Internal Lies

by Megan Mason

  Kat strolled towards Amy and gave her a half smile. Amy smiled back wholeheartedly. Kat handed back the equipment she’d been given for her shower. She felt better for it. It had been a great improvement for Kat. Going from choosing to be bed bound to getting up out the bed and showering. However, Kat still refused to speak to other patients and staff. She would speak only to Amy, and even that was cut short. Amy led Kat towards the activity room where she showed Kat the books they had, the arts and crafts section, games, and jigsaw collection. Kat merely scanned the room noticing the plain white ceiling more than anything. She stared at it and was mesmerised by colours that were made up by her mind’s eye. She settled down on a chair and watched other patients as they drew pictures and played games. They seemed happy Kat had thought to herself. They seemed to like the hospital. Kat still felt ill and was being fed through her nose however, at this moment in time she did not have the feed connected.

  The sound of chatter filled the room and the nurses were in and out by the minute, having the activity co-ordinator there constantly. The woman who organised the activities attempted speaking to Kat. ‘Hello’, she said. ‘Would you like to join in our game? We’re playing boy, girl.’ She said. Kat had no interest though, she simply shook her head. The woman smiled politely and nodded her head in Kat’s direction as her full fringe swung forwards. Kat watched the woman as she began to hand out pieces of paper to other patients. She settled herself down on the carpet, crossing her legs as she did this. To Kat, they all looked like children at play school. She felt stupidity for them. In fact, she couldn’t stand the sight of it. She quickly stormed back to her bed space and began to grow restless.

  Having seen enough, Kat began to fume. She tipped the mattress off the bed without thinking and she threw the pillows on the floor. Knocking off the jug of water, she spilled the contents all over the floor and slipped, falling face down on the floor. The nurses must have heard the racket she’d caused as they all ran in and began fixing the bed immediately. Kat was helped up off the floor.

  ‘What’s wrong Kat?’ Queried the male nurse who had blonde, sandy hair and blue eyes. He was a slim character and his voice chimed. Kat glared at him.

  ‘I killed you!’ She shrieked. ‘How are you here?! You’re dead! I burned you alive!’

  ‘Kat… I am the nurse. My name is Dave, I’m here to help you.’

  ‘DON’T LIE TO ME!’

  ‘Kat…’ With that, the nurses quickly placed Kat on her chair and attempted to calm her down yet, Kat was having none of it. She shrieked and kicked, screaming helplessly as she envisioned her torture over and over.

  ‘It’s not my fault!’ She wailed over and over. ‘It’s not my fault!’ Kat’s head pained greatly as tears streamed down her face. The stress of the situation beforehand seemed to of triggered her to hallucinate her innocence being robbed. She watched as he ejaculated again. She screamed. ‘YOU DIRTY BASTARD, I HATE YOU. GET OFF ME! GET OFF ME!’ Kat began to kick and punch the air. The nurses restrained her and placed her on the bed, injecting her with haloperidol as she’d seen them do to other patients. She only screamed louder. At least though, the nurses were beginning to learn more about Kat’s condition. The behaviour she displayed seemed to tell her story. Although she’d cracked, they now had evidence to form a care plan. Evidence to hand over to the doctor and give in hope to devise the right treatment for her.

  Kat began to grow weary now. She felt herself calm down as Amy replaced all the staff that had been in the room. She stroked Kat’s palm delicately and spoke to her about the weather. It was soothing to hear. Soon, Kat fell asleep on her bed and Amy covered her with a sheet and blanket caringly. The day passed by.

  The nurses rang Laura to update her about Kat’s condition. They never informed her that Kat had been raped however, they did inform her that Kat had had a breakdown. They told Laura that she had been medicated to go asleep in hope to calm her down. Laura simply began to cry over her daughter. She missed her gravely and wasn’t sure how to cope with it. Perhaps Laura herself needed some form of support. After all, she had witnessed many of Kat’s antics that Kat had been unaware of. She prayed for her daughter to get better and prayed that she would soon be able to visit her. Having been apart from her for about a month, it grew on Laura that she may never be able to see Kat again. Hope was fading yet, she still prayed and wished, longing for the day that she would see Kat as herself again. The day that Kat would be working again, helping others. Although, Kat wouldn’t be able to work in care again, Laura longed to help Kat find a new career path. To help her become independent.

  Damien offered Laura some tea as she cried. She had hung up the phone only a second ago. He wished his mother would feel better in herself. Although, Damien too did worry for his sister. They sipped their tea and smoked cigarettes. ‘I just don’t know what to do for her.’ Cried Laura. ‘I tried everything I could to keep her at home but it was just all too much!’

  ‘I know Mum, I was there for one of the incidents. She’s in a better place now, where she can receive the right care!’ Said Damien calmly.

  ‘I miss her. She’s my only daughter. I love her so much.’ Laura began to sob. ‘She just isn’t herself anymore. I don’t know how long it’ll be before she is better. The nurse said on the phone that they can now devise a care plan for her at least, so hopefully it is moving in the right direction.’ Laura conveyed a bit of hope to Damien for her daughter.

  ‘They will make her better Mum, believe me!’

  ‘I just don’t fully understand.’

  ‘Well she is with those who do.’

  ‘Yes.’

  Revelations

  Hallucinations all in all

  Deluded dreams to make one fall

  Battled cries in the moors

  They only come along in fours

  Blaming others, it’s not her fault

  Whilst the cats, soon they’ll malt

  Freezing cold, forget the fire

  For he was locked and chained with wire

  Senseless pride she held so fine

  Never again would he build up a line

  At least that’s what she thought

  However, instead, maybe he’ll stand up in court

  Who were they, who come with shrine?

  Black of the night, the devil did sign

  How to foreshadow the story for one

  Now it’s the fact that Danny has gone

  I don’t know what had come over me. I found myself laying in bed and felt nothing but drowsy. Yesterday’s antics had worn me out. I couldn’t quite remember what had happened although, I had a feeling that it was rather bad. Feeling sick, I got myself out of bed. Harry glared at me. Suddenly, I remembered what had happened. I’d seen him in the hospital. He was a patient there. Watching me. It made no sense and I felt nothing but discomfort. I had killed him? What was his presence doing lingering here. Perhaps it was his ghost? He didn’t say much nor respond to my fright. He just glared uneasily. As if to knock me back from my recovery. I wasn’t allowed to feel normal I see. In fact, I wasn’t allowed to feel anything but dread and pain.

  I brushed my hair ignoring his presence. I had little strength in me to do this however, although his glare was haunting, I was able to block him out of my sight for some time, focusing solely on the task at hand, which was to prepare myself for the day. Amy hadn’t been in that day so I merely washed and changed my top in very little time. I was frightened of the male nurses coming in. No one said anything. They’d assumed I’d showered and only smiled at me as a response. Not many people attempted making conversation with me now in the hospital. It was only Amy who seemed to continue her efforts. I liked her. She was kind, loyal, wholehearted, and down to earth. She seemed to genuinely care. I liked that about her. To me, she was a true nurse who deserved every piece of credit she got. Perhaps I could confide in her about Harry? I wasn’t sure if she’d been there yesterday to help inject me with whatever drug had been given. I hoped that she hadn’t,
I felt embarrassed at the thought that she’d possibly seen me behave in such a horrific way, shouting and screaming at the top of my lungs. I hoped she wouldn’t view me differently if she had. Maybe she was used to witnessing that behaviour though? Perhaps, it was normal in this hospital. I wasn’t sure however, I knew I could not have helped the behaviour even if I’d tried. His face glared.

  ‘What do you want from me?’ I asked. His only response was a glare again. ‘What are you? Why are you here? I thought you were dead! Are you a ghost?’ The questions raised over and over and I was only met with the same awful expression. Considering his presence, I couldn’t help but wonder why Danny hadn’t returned. Perhaps I was just seeing Harry’s ghost after all. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d seen a ghost yet, this wasn’t like seeing spirits usually. In fact, it was very different. Normally I had a sense of their presence and could feel them around me like you could a real person. Normally, they communicated with me rather than just glared. This however, was simply just a sight of him. Something that did not make sense at all. One of the nurses looked over at me after I’d spoke. I glanced her way to notice that she had her eyebrows raised. I hoped and prayed that she didn’t judge me in her mind. I thought she wouldn’t have any idea. Could she see him? I was too afraid to ask.

  My Mother hadn’t visited me at all in the length of time that I’d been here. I felt she hated me and was unforgivingly judging me. Having remembered the look on her face, I felt she wanted nothing to do with me and that as soon as I’d left the hospital I’d have nowhere to go to. I’d be on the streets. I feared this gravely. What was she thinking? Why hadn’t she contacted me? Did she even know I was here? The anxiety grew as I went through all the possibilities in my mind of what could be happening. Nothing seemed to ease the nausea I had from the constant feeling that I’d ruined my life.

  Harry stayed with me all that day, not speaking it was driving me insane. I shouted every so often at him only to be met with a glare and stares from other patients. There was nothing I could do to get rid of him, he just constantly followed me and appeared out of nowhere. No one else seemed to see him though. Something was very wrong that I just couldn’t work my head around. I felt lonely in my own company even with Harry staring. What could I do? There was nothing.

  Amy visited me the next morning, I felt I was ready to tell her. Yet again, I still couldn’t form the words nor string together any sentences. I was afraid of what she might think of me. Afraid that she’d judge me. And most of all, afraid that she wouldn’t be allowed to visit me anymore, or worse, she’d reject me. I focused on the cards that she’d brought to entertain me. The kings and jacks I had at hand in our game of blackjack. I won. Although I didn’t feel triumph, it was nice to know I could be a winner at games. Perhaps eventually, I’d win the game against Harry. Amy smiled at me and I smiled back. She was a lovely girl who really did help without even realizing it or expecting anything in return. She was like a maternal figure to me, the type I’d craved since my Mother had stopped acting it. I hoped I’d finally be able to open up to her soon. She was the first person I’d confided in about the incident at work. Yet, I hadn’t told her that it had occurred at work, nor had I told her his name or that he was there constantly glaring.

  As the day went on, my mind turned to Ricky. He hadn’t visited me since I’d been in hospital either. I wondered whether he’d gone off me having seen my state in the prison. I longed for him to come and visit me, to tell me everything would be okay and that I wasn’t stir-bat-crazy. I hoped he would explain things to me, let me know about the conversation he’d had with my Mother that day. I wished that he’d tell me secrets and help me to open up. I felt muddled in myself and isolated. I longed for someone to visit.

  Harry sat on my chair opposite me as I lay in the bed. The room seemed to enclose around us and I suddenly felt claustrophobic. He glared and laughed at the same time. His voice was strange and seemed to echo. He pinpointed that Danny was missing and I couldn’t help but become enraged at this.

  ‘WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH DANNY?!’ I yelled as Harry laughed. He’d told me that Danny was dead and that there was nothing I could do. Having switched from he was missing to he was dead, my mind was confused. ‘WHERE IS HE?!’

  ‘Why he’s buried in the ground with a nice little gravestone all handmade. Aren’t I lovely? I chiselled in the work and painted it myself.’ He claimed triumphantly.

  ‘WHERE?!’

  ‘Why now that would be telling. Remember Kat I have my sources.’

  ‘WHO?! WHAT?!’

  ‘Hahahahahahaha!’ He laughed at my dismay. I had no choice but to fight it out of him. I pounced. Only to wind myself up on the floor and realize that he was just a hologram… What was going on? Who was I? Who was he? Why was nothing real? Yet I saw him. I perceived his presence. However, he was untouchable. He wasn’t able to be hurt. I was left to suffer.

  The nurses injected me again as I was barely aware. I felt myself being lifted onto the bed. Hearing voices in the background I couldn’t quite figure out who said it. But it seemed to be an answer to my problems. ‘Psychosis.’ He’d said. ‘Call the doctor, we need her prescribed antipsychotics as soon as possible.’

  ***

  My arms felt heavy and my legs were stuck. Paralyzed to my bed I saw flying bats above my head. They watched me as I struggled to move, I felt suffocated and unable to breathe as the bats flew around. I heard cackles in the distance and watched as the old, haggard lady stirred her cauldron in front of me. ‘You’re next.’ She said and laughed. A demonic creature stood beside her, red with horns and a tail that pointed. His teeth yellow and his eyes black. Suddenly he claimed ‘I’m Danny.’ He laughed horrifically. I sighed, being fed up of all this drama I closed my eyes. It was no use. I could still see them and hear them laughing. My eyes would not close or if anything, would not erase the vision I was witnessing. I felt crowded. Immersed in fear I attempted to move, but nothing. I was stuck. I noticed strong vines holding me in place by my ankles and wrists. I hadn’t been paralyzed at all. I was drugged and strapped to the bed. I screamed. It was no use. No one could hear me and there was nothing I could do to get myself out of this situation. The demon and the witch began to approach me. I struggled for breath and attempted to wrench myself out of the green vines that were covered in ivy. Ivy. What a joke? I was strapped with ivy, so thin a stem and couldn’t break out. The strength of the plant holding me down. What was wrong with me?

  Suddenly, I woke up.

  Psychosis

  The mind is strong yet ever so weak

  To be blind and numb

  Does not make one meek

  Love and light in the brain

  Become a wizard

  Make me sane

  Love me for who I am

  It’s not my fault

  I was a mere lamb

  Save my soul, from the outside

  Cover my face, and leave me be

  It was not my fault, for he lied

  My concern grew as no one had seen Danny. I worried about his whereabouts and what he was up to. I was concerned he’d been jailed. Having been caught myself, perhaps they’d discovered Danny was involved too. I ransacked the ward for newspapers. Without asking to borrow any I took them all and scanned through them quickly. There was nothing. Nothing about our epic murder and nothing that had been discovered about Harry. My thoughts turned grave. The patients who I’d taken the newspapers from came upto me and ragged them back. ‘How dare you!’ One of the shorter girls had said with her beautiful blonde locks glimmering in the light. ‘You think you own this place? Well you don’t!’ She yelled. I said nothing, just merely stared at her in shock. I hadn’t meant to cause a fuss. I silently cried myself to sleep.

  I dreamt I was lying in a pool of blood. Not my own. I saw his limp body across the way on the grass in the field. I was on the path. I feared that someone would walk by and scream tragically. I feared that I would get caught for stabbing him. It didn’t make sense
that I was lying in his blood. What had happened? His face turned grave and then I knew. He was not dead. If anything, I was more dead than him. Perhaps the dream was a symbol of what was about to come next.

  That day was more free than the previous days I’d had. I hadn’t seen Harry and I certainly hadn’t seen Danny. I still couldn’t comprehend what was happening to me. With things no longer adding up or making sense I searched my mind to remember the details. I remembered the knife I’d thrown at him where blood spilled from his abdomen. The loud thwack it had made as I threw it which had been quite strange. I remembered there being no traces of him around and the knife that just disappeared into thin air after Danny launched it into the shrubs. It was nowhere to be seen. And of course, the gasoline and matches. When I’d broken into Harry’s house with Danny watching from afar. Tied him up with rope, chains and padlocks. Poured gasoline over him and lit a match, setting him on fire where he screamed.

  I’d wound myself in prison. Therefore, I must have done something wrong and been caught to have ended up in such a hostile place. A place where no one cared. However, I’d seen Harry since in the hospital. I hadn’t seen Danny, yet I’d seen Harry. He’d glared at me. Noticing me, following me. He had been a patient in the same hospital. Yet, to my knowledge this was a female ward only and no one else seemed to have noticed him. He could’ve been a ghost yet that just didn’t seem to add up either. I’d attempted to knock him down, only to find myself on the floor with no success. He’d been a hologram. A mere vision. I just couldn’t comprehend the circumstances.