Again: A Young Adult Romance

by Rashmita Bhattacharjee

  Devon chuckles sourly. “Funny that you always have an unflinching reply to everything I say.”

  “Funny that you thought I won’t.”

  His face turns hostile. “Funny that you haven’t noticed yet or never even tried to notice that I’m in love with you!” he roars. “I love you, Eleanor!”

  I am left at my wit’s end, hearing his confession. I just gape at him with a blank mind and the fierce pounding within my rib cage. I open my mouth but no words come out. My voice is lost somewhere in the abyss of the emotions I’m experiencing right now. But then I force myself out of the stupefaction because this cannot be real.

  “No, you don’t, Devon!” I feel the gnawing strain in my tone. “You frigging don’t know what you’re saying.”

  “I fucking know what I’m saying,” he snaps. “And I’m tired of being your secret. I’m fucking done with us being behind closed doors and waiting for the curtains to close to be together. I won’t let you keep hiding us under the carpet anymore. I want us to get real!”

  “Aren’t those cues enough for you to realize that I don’t deserve you?!” I fire back. “What else would it take for you to accept that I’m not good for you?”

  “I don’t deserve you either but I don’t care about that! You fit me in ways that nobody has ever been able to. So yeah, you’re perfect for me.”

  “If that’s what you believe, Devon, then you’re living in an illusion,” I say coldly. “And you can pretty much continue to be amused in this frivolous world of yours but you’re on your own. I’m not gonna be a part of it.”

  I watch him clench his jaw as his expression turns callous. He looks at me with two emotionless blue eyes as he speaks in a blunt tone, “In that case, I’ll leave this frivolous neighborhood and never come back,” a chill runs down my spine, “I’ll be out of sight just like you want. Don’t try to call me ‘cause I’m gonna forget you. Goodbye, Eleanor.”

  My hands hang limp at my sides. I stand pale and motionless in disbelief and confusion as I watch him turn his back on me and stride away without a second look.

  I guess I lost him all over again. And maybe this time for real.

  Chapter Twenty

  Devon is gone. He has left Crawford Lane.

  The more I think about this, the harder it gets to accept it. I never thought he would leave even though he had told me once before that he would if he didn’t get what he wanted. It was that evening of the soiree at his place. Back then, I believed he didn’t mean it. Maybe because I didn’t know how to imagine a life without him.

  And now, I’m just sitting on the floor in my dark and silent room slumped against the door and staring aimlessly into the void waiting for this everlasting nightmare to end. But it never does even though I’m always ready to wake up from it. Because Devon is still gone.

  I wish silence had the allure of his thick sexy voice. I wish loneliness had something that belonged to him.

  But since none of that can be real, I keep on replaying our last kiss in my head. I keep on replaying the moment when he told me that he loved me. I keep on revisiting his last words to me before going away and all of a sudden I realize that sunlight has started to fill the room. The darkness around me fades away. It’s morning and that marks the end of just another sleepless night for me. There have also been instances where I’ve cried myself to sleep. I can’t decide which of the two sounds better.

  “Eleanor, you need to go to school today. I won’t hear a word.” Gran stands outside the door like every morning.

  “I’m not going anywhere, Gran,” I groan like every morning.

  “You cannot skip school forever, young lady.” I can picture her frowning, “Five days. Five days! So push some cereal down your throat and get your ass moving to school, do you hear me?!”

  “Go away, Gran.”

  “I’ve never locked myself up in my room over a boy ever. Be like me,” she nags. “I’m sure Taylor Swift needs a break too from singing you sad songs.”

  I had to chuckle at the irony. I’m listening to break-up songs on repeat even though Devon and I were never really official.

  I figure Gran is just too determined not to leave me alone today. And since I want to avoid more fuss, I get up from the floor and decide to step out of the house.

  So yeah. It’s been five whole days since that fateful night at the party. Funny thing is time goes by but it doesn’t heal like I thought it would. But maybe I’m just too stubborn to move on from where he’d left me. Maybe I should’ve stopped him that day. Maybe I should’ve said something. Anything. But then again, I didn’t know how to be the girl he deserves to be with. I still don’t.

  “Unless Westford High has been renamed Zombie Land, you’re not wearing that drab outfit to school.” Gran raises a brow at me when I walk into the kitchen. “And why didn’t you brush your beautiful hair?”

  “Gran, this is the best I could do,” I respond with a half-hearted look. Like I’m already carrying a broken heart. Shouldn’t that be enough? “I’ll see you later. Bye.” I step out the kitchen door.

  I take a deep breath. Maybe it’s time to get on with life with a hope that Devon is fine wherever he is. There’s no point of him coming back anyway. Because it’s not like things are ever gonna change.

  And yet, I can’t help but pull by the riverside to have a long look at the trailer. It looks as though it’s been deserted for ages. Nevertheless, it’s the closest I can get to Devon.

  Wait. Whatever happened to moving on in good faith?

  Sigh.

  It’s like swinging between two worlds: the reality at present and the past. I’m sailing in two boats that are moving in opposite directions.

  ***

  I see Stef sitting on a bench looking downcast when I get to the school courtyard. I greet her with a ‘Hey’ as I approach her. She looks up and breaks into a huge smile.

  “I’m so happy to see you, E!” Stef sounds relieved as she shoots to her feet and squeezes me in a tight embrace.

  “I’m so sorry for shutting you out completely these last couple of days,” I apologize as we settle down on the bench.

  “No, it’s okay, I understand,” she assures. “I’m just glad that you’re back. Because I know how it feels when the person you get so used to is not around anymore.”

  “Everything okay with Adam?” I ask cautiously.

  “Not quite.” She sighs. “Just the same old story. He’s distracted whenever we’re together. He cancels on me very often and when I try to ask him if everything is okay, he says that I should give him space.”

  I grow anxious thinking of those times when Stef used to look so much happy because of Adam. And I wonder how someone who is the reason behind the biggest of your smiles becomes the reason behind your deepest of sorrows.

  “I know both of us are hurting but . . . I can’t help but wonder which of us is hurting more,” Stef chuckles humorlessly. “You because Devon is gone or me because Adam is around but still not really there.”

  “Well, we can try and organize a Westford High Sob Fest, set up our own different stalls and ask people to vote,” I suggest.

  Stef chuckles. “Sorry that was very stupid of me. I just . . . don’t want to be where I’m right now,” she sighs. “Hey, why don’t we do something fun to forget about the boys?”

  “Sounds really cool except that in my case, I’m at fault, not the boy.”

  “I guess . . . ” Stef nods slowly. “You should call him. Like I would want Adam to talk to me about whatever it is that’s going on.”

  “For one, Devon’s not gonna answer my call,” I tell her matter-of-factly even though I haven’t called him yet. “And even if he does, I don’t know what to say to him. I can apologize but it won’t be the words he would want to hear. And I’m not over his first goodbye yet to hear him say another one.”

  “Why can’t you be with him when you love him so much?”

  “I just can’t.”

  The rest of the school day is un
eventful. I keep my head low and go through all the classes. I drive to Parkers’ after school because I really need to know about Devon.

  “It’s not the first time he’s left without a word,” sighs Dave Parker, “And it’s hard to find him when he doesn’t want to be found. But my sources say he’s lying low in New Jersey, crashing at a college friend’s apartment. Do you know why he left, Eleanor?”

  I realize I’m not prepared for that question yet. “No, I don’t,” I lie.

  “Let’s hope that he’ll be back soon,” Mr. Parker says grimly.

  I leave the place, feeling miserable. If that wasn’t enough, I run into Cheryl on the front porch. She is taken aback seeing me.

  “What are you doing here?” she asks, eyeing me with disgust.

  “I wanted to―”

  “You’re the reason why Devon’s gone, right?” She grimaces. “I don’t know what my son even saw in you ‘cause all I see is a teenage girl worse than mediocre in every way.”

  And she walks past me to enter the house. Honestly, I’ve been through an awful lot to even feel hurt by her words.

  The coming days get harder. I miss Devon. And the more I try not to, the worse it gets. I sit on his usual desk in class. I slump down on the floor against a bookshelf at those places in the library where we once held bittersweet conversations, mostly bitter actually. Every time I walk on the streets, I can’t help but look over my shoulder once, sometimes twice, sometimes thrice hoping to see him standing with his signature lopsided smile. But he’s never there. So when I’m driving down the long lanes, there are times I just pull up abruptly because his memories start playing like a movie in my head all of a sudden and I can do nothing but let go of the steering wheel and just sit motionless to let my mind travel back to the past.

  If Devon could see me now like this, I wonder what he’d say. Surely it’d be something really annoying and least expected. Because you can never know enough how his cheeky mind works.

  I spend the dull evenings at the trailer. Funny thing is that I remember vividly everything that he has ever said to me right from the start. Which happened right here at this very trailer. Because you can never forget his quirkiness even in your dreams.

  And now that I look back, all of his unabashed remarks which used to annoy me to no extent suddenly seem witty and hilarious. I was never really irritated with those to begin with. And I think he knew that too. Because he had once told me that he liked the little rolling thing I did with my eyes.

  I can’t help but wonder what he might be doing at this time. Is he thinking about me or is he trying to forget me like he said he would?

  Which of the two would I want him to be doing? That’s the question I’d never be able to answer.

  The sudden creaking of the door snaps me out of my reverie, and I see Stef walk in the trailer.

  “It’s been ten days, dude,” she states. “How long is your sad song gonna last?”

  “I have no idea.” I sigh, as she sits on the floorboard next to me. “All I know is I’ve been living with an empty feeling ever since I was a kid and―” And it just got worse last summer “―and the last thing I want is Devon having to deal with that when he is with me.”

  “And all I know is you care a lot about him and you’re not good without him. Which is why it’s pretty much time to get him back to Crawford Lane,” she says. “So there’s this amazing invention called the cellphone. You’ve got to use it once to understand its charm. The call feature in it is really cool.”

  Stef extends her phone to me.

  “He won’t answer.” I shake my head, averting my gaze. “I cannot take another disappointment, S.”

  “You’ll never know unless you try, E.”

  “He told me never to call him.”

  “Well, if my memory serves me right, he even asked you out and you turned him down. So you can pretty much ignore his words this time too.”

  “What if he hangs up on me because he…hates me?”

  “He won’t, E,” Stef responds patiently. “And he cannot hate you ‘cause it’s pretty much not possible for someone to hate you only ten days after they tell you that they love you. So, get on the fucking phone and talk to him.”

  I take a deep breath and finally take the phone from her hand. Doubts, anxiety, and uncertainty cloud my mind. It’s Devon we’re talking about—the one boy who is painfully unpredictable. And I know very well how poisonous he can get with his words. So, it’s very scary.

  My heart beats loud and fast as I wait for him to get on the phone. But he doesn’t...

  “What the hell,” I mutter in dejection.

  “I may be hell personified but mostly, I’m just Devon Parker.”

  My eyes open wide hearing that voice from the other end. “Devon…” I whisper, my heart galloping like a thousand horses together.

  “Eleanor,” he speaks in a well-guarded tone.

  Silence.

  I’m tongue-tied. Stef prompts me with gestures to speak.

  Taking a deep breath, I muster all the courage I need to tell him what I had in me. “I…want to tell you that I miss you and…that I really wish you’d never left.”

  More silence.

  I don’t know what he will say. I just don’t. Or he can even hang up on me any second from now. I dread the worst of the two.

  “Do you want me to come back, Eleanor?” he speaks, albeit in the same guarded tone.

  “Yes, I do…”

  “I’ll be there very soon. Wait for me.”

  My heart races faster than I can handle as I keep the phone down.

  “What did he say, E?” Stef asks eagerly.

  I look at her. “He said he’s coming back,” I say with tears of relief filling my eyes.

  Stef squeezes me into a tight hug. “Thanks for making me do this, S,” I whisper, with my arms around her.

  “Thank God I could make you do this, E.” She giggles.

  I cannot wait.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I am sitting alone on the couch in the trailer as I wait for Devon. I am not sure. I’m not sure at all if he is going to turn up even though he told me he would. As the breezy night gets darker outside, I start to feel restless.

  What if he doesn’t come? What am I gonna do?

  It took everything in me to step above my guilt, my reality, my beliefs, my fears to give him that call. And I don’t know what I’ll do if I find out that I did all of that for nothing.

  I sit with my head hanging low, hiding my face in my palms. My eyes are numb just like the rest of me.

  The deafening silence in the trailer is broken when the floorboards creak. I look up to see a silhouette at the door and shoot to my feet.

  “Hello, Eleanor.”

  “Devon…”

  I see him but I stand rooted to my spot, doubtful that I might just be hallucinating.

  “Since you’re here to say sorry,” he speaks in his usual tone, “there are some rules I have set for you. A grammatically correct apology with a pinch of genuineness will do.”

  It’s him, for real.

  I run to him and hug him tight. “I’m sorry,” I whisper against his ear, feeling regretful.

  “It’s okay,” he responds, holding the small of my back.

  I pull back and look at his solemn face. “You told me you love me. Is that true?”

  “It is.”

  I know I do. “I love you, Devon.”

  I hold his face and cover his lips with mine. He lets me control the kiss, driving me to the edge of my fantasies. My hands grab his hair as I’m just not able to get enough of him. He senses that and parts his luscious lips for my eager tongue. I delve into his unworldly mouth with passion. And I taste sin. A roar of sensations floods my body as I kiss him hard just the way he wants it.

  My shivering hands work swiftly to unbutton his black shirt, and I press firm against his sweltering bare torso to kiss him harder than I can. He lets out a harsh sexy groan. I slide my hands down to unbuckle
his jeans―

  “Wait.” Devon pulls away and looks at me in confusion. “Are you…sure about this??” he asks with a hoarse voice, trembling with controlled desire.

  “Yes…I want you,” I confess.

  And that does it for him. We kiss again, knowing where it’s gonna lead this time. Devon grabs the hem of my top and pulls it off from over my head. In no time we get rid of his jeans and my shorts. My heart goes wild when he pushes me down on the bed and comes on top of me. Our lips collide, making every fold of my skin ache for his touch. I gasp when he pins my wrists to either side of my head as he devours my neck with his tantalizing mouth. I kiss him too wherever I could on his sexy biceps and shoulders.

  I flush when he pulls off my bra and throws it away to let his dark gaze feast upon the sight of my exposed chest. I arch my back sharply, throwing my head back into the pillow as he torments every inch of my naked torso sending shudders of ecstasy down to the tips of my toes. The pleasure is so dark and intense, it burns my blood and turns it into a pool of sin. He was like a devil hunting me down with his fatal seduction.

  I clutch the bed sheets tight when he pulls my moist hot panties down to my feet before tossing it away. My throat burns with a carnal thirst as I watch him get completely naked and put on protection. He comes back on top of me and our eyes lock. I see devotion and lust in his intense orbs. I press my fuller lips onto his for a passionate kiss.

  I feel wild goose bumps flood every inch of my burning flesh when he slowly enters me for the first time. I’ve never felt so alive yet so unworldly ever before. But even before I could breathe, a sharp pain climbs up my body that makes me scream. But I don’t want him to stop. I screw my eyes tight shut, digging my nails on his bare back, as he places delicate kisses on my neck and shoulders.

  I feel my body cradle between pleasure and pain, between fire and ice. His mouth presses onto mine as he rocks back and forth to plunge deeper and deeper inside me with sinful groans. I move my hips in a way to let him explore me in the most erotic manner. Our bodies move in complete rhythm as he swiftly pulls in and out of me. I moan out loud in a state of frenzy, feeling my body convulse in severe delight. Our fingers intertwine as his thrusts get faster, more intense and raw every passing second.