Every Single Heartbeat

by Abbye J Leen

  "Are you all right?" I ask and she nods, timidly clutching to me.

  "I want to get back inside, I need to lie down a minute" she replies, nervous and out of breath. I wonder whether Nolan’s got anything to do with this, but no sign of that transpires from him whatsoever.

  "Sure, here’s the key. I’ll join you right away" I say and she nods, before walking away.

  I lean against the wooden railing nearby and get lost in my thoughts, staring at the ocean. I wonder how my father even wound up here, in a place that aside from everything else, is also quite splendid.

  "Are you alright, man?" Asks Nolan.

  "Yeah, I’m fine"

  "I know you two didn’t exactly have the best father-son relationship, but still, I also know that this mustn’t be easy for you”

  "Yeah, I've seen worse thought" I admit, thinking about Ellie’s assault.

  "I know"

  "I know you know and Nolan… I just wanted to say thank you. I don’t think I’ve ever told you this but, the night Ellie and I got into a relationship, well, that was only thanks to you. Without you, without your blessing, I never would have found the guts to ask her out. Although you always had a crush on her, you still encouraged me to go for it and I can’t but thank you once again for that, honestly, because she’s the girl of my life and I am nothing without her"

  "There’s no need to thank me, both of you are like family to me. I don’t see how I could have done any differently" concludes he.

  I look at him: he’s a bit more manly and a bit more confident, but underneath it all he’s still his good, old self. He’s still Nolan, the one friend I can always count on and the only one I’ve ever trusted. I raise my glass, inviting him to do the same.

  'To eternal friendship" I say.

  'To eternal friendship and to us" he confirms, as we cheer.

  I gulp down all that’s left of my drink at once, thinking about the cornerstones of my existence: Nolan and Ellie. I also think about how from now on, I’ll finally be a bit more at peace, because with today ends one of the worst chapters of my life: the one regarding my father.

  About an hour has gone by now and I’m still sitting outside, completely absorbed in my thoughts. Nolan’s left a little while ago, but I’ve decided to stay here a bit longer to just, enjoy the silence. Silence always makes me think about things that I wish I could avoid thinking about, things such as the death of a loved one, for instance. I can't exactly say that I loved my father, but neither can I say I didn’t.

  In silence, I also often think about Ellie. I worry about her a lot, I worry about all the risks that she’s constantly exposed to and I worry about bad things happening to her again. I haven’t told her yet but at night, I can no longer sleep. I keep thinking about her lying half-dead on the ground, I keep thinking about Emily right next to her, completely drenched in blood, as she attempts to keep her alive... these images keep tormenting my mind, they have been for months now and I can’t get rid of them. I’ve tried to, God knows how much I’ve tried but I just keep on failing.

  I sigh, as I try to stop my heart from aching, as I try to stop the pain I feel every single time that I think about what they did to her. I pray to God, if he’s real, that he helps her recall the events that took place that day, I need to know exactly who and what she saw to keep her safe.

  I never ask her about the recovery process, I wouldn’t want to upset or stress her any further. I know how bad she feels about being unable to remember and I know that she’s doing the best she can already. I look up in the sky, so immense and extraordinary and sigh once again, as the sea breeze softly sweeps along my skin.

  "Hey, champ" Emily says, sitting down on the same deck chair where Nolan sat earlier.

  "Hey"

  After a few moments of silence, it is she who breaks it.

  "How do you do it? How do you live with it? I swear, every time I see her, every time I look at her… I feel dead inside. I thank God that she survived, although what I saw that night still tortures my mind to this day and I can’t make it stop"

  There’s a lot of anguish in her voice as she speaks, it’s palpable. Emily truly became a trusted friend for me that night, a friend who now shares with me the most tragic of memories.

  "Truth is, I don’t. I may still be living, but I haven’t felt alive since. I’m can’t sleep for more than two or three hours in a row anymore and when I have to leave for work, it’s a literal nightmare"

  "Do you think we'll ever get over what happened? Do you think she ever will?"

  "With Ellie it’s a lot more difficult to say, for now at least. The fact that she has no memory whatsoever of that day makes it seem ‘less real’ to her, even if the wounds on her body prove otherwise"

  "Yeah, you’re right. Honestly, if remembering what happened means that she’s gonna have to feel the same way as us, if not a lot worse, then I hope she never does. On the other hand, I can’t help but wish that something triggered it all back as soon as possible, it would be an enormous relief, to finally know who it was... There are consequences to be paid."

  She's right, she’s absolutely right about everything.

  "Have you ever had any suspicions about who might have done it or why?"

  "Yes and I even talked to Ellie about it, but it was useless because she can’t remember anything, nothing at all, not even one single detail. If I were to take a guess, I’d point my finger at Moreno. I mean think about it, he’d always pop-up out of nowhere, he’d always find her anywhere she went, no matter where or how far it was. Who better than him knew both the campus and our time-schedules so well? I gotta tell you Noah, he’s always given me the creeps"

  "I wish I could kill the person who did it with my own two hands"

  "I get where you’re coming from, but if you were to do that you’d get into so much trouble and Ellie would end up suffering even more than she is already. Anyway, we’ve been talking in a normal and civil manner for way too long now and it’s starting to feel weird, so I’ll be on my way to say bye to your girlfriend. Jokes aside, I really hope that the both of you can relax a little, at least while you’re here, in a place so wonderful"

  I nod and after thanking her once again, for saving the person whose life makes mine worth living, I say bye to her and watch her leave.

  Ellie

  50

  I’ve been having flashbacks of that day ever since this morning. There’s a distant voice that I’m still unable to distinguish, I see a pair of white shoes and a grey shirt or t-shirt, then... chino shorts, red I think, or maybe they were bloodstained.

  Fear, oppression, negative emotions and a knot in the stomach.

  The image of the blade, mercilessly piercing through my hip.

  A pang in my heart. The lights going off.

  I keep walking nervously around the room, taken over by discomfort and anxiety. Noah’s still outside, I’m not sure where Emily is and Andreea’s here in the room with me. He’s looking at me with a thoughtful expression on his face and I’m pretty sure that’s because he’s figured out something’s worrying me. All of a sudden somebody knocks at the door, making me jump out of my skin, Andreea walks over to check out who it is and then opens up. Emily enters, the two of them greet each other with a friendly kiss on the cheek and a reciprocated sweet smile. Ever since we graduated, she’s gotten even more beautiful and maybe that’s because her new workplace allows no sort of piercings or extravagancies whatsoever. Not that her old look didn’t suit her, but this new one does better.

  "So, how are you doing?" She asks me.

  How am I doing? I don't know, I have no idea.

  "I'm fine" I lie.

  "Ellie I’ve known you for a while now and I know that’s a lie. You’re agitated and very worried, too!”

  I look into her eyes for a moment, then hold her hand and nervously pull her into the bedroom with me.

  "That afternoon, when you left to go to the game… was I on my own back then?"

  "Yes, I’m cert
ain of it"

  "Okay... and after how long did you come looking for me?"

  "I thought you were in the V.I.P. area at first to stay closer to Noah, but at the end of the fist quarter, he came up to me, told me that he couldn’t find you anywhere and started begging me to find you, so that’s when the search started. It must have been around twenty or thirty minutes later.

  "I’ve been seeing images of that day ever since this morning, I could discern a person wearing white shoes and a grey top. I also remembered I had a discussion with that person before he attacked me, we were inside our apartment when it happened, but unfortunately what I saw was ‘mute’. I couldn’t make out what he was saying, nor distinguish whose voice it was"

  "So you’re sure he was a male?" Asks Emily, in a very tense manner.

  "Yes. I remember seeing a pair of knee-length pants and very hairy, manly legs"

  "Can't you remember, I don’t know... his height for example?"

  "Not quite, he didn’t look too tall though"

  "Are you sure that it wasn't Moreno?" Asks Emily.

  "I can't be sure of anything" I reply, sadly.

  I hear the door unlock and I’m startled again, but I bring my hand to my chest and sigh in relief the moment I see Noah walking in.

  "Hey, what’s this? A meeting?" he says.

  I look at him and smile. The last thing he needs right now is to be stressed out by me, my confusion and a bunch of obfuscated memories.

  "No, we were just talking ab..."

  "About girl things. Periods and stuff like that, you wouldn’t get it" I say interrupting Emily, who slowly turns her head in my direction with a rather puzzled look on her face.

  I force a smile and she sigh. I’m not ready to talk about these things with Noah and thankfully, she’s figured that out, so she nods, confirming my words. I know that she disagrees with it, but I don’t want him to panic over something that I'm still so unsure and confused about.

  "So, now that prince charming is back ,I think I’ll be on my way"

  I get off the bed and hug her, whispering to her how thankful I am for everything she always does and that I love her dearly.

  "I love you too"

  "Andreea, drive Emily back home, then feel free to take the rest of the day off. I’ll watch over Ellie from here on" says Noah.

  "Thank you, Sir" responds Andreea, failing to hold back a smile.

  ***

  Noah’s still in the bathroom, while I settle down in bed and take another good look at our hotel room. The thing that I appreciate most about it is its simplicity, I love the fact that Noah hasn’t changed at all, despite the impressive amount of money he now earns.

  He walks out of the bathroom still dripping wet, taking my breath away entirely. I just can’t keep my eyes off him, I can’t keep my eyes off his robust chest, vigorous abdominals and perfectly V shaped waist. He’s truly got the body of a God, not to mention everything else. I sigh, enraptured by his beauty, but he doesn't seem to notice. He’s concentrated looking at his phone, which he slams on the bedside table just moments after, resigned and with a frown on his face.

  "Is everything all right?" I ask, as he sits down in bed next to me.

  "I was talking to my agent, Walter. Apparently, I have to do a photo shoot for a Football brand next week, so I have to leave again"

  I laugh out loud, because Noah hates to be photographed and sarcastically add:

  "‘Apparently’ being as good looking as you are isn’t always a pro!

  "Yeah just mock me, see if I care - he laughs - but seriously, you could come with me, they could snap some great pictures of you too!"

  "Thank you, but I’m going to have to pass, besides I’ll start working at MoMA next week. The only thing that I want to be sure of is that you’re not going to be naked... at the photo shoot I mean. It’s not like they’ll have you cover your family jewels with a football, then pose, right?" I jokingly ask, sitting up.

  "My family jewels?"

  This time, it’s he who laughs, and I love it, I love that despite all the tension and worries, he still finds it in himself to laugh every now and then. I bite my lower lip, still staring at him enchanted. At once, he pulls back the bed covers and looking at me, he gulps. I’m wearing a white lingerie top and silken aquamarine shorts, which he seems to appreciate a lot, or so makes me think the bulge in his crotch. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer, then kisses me softly on the lips, still smiling. Leaning in forward, he lies me down, moving his hands from my hips up to my shoulders and then down my arms, to softly entwine his hands with mine, kissing me passionately all the way through. The towel wrapped around his waist falls off and my mouth starts watering at the sight of him in all his splendor. I’m a very lucky girl, I think to myself. I let go of his hands, but only because I want to put mine all over his body. Still eating his lips out, I start touching him thoroughly, caressing him from his lower back upwards, over his shoulders and then down, until I reach his throbbing erection and grip it eagerly in both hands. Noah groans in a raw, almost brutal manner, encouraging me to keep going, as he slides his hands under my shirt and moves them up, his touch leaving a fiery trail on my skin. I can’t get enough of the way he’s making me feel, I can’t get enough of him and I’m sure I never will, ever. He gently takes off my top, looking at me in a way that does nothing but make me even more impatient to have him inside of me. He looks at me fascinated, enchanted almost, in a way that makes me feel exquisite, longed for and above all, loved. Although he’s the first and only boyfriend I’ve ever had, I know for a fact that the effect he has on me is simply one of a kind, absolutely inimitable and irreplaceable in any way.

  "I love you" I whisper, as he strips off what remains of my clothes. The passionate, sweet kisses he’s leaving all over my body give make me shiver and I can’t stop staring at him, as he slowly works his way down to my clit. The moment he sticks his tongue out, I am taken over by a sense of pure ecstasy, overwhelmed by a pleasure so intense, that it makes me forget all about my worries and fears.

  One week later

  I miss Emily, especially when Noah has to leave for football transfers. People at work are nice, but it’s still early for me to call any of them ‘friends’.Noah’s been puffing all day, having to spend time away from home for ‘a couple of stupid, bullshit pictures’ (his words) seems absolutely unnecessary and avoidable to him. I stopped painting more or less an hour ago, just before my boyfriend decided to shag me on the desk.

  "Don’t be so nervous, love" I say, looking at him.

  "I’ll stop doing that in a few days, when I’m back"

  "Having sponsors and visibility is part of your job and as much as you may not like it, it’s important that you do this for your own career"

  "This isn’t about the photos Ellie, this is about Andreea breaking his leg and you having to be completely on your own"

  "I won’t be alone, Nolan’s going to be with me"

  "And just how is that supposed to make me feel better?"

  "At least I won’t be on my own!"

  "But you’ll be alone with him in a house. Just the thought of it angers me"

  I shrug, he’s really exasperating at times.

  "Would you prefer it if I stayed completely on my own? I’d have no problems with it, I actually wouldn’t mind it” I say, because it is true. I never really have any privacy anymore, between my job, bodyguard and boyfriend, I honestly wouldn’t dislike spending some time with myself.

  "For you to be alone is out of the question. I’ll do my best to get back here as soon as possible, also because our next game is against the Minnesota Vikings and they’re quite an aggressive team, so I’m going to have to start training a lot more and a lot harder"

  "Don’t worry, you guys will destroy them, as usual" I say with conviction.

  “I hope so. So, where would you like to go for dinner tonight, baby?" He asks, holding his hand out for me to grab, which I do. I kiss him on the lips and without say
ing a word, pull him inside the kitchen with me.

  "Actually, I had something in mind for tonight already" I say, pointing to the meal I made earlier.

  "I adore you" he whispers, gently squeezing my ass.

  Dinner’s over, Noah’s looking through some documents on the couch and I’m sitting next to him, my legs laid down his lap, which he’s gently running his fingers across. I twist and twirl my hair, trying not to think about the flashbacks that keep coming back to me. What anguishes me the most is the fact that I was able to remember exactly how painful it felt... when the blade pierced through my skin.

  "You all right?" Asks Noah, looking away from his papers. I nod, trying to think of an excuse to change the subject, because I haven't told Noah about any of this yet and I’m still not ready to do so, especially not now that he’s about to go to California for the photo shoot.

  "I’m simply dying for a slice of Cheesecake from the patisserie right around the corner"

  "Alright my love, let me just finish reading this and I’ll run get it for you" he replies.

  "It’s okay, I can go get it myself so you can finish reading in peace"

  I get up from the couch with a smile and kiss him on the forehead, but just as I’m about to leave, he grabs me by the wrist. He glares at me with a very serious and rigid expression on his face, making the smile on my face vanish completely.