Internal Lies

by Megan Mason

  Falling from heaven

  She was cast out at seven

  The angel faced girl

  Has now gained a pearl

  Looking forwards

  She moves towards

  A knight in shining armour

  Who is but a charmer

  She seeks the blessing

  Yet keeps him guessing

  Although he is the one

  She finds it hard not to be gone

  Having been on the medication over the past few weeks, it was now January. Kat was more settled in herself and soon she would be discharged. She no longer had to be fed through her nose as she was now eating solid foods and drinking plenty. Laura had visited shortly a few times but had not plucked up the courage to tell Kat what had happened. Kat hadn’t the courage to ask either, she was afraid of the answers. Damien, although concerned for his sister, kept his distance. It wasn’t unusual however, he did often ask about her.

  One morning, Laura came to the hospital grounds to see her daughter. It was a snowy day and the sky was white, matching the earth. The birds were nowhere to be seen and the buildings glistened with the snow. Laura had brought a roast for her daughter to eat that evening. She left the gravy separate and asked the nurses to store it in the fridge for her. Laura entered the room where Kat resided. She started her usual chit chat asking how she was.

  ‘I really need to know Mum… what did I do?’ Said Kat sadly.

  ‘I’m not sure you should know.’ Surveyed Laura.

  ‘I think it’s best I know, at least so as I know to not ever let myself slip again like that as long as I can help it.’

  ‘Well… you know you didn’t kill anyone.’

  ‘Yes, that I’m aware of.’

  ‘You did however…’ Laura hesitated. ‘You threw a knife at Damien.’ Laura was remote in her speech. Kat gasped. ‘You were saying something about him owing you. It didn’t quite make sense. Although, I’m sure you had your reasons for wanting to kill your brother.’

  ‘I didn’t know it was him!’ Kat squealed.

  ‘It’s lucky that it missed and hit the radiator.’

  ‘So that’s what that loud bang was.’

  ‘Yes Damien tried to stop you, he screamed no.’

  ‘I remember the no, although I didn’t recognise the voice.’

  ‘I couldn’t look at you or even speak to you for a long time. I was frightened you’d try to kill me. You would make me tea and I’d vomit if you’d smile thinking you were attempting to poison me.’

  ‘Oh Mum!’ Cried Kat. ‘I’d never do that.’

  ‘I was frightened of you Kat. I knew you were ill though it wasn’t your fault. I never called the police the first time however, I did speak to Ricky about it. I never told him the full extent but I did mention that you had been talking to yourself. He said he would try to assess you again but it was too late before you burned the house down!’

  ‘I what?!’

  ‘You tied up the statue of Santa that we had, do you remember it?’

  ‘I remember the Santa with his fur coat, the tall figurine that stood in the corner of the living room.’

  ‘Yes well, you tied it up with rope and chains, you must’ve poured a flammable liquid on it and set it on fire.’

  ‘Gasoline…’ Kat whispered.

  ‘I couldn’t handle you at home anymore so I called the police. They arrested you and took you into the station cell until they could find you a placement within a hospital. You weren’t safe to be out of a secured environment. I’m so glad you’re doing better though. I hope you never slip away from me again.’

  Kat was shocked by all of this, she hadn’t realized what she’d done. She felt miserable with herself, guilty for hurting her own family. She thought she’d known herself better than that. Yet, it wasn’t her fault, as Ricky said, she had been ill. Kat adjusted herself nervously on the seat, she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She was flabbergasted.

  ‘So, what do I do now? The nurses said I’m getting discharged in a few days.’

  ‘Well, you’re going to come home, aren’t you? Restart your life?’

  ‘I feel so lost Mum, I can’t believe what’s happened.’

  ‘Don’t worry Kat, we forgive you. Including Damien.’

  ‘I… I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘Don’t say anything.’ Laura hugged her daughter and made an excuse to leave. She herself couldn’t believe that she’d finally told her daughter what she’d done. As she left though, she turned and said, ‘I only ever tried to do my best for you and Damien.’ With that she left. Kat couldn’t help the tears flow. She was appalled with herself. Maybe her Mum had been right in that Damien hadn’t meant things the way they’d seemed. Kat would have to speak to Damien herself to find out what he thought about it all. To try and gain an understanding. Kat hoped she’d be able to forgive Damien one day, at least it still seemed that he cared about his sister.

  Kat dwelled on the conversation she’d had with her mother. She’d nearly killed her brother and set the house on fire. Well, not the whole house at least, Kat remembered extinguishing the fire before it got too bad. She had however caused a lot of damage in the home. She hoped that Laura had enough money to pay for the repairs as Kat certainly didn’t. Laura had tried to help Kat with her psychosis, she never judged her, never hated her. Not like Kat had thought. In fact, her mother cared so much about her that it had destroyed her to see Kat in the mess she was in.

  Where had Kat been though when she was stalking Harry was the next question. No one seemed to know or be able to fill in them gaps. Kat worried that she’d gotten herself into more trouble without realizing it.

  Ricky sat down. Kat went over the conversation she’d had with her mother that day. Ricky listened. ‘It wasn’t your fault Kat. I told your Mum that.’

  ‘I know but I can’t help but feel that it is. Who else is to blame?’

  ‘The people that caused this illness.’

  ‘I can’t just blame all my actions on them!’

  ‘No, but you didn’t know Kat, you weren’t in the right frame of mind. You didn’t know what you were doing.’

  ‘I should really take responsibility for my actions.’

  ‘Now… don’t go beating yourself up about it, you’ll ruin the progress you’ve made Kat. You’re being discharged in a few days, don’t worry. I’m here for you.’ Ricky stroked Kat’s cheek slowly, gazing into her eyes. ‘May I?’ He whispered. The curtains had been drawn around the bed space however, the nurses had spotted him wearing his lanyard.

  Before they knew it, Kat leaned forward and delicately brushed her lips against his. It was magical. Ricky pressed further against her mouth as he deepened the kiss. He was surprised that Kat had let him. He worried he was pushing it too far. He leaned back. Kat’s eyebrows raised. ‘I’m sorry.’ He said.

  ‘Why?’ Asked Kat, who was still dazed from the previous moment.

  ‘I took it too far.’ He said. ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘I’ve longed for that kiss for a long time Ricky. Please don’t take it away.’ He smiled wholeheartedly and pecked her again.

  ‘I love you Kat… I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I’m in love with you.’ Ricky bowed his head to the floor with shame after he said this. Kat was stunned, he was wearing his heart on his sleeve and Kat had the option whether to grab it or destroy it.

  ‘I love you too.’ She whispered. It was a moment of bliss before the nurse Dave came in and ruined it.

  ‘Are you supposed to be here?’ Queried Dave.

  ‘Why I’m visiting my patient.’ Claimed Ricky.

  ‘Yes, but you’re not authorized to visit, here are you?’

  ‘How do you know?’

  ‘You care for Katrina in the community, not in the hospital. I suggest you go.’ Kat was disappointed and her heart skipped a beat. Ricky stood up and glared at Dave, but he left. Kat worried that Dave had heard their conversation and would report Ricky, causing him to lose
his job. Ricky was a tough man who could get employed anywhere though. However, Kat prayed that she wouldn’t be the one to hold him back.

  Kat stepped into the activity room and clicked on the computer. She continued writing a poem she had not yet finished from the previous day. This had become her new therapy. Having been engaging in activities lately, Amy was no longer required to sit with Kat. She was proud of Kat though and how well she’d improved. She’d congratulated her on Kat’s first day in the activity room. She had been working with the psychologists to get her feelings out who suggested that she write down her thoughts in any form that mattered to her. Kat was talented at this many people had commented on her great use of vocabulary and rhymes. Her use of metaphors and similes. Her use of onomatopoeia. Kat was improving greatly now. The medication had been working and the psychologists had done their jobs well. She’d received excellent care.

  The love she had grown for writing again was extraordinary. She wrote poem after poem, eventually collecting one-hundred of them. She categorised them into genres of love, fantasy, thrillers, and horrors. It made her happy to see her success. She planned to publish them in the future some time.

  Damien visited the next afternoon. He brought cakes in for his sister. She glanced at him, not sure what to say. He sat down nervously. There was approximately five minutes of silence between the two of them until Damien chimed, ‘so, how are you?’ Just like that the conversation began. They chattered about the weather and their mother, about Damien’s job.

  ‘I have to ask…’ Kat said. ‘Why did you do it?’

  ‘I knew one day this day would come. And I know I owe you an explanation.’ He hesitated. ‘The thing is Kat, I’m not sure why I did anything I did back then. I wasn’t thinking straight. All I can do is apologise and hope that you’ll forgive me one day. I truly am sorry to have been a part of the cause of all this. Because of what I did to you. It was wrong and I’m sorry.’ Damien had been sincere in his apology. Kat could tell by the expression he held on his face. His dark hair pushed aside so she could see clearly that he was honest.

  ‘I don’t know what to say.’ She said. ‘It really did hurt me, I just wish you could give me an explanation so i can understand.’

  ‘I really wish I could give myself one too.’

  ‘I’m really sorry for attempting to kill you by the way.’ Said Kat sarcastically. Damien laughed. ‘It wasn’t your fault, you didn’t know what you were doing. To be honest, I’d love to kill the bastard who raped you myself!’

  ‘How do you know about that?!’

  ‘Mum told me. Apparently, you told her.’

  ‘I don’t remember that?!’

  ‘Then God knows how she knows.’

  The two of them sat in silence for some time. It was magnificent to hear Damien apologise, although it did still haunt Kat and probably always will. Without an explanation, it was difficult to comprehend what had happened. Yet, he didn’t have one. He was genuine in everything he said to her too. Therefore, Kat couldn’t call him out as a liar. They engaged in a game with cards as Damien settled there for some time. The two of them laughing at each other's jokes. Damien was different now Kat thought. He was bubbly, sarcastic however, did have a strange sense of humour. Accepting what had happened was the past, Kat decided she would forgive Damien and move forward. This was a big step for her as she had spent so many years resenting Damien. However, looking at him now, he was almost like a normal human being. He was her brother. How could she let his life be ruined by a few mistakes? Damien told his sister that he loved her, as a sister. He also had come out gay. Kat was happy for him and wished him the best in his life. She felt renewed in herself as if she was beginning a new chapter of life.

  Unprofessional

  Who cares for light when love is here?

  Who cares for work when love is near?

  Who dreams of solitude, when we love another?

  Would you dismiss your career for her?

  Would you reject your job and care?

  Would you take the chance?

  You know she’s yours and always will

  You know she’s cried but awaits still

  You know she’s the one for you

  Miss her not, in the rain

  Miss her not, she is your gain

  Miss her not, she’s yours forever

  Finally, she was discharged from hospital and sent home. The house had been repaired of the damage, so there were no signs that Kat had ever had a break down. She helped her mother take down the Christmas decorations which she’d missed. However, her gifts were still there wrapped neatly. She opened them to find she had been give a new deck of tarot cards, incense, candles, books, and perfumes. Kat smiled triumphantly, ‘thank you so much Mum!’

  Ricky knocked at the door unexpectedly. Kat opened it to her surprise. ‘I’ve lost my job.’ He said plainly.

  ‘What?!’ Cried Kat. ‘It’s all my fault, I’m so sorry!’

  ‘No Kat, it’s my own fault. I love you, I fell for you. I don’t care about my job, I care about you. I hope you’ll say yes.’ He got down on one knee.

  ‘Oh God no, don’t do this.’ She cried.

  ‘Will you be my girlfriend?’ He laughed taking hold of her hands.

  ‘Oh my God! Of course!’ Kat jumped into his arms and hugged him tightly. Over the moon, she kissed him emphatically. He kissed back.

  ‘How did they find out?’ Queried Kat.

  ‘The nurse Dave at the hospital reported me, he’d overheard our conversation!’

  ‘Fuck him! What will you do now?’

  ‘Well… I hope you don’t mind Kat, but I’ve always dreamed of joining the Navy. I signed up today! I have an interview next week and a test.’

  ‘Wow… that’s great! But won’t you be away all the time?’

  ‘Only through the week babe.’ He said smoothly.

  Although Kat would miss Ricky when he worked, she was delighted for him having stepped in the right direction of his dreams. A few months later, Ricky bought a house in Liverpool for Kat to live in whilst he worked away and spent weekends there. Kat immersed herself in her writing full time and published her first novel. She was ecstatic and over the moon to have her work being read by others. Although, she wasn’t making much money from it yet, it had been a great step forward from where she had been at the bottom. She could no longer work in care having been arrested and sectioned within the hospital. She did however begin looking at options in careers. She considered going to university to do English Literature. It was something she’d have to decide.