Internal Lies

by Megan Mason

  ‘Hello Kat, I am Jamie!’ He exclaimed!!

  ‘No you're not! You're Damien!’ Kat had said. Jamie was the boy she had a crush on at school, and for some silly reason she had told Damien that she had a crush of this boy.

  ‘Why, who is Damien?’ he questioned, with a rather patronizing manner. ‘Besides, rumour has it that you like me Kat, and I like you. Let us be boyfriend and girlfriend.’ Kat stared wildly at my brother. She began to panic, and struggled against the ropes he had tied her in. What was he playing at? How could he be Jamie? He was clearly her brother.

  ‘I have just come in the form of your brother, I have taken his body’ he claimed. Kat never understood why Damien liked to play these tricks on her, he was only six years older than her. Kat decided she needed to get to her Mother quickly. She rocked on the chair back and forth and struggled against the rope. ‘UNTIE ME!’ Kat demanded. She was only met with a sinister laugh, and a grin to which he said

  ‘You will never break out’. She swung and rocked and eventually fell face first into the carpet. Her nose burned. If Kat could've seen his face at that point, she’d be almost certain it would have displayed some shock alongside amusement. At that point the Mum burst through the door. A wave of relief washed through Kat along with the adrenaline that had been growing inside of her the whole time.

  ‘What is going on?!’ Laura demanded. At that point Damien stammered.

  ‘Errmm, we were just playing a game where Kat was kidnapped!’ he quickly untied Kat setting her free. Kat genuinely believed at the time that he was playing a game, but never fully understood why he had changed himself in such a way. Why had he pretended to be somebody else? Most of all, why had he decided to pretend to be Jamie? She didn't worry herself too much over it at that moment in time, Kat had just been glad to have had her Mother come to her. Kat vaguely remembered her telling him off for tying her up. He had just said that she agreed to it, but Laura looked at Kat’s face, Kat could have sworn she knew she had been in fear and the burn on her nose from where she had fell on the carpet was bright red and bleeding. Laura nursed it better and gave Kat a new toy for her birthday. Kat spent hours amusing herself with the toy and ignored Damien's requests to play anymore games for the day. She hadn't known what to think.

  Nowadays, looking back on these early experiences that Damien had caused Kat to suffer, it really makes her wonder, had he always been truly sinister? The teachers who taught him had suggested to their parents to take him to the doctors and get him tested for mental health issues or learning disabilities, yet... they never did. As the reader, you may feel inclined to accuse certain people for these mishaps... but we don't know the full story yet, do we? Suppose even Kat doesn’t know the full story because she hasn’t experienced the perspective of Damien or her Mother, or even her father. She can only really imagine. Of course, how can Kat know what she would do herself as she is not experiencing the exact same things that her family are in life. She is only one person with her own thoughts and feelings which subjectify her to her own life. Objectivity doesn't truly exist, rules, opinions and procedures are all made based on the thoughts and feelings of others, the outcomes of past experiences. However, we most probably wouldn't truly know objectivity even if it slapped us across the face. What is trying to be suggested is that perhaps no one is to blame for all this, maybe it is just a lot of misunderstanding. Kat however, finds it impossible to understand completely.

  The games carried on until Kat had reached around the age of ten. That afternoon, Damien had been doing what he never did in that way again. Something completely dreadful. Something so awful that Kat had erased it from my own mind until the age of fourteen. She didn't know how she erased it, because Kat certainly wouldn't be able to erase it again. Not now. She finds life very difficult to live. Every day almost seems like a challenge. Why he did it, no one knows. Why Laura made excuses, no one truly knows either. Kat is almost certain that he knew what he was doing. That he was aware of it. However, he carried on, until that day he was almost caught and he avoided Kat and was angry at her. She thought it was her fault. She thought she was to blame. She couldn't forgive herself. She had panicked. She had tried to make it better. Nothing worked.

  On that very day, Kat remembered it had rained. It had been cloudy all day, dull and miserable. Young Kat had been colouring. There wasn't much else to do. Damien had entered and said ‘Let's play house!’. He sounded almost excited, triumphant and full of life, whereas Kat on the other hand, was afraid.

  ‘N- n- no.’ She exclaimed.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I don't want to’

  ‘Pleaseeee’, he was pleading.

  ‘No, I don't feel like it’ Kat said awkwardly.

  ‘Fine! He stormed out. She felt so guilty. She felt as if it was her fault. As if she was to blame for everything wrong in the world. Moments later he returned.

  ‘Are you playing or what?’

  ‘Okay…’ Kat hated myself for it, but she hated myself either way. She just wanted Damien to be nice to me, Kat hated fighting with anyone let alone her brother.

  Then it all started again. He told me to get onto the floor. ‘Pretend you're scared’ he said. Kat didn't need to pretend. She didn't really understand what was going on. She just felt sick inside yet, she still went along with it for some unknown reason. He treated her horribly. She was his game. Kat knew what was coming next before he even did it. He got on top of her. He grinded. Kat screamed for him to get off. But that was his game.She refused to look at him. If she did, she can't remember. Then, suddenly, on this very last time he did this there were footsteps. Damien jumped off me quicker than anyone had ever thought. The Father opened the door. ‘WHAT'S GOING ON?!’ Damien looked as if he had been slapped.

  ‘We were playing wrestling!’ He stammered shiftily. Kat didn't have anything to say. She felt it was all her fault. She didn't know why she had agreed to play the stupid game in the first place. Kat always regretted it. Damien left the room. Their father left to go to the pub, as normal. Kat was left alone. She felt nauseous and everything before her eyes lost colour. Everything bright became dull. Everything that was good became bad. This hadn't been the first time. It wasn't exactly the last either. Damien had seemed fully aware of what he was doing otherwise, why would he have reacted like that to the footsteps? Why would he do that to his own sister? Incest. It continues to baffle Kat. His behaviours and lifestyle are shocking.

  Kat had remembered these incidents not long after she had turned fourteen. One night, when Laura had gone away with her new boyfriend at the time, Kat had been left alone in the house with my brothers. Damien had invited friends round. One gave her alcohol. She drank for the first time ever. Kat could remember the taste of the bubbly lemonade dowsed in the vodka. She had thought it rather amusing at the time. She had felt accepted. Grown up if you like. She felt as though she was finally living a little, as if she had something to look forward to and was indeed rather pleased with herself. Kat had never really experienced anything with boys at the time. She remembered pondering on the things she could possibly do. Dance, sing, draw, what was she going to be when she became an adult like them? Damien and his friends were between the ages of nineteen and twenty now. The way they lived fascinated Kat in a way, to think she could work perhaps after she had left school, or go to college, perhaps drive or move out. It all seemed like a great achievement at the time. Kat didn't enjoy school much, she had always felt lonely, and rather fearful of her peers. She had experienced bullying in school in the previous semesters so was rather unhappy and anxious about returning. She never really realized it at the time but dreaded waking up every morning to go. The place seemed dingy and uninviting, you could feel the spirits watching you every time you walked through the gate and into the abyss of murk. Kat had felt a little rebellious, as if she knew quite enough at the time. At school, she achieved good grades, had positive reports from teachers, never caused too much of a fuss. In fact, if anything Kat believed she was rath
er reserved now, she didn't like to speak out much. After all, the friends she knew along with herself had been transferred to this new school as the previous had closed. Not enough students to keep both the schools up and running the council had claimed, so this was the way it had to be.

  At home, Kat felt even more alone. Laura was off out quite often and if she wasn't out then she was on her computer messaging men or playing games. Kat remembered feeling very independent and closed off. Laura had never gone to any of her parent's evenings at school, she just said, ‘they will only praise you, it gets rather boring as I know what they will say’. Kat felt neglected. Unloved. Unwanted. Abandoned. She had felt as if everybody had turned their backs on her and her soul cried out for attention. Someone to talk to. Over the summer holidays Kat would sit there in her tiny room day after day staring at the plain walls. She would listen to music, the same songs over and over. She obsessed over losing weight, being thin. After all, skinny was desirable. She refused to eat sometimes, skipping meals. Kat felt embarrassed to eat in front of others anyway. She would do as many sit ups as she could in her room. Day after day. However, in her mind she was still 'fat'. She needed to 'go to weight watchers', She was 'massive'. It wasn't just people from school who had claimed that Kat was overweight, it had been her brothers and her own father over the years making comments and jokes about her being big. She couldn't cope with myself. She was fed up. Every time Kat looked in the mirror she would see flab. Every time she looked at old photographs now, she was rather thin. All she needed was to be thin, skinny and beautiful. That was all she thought, she was obsessed. There was never anywhere to go. Kat was afraid to go outside. If she went out, she would face the gang of boys from her school who would shout insults at her and throw things in her direction. She was trapped inside, with people who didn't speak to her and who didn't care. Kat was alone. Isolated. She just didn't want to go on anymore.

  That night Laura had gone away on holiday, Kat finally went to bed. To her surprise, Damien came in. ‘Do you want to see my dick?’ he said.

  ‘No’ Kat replied sternly. Of course, she knew what he was playing at. As a child he had played these games all too often 'I dare you to look at my cock'. Kat couldn't shake off the fear. ‘Come on’ he pressed.

  ‘No. Go away.’

  He took it out anyway, Kat turned away. She didn't class him as her brother anymore. He was nothing to her. Kat had had enough of being treated like some slave. She remembered trying to make up some lame excuse of how she liked a guy named Bradley in school. That was it then. ‘I'm Bradley’. Fuck off you disgusting pervert was all she thought. Kat wanted to hurt him. In fact, she considered it. Yet, she never had the courage, she had tried to fight him before. Kat had only ended up covered in bruises and left lying on the floor, bruised and beaten. A victim. She was only a child that first time, he had been fifteen. They teach sex education to twelve-year-old students in school. They teach about grooming and abuse and puberty and family planning and STDs. He knew what he was doing. Kat knew deep down that he was fully aware. Even now, he knew what he was doing. He was nineteen and Kat was fourteen. He had only drank several cans of beer. He couldn't have been that intoxicated to do such dreadful things without being deeply sinister. Even if a normal person was massively intoxicated, much doubtedly would they attempt to do such things to their own sister! Laura made excuses. She had said a year later after Kat had finally got the courage to tell her that it was too late for her to do anything. Kat thought it was never too late? She had heard stories and people saying it is never too late. That whole night he continually came into Kat’s room, prodding her in the back. She ignored him. Cold sweat dripped off her forehead and caked her armpits. Kat had no one to help me now. What was he going to do? What could she do? She trembled. She was alone. Alone. Alone. ‘Help me’, she whispered. ‘Save me’. Morning came. He had finally give in. Kat crept downstairs. Damien wouldn't even look at her. She spoke briefly to his friend. Damien didn't like it. He scorned her and abruptly left the house with his friend Steve. Kat had wanted to vomit there and then. She wanted to die. She just wanted to be out of the way of everyone. She felt she was nothing but a burden.

  When Laura finally returned, Kat had nothing to say. She just felt empty. Hollow. As if she were so delicate and fragile that she would break with the slightest touch. Laura had asked Kat if I was okay. She simply said yes but kept her distance. She didn't want to spread the infection after all. She didn't want to burden anyone else or ruin their life. Kat felt she was guilty. Everything was her fault. She was nothing.

  Kat went to school. She came home. Repeat.

  He came at her. He was chasing her. She couldn't get away. He caught her. She was dead. She woke up. No one was there. Kat still felt nauseous. Isolated. Everything was always cold. Everything was always dark. She cried most nights. Alone. No one ever knew. She made sure that she was silent. The tears would come streaming down her face. Perhaps if you collected all the tears that she’d shed over the situation, you could make a river. Enough water to last a lifetime. Emptiness. Tormented to the point that every time Kat got a bath at night after school she would hold herself beneath the water and would fight to stay under. She would stay there and wait. She waited. Suddenly, someone wrenched her out and screamed down her ears. But there was no one there. It was just Kat. ‘No’. It was a woman's voice. Each time. Kat didn't know exactly what it was then, or maybe she did, deep down in her gut. Perhaps she just never truly wanted to believe it. They had always been there though, her whole life. She was always seeing them on and off ever since she could remember. They were her livelihood. She felt she owed them my life. In fact, she felt she owed them all the gratitude left within her and more. The spirits look after her. If she asked for something, it came. Of course, she may have to wait. They never leave though. They are with her all the time. Everywhere. Watching. They know exactly what Damien did. They would be after him! He shall pay.

  Tears streamed down her face. Kat picked up the knife. She dropped it. He was coming. The urge flared within her. She couldn't control her rage. He must pay. She picked the knife up again and began to walk towards the door. He must pay.

  Kat quickly put the knife back in the draw. What had come over her? Murderous instincts. The torment had turned into anger, and anger had turned into destruction. The light bulbs had been fading. The toaster had broken. The kettle had too. Now the washing machine was beginning to fault. New light bulbs were placed and the old ones thrown. Even the replacements began to flicker after a day. The energy surrounding her was massive. A great destructive energy ready to knock them down. Kat was ready to lash out at anyone who was there to hurt her. She didn't care anymore. Everything she had ever held close to her, everyone she had ever trusted had shattered before she could even count to ten. Everything was gone. She had no one. She had felt as if she was in Thomas Hobbes' state of nature, every man for himself. Stand on guard and fight for your rights Kat. Forget the rest of humanity, they are all fucking selfish bastards!

  The hardest person to speak to about things was her mother. Kat could tell her story to people she didn't know quite easily, maybe a few tears here and there but she could tell them the details. When it comes to her mum though, she felt like she was being judged more than she did with anyone else. She felt as though her mother blamed her. She feared that she would shout at her, smack her across the face or send her away. Kat was convinced that her mother hated her. She was convinced that her mother wished that she had never been born. She didn't see it back then but her mother had tried to give Kat independence and trusted her to do more than she had ever let her brothers. However, Kat saw all this as neglect. She felt neglected. She just wanted her mother back. After their Dad had left once and for all when Kat was twelve, it was as if she had not only lost him but her mother too. She became so vacant. Nothing Kat did seemed to make her look twice. Her mother wasn't the same anymore. He had caused too much damage for everyone. As the youngest, Kat didn't know what to do,
she felt as if she were getting the blame from everyone else.

  Kat’s father was an alcoholic, although he would never admit this, Kat wouldn’t doubt for a second that he still is. One weekend, just as Kat and her brothers were all due back into school after an Easter break, he had threatened to smash the house with the sledge hammer that had been locked in the shed located to the right in the back garden, just behind the bed of roses. He had been threatening to do this for weeks, but this time something seemed more serious and threatening. He had walked over to the back door of the house. Kat had been standing in the kitchen, instantly she threw herself in the way of the door and cried ‘No! Please don't’. It seemed pathetic of her at the time, but she didn't want to witness anything so detrimental. He had walked away but it was too late... ‘It's okay Kat, I've phoned the police’ Laura announced. She had phoned the police. Kat’s father had been quiet the whole night. Kat had asked him on several occasions if he was okay, he was just sitting alone in the back garden drinking his cans of Carlsberg as normal. But to not speak to his children, this had become something quite normal too, yet he wouldn't always ignore Kat. This time however was different. He was vacant. He just stared blankly and grunted a response with agitation. When he came in Laura asked him if he was okay too, yet he decided to go all out and shout at her saying she had turned the children against him and that she was a whore. Kat never really understood all of this at the time, she was ten. Of course, Laura wasn't a whore and never had been, she only used to go out to work, to shop or to visit her parents. Kat’s father had become a control freak.