watched as he trampled his way over the gravel and into Dandelion house. The house where my nightmares situated now. He looked tired, dishevelled and rather unkempt. Maybe this new job was wearing him out, which meant I may not have as much bother tormenting him as I’d anticipated. Still… he was strong and I did need to consider that.

  ***

  The CPN rang the bell to Kat’s home. He waited casually whilst Kat rushed around to ensure everything was clean. Of course, it was clean as she had been anxiously tidying whilst awaiting the clock to strike twelve. The designated time that Ricky Lace, her CPN, would arrive. The washing hung on the maiden neatly in the back kitchen, bed linen and towels folded perfectly, stored in the airing cupboard, floors sparkled from being mopped with Dettol, and surfaces shone as the sun bounced off them.

  Kat opened the door.

  ‘Hello Kat, it’s nice to meet you, I’m Ricky, the nurse you spoke to on the phone the other day. Do you recall?’ Kat had no recollection of the phone call, yet she smiled and nodded politely. If it hadn’t been for the text message stating the time and day of Ricky’s arrival, Kat wouldn’t have remembered the appointment at all. He stood with his jet black hair spiked up at the top, his white shirt clinging to his slightly built frame and grey trousers attached, comfortable with a black belt, matching his leather shoes. The NHS badge hung lightly from his collar, and moved as did he. Ricky wasn’t a pale man, in fact he seemed to catch the sun easily, especially for the upcoming winter. His skin seemed to radiate with colour as he looked healthy and young.

  ‘Come in…’, Kat hesitated, as she almost whispered the invitation.

  ‘Why thank you’, he said. Ricky stepped gracefully into the door and posed himself upright as he scoped the hallway. ‘It’s a lovely house’, he chimed.

  ‘Oh… thank you’, Kat murmured. She lead him into the lounge where he perched himself on the brown leather sofa where the back was cloaked in a grey throw and silver satin cushions parked in the left corner. ‘Would you like a drink?’, queried Kat.

  ‘No thank you’, he smiled at her, gazing into her eyes. Suddenly, he shook himself as he grabbed papers from his briefcase. ‘I have an assessment to undertake with you Kat, is that okay?’

  ‘S-sure.’ Kat felt as if the world was closing in on her within the four walls of the lounge. She often hesitated and murmured as Ricky questioned her about her mood, her experiences and her feelings. The time seemed to drag, yet Kat only nodded or spoke ‘No’. He noticed her uneasiness and yearned to reach out to her, yet that would be an unprofessional move, so instead he leaned back. The questions he asked where similar to those that the nurse and doctor asked in the hospital. Kat responded all the same whilst staring greatly at Ricky’s badge all the while.

  An hour later, the appointment was over. Ricky has smiled a lot at Kat as he noticed her pallor fading throughout the time they spent. He recognised her anxiety and feelings of isolation. Ricky explained that he would have to consult with the psychiatrist regarding the assessment in order to conduct a plan of action for Kat’s care.

  ‘Oh’, Kat claimed. She felt as if her independence had been stripped, as if people thought she was mad, and most certainly as if she was going mad herself.

  ‘Everything will be okay Kat, I will be supporting you for three years, and I will most certainly help you feel yourself again.’ Ricky leaned forward as he said this, looking Kat straight in the eyes. She felt nervous as he did this and her stomach backflipped. She had no response. ‘I will call you through the week and we can arrange your next appointment’, he smiled.

  ‘Yes’, Kat nodded in agreement. Ricky stood from the couch and began to walk towards the front door as Kat followed.

  ‘Well it was nice meeting with you Kat, I will see you shortly, remember to ring me if there are any issues or you feel unwell, I am here to look after you now.’

  ‘Sure’, Kat nodded as she held her forefinger to her lips eyes gazing at Ricky’s black ford focus. ‘Goodbye’, said Kat as he strolled towards his car. He looked back grinning and repaid the farewell.

  Danny

  Scornful look

  Piercing eyes

  A deathly stare

  As the child’s cries

  Drinking Jack Daniels

  Pointing below

  This man peculiar

  Not for show

  Tainted vases

  Shattered glass

  Help is here

  To take out the mass

  Danny entered the room with a magnificent smile. His eyes had dark circles underneath them as usual however, at this time they seemed darker. His hands stuck firmly in the pockets of his shorts and his long hair slicked back, freeing his face which looked chiselled with his pointy jaw. Danny’s face was smoothly shaven, yet he did look the age of twenty-five. His stature seemed perfect apart from the talons which I knew lived beneath his pockets. Surely he would've cut them by now? I’m sure I would soon find out. As I thought this he removed his hands from his pockets and stretched. His nails were a little shorter, yet the yellowing stood out like a sore thumb.

  ‘Your eyes?’ I asked.

  ‘Yes I’m malnourished.’ Claimed Danny smoothly, flipping back his long black hair.

  ‘And your nails?’

  ‘I have a fungal infection.’

  ‘I see.’ I smiled comprehendingly. It wasn’t as if Danny had anything to lie about, he was a true friend. My one and only person who I could trust. I put all my faith into him. He was there for me, helping me. Although, I must admit it was peculiar how we met. He just seemed to appear out of nowhere. Each time. It was as if he knew when I needed him, almost as if he was psychic. ‘Yes, unlike you, I have medical conditions. Those doctors don’t know what they’re talking about when it comes to you though. They just seem to box everyone off into a category. So you had a mishap. You got through it and am here for you Kat. I know your story and I wish to help you. You hurt yourself, no big deal now as we will get revenge for you. We will collaborate the game and win.’ Danny said this without hesitating, smiling or frowning. He said this expressionless. I noticed he was wearing a plain red t-shirt all of a sudden with his black shorts. It wasn’t like him to be wearing a top, but maybe he wanted to finally cover the scars he had of his left pec and upper arm. Danny seemed a little different today in his ways, he wasn’t as flamboyant as he usually was. In fact, he seemed more stern. More coordinated and full of leadership. His aura consisted of order and harshness, as if he was a soldier ready for battle, if not a corporal.

  ‘I see, but what exactly are we to do?’

  ‘Kill him before he gets to you again, before he hurts anyone else, before he destroys someone’s life.’

  ‘Hasn’t he already destroyed me?’ I gasped.

  ‘No because you have me to perk you up. I am lethal. I am exactly what you need.’

  ‘You’re very convincing.’

  Indeed, Danny was very convincing. He was like my other half, filled with the confidence and certainty that I’d lost. Overridden with joy and assertiveness. Danny knew me whether I liked it or not. He was mysterious. Faithful. Honest. The only man I could rely on. In fact, the only person. He had my best interests at heart. He was the one I would confide in.

  ‘I must admit though. I’m worried.’ I beckoned him to sit on the bed in my small room.

  ‘Why Kat, you won’t get caught? I’m trained to do this, to serve justice. Your guardian angel.’

  ‘I might, you just don’t know, but am more afraid to see his face.
’

  ‘Psshhhh, you should be glad to see him writhe in pain.’

  ‘Oh trust me, I would be.’

  ‘Remember Kat, life’s a game. Wanna play? Lose the battle? Then win the war as artistically as possible. That’s you Kat, you lost the battle, so do everyone a favour and win the war.’

  ‘Then we will need to discuss a plan of action.’

  ***

  Ricky knocked early that morning. The skies were overcast, and the trees were bare. It was the middle of winter, Kat had been waiting anxiously for Ricky to arrive. She hated the appointments, she dreaded them. She felt as if she were being judged, and monitored. She felt as if her life was in another person’s hands. As if all control and autonomy had been taken away. If it wasn’t for Danny, Kat may have gone stir-bat-crazy. She may have given up all hope. She may have lay day after day until death claimed her. It was as if now though, she was leading a double life. In her mind she was sane; yet her medical records claimed she was unstable.

  Ricky appeared relaxed at the door as he held his jacket over his right shoulder. The jacket was plain black and made of cotton and fleece. Opposite to the first time Kat met Ricky, he was dressed casually, wearing jeans and a plain white t-shirt which hung from his small frame. His hair was gelled in place again, spiked at the top. This time, Kat noticed a silver stud in his right ear, it suited him well. If it wasn’t for the NHS badge, Kat might have just tripped at the sight of him.

  Kat and Ricky sat sipping coffee in the lounge. The curtains were half drawn and shadows lay on the grey carpet from where the minimal daylight hit the window. The television was off and all that could be heard was the few birds tweeting in the background. The scent of lavender filled the room as Kat lit an incense stick. She grimaced as she sat gently on the two-seater sofa diagonal to Ricky. They began to chat.