Internal Lies

by Megan Mason

  ‘YOU CALLED THE POLICE?!’ He screamed. There was no response. He dragged Kat by her left wrist and shoved her out of the way. It all happened so fast. Panic bubbled within her, her blood boiled and all she could hear were shrieks of terror. Cries of hysteric. He was now storming towards the house with the humongous sledge hammer. The metal head gleaming in the moonlight looking angrier than him! Laura shut the door between the kitchen and the hallway, he didn't care he swung. If Kat could have passed out at that point, she would have. Laura screamed. Kat’s stomach dropped. Was she okay? Had she been hit?! Luckily, Laura had run out of the way. Kat was sure he would run after her with the weapon but he didn't. Damien by that point had a pan out of the cupboard and whooped it over their father's head. He hesitated, but just carried on. The handle of the pan came loose. That was the only damage from that single incident. Kat just cried and cried. The shrieking never stopped. Looking back, Kat was surprised that she had not developed any sort of dehydration. Her adrenaline rush was too great for that though. The holes in the doors that their father had plunged with the hammer were like the holes in Kat’s heart. He had hit Kat’s bedroom door too. He took apart the bathroom. As much as he could before the police would come. Kat remembered being taken in by a woman across the road. She had wanted to speak to her mum but she was pushed away. Kat had wanted to speak to someone about it but no one wanted to speak to her. She felt as if she wasn't allowed to have feelings over the situation... as if what her mum had felt was more important. It was her marriage that had broken. Kat felt as if what her brothers had felt were more significant too. She felt isolated. Segregated. Trapped. Traumatized. Lost.

  When Kat returned to the remains of what was once their home the following morning, there was dust everywhere. Kat remembered seeing it and not feeling anything for a while. Then, she remembered the sick feeling that she carried around with her for a very long time afterwards. The things that had happened to her and this 'family'. She had no idea what to think or feel. At the time, Kat told her naive little self that everything would be fine and would return to normal. How wrong she was though. From there onwards things only seemed to get worse for Kat internally. She was troubled. The people she had once held so close to her heart and thought of so dearly were now the people she feared the most. Not just because of a singular incident but multiple incidents. Incidents that occurred with malice and accusation. Incidents that Kat could not even begin to understand at the time. Incidents that caused her to suffer with this severe depression.

  Psychiatrist

  Dark chilled nights

  Out goes the lights

  No love or affection

  Only sorrow and rejection

  Days merging

  Death submerging

  Breathing hastened

  Buttons fastened

  Darkness engulfing her

  Leaving her purely bare

  Stripped of rights

  Like vampire bites

  Kat wasn’t sure how long she’d slept. She wasn’t sure if it was night or day. She lay on the springy mattress and shuddered. Shuddered at the thought she’d be there forever. Would Ricky really come? She hoped he would. He was her only hope of saving her soul. Her mind. Her sanity. He would be the blessing she needed. Coaxing a cockroach on the floor towards her, Kat began to internalise all that was there in front of her. Before her eyes. She saw lights, patterns, scenes. As if she were watching a movie in front of her, she saw the body being dragged before her. Cloaked in a white sheet with only the black boots of the man visible. The man dragging him wore a cowboy hat and smoked a cigarette. A cigarette which Kat craved so badly having been deterred of this luxury in her cell. She would forever be advising smokers not to wind themselves in prison. Being deprived was enough to drive one mad.

  Soon, the porridge was posted through the small hatch in the door. She wolfed it. Having deprived herself for weeks, Kat really needed the energy. Energy that had left her soul. She began to feel a little more positive about the day. Surely, Ricky wouldn’t lie to her. Surely, he would come with the doctor and help heal her wounds. Dress them with their words and suture them with their care. She anticipated the moment he would be allowed to walk in, although he’d be guarded, she anticipated his arrival.

  Meanwhile, Kat picked at her toenails eagerly. There was nothing in the room to entertain her, and no form of contact surrounding her. She was trapped. Despising the isolation, she began a conversation with herself about Harry. How he’d deserved it and how it hadn’t been her fault. It was comforting. To be able to comfort herself was a small gift Kat had. The only thing that got her through this pain. The only way she could bare herself. Having been shut out from the rest of the world, Kat began to create her own world in her mind. She created characters, families, towns, buildings. She traced them on the wall beside her, colouring them in with imaginary paints. Carefully going over the designs again and again.

  His hair was gelled and his face held shock. He rushed through the door as it slowly opened, taking all the time in the world. Ricky stared as Kat traced her imaginary paintings. Noticing that she was losing her mind he sat next to her. He attempted to speak to her however, Kat never seemed to hear. In fact, it was as if she was so intensely wrapped up in her own mind that the external world no longer existed to her. She’d found her happy. A zone of comfort that no one could take away from her. A zone that was so intense it’d be difficult to snap her out of.

  ‘Kat?...’ Ricky voiced his concern. ‘Kat, it’s me Ricky, your CPN. Do you recognise me? I’m here with Dr Blenkin.’ Ricky was facing his worst fears as his heart bled for Kat. ‘We’re here to help you.’ He claimed. Suddenly, Kat glanced over her shoulder, not at Ricky though, at the opposite wall, that to her had been blank. She slid herself over and began tracing new patterns. The doctor looked sternly at Ricky as he kneeled himself down to Kat’s level. Ricky placed his hand on her arm but she swatted it without thinking. The only time when she truly needed his care, she didn’t accept it. Ricky’s face contorted slightly as if truly hurt by this reaction. Although Kat didn’t seem all that together mentally, Ricky still cared. He aimed to get through to her but nothing seemed to work. He talked to her and begged her to recognise him. His concern grew grave as she merely continued to trace the wall.

  ‘This girl appears to be suffering from psychosis.’ Claimed Dr Blenkin smoothly. ‘We will need to institutionalise her as soon as possible. She is severely unwell.’ The doctor’s voice was stern as he noticed Ricky still attempting to get through to Kat.

  ‘Kat, you’re going to be okay, do you hear that? The doctor has decided to put you in hospital. You’re getting out of here Kat. You’re not the person you think you are. You are you. You are Kat Dine... Hmm? Do you see yourself being successful? Because I do, I see your success. You’re a bright girl with so much potential, you’re going to do so well in life. Heyy?? That’s it lovely you relax now, it won’t be long before we get you to the right place.’ His words were soft and quick. His anxiety rose as she just stared blankly into the space in front of her. Time was passing by slowly for Ricky however, he showed his compassion and empathy for Kat. He revealed his soft spot for her. Dr Blenkin could only glare at Ricky’s lack of professionalism however, he wasn’t one to judge, there had been a time when the doctor had overstepped the boundaries himself with a patient. Where he over prescribed them medication to feed their addiction to the drugs. The young girl had told the doctor she’d loved him. She’d told him that he was her only hope. He’d retaliated with the same words. They’d kissed. Ricky had witnessed this and Dr Blenkin knew. Having looked to his right and saw Ricky standing there in shock, Dr Blenkin had begged him not to say anything. So he didn’t. The girl had ended up in psyche and weaned off the drugs. She was also relocated to another community care provider, ending any sort of relationship that had developed between the doctor and her. Due to these circumstances though, Dr Blenkin was bitter and had nothing on Ricky as he feared the worst for his own car
eer and livelihood.

  The time seemed to tick over for them quickly. The doctor headed to the office in the prison and spoke with the man in charge. They spoke about Kat and her reasonings for being there, they discussed her mentality and state of mind and discussed what was best for her. Soon, they arranged the Ambulance to come to the prison to pick her up. Ricky stared after her as she was guided out of the cell and into the white van with flashing blue beacons, labelled ‘AMBULANCE’. It was within her best interests.

  The drive to the hospital had been a quiet one. Kat sat still, unmoving like a porcelain doll. Her eyes were glazed and her stare was vacant. The paramedic that sat with her didn’t even attempt to make any sort of conversation. He just simply smirked at her and continued to document her circumstances. It was as if he believed that she was wasting their time. As if the man in green believed that there should be another service for those with mental health issues. However, the service was for those who were ill, and being treated as though mental illness is different to physical, Kat couldn’t help but process the judgements that were made. She felt sick at the thought of a man such as this was in the caring profession. She immediately hated him. He was a waste of time she thought. A waste of uniform. A waste of title. Kat was merely aware that she was in an ambulance. She slipped in and out of reality, phasing back to her own world that seemed brighter, more cheerful, colourful and loving.

  The van pulled up and parked outside the institute. It seemed to be raining outside now as it pelted the roof of the van loudly. Kat began to scream as she believed guns were shooting at her from the sound. The paramedic sighed as he wheeled her out of the van not so carefully and into the hospital on the trolley designed for patients. The building was tall and white however, it was plastered in mud from the rain which hammered into the gutters and splashed dirt all over the beautiful white that was now not so beautiful. The exterior of the building was designed with flagged paving stones, potted plants that had now died off due to the winter air, and lanterns that were made to hold tealights. The doors were coded with locks that required the pin to be entered to open them. They swung as Kat was wheeled into the institute.

  ‘Kat Dine,’ the paramedic said, his colleague who had been driving the van following them from behind.

  ‘Ahh yes, we have been informed she was coming to us.’ Said the lady who had been standing at the reception behind the glass. She wore a navy blue blouse decorated with white dots. Her skirt tight around her plump abdomen and her navy cardigan to protect her from the drafts that entered the building from the doors opening constantly. She bowed her head down as she checked the computer in front of her, her glasses tipping to the point of her nose. You could notice her grey roots as she did this from where her hair had been dyed previously with a copper tone.

  ‘Yes, Kat Dine, ward eleven.’ She said. The paramedics didn’t hesitate. They simply pulled the trolley towards the lifts and waited eagerly. They were busy as usual and often hurried patients on their way. However, Kat noticed this and suddenly felt like a burden. Her screaming had quietened ever since they had got her into the building where she lay flat and unmoving. Her eyes still glazed over. The lift arrived and they hastened their moves.

  Once on the ward Kat seemed to settle, she soon fell asleep and let go of her concerns. Concerns that she had about being brought into a new place. However, now she was able to see people and look out of the window that her bed was placed next to. There was a room at the end of the corridor which consisted of arts and crafts, jigsaws, games, TVs, and consoles that the patients could use to occupy themselves as well as utilize these resources as part of their therapy. She felt safe and secure suddenly. No longer remembering Harry, Kat dreamt that she was a little girl again wanting to play. The girl that yearned affection and love. Care and compassion. She had come to the right place.

  As she awoke she found herself covered with a sheet and a blanket. She suddenly felt cold. She cried. The tears that fell were for all her sorrow and displeasure in life. A female nurse walked by to ask her why she was crying. All she could do was choke on her tears. Kat couldn’t form the words with her mouth. She hadn’t known exactly what had happened but she was sure of one thing, and one thing only. She grabbed the napkin off the table that settled next to her bed at the side. Taking the nurse’s pen from her pocket gingerly, she wrote it down. The nurse watched. Suddenly, the nurse’s eyebrows raised with shock and sorrow. She hugged Kat, ‘It will be okay.’ She said wholeheartedly. Her white t-shirt was comforting and Kat felt loved again. The words she’d wrote were simple. Three words only. I was raped.

  Hospital

  Scary times,

  Lemons and limes

  People spaced

  Fingers laced

  Broken hearts

  Falling apart

  Shattered dreams

  It’s not as it seems

  Dimming stars

  Driven like cars

  Time to fight

  Forget the night

  Her body convulsed as she vomited again. Having eaten so little in the past few weeks, her frail frame now began to reject food. She had to be fed through a nasogastric tube. The nurse had raised her concerns about Kat to the safeguarding team and to the psychologists. She continued to talk with Kat to try and get her to open up more about the incident however, Kat couldn’t quite form the words nor string any sentences together to write down. In fact, all she could do was write down that she’d been raped.

  The hospital was bright with colours, artwork that patients had created splashed with colours and painted finely. Some pieces were abstract whilst others were painted to high definition. Some talent these people owned. Kat had lost interest in her artistic skills and refused to cooperate with what was called ‘play time’. She mesmerised herself only in the jug of water that was in front of her. No new medication had been prescribed for Kat as she was awaiting a review from the doctors. However, without her giving more knowledge about her circumstances, the doctors had to bide their time to await for messages from the nurses regarding Kat’s behaviours.

  Kat spoke to no one in the hospital although, others attempted making conversation with her. She was silent. Staring only at the floor, wall, or bed. She felt lost within herself. Lonely in a room full of people. Spaced in a daze she couldn’t quite comprehend. She let go of herself completely. Giving up to the intense feelings of chaos that now engulfed her. Depressed, anxious, paranoid and worried, she felt dreadful. The physical symptoms didn’t help. Not only was she vomiting, but her head throbbed and her abdomen hurt. She was becoming severely ill.

  Screaming was heard in the distance and was unsettling for other patients like Kat. Violence was obstructed towards members of staff as patients became aggressive. They were huddled back to their beds and injected with a dose of haloperidol, where they soon became sleepy. Kat only lay there in her bed, sleeping on and off. She was encouraged to drink the water in front of her however, everything tasted foul. Her mouth was coated in a dry film of saliva that made her want to vomit if she ever put anything in her mouth. With giving up, nothing seemed to interest her and her only wish now was for the end of life considering all the recent events.

  Laura had not visited Kat. She felt it best to give Kat some time to come to terms with things and gain a more realistic frame of mind. Not only that, but it destroyed her to see her daughter in such a state. Laura rang the hospital every day to receive updates on Kat’s condition. Nothing positive was given lately as they simply told her that it would take some time. That her daughter would be in hospital for quite a while. Damien too, was interested is his sister’s condition surprisingly. He often rang the hospital himself and asked about her. He would visit their mother more often to offer emotional support.

  Days turned into weeks and Kat had not improved. There were merely any updates on her condition and she had barely spoken a word. She had begun drinking water however, which had been a big improvement in the nurse's eyes. Kat soon learnt that the nu
rse she’d confided in was called Amy. A tall slim lady who wore thickly framed glasses and had medium brunette hair. She often wore jeans and t-shirts. Most of the staff in the hospital wore a uniform. Kat knew it wasn’t required in mental health settings however, she did wonder whether anyone had any sort of uniform. Amy spent hours on end talking to Kat and playing cards. Kat merely responded but had begun recently to engage in the activity of cards which was an improvement to staring blankly at the wall. Kat had looked dreadful. Having refused to shower for over a week and crying often, her face was tear stained and her silver locks were greasy, looking more of a matte grey. Her clothes although changed, smelt of sweat and her nails had dirt underneath them. She had no motivation to shower despite being encouraged to. She feared a male member of staff may walk in and watch. Or even worse, come onto her.

  After another week of silence, Kat finally managed to muster up a sentence to Amy. ‘Will you wait outside the door whilst I shower?’ She whispered. ‘Make sure no one comes in.’

  ‘Oh!’ Said Amy alarmed. She had not expected Kat to speak. Amy had merely greeted Kat and was preparing for the usual attempt to encourage her. ‘Why the doors have locks’, she smiled.

  ‘I know. I just… am terrified.’ Cried Kat. Amy quickly agreed to wait outside the door and gave Kat a clean pair of clothing to put on alongside a towel, shampoo, conditioner and shower gel. She handed Kat toothpaste and a toothbrush as Kat spent a good half hour washing. She entered the ward looking a new woman, fresher, cleaner, more like herself.