Internal Lies

by Megan Mason

  Leaving behind my bed I entered the activity room. For once, it was silent. People seemed mesmerised within their own individual activity. Painting, jigsaws, crosswords. I scanned the room noticing more artwork. One had a picture of a man being stabbed in the abdomen. I screamed. Who knew what I’d done? Was someone trying to mock me? Suddenly, the nurses ran in to notice that it was just me. Just my loud mouth.

  ‘Kat! What’s the matter?!’ Said Dave, who I’d discovered was the nurse I’d once mistaken for Harry.

  ‘They know!’ I cried. ‘They know!’

  ‘Know what Kat? You’re in hospital, you’re not too well at the moment dear.’ He said this smoothly.

  ‘I know… but they know. They’re onto me. They’re coming after me!’ I cried.

  ‘Who Kat? Who is after you?’

  ‘His clan. His sources.’ I said sources in a rasped voice. I croaked having finished my sentence. Other patients began copying my screaming, mocking me. There was no compassion at all in this place. In fact, I began to despise it. ‘Where’s Amy?!’ I demanded.

  ‘She’s not on shift today love, she’ll be in tomorrow though.’ Smiled Dave.

  ‘That’s not good enough! I need her now! She’s my only hope!’

  ‘Unfortunately, she is unavailable right now, but you have me!’

  ‘No! NO!’ I shouted.

  ‘Kat am sorry you don’t like me, but it’s all we have right now, the other nurses are busy.’ He claimed softly.

  ‘GET AWAY FROM ME!’ Suddenly, Harry had appeared out of nowhere. He replaced Dave and began to move towards me. I kicked and screamed. I let go of everything I held and punched. A connection was made as I hit his jaw. His head plummeted backwards. I’d succeeded. ‘Don’t come near me again!’ I murmured. The other patients in the room were stunned to silence. An alarm rang as other nurses ran in to see what all the fuss was about. They must have noticed Harry on the floor as they helped him up.

  ‘You don’t hit members of staff Kat.’ Said a woman softly. ‘We’re here to help you, not take your abuse!’

  ‘He’s not a member of staff! He’s a con! He’s stolen someone’s ID badge!’

  ‘Kat that’s Dave.’

  ‘IT’S HARRY GET HIM AWAY FROM ME. GET HARRY AWAY!’

  ‘Kat… who is Harry?’

  Without thinking or being able to stop it the tears flooded. I wailed and wailed. My eyes stung from the huge commotion I’d created. Harry was the man who raped me I thought. I couldn’t say it though. I couldn’t admit it. Not to them. I needed Amy. She would understand. She would help me. She would be kind and would comfort me. Scurrying back to my bed the nurses guarded me. They sat me down and gave me a cup of tea. Although I still had my nasogastric feed, I was now able to stomach fluids. The feed was put up less now which i was glad for.

  At tea time, medication was brought round and I was given a pot with two pills. I was used to one pill and demanded to know what the other one was. ‘What’s this?’ I enquired.

  ‘Why your tablets dear.’ Replied the nurse who had asked me earlier who Harry was.

  ‘I can see that, but what is this second one. I’ve never had this before.’ The nurse sat next to me.

  ‘Now I’m going to tell you something about yourself. The doctor should have probably explained. It’s not fair for you to not know…’ She trailed off.

  ‘What is it?’ I asked in fear of what she might say.

  ‘You’re… how do I say this? You’re suffering from a condition called psychosis. Do you know what that means?’ She asked politely. I shook my head in response. ‘Well Kat, it means that you have been suffering from hallucinations and delusions. You have been seeing people who are not really there. You have been believing that people are ganging up on you. You’ve had a little bit of paranoia. You see this tablet, it is to help combat that dear.’ The nurse’s face expressed concern and she seemed to regret what she was saying.

  ‘So what tablet is it?’ I asked quietly.

  ‘It’s aripiprazole. It is known as an antipsychotic. Have you heard of it?’ I shook my head. ‘Well it’s important that you take it for your wellbeing. I hope you understand?’

  ‘Yes.’ I whispered. I downed the tablets. The sertraline and the aripiprazole. I hoped they would help. ‘Does my Mum know I’m here?’ I asked.

  ‘Why yes, she phones us every day to ask about you.’ Smiled the nurse.

  ‘Why won’t she see me?’

  ‘Well it’s hard for her at the moment with her seeing the condition you’re in. She will come soon though once you’re better. That’s why you need to keep taking your medication.’ The nurse’s voice was soothing and she smiled at me. She flipped her long black hair back and her blue eyes lit magnificently as she smiled again, moving onto the next patient.

  I was stunned at what I’d heard. Her words, although polite and kind, seemed to burn through me. Psychosis. Hallucinations and delusions? Did this mean… Wait. So, was Harry real? How long had I suffered from psychosis for? Did I have it in work? Was Harry ever a real person? Ever? Did I genuinely stalk him? What about the information I’d found with Danny online? I was gobsmacked. Was Danny even real? Was my CPN, Ricky? What was reality? I couldn’t decipher between hallucinations and reality however, a few things began to click. The hologram must have been psychosis. How did I wind up in prison though if I hadn’t killed Harry? Did I kill him? What was real? I needed to find out. I would make it my quest to discover the truth. I needed to know.

  I fell soundly asleep undisturbed that night. I didn’t remember my dream which to me, had been a good thing. Having suffered constant nightmares recently I was in no mood for another. My mind quieted and my body rested. It was the best sleep I’d had in a long time. I was happy to have an answer to my problems at least. However, it did cause more curiosity and raise more questions. What was I to do next? I needed to speak to my Mum to find out what was going on with her. I missed Ricky and longed to be discharged to have him as my CPN again. I wished for greatness, life, love, success. I hoped for the best and for everything to work out. It was all I had. All I could muster up to give me strength and courage.

  I missed the person I used to be before any of this happened. I felt that my life had been taken over by this supposed psychosis. I felt empty and blitzed. My mind ran into overdrive as I went over the events again. Not much made sense still. I hated feeling this way, not knowing. I yearned for Ricky to visit me and tell me what had happened. He seemed to have more knowledge about the situation than I had. I felt lost without him. He was the only person who offered stability now and I ached for it.

  Strangers

  The truth will come, you will see

  Pain is temporary, just a small fee

  Pay the price for your deed sir

  Tell me ‘No’ to make it fair

  Listen here, I’ve a story to tell

  My mind is wrecked, I wish to be well

  Don’t forget me if you will?

  Fragments bliss, I am but still

  Patients heaving out in the open

  I am one, but solely mopin’

  I miss you dear, it’s been so long

  Baby I don’t care, if this is wrong

  Kat spent endless days in boredom. She still wasn’t interested in the activities that went on in the hospital however, she had begun to see less of Harry as well as having nightmares less frequently. She became fixated on recovering from her mental illness and finding out the truth as to why she had been in prison and what she had done. Having spent days attempting to search her mind for the truth, Kat began to worry for the worst.

  ‘I’m afraid that I’ve killed someone.’ She said to Amy.

  ‘What makes you believe that?’ Amy asked.

  ‘I remember tying him up, soaking him in gasoline and throwing the match at him.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Harry.’ Kat said this in almost a whisper, she was still afraid to say his name. It was a ‘devil word’ as she’d called it.<
br />
  ‘Who is Harry?’ Queried Amy.

  ‘The rapist!’ Kat was shocked at herself. She’d finally come out with it and not just to anyone, to Amy. The nurse she trusted most after Ricky of course. Yet, Kat didn’t know if she would see Ricky again. Not only had she said this though, she’d shouted it.

  ‘But there’s been no news on that Kat. You have to listen to me. You did not kill anyone.’

  ‘I know there’s been nothing in the news. I was in prison though. How do we know I didn’t kill him?’

  ‘Because I know the story Kat.’

  ‘Then can you tell me?’

  ‘Your Mum has made us promise to let her tell you herself Kat. I’m afraid I can’t let you know.’

  ‘But it’s driving me insane!’

  ‘Just know that you didn’t kill anyone. You nearly did, but you didn’t.’

  ‘What…’ Kat was shocked by this remark. ‘Nearly’. What had she done? Suddenly, the tears flooded down her cheeks. She stared at the marble floor as she held her head in both hands, elbows on her knees. She hadn’t killed anyone but she nearly did. Most importantly, if it wasn’t Harry, then who?

  As Amy comforted Kat she sat with her for a good half hour. In the attempt to take Kat’s mind off things, Amy read to her some of Tennyson’s poems. Kat enjoyed poetry, in fact, she wrote a lot of poems herself. It was only a matter of time before she went the whole hog and wrote a novel. The attempt to comfort Kat was no use though. Kat had no recollection of the truth. She feared for the worst. She feared that she’d attempted to murder her mother. Perhaps that was why Laura was avoiding her? Or so it seemed she was avoiding her to Kat. Perhaps that was why Laura had vomited, had cried, had been so silent around Kat? She yearned for answers, but now was afraid to hear them also.

  He walked through the door with a big smile on his face. He couldn’t help it. He was so happy to see her again. Ricky half ran towards Kat and almost hugged her. Instead, he prised himself and straightened his posture. He sat on the chair next to her bed and beamed at her. ‘How have you been Kat?’ He asked. Kat gasped in shock to see him. She couldn’t hide her smile as her stomach fluttered.

  ‘I’m getting there Ricky!’ She cried happily.

  ‘I’m so glad to hear that.’ Ricky leaned forward towards Kat, she could smell the gel in his hair and see his silver stud sparkle in his ear. He moved a piece of hair out of her face and smiled wholeheartedly. Kat couldn’t help but notice his attire. His black t-shirt and jeans which clung to his slightly-built frame. He’d worn a parker coat to protect him from the cold weather. Not that Kat remembered much of the weather, it had been weeks since she’d been outside.

  ‘Ricky, we need to talk.’ Kat said sternly. ‘The nurse said I didn’t kill anyone but I’m sure I killed Harry. There’s nothing in the news, but I am afraid I killed him!’

  ‘I can confirm that you didn’t kill anyone Kat.’

  ‘The nurse, Amy said I nearly did though!’

  ‘Don’t worry Kat, it’s not your fault, you weren’t well.’

  ‘She says I must wait for my Mother to come to speak to me about it. She won’t tell me what I did.’

  ‘Amy is right Kat, let your Mother tell you. It’ll be better coming from her than anyone else.’ He said this very softly. Carefully tiptoeing around Kat in fear she would get mad at him. Kat fully understood what he was saying though and agreed to wait for Laura to come and tell her the truth.

  ‘I’ve missed you Kat. I was so worried about you when I saw you in the prison.’ Said Ricky.

  ‘I just want to know why I was there if I didn’t commit murder.’

  ‘I understand Kat, but trust me the time will come, your Mother contacted me the other day actually to ask me for advice on whether she should visit you. I told her it would be right for her to visit. She’s worried about you. She’s also nervous to come and see you. Seeing you in that state Kat… your Mother couldn’t cope with it. I’m sorry darling. I said I’d come a see how you were before she comes. I hope that’s okay’

  ‘No… I’m glad you came. I’ve missed you too.’ Kat whispered. She yearned to reach out and stroke his face, but she didn’t.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘I’m so glad to hear that. I shouldn’t be, but I am.’ Ricky reached out and grabbed Kat’s hand, he held it in his palms. Kat’s stomach fluttered again. It was the first time in her life that a man had shown true compassion. A genuine care, and most of all love. She let him hold her hand for a moment longer before she awkwardly pulled it back. She wasn’t sure how to act and feared that he may of been taking advantage of her vulnerability. However, as she did this he looked shocked and hurt. He quickly readjusted his expression into a smile. Kat felt it warm her and she stared into his eyes for a minute before looking away again.

  ‘I wonder what happened to Danny?’ Kat expressed her concern. ‘I haven’t seen him since the fire.’

  ‘Are you sure Danny was real Kat?’

  ‘No. I’m not… he had black circles under his eyes, long black hair and yellow nails. I never ever saw him speak to anyone else and no one ever seemed to notice him, especially with his strange attire of black shorts in the cold weather and no top.’

  ‘He doesn’t sound real darling.’ Ricky’s voice was soft.

  ‘He made plans with me to kill Harry. He encouraged me. He said it was the only way. I haven’t seen Danny since the supposed death though. In fact, I’ve seen Harry, I thought he may be a ghost but it wasn’t real.’

  ‘Have you no contact details of Danny?’

  ‘No, he just appeared through the door every so often. It was strange, as I said.’

  ‘Kat, he sounds like he was made up by your psychosis. Your Mum mentioned she heard you talking to someone at times but never ever seen anyone. He mustn't have been real. Also, with the black eyes and yellow nails, Kat it sounds demonic. It sounds like you’ve hallucinated a demon which is common in psychosis.’

  ‘Well… I did also have a dream where Danny was a demon! It makes sense actually.’

  ‘You must have been very stressed.’

  ‘Yeah…’

  ‘The thing is Kat, they haven’t been able to diagnose your underlying condition yet. Psychosis doesn’t form on it’s own, usually there is another illness to trigger psychosis especially one as severe as yours. Do you mind retaking the assessment? Answer me as truthfully as you can, I won’t judge you? I promise.’ Ricky asked compassionately.

  ‘Sure.’

  Ricky asked a lot of questions. The one’s Kat had said yes to were that she had nightmares, flashbacks of the trauma, her mood was severely low and she had panic alongside chest pains often. Ricky referred the form back to the psychiatrist, who soon came to speak to Kat.

  ‘I believe your underlying condition is PTSD. It stands for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. This means that you’ve had a traumatic experience or two in your life which causes you to feel depressed, anxious, panicked, have flashbacks, and nightmares. You mentioned to the nurses that you were raped. Has anything else traumatic happened?’

  ‘I don’t wish to talk about it… but yes.’ Kat answered truthfully.

  ‘Ahh, I understand. Now… I’ve reviewed your medication and luckily sertraline is also prescribed for PTSD. How are you doing with them?’ The psychiatrist assessed.

  ‘Well, I feel a bit better on them however, I’m still having flashbacks and nightmares.’ Kat said. Ricky raised his eyebrows, to him, Kat had been doing marvellously.

  ‘Ahh, perhaps we may need to increase the dosage of sertraline from fifty milligrams to a hundred. How would you feel about that Kat?’

  ‘Whatever you think is best doctor. I don’t want to suffer no more.’

  ‘I think it’s best we increase it. Were you taking your medication at home?’

  ‘I believe I forgot.’

  ‘Okay well we may need to obtain a support worker for you to visit you and assist with the medication.’ With that the
psychiatrist left the room and documented the increased dosage for Kat. She felt relieved now knowing what was wrong with her.

  The assessment had seemed quick although it had taken an hour and a half to complete. The diagnosis was straightforward. Kat had wondered whether all mental health diagnoses were that quick. However, Kat forgets that she was being monitored for a few weeks with her behaviours by the nurses. Kat didn’t realize that her condition was already estimated.

  Kat stared at the floor, avoiding eye contact with Ricky. She felt a little ashamed to have had him witness her at her worst and find out her condition. Ricky only attempted to soothe her through chattering away about how great it was that she’d now been diagnosed and that they could form a care plan. Kat wondered how long Ricky would stay. Usually their time together lasted only an hour however, Ricky had currently stayed for two hours. Then it dawned on her. It was the weekend, a Saturday to be precise. Why was Ricky visiting her out of hours? Did the office know that he was here? Was he overstepping the boundaries? Kat worried for his job yet, she couldn’t help but relish in the fact that Ricky had come to see her. She selfishly wished for him to visit every day.

  About an hour later Ricky left. He promised to speak to Laura about Kat’s condition being better and beg her to come and visit Kat to tell her the truth. Kat felt relieved having seen Ricky and she was in a more positive frame of mind. Ricky hadn’t judged her nor treated her different. He was still kind and caring and showed his appreciation for her. Kat appreciated him even more for this. She felt he understood her and would be able to help her through her condition as her CPN.

  Stability