by Wood, Lauren
He was angry with me and he was starting to raise his voice. People were looking at us and I put my hand over his, trying to calm him down.
“I don't know why he would tell you, Dominic. I really don't.”
“It's because he loves you Blair. I've known it for a long time, I just didn't realize he had a chance.”
I tried to tell him that Scott didn't have a chance, but I knew that it wasn't completely true. Something had happened between us. Something that wasn't supposed to happen, but it did happen and now I was trying to save a relationship, even though if he knew the truth, he would never want to see me again.
“I am with you Dominic. I am not with Scott.”
It was the only thing that I could say that was the truth. How could I let myself get into this? And why the hell did Scott say something like that? Was he trying to ruin my life?
Scott
I didn't hear from Blair for couple of days after the Valentine’s Day fiasco. That's what I was calling it now, because she still went out with Dominic. I thought that if she seen was between us, she wouldn’t want to be with him, but I was wrong. She went with him, not even a few hours after we made love. Obviously, it had meant nothing to her.
I wanted to just ignore what happened and pretend like we were just friends. I wanted to call her and ask how her day was going, because that was what I missed most. It wasn't having her in my arms, something that I covered it. What I actually missed was just the day to day things that we talked about. That was a type of intimacy that I had not had with anyone else, ever.
Finally, three days after Valentine’s Day, I couldn't put it off any longer. I didn't want to. I wanted to hear her voice and because I wasn't sure how she was going to react, I did not pop up at her place. It was something that I would have done before, but now I was unclear on how to act.
So, I gave her a call and waited for her to not answer. It had been something that she been doing a lot lately since the first time we kissed again. When she answered, I was actually surprise because I prepared myself to leave a message after the beep.
“I need to talk to you.”
There was a tenseness in her voice and had to wonder why that was. If it was something very important, she would have just called me about it?
“Where?”
There was something in her voice that told me that she did not want to speak over the phone. Whatever it was, it was important, and I was hopeful that she was going to tell me that she had still love me, just like I loved her. It played in my head like a perfect symphony, but I should have known that it was just a fairy tale.
“I'm going to come to you. Are you home?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, I will see you in a minute.”
She hung up before I could say anything else and I still didn't really know what was going on in her mind. Maybe she wanted a replay of Valentine’s Day and was just waiting for me to call. Maybe she wanted me as badly as I wanted her. Maybe...
I didn't have much time to worry about what was going to happen, because she was knocking on the door and I was opening up for her. I took one look at her face and knew that this was not a social call that I was going to like. I wanted to go into the living room blow out the candles, but we never even made it that far.
“Tell me that you didn't tell Dominic that you were my first? He had to be bluffing about it all, right?”
It came out of left field with no warm-up and it took me a minute to remember what I had told him. That was part of the reason I was so worried about it, because I have popped up information, I knew I shouldn’t have. It wasn’t something that I did often, but in that moment, I had let it go. I had said far too much and now I had to somehow make an excuse for that. But what kind of excuse was there?
“Yes, but it really wasn't like that.”
“How was it then? Why does he know that you were my first? It’s bad enough that he knows that we dated for years, but now he thinks that we have some sort of connection and he is never going to trust us to be friends now.”
“Maybe you should think about the fact that he wants to tell you who your friends can be? Isn’t that a red sign?”
She shook her head and sighed. “Don't try to make this his fault. This is on you. You know that he didn't know about us and you had no right to tell him. How did you think this was going to end? That he would be happy about it and he would trust us together?”
The truth was that I hadn't been thinking when I said it, or I wouldn’t have said it at all. He had been looking at me, like I was beneath him and that I could never get her. I wanted to show him that he was wrong. I wanted to wipe the smug ass smile off his face. That was the truth.
“I didn't mean to say it. It's my fault for letting it slip. I don't know why I did and I'm sorry about it. I certainly am not trying to cause you any distress, Blair.”
“No, but you don't mind breaking us up, do you?”
“You know how I feel about Dominic, Blair. I haven't been very cryptic about my opinion, but it doesn't matter because that's who you’re with. It slipped out, it really did. I knew I messed up as soon as I said it.”
“Imagine how I felt when he blurted it out over Valentine’s Day dinner?”
I did imagine it and I hated the fact that there was still a bit of self-satisfaction in that. I didn’t realize that it was going to be the last nail in the coffin. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall to see it go down, but I couldn’t let her see any of that. She was staring daggers at me and I was trying to figure out a way to make this better. I wanted to make this better.
“Like I said. I'm really sorry.”
“Well I guess it's done now, but you could have at least given me a heads-up. I'm definitely not too happy with you about any of it. You really screwed me over Scott.”
I waited for her to say more, but she didn't. There was obviously something else on her mind and I had a pretty good idea of what it was. We had made love a couple of days ago and there was still a lot to talk about.
“What happened the other day?”
We were both thinking about the same thing and she certainly didn't have to go into any more details. I knew exactly what she was talking about.
“Something that I've been waiting for to happen, for a long time Blair. It is what it was supposed to happen. We came back to each other.”
Blair
The last thing I wanted to hear, was some sort of comment about destiny and what was supposed to happen. That wasn't destiny, it was lust and desire. It was confusion and something else. But it certainly wasn’t fate that had our body colliding on the pillows a few days ago. That was all us.
“You know that I am with Dominic.”
“I know.”
“So then why did you kiss me?”
“Because I don't care if you’re with Dominic. You shouldn't be with him.”
He was sounding cocky and for some reason, it was just working my nerves even more. I was mad at him for telling Dominic all of our secrets and I don't like how smart he was acting now. This was all his fault.
“Well you should care, because now we can't be friends anymore.”
His face fell and there was a slight satisfaction in it.”
“What do you mean?”
“The whole point of me not telling Dominic, was not because I was afraid it would happen again, it was because I knew he wouldn’t let us be friends. No guy is going to let a man around his woman, that had already slept with her. It's just not going to happen.”
“I didn't mean for this to happen.”
“I didn't want it to happen either, but there is nothing I could do about it now. What is done, is done. This is the last time I’m going to be able to see you Scott. I guess I wanted to come by and see you, tell you goodbye.”
“And you are willing to do this for him?”
“Yes. And I knew that I would be. That is why I always wanted to keep it to ourselves. It was a long time ago and it shouldn’t affect us no
w.”
“It wasn't that long-ago Blair. It was only a couple of days.”
Of course, he would say something like that. I had known Scott too long and now that we had sex, he somehow thought he had control over me. That just wasn't the way it was at all.
“I like to pretend like it didn't happen Scott. As far as I'm concerned, it didn't happen.”
“Is that really how you feel?”
“Yes, it is Scott. Me and Dominic are still together and we're moving in together. It is a big step. It isn't the way that I thought it was going to be, but I have a feeling that I was right about the ring. But now he's just not sure about me.”
“You're going to move in with him?! “
I knew that he was upset. Scott was never good at hiding his feelings and I felt bad that he had gotten to me enough that I had said it like that. I should have said it better, but he was irking me with his cockiness.
“Yes, I am Scott. And I was waiting for you to call, because I wanted to tell you goodbye. We have known each other for a long time, and I wish I didn't have to do this, but it was either you or him.”
“And you're choosing him?”
I had to agree, because that's exactly what it was, but I didn't like the sound of it. I felt bitter going across my tongue and I just kind of shook my head. If there was anywhere else I could be at this moment, I would be there. I didn't want to be here standing next to him looking at him the way I was. He was looking at me like he didn't even recognize me.
“This is what is right for my future. We are just friends Scott and I will always think of you fondly, but I have to move on with my life. Now that it’s out, what we did in the past, we have to separate ourselves a bit.”
“I thought we were moving on. I thought the other night was finally the start of something. Something that should've never ended.”
“It didn’t work out before, and it won’t now. I like to believe that it could work, but it won’t. It’s just not the way it is.”
“And what way is it?”
“Well, we are friends Scott. We tried several times before to make this work and it never did. I don't know why you think that it would ever change. We are not meant to be together Scott, or we would have never broken up.”
“And you really think Dominic is the one?”
He was using air quotes and it was obvious that he was being sarcastic. I still didn't think that Dominic was the one, but I knew that I had to put my distance away from Scott. Dominic had given me an ultimatum and I had chosen him.
Partly, it was because I’d been so mad at Scott for blabbing his mouth. It was my first reaction and I was glad for that, because I don't think Dominic would have taken it very well if I would've hesitated much.
“I know that I am going to find out Scott. And I am going to miss your friendship very much, but I don't think I will be seeing much of you anymore.”
The reason that I told him goodbye at his place, was because I wanted to be able to leave. If he had come over to my place, then I would have been stuck trying to get him to leave. That would have been harder than picking up my purse and walking out the door.
I was shaking as I walked further away, the clicking of my heels was the only thing loud enough to be heard over the beating of my heart.
I did just say goodbye to one of my oldest and dearest friends, but more than that, I was saying goodbye to my first love. He was my first everything and I don't know how I was ever going to get over that. How was I ever going to get over Scott?
Scott
I was dumbfounded for several days after talking to Blair. I would be in the middle of a meeting and then I would just kind of go out of it for a little bit. I would be replaying the last moments that I slept with her and trying to figure out again and again, what had gone wrong. It just didn't make sense to me.
A week and it was clear that she wasn’t going to call me back. I left many phone messages on her voicemail, but none of them were returned. She never answered the phone and after about a month, she turned it off completely.
It was strange not to have Blair to talk to. We had talked about so much together and now it was like a part of me was gone. I had figured out a long time ago, that if I could only have Blair as a friend, then it was worth it. I would rather have her as a friend, then to not have her at all.
I didn't get a choice though. Blair was completely off my radar and even Lisa wasn't saying anything about her. I had a feeling that it was because she was asked not to. I also knew from Lisa bitching me out, that Blair had told her what I said to Dominic.
I was almost to the conclusion that I had lost her. It was something that I’d never thought would happen, because even when we broke up, we had managed to be friends. But now, we couldn't even be friends, so there was nothing left.
Trying to move on, I hooked up with several women, but even that felt wrong. Before, it had been a solace that I needed more than anything else, but now it just felt empty. Everything felt empty without her and before long, everything in my life was suffering because of it.
I almost gave up, but after a while I decided that the best thing, I could do was try to bump into her. I had to see her again and I started hunting some of her favorite places. It was low and I knew it was wrong, considering what was going on between us, but I couldn't help it. I had to see her. I still couldn't convince myself that it was over, because I really did believe that we were meant to be together. Why would we go through all this for nothing?
It took almost three months for me to finally spot her. I don't know why, but she hadn't been going to her usual places. Maybe she knew that we would eventually bump into each other and we finally did and the look on her face told me everything I needed to know.
“Scott? What are you doing here?”
“I always come here.”
She smiled at me and for a moment, I thought that everything was going to be the same. For just that instant, the light returned to her face and her eyes, and I can feel my heart clenching. How had I lived this long without her?
“Scott, you never come here. You don’t even like coffee.”
“Been drinking it lately, because I can’t sleep all that much. Keeps me awake enough for work.”
She squinted her eyes at me like she was trying to see what was wrong with me and then Blair made a comment about how I looked.
“You look like shit, Scott.”
My smile broadened, because that was exactly something that she would say. She never was one to beat around the bush and though Blair wasn’t very loud when she did say something, it was always worthwhile. This time around, it was pretty obvious that I looked the way that I felt.
“Thanks Blair. You're looking good yourself.”
“I'm sorry Scott. That came out wrong. I just didn't expect to see you and I didn’t expect to see you looking like this. You look like you haven’t slept in a while.”
She was acting kind of funny and I was just going to chalk it up to the fact that we hadn't seen each other since we say goodbye to each other.
“Well it's okay, Blair. You’re probably right. I haven't been able to sleep very well lately, and it has certainly taken a toll on me. But you look beautiful as you always do.”
Blair smiled and then looked away. There was just something about her that really did call to me. She was practically glowing like a neon sign and I was afraid that it meant she was happy. I wanted her to be happy, really I did, but I wanted her to be happy with me. I didn't like the idea that she could be happy with someone like Dominic or really anybody else for that matter. I wanted it to be real what I felt between us. I was starting to realize that it was all in my head
“Thank you, Scott. I am running late, so I have to get going. It was good to bump into you.”
I wanted to stay, but I couldn't forcibly make her stay, so I waved to her and watched her go. We had bumped into each other on the outside of the coffee shop that she went to a lot and Blair left without even getting something to d
rink. I don't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing, but I was hoping it was because she was flustered from seeing me. Flustered meant feelings and that I still had a chance with her.
Once we ‘bumped’ into each other a third time in front of the coffee shop, Blair wanted to know what I was doing there.
“You know that we can't be friends Scott. We have already had this discussion, so why do you keep showing up?”
I started to give an excuse, the same lame one that I had been giving, but she put her hand up like she wanted me to be quiet. It was rather obvious that's what she wanted, and I just looked at her.
“I know that you are not here by chance, so I have to wonder what you want Scott? Why are you here?”
There was a few moments that I thought about just giving her more crap. Anything really, to get her off the subject and to stop looking at me, but finally I just told her the truth. All those years of waiting and saying the proper thing had not gotten me anywhere, so why would I continue this way?
“I am here because I just want to see you. It’s been hard all those years, watching you date all those guys and then to get closer and closer with Dominic. But it has been hell since you said goodbye to me. I miss my friend. And you know, I miss that part if you more than I miss my lover from all those years ago. I don't want to walk around like anything matters, because it doesn't, if you're not with me. I want you in any way that I can have you, even if it is to bump into you on a sidewalk, in front of the coffee shop. I’ll take what I can get Blair.”
Blair seemed to think it over for a moment in her mind and then she finally told me that we should get something to drink. For the first time since I bumped into her over here, she finally went in the coffee shop.
“I actually stopped drinking coffee for a while. Needed to get off of the caffeine, but I still like to walk into this place because they roast their own beans. It smells so wonderful. Just walking by is enough sometimes.”
