Every Single Heartbeat

by Abbye J Leen

  When my downward movements meet his upwards thrusts, intense waves of pleasure take over my mind and body completely. I run my fingers through his hair and hold him even closer as I bite and suck onto his neck, where his favorite tattoo of mine stands out ever, so beautifully. I notice the goosebumps on his skin, as I keenly listen to his heartbeat speed up and his moans become louder.

  He hoarsely whispers to me how crazy I’m driving him and how breathtaking it is to make love to me and me only. He moves his arms underneath mine and holds tightly onto my shoulders, as he keeps pumping his hips upwards, to follow my every move. As the pleasure within us keeps growing, we go at it faster, in a frantic and insatiable manner. A warm sensation builds up in my chest and starts spreading all over my body and a wonderful and intense orgasm slowly takes over every single inch of me. The pleasure that he’s making me feel is intense and immeasurable. It’s the type of pleasure that can only be felt with your one and true soulmate. Moments after I’m finished, he follows, filling my insides up with his tepid fluid, still holding me tight and close.

  ***

  Noah left for four days ago and he’s supposed to be back tomorrow, so I’m pretty excited about that. We spoke on the phone just before the match started and obviously, that was a match that they won.

  In two days, I’ll be attending my very first MoMA exhibition and I’m incredibly excited about it. They’re going to be presenting three of my best works, one of which, of course, will be portraying a now much younger Noah wearing his UCLA’s football uniform. That’s always been my favorite piece and the fact it never missed any of the exhibits that I’ve had the honor to participate at, automatically also makes it my lucky charm. I walk up to the large, opulent French-door in our bedroom, to fully admire the wonderful panorama surrounding us. I’ve always dreamed about living in New York, I’ve always been very much enamored with the idea of it, but I never thought that I’d actually end up doing it, especially not with such a wonderful boyfriend and yet… here we are.

  I remember well when he asked me to move in, I was still in the hospital back then, he seemed much more nervous and uneasy than usual that day. He simply looked at me and all at once, holding his breath, he said:

  "I didn’t want to do this here, but I have no other option so I’m just going to go for it. For months now, I’ve been planning to move to New York with you. I bought an apartment with my agent’s help, I got it furnished and on the day of the assault... well, that was the day I was going to ask you to move in with me. I haven’t had the chance to touch the subject again ever since then, so I’m asking you now, Ellie, will you move in with me? You’re all I want and need. You're my reason to live and in the last few weeks, you’ve done nothing but prove that to me once again. Without you I am nothing, so please, come live with me in New York, please. I am asking you from the very bottom of my heart"

  He spoke fast and agitatedly, I’d never seen him so anxious, so worried to get a ‘No’ for an answer. I recall clearly how happy and overjoyed I felt, sure my heart might have skipped a couple of beats, but it was definitely worth it. I know that we’ve only been living here for a month and we’re already fighting every other day but it doesn’t matter. None of it matters, because the love I have for him goes beyond any love I’ve ever heard described. It goes beyond everything and everyone. I simply love him with my whole heart and with him, I feel alive. So, incredibly alive.

  I take look at the photos of us hanging on the walls of our bedroom: in one of those we’re on Noah’s motorbike by the sea, glowing hues of red blended with oranges, purples, crimsons surrounding us. We were barely sixteen back then and even if we weren’t a couple yet, you could already tell that something was up between us. The photo I’m looking at now was taken by Emily, we were at Drive-in that day. It’s Noah and I leaning against a pastel-green vintage car, he’s got his arms wrapped around my waist and his face resting on my shoulder. We’re looking at each other and smiling, as the wind lightly moves my hair.

  Then there’s another one, in which we’re forehead to forehead, laughing and looking directly into each other’s eyes... I can’t remember who took that one, but I do know that it’s one of my favorites.

  I get up and go check out what Emily’s up to. She's been here for three days now and one thing in particular seems to have caught her attention: Andreea. They look like they get along quite well and if something were to click between those two, I wouldn’t mind it at all, because then I’d always have my best friend around. As I’m walking to the kitchen, I hear the sound of their laughter and I can’t help but smile. Agnese greets me with a smile, while Andreea gets into Bodyguard-mode, straightening up like a soldier.

  "Relax Andreea, Noah isn’t back yet" I say. He smiles, although the way he’s standing remains the same.

  "So, what does my favorite artist say if we go watch a movie tonight?" Asks Emily.

  "Ooh, I’m in!" I say, winking at her.

  I check my phone to see if there’s any news from Noah, but so far still nothing and that makes me frown a bit. It’s not likely of him to disappear. I should probably give him a call... and so I do. He picks up on the first ring, but his voice sounds strange. Something’s wrong, I can feel it.

  "Hey, what's going on?" I ask, walking out of the kitchen.

  "Ellie, my... my father"

  "What about him?" I ask, alarmed.

  "The police found his corpse. He’s... he’s dead."

  I’m speechless. I know that Noah had quite a shitty relationship with his father but still, he’s the man who raised him, the one he grew up with.

  "I'm sorry love. I wish I was there with you"

  "As do I. It feels weird, you know? I was always so busy hating him for all the shitty things he’d done to our family and yet... I feel sick at heart, knowing that he died alone"

  "How did it happen?"

  "He had a stroke in his new house in North Carolina. Nobody else was there when it happened" he whispers.

  "I'm sorry, Noah. I really am"

  "I’ll never be like him, I... I could never even dream of hurting you. I want to protect you, until the day I die and when we’ll have a family all of our own, I’ll protect our children too. I want them to grow up to feel safe with me, the way I couldn’t with him."

  "Noah please, don’t compare yourself to him, you're your own person. I know you’d never hurt me or our future, very, very future children" I say and he chuckles, as my desire to see him grows stronger.

  "I love you Ellie. Every single beat of my heart belongs to you and you only." he says, making my heart skip a beat.

  Ellie

  48

  Noah, Emily, Nolan and I are roaming around the MoMA exhibition. Tomorrow morning, we’ll all be going to go to North Carolina and that’s stressing me out a lot. Having to watch Noah fight his demons won’t be an easy thing to do, for sure.

  Him and I walk in silence, hand in hand: He looks for my paintings, while I look for a way to make him feel less like shit tomorrow. From the outside he seems unbothered by the situation, completely undisturbed, but deep inside of him there’s a war going on, I’m sure of it.

  He continues to carefully examine the paintings, trying to guess which ones are mine. I haven’t shown him any yet, it still feels award to have him look at my art, although I’m not completely sure why that is, since in his eyes I’m always good at everything… it’s just that in all of my pieces I portray so many of my weaknesses and Noah would see through them straightaway, no doubts about it.

  As we walk by the first one of my portraits, he stops, then smiles.

  "This one’s never missing, huh?" he says, with pride.

  "Never ever"

  "I still remember the way I felt when I looked at it for the first time, four years ago. The exhibition’s theme was "The closest thing to your heart" and when I saw myself exposed, representing that for you, my heart leaped. I remember we also had a fight that day, like pretty much every day - he specifies, laughing - but
it didn’t matter, neither to you, nor to me, because there’s simply not a thing or person in the entire universe that can ever pull us apart and we both know it. We always have."

  "It will always be you, the closest thing to my heart" I whisper close to his ear, as my sight falls on my favorite tattoo. He smiles warmly, as we continue to walk around. Emily and him start a discussion over an abstract piece, they’re wondering what the point of it is: ’Anybody can sketch on a white canvas, but that doesn’t necessarily make it art’ - they say - and I, in response, can’t help but giggle.

  "Hey, what happened to Nolan’s girlfriend?" I ask Noah.

  He shrugs, then says: "I’m not sure you’re the one he’d usually speak to about this sort of stuff"

  "I know and I feel guilty about it, but I just can’t talk to him they way I used to anymore"

  "Baby you don’t have to justify yourself, besides I never really liked the way he’d buzz around you, so maybe it’s better this way" he says. I smile, feeling reassured, then pull him closer to give him a sweet kiss on the lips.

  "This calls for a celebration, I mean, it was always one of your biggest wishes to work here at MoMA and now, here you are, you’ve made it!”

  "Noah, it doesn't matter. There’s much more important stuff going on right now"

  "Don’t worry about that Ellie, ok? You know who my father was, after all"

  "Yes but he was still your father and that’s a good enough reason not to go out partying this evening. That and the fact that we’ll be attending his funeral tomorrow"

  "Come on Ellie, we deserve some quiet... we deserve some peace and stability in our lives"

  I sigh because I know that what he’s saying is fair, but still, I can’t stop feeling guilty.

  "Alright" I say at last, trying to force a smile.

  ***

  The club we’re at is crowded, so Andreea’s constantly looking around, almost obsessively and that’s making me anxious. I’d much rather have him talk to Emily instead of doing his job and I’m pretty he wouldn’t mind that either.

  "Noah, wouldn’t it be better if he just relaxed a little?" I ask, indicating Andreea.

  "We're in a crowded place and he’s simply doing what he’s being paid for. He’s not here to ‘relax’"

  "I know, but he’s got a thing going on with Emily and tonight would be such a good occasion for them to get to know each other better"

  "Ellie please, he’s your bodyguard, not your friend! He’s here to avoid bad things happening to you again, try and keep that in mind”

  I sigh disconsolately and take another sip of my non-alcoholic cocktail, as Noah gently brushes my hair behind my ear, keeping his eyes fixed on mine. He’s looking at me as if he wanted to apologize for the way he spoke to me, but in this case there’s nothing really to be sorry for. He’s right, he’s simply right about everything... I should just stop worrying about everything and everyone.

  "May I have this dance, m’lady? He asks.

  "Gladly" I reply, grabbing the hand he’s stuck out for me. I look at him leading the way to the dancefloor, holding my hand tightly as if it was a precious belonging. The dark jeans and blue shirt he’s got on beautifully outline his broad shoulders and perfectly sculpted biceps, making him look even more handsome than usual tonight.

  I can’t help thinking about how blessed I am to have him as a boyfriend and about how safe and protected I always feel in those big, strong arms of his.

  We keep dancing to the sound of music, I seem to be doing pretty well whereas Noah, well, he’s trying. He holds me close as I voluptuously shake my hips against him and then looks at me, with a sly smile on his face. He knows that I’m trying to provoke him and mine is a provocation that he’s definitely not indifferent to, I can feel it.

  People keep crowding around us, the place is even messier and confusing than it was already, but it doesn’t matter, because nothing at all can distract me from him. We continue moving our bodies sinuously against one another, keeping up rhythmically with the loud, percussive beat. Noah takes possession of my lips, kissing me savagely and driving me utterly crazy with desire, then licks his fingers and slowly slides them under my skirt, making me freeze for a moment. I look at him and he looks back at me, alluringly, inviting me to play along. He swiftly moves my thong out of the way and the moment he starts playing with my clit, I’m taken over by a wave of pleasure so powerful, that it makes me tilt my head backwards. Noah immediately holds me back up using his free hand, then takes over my lips again, moving his fingers faster and slipping them inside of me every now and then, to keep them warm and wet. The more he kisses me and the more touches me, the closer I’m about to explode. It’s so fucking exciting and at the same time scary, to be so close to orgasming amongst all these people. I don’t know whether I want him to stop or keep going, but it looks like he’s taken that decision for me: "Come to me baby, nobody will know", he whispers and that’s all I need. His fingers inside me, his warm breath against me... that’s more than enough for me to feel the earth move. I cling harder onto him, keeping my face buried deeply into his neck, that I’m sucking and biting on, as a sweet, profound orgasm takes over my body, mind and soul.

  "Absolutely outstanding" he admits.

  I can’t believe I’ve actually done this.

  Noah

  49

  North Carolina

  I never thought that this is how I’d wind up feeling in front of my father’s lifeless body. After all he’s put our family through, I never though, I’d be grieving and feeling sorrow and yet, that’s just how it is. I can’t explain why, I just want all of this to end, I want all of this to be wiped out of my mind entirely.

  Mom and I are standing in front of him, while Ellie and the others are waiting outside. The only reason I didn’t ask her to come with me, is because I didn’t want her to have to witness this, it would have upset her too much, I’m sure of it.

  "He wasn't always like that, you know?" says mom, interrupting my thoughts. We've never talked about this before, about why exactly my father turned into a monster at some point in his life.

  "I don't care" I reply. I'm not going to feel any worse over a man who put me through nothing but pain and anguish.

  "He was a good guy when we first met. I know we’ve never really touched the subject before, but I think it’s time for you to know that your father used to resemble you a lot, back in the days. What happened to him afterwards changed him though, inside and out. It was bound to, indisputably and there was simply nothing anyone could do about it"

  "I don't want to hear any of this bullshit, Mom. People can’t just turn into monsters like that, from one day to the other"

  "Don’t you dare speak about him that way, Noah. He’s still your father and you still need to pay him respect" she says, sternly. I can’t believe it, I can’t believe her words. How is she seriously asking me to pay respect to a man who’s never had an ounce of it for either of us, ever?

  I wish I could tell her that, I wish I could tell her the way I really feel, but I remain silent, grinding my teeth instead.

  My mother looks at me, then continues to talk:

  "It was a night like many others and dad was on patrol with one of his colleagues, a very close friend of his, they’d known each other ever since they were small. They had been called to stop a theft in one of Venice's least reputable neighborhoods that evening, they didn’t really think much of it at the time, they thought that they’d find themselves dealing with something small, like a teenager trying to steal booze or something, but they were way off track.

  When they reached the place, what they found was a clerk, standing still with a gun pointed at his head. The robber was a drug addict in desperate need of money and when the victim told him that he had no way to access the cash register, because he wasn’t the owner, he just wouldn’t believe him. It was a very hot day that day, I still remember it well, a lot of people had gone out to the beach, in fact the store’s daily revenue was quite
scarce.

  Dad did try to make the guy reason, he offered him the opportunity to get a job, the chance to live a better life... had he only put the gun down, but just as he spoke, something made his head turn and that’s when it all happened. We’re still not entirely sure what exactly it was that startled him, all we know is that the bullet your father missed, went straight into Enea’s head.

  What my point is Noah, is that a guilty conscience can and will change you to the core, irreparably."

  "That’s not a good enough reason for me to either forgive or pity him. He might have been his friend, sure, but we were his family. All he’d ever do is get drunk, teat us like old rags and beat us relentlessly... you in particular.

  Come on, you seriously thought I hadn’t figured it out, yet? You seriously thought I couldn’t hear him abuse you? You thought I couldn’t hear you, late at night, crying and begging him to ‘stop’?

  "Noah..."

  "What, mom? I did feel relieved to some extent, when he ran away a couple of years back, but I was never really able to put my guard down entirely. I was terrified, knowing that he was still out there, ready to strike again, ready to screw our lives up even more. Yes he might have been my father, but I'm glad that he died, because we no longer have to live in fear now"

  I can see pain coming out of her eyes as I speak and I'm sorry, because I didn’t mean for my words to hurt her, but what I said was the truth.

  ***

  I’m chilling outside on the hotel’s veranda, pondering over things, as a bitter, amber liquid slowly slides down my throat. Nolan and Ellie are chatting nearby, although she doesn’t look as outgoing and carefree as usual: ever since she was assaulted, she’s been finding it really hard to feel at ease around people. She’s much more scrupulous and detached now, with Nolan as well to my surprise. They’re nowhere near as close as they used to be and I think that’s good actually, I mean, it’s no secret that I want her all to myself. I loosen up my tie a little, continuing to watch them, when suddenly Nolan moves his hand up to her face. Slowly he caresses her cheek, which makes my blood boil entirely, so I get up immediately and head straight towards them, noticing how very uneasy Ellie seems after that gesture. I wrap my arms around her waist and look at her perplexed, she looks back at me and smiles, but something feels off... Maybe it was a mistake to bring her here.