Internal Lies

by Megan Mason

‘So… how have you been Kat?’ Asked Ricky.

  ‘Fine’, she said simply as she lit a cigarette. Ricky noticed this as he watched Kat’s hands tremble as she held the lighter, figuring she was nervous around him. As if sensing Kat’s distress, Arnold climbed onto her lap and waved his tail in her face. Molly was curled up in the left corner of the room beneath the curtain that trailed to the floor. Arnold purred at Kat and burrowed his small head into her cheek as he squinted his eyes with admiration.

  ‘I’m glad to hear that. How are things with your Mum?’

  ‘Fine’, Kat repeated her usual answers. She barely opened up to Ricky about anything. Keeping Danny a secret to protect him, and opening up only to how she was still off work and was hoping to return soon.

  ‘That’s great news that you wish to return. However, unfortunately we still need to monitor your progress to sign you off as fit to work.’ Ricky said sadly. His eyes were solemn yet there was a hint of pride as he was happy to find that Kat was doing her best at fighting her condition. He gazed at her as she took a pull on her cigarette, her eyes half closed. Admiring her for everything she was worth. He smiled as she looked up and she grimaced. He quickly averted his eyes downwards as he blushed. Kat couldn’t help but notice this though, she immediately felt embarrassed and looked sideways awkwardly. ‘Are you taking your medication?’ Asked Ricky. Kat nodded quickly. ‘I’m glad’, he said.

  ‘I was thinking maybe the medication is not necessary anymore, I’m fine now.’ Claimed Kat.

  ‘Yes, you’re doing well however, the medication is a vital part of your treatment plan Kat. It’s important that you continue taking it until we can get a psychologist to assess you for a treatment plan with them. I’m sorry you’re having to go through this.’ Ricky’s eyebrows were furrowed with concern.

  ‘Oh’, she said silently more to herself than to him. Ricky felt sad for Kat, he knew she was in a lot of turmoil and yearned to help her more than he was enabled. He longed to reach out and give her a hug, to tell her everything would be okay and that he would never let anything bad happen to her. To give her that stability that he knew all too well was missing. To approach her with delicacy and be everything she had ever dreamed of.

  The appointment was soon over. This time the hour had flew by. Ricky left and said his goodbyes. Knowing that Kat wasn’t opening up much to him he felt as if he was failing with her. He hoped she would soon trust him to tell him everything that was going on in her mind. To tell him what her life was really like, what she had been through, and how things truly were with her. Yet, instead she wore a mask and lived a false life to the outside world. If only he knew...

  ***

  ‘So what’s the plan?’ I queried.

  ‘The plan is, we track him, we follow him and stab him.’ Danny said this plainly.

  ‘What if someone comes?’

  ‘Then… we run!’

  ‘And then what?!’ I shrieked with panic. My heart was racing at the thought of hurting anyone. How could I go from helping people to becoming a villain? It just didn’t seem realistic.

  ‘Then we hope for the best’, laughed Danny. I couldn’t help but breathe rapidly. My chest hurt and my heart thumped. I was having a panic attack. Danny just simply stared and sighed at me. He told me it wouldn’t come to that. That everything would run smoothly. I wasn’t all that sure.

  ‘You stab him in the chest, right where the heart is!’ He exclaimed.

  ‘Okayyy’, I hesitated. Danny strolled out the door.

  I hadn’t spoken to my mother for a while. It seemed now that I was off work, that she was always working. Perhaps she’d picked up extra shifts due to me being off sick. I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t recall our last conversation. It had been a while since we’d had time together. I was glad for that though. I didn’t trust my Mum, she wasn’t someone I felt I could confide in, nor did I feel she would ever take me seriously. I hated keeping things from her yet, there wasn’t much I could do. Without the care and nurture I needed when growing up, it was difficult to distinguish how she would react to things. It was also difficult to form a healthy relationship with her. Of course, she cared as she took me to hospital. However, she knew nothing of why I had attempted to take my life. Nor did she ask. I was shocked she never questioned me to the point of torturing information out of me. Maybe she realized I was distressed enough. It was difficult to think about, let alone talk about. I was having nightmares constantly. My head was a mess yet, surely soon it would end once I ended him. Time to get even I thought.

  Left for Dead

  Fallen angels on the ground

  Filled with writhe and painful scars

  Naughty men will pay the price

  As in the house do the mice

  Witches cackle in the night

  Candles burning all but bright

  Time will tell and you will know

  For I am the one with the bow

  Patience calling from the abyss

  Darling this is surely bliss

  Take a weapon in your stride

  Forget your wallet and your pride

  Tables turning around and around

  Tonight you’ll fall to the ground

  Shields up all for one

  I will ensure that you are gone

  It all began that foggy afternoon. Where the clouds had no division and the sky cried sorrow. Where the hail hit my face and the murmurs of traffic in the distance. Danny hid in the shrub to my right. I stood gazing at the murky water of the canal as it rippled from the bashful storm above. My hands and knees trembled with the anxiety of knowing what was next. He was there in front of me. His back to me as he strode along the mud path that had formed over the years with people’s feet stamping down the tuffs of grass. Grass that was now filthy with splashes of soil, and smeared footprints. I had followed him. From the place where it all began, where we met, and where he took my dignity and pride. Where theft is an understatement, and my life shattered before my eyes and brain could comprehend. Finalized with a stroke of terror and disappointment. Disappointment more in myself than in him.

  Stalking alongside me in the bushes, was Danny with a big grin. He nodded that now the time was right. I didn’t know what to say, yet I followed in agreement. I removed the blade from inside my black leather jacket which had been caressed by the silk lining. I clenched my fist around the black plastic handle and pointed the blade towards the ground on my right side. I took my first step forward shakily, almost stumbling over my own two feet. Danny’s eyes seemed to beam as I did this. I hesitated. Suddenly his eyebrows furrowed in disappointment as he shook his head at me. ‘Don’t worry, I’ve got this.’ I whispered. I took another shaky step.

  How I had got to this point was beyond me. I was in fear. Fear of getting caught and fear of it all going wrong. Fear that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. My body burned as the cold wet weather stung my skin. The frosty air clenching over my breast. The leather jacket wasn’t tactful for this climate however, it was necessary for the game in front. It wasn’t as if I had much to live for anyway. I had Danny who has promised he would leave me as soon as this was over. Then what? What would I do with myself then? Return to work as if nothing happened? Where questions would fly about his whereabouts? Where the news would spread when the body was found? Who was I becoming. I remembered the days when I would play nurse with my baby doc. The days when I would spend endless time colouring pictures. The days when I would collect Pokemon cards and play the games with my nextdoor neighbour. The days when I still had my innocence. Oh how times had changed. I was no longer that small girl that I reminisced of. In fact, I was now an angry woman who sought revenge. Revenge for the life they stole from me. For the piece of my heart that they had torn and shredded viscously. The piece of me that lay somewhere in a mental graveyard. R.I.P.

  Suddenly… ‘YOU OWE ME!’, I shrieked. He came to a halt. He spun round on his left heel. His face was solemn for a moment. Then it turned into a glare. My heart skipped a b
eat. The hairs on my neck raised and my palms began to sweat. Who was this monster? The plastic began to loosen in my palm. I gripped it tighter, but it was no use. I had come face to face with my worst enemy.

  ‘Whatever do you mean?’, Harry queried smoothly with a half grin on his face.

  ‘You know exactly what I mean! You stole it, you took it all away!’ I half sobbed as I said this. I was broken. Shattered. Bruised.

  ‘I took nothing.’ He claimed easily. Yet, I could see a drop of sweat spill from his forehead as he noticed me not parting with the blade. He was about three feet away from me at this point.

  ‘Don’t lie to me. You know exactly what you did!’ Danny’s face formed a scowl which I couldn’t help but grasp from the corner of my eye. I knew what this meant. He was signalling that I was wasting my time. Time which was scarce as at any moment someone could walk down the path and witness my holding of a blade and threatening this, what seemed to be, innocent man.

  Without waiting any longer, I threw it. I watched in anticipation as it spun through the air and landed in what seemed to be his abdomen. Blood splattered and dripped down his white tunic and onto the floor. I watched as his knees gave way. There had been a loud bang as if metal had been thumped when I threw the knife. ‘NOOOOO!’ I heard a male voice scream. It hadn’t been Danny or Harry as it was unrecognisable. As soon as the blade landed, I turned and ran.

  That was it. I had officially gone rogue. I had given up everything I believed in. I had given up my hope in humanity. The hope that there were still good people out there. The view that not everyone was the same. The feeling that not everyone was out to hurt me. I had given up myself.

  There was a knock at the door. Suddenly... I was dragged from my bed. ‘You’re under arrest’. She said. My hands were forced behind my back and the cold metal pierced my skin as the woman pushed my face down onto the floor. They dragged me downstairs and into the car with the flashing blue beacons. I awoke.

  Damien glared at me as I sat up from the couch. It seemed he was visiting. I ignored him. My mother was quiet with a tear stained face. I wondered what had been said. Whether they knew what I had done. Surely, the police would’ve been here if anyone knew about it? I couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to Harry and whether or not he had been found. Whether I would soon go down. My mind wandered to tablets, alcohol, water, ropes. Should I? Perhaps now was the time to start afresh. Perhaps Danny had been right. Start new after the deed was done. Revenge is a dish best served cold. Now it would be time to get on with my life? The storm had stopped and my eyes hurt. Had I been crying? I wasn’t sure but it felt like it. I got up off the couch and sauntered upstairs.

  Molly jumped up on my lap as I lay on the memory foam mattress of my bed. She climbed up to my chest and purred, settling down on my stomach. Snuggling in, she fell asleep. Her warmth was comforting to me. Having felt such anxiety and uneasiness all day after the incident, it was nice to know that someone still cared. Comforting to think that I could just begin a new life with animals who would love me and I in turn, would love them. Who needs men anyway? They are nothing but spoilers of life in my eyes. How women maintain relationships with them is beyond me. They are full of lies and misery. Pouring painful stories in your ears, and scattering mess around inside your head. I hate men.

  I stared blankly at the ceiling, mesmerised by the shadows that my chandelier casted into what looked like a sun. The light was dimmed to my liking and the curtains were left wide open. I prayed to God that my blue dream catcher would do it’s job in protecting me from anymore haunting dreams. That I would be able to rest soundly and get a good night sleep. I glared at the stars shining in from my window. Covered mostly by trees and branches, yet some escaped the coverage. I looked at my floor which was littered with the clothing I’d worn that day. Listened to the emptiness that breathed through the house. My mother was still up, there seemed to be something bothering her yet, she hadn’t spoken to me at all that day. It was as if I had done something wrong that she knew about. Although, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Normally, she would ask how I am but today she said nothing. She didn’t even look at me. In fact, she was very passive, not that I attempted to make conversation either. I felt too weak and fragile. Too emotional. I felt rather numb yet, at the same time nauseous and filthy. I still showered twice a day if not three times. Having felt so violated it was all I had. No matter what though, to me, I was still unclean. Dirty. Easy. Damien had left by now. He hadn’t spoken a word to me either. That was usual for him though. In fact, I just found it strange that he glared at me. Often, he wouldn’t even look at me. In fact, usually he just looked past me. My family is very bizarre and I cannot wait to move away. It would only be a matter of time once I gained a new job or find myself back in work. I feel however, that I could not go back to the care home now. Not where memories will haunt me, and his traces will be left. In fact, I’d love to relocate abroad or maybe even further out in the UK. Who knows what will be?

  Danny was nowhere to be seen. It had been a week and he hadn’t appeared. I had none of his contact details. He had been right. As soon as the deed was done he would leave. He had left. I felt alone and lost. Ricky had visited me the other day and mentioned about introducing me to a psychologist. Apparently, he and my Mum had had a quiet word amongst themselves about my condition. What had been said is beyond my knowledge. Yet, I refused to care. I thought of Ricky and his gelled hair. I thought of the way he spoke to me, how polite he was and how he seemed to genuinely care. Obviously, it was all false, as was most nurse’s bedside manner. Not that he nursed me at a bedside, but that’s what it was commonly known as. I genuinely cared about my residents in the home, I actually miss them. I longed to know how their state was. Whether their condition had deteriorated. Whether any had passed. I knew one lady was receiving palliative care before I left. However, I had no knowledge of whether she was still making it. She was a fine lady, full of smiles and sparkling eyes. It didn’t matter how ill she was, she would always smile and giggle. I loved her as if she were my own. I didn’t believe though, that anyone else had these traits. I was just one in a million. On the other hand, now it seemed to mock me. Having harmed another person, I seemed to have gone against everything I fought for in life. Safety. Respect. Love. Harmony. Yet, this man had been a monster. Prison just wasn’t justice enough. Plus, why should I have to go through the pain of telling and retelling the same story to detectives, judges, jury, police. I struggled with the thoughts and memories just as they were.

  It wasn’t long before I fell soundly asleep. I dreamt I was running through a meadow in the sunlight. Where the birds sung and the children laughed. I swooned in and out of the blossom trees. Everything was beautiful until Danny turned up telling me that the clock was ticking. He was warning me that time was running out and that I needed to hurry.

  The next day was paramount. Although the storm had cleared from last week, the skies remained grey and the roofs remained iced. I showered and dressed. I nibbled on the edge of some toast. It had been months since I’d eaten properly, I just felt sick all the time. It was no surprise that I had lost weight, my body was starved, yet my mind was ill. I set out on route and tracked down the destination of the previous week where the situation had been apparent. The air glazed my face and my breath was noticeable in the freezing air. I wore my navy blue trench coat, trimmed with a white fur collar and silver buttons to fasten. My white gloves kept my fingers from turning blue and red, and my scarf matched my small white satchel. Despite the cold, it was nice to be out in the fresh air, walking. Alone. The bushes of the care home were iced too. I couldn’t help but notice Dandelion house as I walked past. It seemed to leer in my direction, taunting me. My breathing hasted as did my steps.

  I soon reached the canal bank. I entered the area where I remember launching the home brought spear. Nothing was in the area that I had pictured in my mind’s eye. In fact, there were no traces of blood, and no knife to be seen. No body. Not
hing had been in the news and nothing had been discovered about Harry.

  ‘He’s still alive.’ It was a smug comment that came from behind me. I was almost ecstatic to hear his voice. Almost. If it hadn’t been for the disappointment in his tone and the half raised anger, I would’ve been happy. Yet, Danny just stood there behind me holding the knife himself. ‘You checked before I did?’ I was shocked.

  ‘Of course’, he said. Remarkably, Danny threw the knife into the bushes, I sought after it but it was nowhere to be seen.

  ‘How do you do that? Just… like… make things vanish?’ I queried with concern.

  ‘It’s the artistry of an angel.’ He said half-heartedly.

  ‘As if!’ I claimed.

  ‘So now Kat, we have to go again. I’ve been waiting for you for over a week, where have you been?’

  ‘At home.’ I mumbled.

  ‘Not good enough! Where is your game? Your talent? Your revenge?’

  Suddenly I was lost for words. I didn’t know what to say to him. We strolled back to my house and sat in my room as I sipped tea. I was in shock. I couldn’t believe that there were no traces of Harry. I wanted to ask Danny if he knew what had happened but his mood was raised and I was too squeamish to hear any explanation.

  Spy

  Falling leaves

  Muscular arms

  Draining life

  Empty jars

  Thunderous calls

  Awaiting chance

  Bury the head

  Beneath the sand

  Causing feign

  Locked up hearts

  Chains and crosses

  For lonely stars

  Back to square one. We watched at night from the bushes in the nursing home. Dandelion House. We waited around the corner from the mental health care building too. The concrete walls that lined the scenery. Where holly bushes blossomed into life for the winter air. Mist clouding images afar. The scent of smoke from chimneys in use, and the sound of light traffic for the early morning approach. He was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps he had annual leave?