Home is Where You Are

by Marie, Tessa

  I should have been halfway to the library by now. After I was blindsided with the C I vowed to get my mind back on track. First thing first is to meet Susie at the library.

  She has been begging me to study with her on Saturday mornings, and Friday during tutoring I gave in. And if I get it all in before I’m set to meet Dean, then we can spend time doing other things.

  Dean’s working, which will give me plenty of time to go home and start over before we meet up. Thinking of his lips on mine makes me want to ditch Susie and head right to The Bagel Hole. But if I’m going to make up for that ghastly C, I need to bury myself in text books.

  I’m going to be lucky if I’m only twenty minutes late. I throw my hair into a messy ponytail. Who’s going to be at the library at eight on a Saturday morning anyway? I throw on clothes I find at the foot of my bed on and brush my teeth. If I didn’t oversleep I would’ve had time to stop by The Bagel Hole and kiss Dean good morning. Instead, I give the storefront a wave and continue to the library. The store isn’t going anywhere and neither is he.

  Susie is already elbow-deep in books by the time I arrive. She spots me and gives an overexcited wave.

  “So sorry I’m late. I overslept. Can you believe it?” I sit in the seat across from her and place my books on the table.

  “It’s okay. I was able to get started on my research project for my marine science class.”

  “What are you researching?”

  “The role of sound in the biology of marine mammals.”

  “Find anything interesting?”

  “Not yet. But I’ve only gotten through a few pages.” She holds up a book with a tattered cover. “So, Dean, is he your boyfriend?” she shrugs and stays focused on the book, I know she’s embarrassed for even asking.

  “I guess he is.” I mean we hang out, we kiss, I like him—really like him—so yeah I’d say he is my boyfriend. The thought shoots me full of giddiness, and it’s impossible to deter the smile.

  “He’s like…really hot.” If this was a bad teen movie, she would snort and push the glasses all the smart girls wear in those movies back into place.

  I laugh. “Yeah he is.” And he’s all mine.

  “How do you do it?” she asks.

  “Do what?”

  “Everything. Get straight As, volunteer, be editor of the paper, and have a boyfriend.”

  I thought this was going to be a study session, but I guess not.

  “Well editor of our school paper isn’t hard work. It’s kind of embarrassing how little I do actually. And…well, I overslept today. I never oversleep. I got a C on my last Physics test.”

  Susie lets out a startled gasp then slaps her hand over her mouth.

  “I know. I’m not going to lie. It’s not easy, but I’ve also never been this happy. I just need to find balance.”

  “You’re lucky. I was watching him, not in a creepy way, just curious, and you could tell he’s really into you. Guys will never look at me the way he looks at you.”

  “Now you really sound like me.”

  She folds her hands on top of her book. “I’m not following.”

  “My best friend, Katie, calls you my Mini Me. No offense, but it’s true. I thought because I was so focused on school that guys wouldn’t be interested in me. But then I met Dean and everything changed. Give it time and I’m sure you’ll be just as surprised as I was.”

  “I hope so.” She smiles, her eyes fill with a bit of sadness, but more dominant is hope.

  Susie isn’t so bad. It’s sad I couldn’t stand someone so similar. Does that mean I don’t even like myself?

  As Susie dives into a section of the book on shipwrecks, I sink into my chair, ignoring my own textbooks. My mind is everywhere but on schoolwork. Katie was right about more than just Susie. Maybe it is time for a change.

  ***

  Once I get into school mode, I finish all my homework, study for a couple tests, and even help Susie with her research.

  Now all I want is to see Dean, and I head home to shower and freshen up. Once I approve of myself in the mirror, I set out to The Bagel Hole to surprise him.

  Marv is front and center, though he looks like he has more on his mind than his customers. The closer I get, the more I notice the distance in his eyes. His daughter must be causing him problems again. Poor man.

  “Hey Marv,” I say as I approach, trying to be as upbeat as possible.

  Marv’s eyes widen and he turns his attention to the register. He scratches his chin then starts writing on his order pad, but there’s no customer.

  “Where’s Dean? Do you have him on trash duty?” I ask.

  “Uh…hey, Anna. No he’s actually out um…running an errand for me.”

  “Did he walk?” I turn to the glass door and look to the parking lot. Marv’s car is parked where it always is. He definitely didn’t toss Dean his keys.

  “He walked.”

  “Where is he? I’ll go meet him and give him a ride back.”

  “No, no that’s not n-necessary,” he stutters, and I hear uncertainty in his words. A knot forms in my stomach.

  “Marv, where is he?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “What do you mean you don’t know?” My heart races, palms clam up and the room shifts around me. All of those stories Dean told me about what can happen to people in his world. And what just happened to Wanda. Oh my God. “Marv, if something happened, you need to tell me.”

  His eyes lock with mine and after a few moments, he lets out a puff of air. “Okay. Calm down and come here.”

  Marv gestures to the door leading to the back kitchen. I step into the doorway and wait with bated breath.

  “I lied. Dean’s at my house.”

  “Why?” Why is Dean there? Why would Marv lie? I’m trying to stay calm, but my stomach twists in large, unbreakable knots. Heat courses through my veins and my shirt feels impossibly tight. “Marv!”

  “He’s going to kill me.”

  “Talk to me. I’m freaking out.”

  “You need to talk to him yourself. My address is 234 Apple Blossom Rd. It’s right off of Cedar. Gray house with blue shutters. But you should know that he—” Before he can finish I’m out the door.

  Maybe Dean finally took Marv up on his offer and decided to move in until he can get himself on his feet.

  So why is it that I’m now standing at Marv’s door, my hand poised to knock, but can’t bring myself to do so? If I take one more deep breath my lungs may explode.

  Anna, just freaking knock already! I force myself to finally make contact with the door, but my knock is more like a soft tap.

  I guess it’s enough, since the knob on the door turns. My heart sinks when it’s not Dean behind the door.

  Marv’s daughter is tall for her age, hair combed back into a ponytail and her dark brown eyes are the same as his.

  “Hello,” she says, eyeing me curiously.

  “Hi, I’m looking for Dean.”

  “It’s for you,” she calls over her shoulder and walks away, leaving the door slightly ajar, enough to see Dean’s head hangs down and his arms slump forward. He’s not happy to see me.

  Pain tears through my chest, lighting a fire that spreads to my throat. The past few weeks have been the best weeks of my life. I thought he felt the same.

  Dean steps towards the natural sunlight and. my heart stops. I suck in a jagged breath and reach out to his face. His gorgeous face marked in shades of black, blue, and purple. His lips I just kissed yesterday are swollen and split.

  “Oh my God.” I place my thumb under his chin to get a better look, but he winces away. “What happened?”

  “Anna, what are you doing here?” Annoyance fills his tone. And he called me Anna.

  He never calls me Anna.

  I stumble back as his hand rubs the spot between his eyebrows. His cheeks pull tight and his body stiffens as he braces himself against the doorway. That single move hurt him more than he’s portraying. My eyes travel to his
chest, down his stomach, wondering how much damage I can’t see.

  “I went to see you, and you weren’t at work. Marv told me you were here, but he wouldn’t tell me why. What happened? Did you call the cops?”

  Stone faced, he glances up. “No.”

  “Why not?” My tone is harsher than I want it to be, but is he serious? His face was used as a punching bag. Whoever did this needs to be behind bars.

  Tension pulls at his jaw. “And tell them what?”

  “What happened. Give them a description of the guy who did this to you.”

  “I’d have to file a police report, give my name. I’ll get thrown back into the system, and I’m not going through that again.”

  I get it. I do. But how can he just sit back and not do anything? There has to be something. “Then what are you going to do?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Nothing?” I can’t help the shock that flies out of my mouth.

  Frustration tugs at the corner of his eyes, and he runs both hands through his hair. “You don’t understand. Things aren’t fair and when it comes down to it it’s every man for himself.”

  How can he justify this? Has he looked in a mirror? “Surviving how? By beating the shit out of people for no reason?”

  “He had reason.”

  “And what reason would that be.”

  “He took my money.”

  “He got your money?” The tightness in my chest turns into a vise grip. He worked hard for that paycheck. His first paycheck. He had plans for that money.

  “Every last cent.”

  I can’t imagine how he feels, but it’s just a little step back. “Okay, so you’ll just start over. No big deal. I’ll hold on to your money, or Marv can. That way no one can take it from you.”

  “No.” The word cuts through me like a jagged knife. My words catch in my throat, too stunned to find their way out.

  For a second I stare at him, wanting him to explain. When he doesn’t I ask, “What do you mean no?”

  “I mean no. I was a fool to think I could change things. Nothing has ever gone my way. Why should it now?”

  I move closer to him, taking his hand in mine. “No, Dean. You’re wrong.”

  He shakes off my hold. “No, Anna. I’m not, and the sooner I accept it the better off I’ll be.”

  “You can’t accept that. I won’t let you.”

  “It doesn’t matter what you want.”

  He takes a step back and slams the door in my face. The corners of my eyes burn as tears threaten. He’s just mad. He needs time to calm down.

  I fan my face with my hands, hoping to keep the tears at bay. But eventually a waterfall of emotions streams down my cheeks, my legs give out and I collapse on the sidewalk.

  I can’t believe Marv sold me out. What the hell was he thinking? Just seeing her face as she saw what’s left of mine ripped my heart and made me want to take her in my arms and tell her it would all be okay. But that would’ve been a lie. As much as I wanted to say screw it and pull her against me, I had to keep my distance.

  After that first day at the soup kitchen, I shouldn’t have gone back. I was selfish, and now I did the one thing I never wanted to do. I hurt her.

  “That wasn’t very nice, you know.” Izzy blocks my way to the bedroom with her hand defiantly on her hips. Like I need her to tell me I acted like a total dick. And if I had any doubt all I had to do was remember the look on Anna’s face as I shut the door on her.

  “Whatever,” I mumble.

  Izzy does some bobble-head move and narrows her dark eyes at me. “Was that your girlfriend? She’s really pretty, classy looking.”

  “And too good for me.” I try to walk around her, but she won’t move.

  “If that’s what you believe, you’re an idiot.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I run my hands through my hair, trying to calm myself down before I start screaming.

  “Love isn’t materialistic, Dean. It’s more than that. ”

  “It’s not love,” I spit, ignoring the ache deep in my gut.

  “Now you’re really fooling yourself.”

  “Aren’t you like fourteen? What do you know about it?”

  “Enough to know it when I see it. And that girl you just slammed the door on loves you. It’s time you realized that.”

  She can see it, my ass. Being much more mature than Izzy, I roll my eyes and go back to the guestroom. Because I am a guest and really have no right being here, I refrain from slamming the door.

  Could Anna really love me? No, if it was obvious, I would have seen it. I would know. Though, when I look in her eyes, I see happiness. When my lips are on hers I feel her wants and needs. And when I hold her, despite my shitty life, everything feels right.

  Shit. Even if she doesn’t love me I…I love her, which is why I can’t be selfish like I was with my foster siblings. Anna deserves so much better than what I can give her. She’s made for great things.

  I spend the rest of the day staring at the ceiling. The less I move the better. Right now I don’t know who I’m angrier at. Marv or myself. I feel like he sold me out when Anna showed up, but what else was he supposed to do? I put him in a compromising position. Plus Anna can be very persuasive when she has to be.

  A slight knock on the door pulls my mind from Anna’s pouty lip. I turn my head until my good eye can make out Marv. Is it late afternoon already?

  “I hear you had a visitor today,” Marv says as he sits down. You think he would at least play it coy.

  “Yeah,” I manage to get out without a snarl.

  He scratches his dark hair and rests against the dresser. “How’d it go?”

  “Let’s just say getting jumped was a walk in the park.”

  “That bad, huh?” I lift myself until I’m leaning against the headboard. He briefly meets my eyes then shakes his head and smirks. “Sorry ‘bout that. I wasn’t planning on telling her, but—”

  “I know.”

  “That girl of yours is feisty.”

  “She’s not my girl.” Maybe if I say it enough, I’ll become numb to it, and the words won’t hurt anymore.

  “What you talking ‘bout?”

  “I can’t give her what she deserves. It’s better to end it now.”

  “I always thought you were thick-headed, boy, but I never thought you were stupid.”

  “Spare me the lecture please. I’ve already got one from your daughter.”

  “You did?” I nod and Marv leans back with a grin on his face. “Well, that’s because she’s smart. Takes after her daddy.” Marv sits up straight. “I honestly thought you’d be gone by the time I got home.”

  “Trust me, I planned on it, but your daughter in not so many words threatened to kick me in my manhood.” His eyes widen and then he muffles a laugh with his hand.

  “Not that I condone that behavior, but I’m happy it worked. Truth is, you’re welcome here as long as you want.”

  “It’s not going to be much longer. I just wanted to talk to you before I took off.”

  “At least stay until you heal. I don’t need to be worrying about you out there.”

  “You have nothing to worry about.”

  “That, my friend, is where you are wrong. You think I don’t lie awake at night, wondering if you got into the Y?” Marv stands, forcing the chair back with his legs. “You don’t think I care if you’re freezing your ass off out there? If you have enough to eat. Terrified that you might not make it through the night.” Tears build in Marv’s eyes. “Because I do. Every damn night.”

  I’m frozen in place. He shakes his head and walks over to the window, resting his hand on the frame. A deafening silence spreads across the room. I close my eyes, fighting my own emotions.

  “I don’t want to inconvenience you or your family,” I finally say.

  “You’re not,” he says, tears strangling his words. He clears his throat and swipes at his lids before turning back to me. “And if it makes you feel better, I can deduc
t rent out of your paycheck.”

  “It would.”

  The tension in his shoulders eases. “Good.” He swats my foot. “So heal up fast so you can get yourself back to work because right now, the way you’re looking, I wouldn’t let you anywhere near my customers,” he says with a laugh.

  “That bad, huh?”

  “You haven’t looked?”

  “I’ve been avoiding mirrors.”

  “Good plan, but just know you can’t avoid things forever.” Why do I feel like he’s not talking about my face? “Dinner will be in an hour. Hope you like steak.” Marv gets up slowly, age is starting to wear heavy on him.

  “Hey, Marv.” He turns, leaning against the doorframe. “Thanks.” It doesn’t seem like enough, but for now that’s all I can give him. He nods and leaves me to stare at the ceiling.

  “I need a girl’s night,” I say to Katie, trying my hardest not to let on I’ve been crying for the past two hours.

  “What’s wrong?” I hear the concern in her voice, but I disregard it. I feel guilty asking her to come over when she has plans to go out, but I need my friend. I’ve been there for her after she had her heart broken more times than I can count.

  “I’ll explain everything when you get here.”

  “Okay. Give me twenty minutes.”

  “Thanks. Oh, and bring ice cream.”

  Katie’s always late. So I’m surprised when twenty minutes later she’s standing on my doorstep with ice cream in hand.

  I’ve been avoiding the mirror so I don’t know how swollen and bloodshot my eyes are, but by Katie’s response I can only assume they’re pretty bad. Her accessorized arms fling around me, the carton of ice cream smacking my back as she pulls me closer.

  “Anna, what happened? Was it Dean? I told him I’d kill him. Do you want me to kill him?” She pulls away and rests her hands on my shoulders, her face anything but joking. Blonde ringlets fall over her shoulders and bronzer is brushed across her skin. She was getting ready to go out when I called.

  “No, I don’t want you to kill him.” As tempting as it may be, he was already left for dead once.

  Katie releases her grip on my shoulders and grabs my hand, pulling me to the kitchen. She gets two spoons, sits at the counter and opens the Moose Tracks ice cream. I take the spoon and scoop a generous amount. As soon as the chocolate hits my tongue the tension lessens.